To set MiL Straight?

[Pregernaught]

NC’d.

I’m 19 weeks pregnant with the first grandchild on both sides, so naturally everyone is super excited and it’s all very lovely.

Yesterday, MiL let slip that she’s bought a next to me crib and a load of newborn baby stuff ‘for her house’ for when the baby arrives ... I quite pointedly said ‘oh that won’t be needed MiL, baby won’t be staying overnight with you until they’re too old to use a next to me, he/she will be in their own room by then’

She was taken aback and said I’d need a night off on the first few weeks at least. I said baby will be breast fed until 6 months at least hopefully so whether I want a night off or not, it won’t be happening. I also said that even if I couldn’t breast feed for any reason, I wouldn’t want baby away from me that early anyway.

She then got upset and said she would expect me to express so she could take her grandchild while they’re still a baby to have overnight and I’m cruel for not allowing this. DH stepped in at this point and said we wouldn’t be changing our plans to suit MiL, and he’d be very sad if she couldn’t accept that and made it difficult for us to see her when baby was born. She dropped it After he said that.

She’s also said some other weird stuff like weaning the baby from 3 months is normal, she doesn’t like the idea of breastfeeding and something about giving newborns water as well as milk? Pretty sure that’s not right? It’s making me really nervous about leaving baby with her at all until he or she is a bit more robust!

MiL has a sister who has a grandchild already, but she was born when her mum was only 16 and living at home, so naturally MiL’s sister was very involved from the start. DH and I are in our 30’s, totally independent, mortgage, the lot so it’s a totally different circumstance. I have a feeling MiL is comparing notes and wants to be as involved as her sister was, which obviously just won’t be happening.

I just want to check I’m not being cruel or unreasonable to lay boundaries with someone who is usually lovely and will absolutely dote on this kid?

[Badger2033]

Fair play to you and your DH for telling her straight. You actually have a very realistic outlook on how you’ll feel and you should absolutely stick to your guns. You and your DH seem like a team and you should be very pleased he immediately stepped in and backed you up. Sounds like he’s going to be a good dad and a supportive husband.

Congratulations on your baby!

[AnneLovesGilbert]

Pregnancy after losses is a head fuck and I don’t think you’re being too sensitive at all but even if you were, you do whatever you have to to get through it. Wishing you every wish for a healthy boring pregnancy, you’ve been through so much heartbreak

This is yours and DH incredibly precious baby and you don’t let it out of your sight until you’re ready. Your mum sounds wonderful, you’ll treasure her. And be being around, helping you and supporting your family she’ll naturally get a beautiful day-to-day type relationship with your baby. She’ll learn what they’re like and what they like and what you’re comfortable with by watching you together.

Don’t get pulled into any stupid arguments about fairness if it’s your mum being there for you compared with MIL who wants to take the baby from you. They’re totally different things.

[Pregernaught]

@AnneLovesGilbert isn’t it just? I’ve spend the majority of this pregnancy in an anxiety haze and haven’t really dared to think about life with a baby, it still seems so totally abstract to me.

[testingtimes123]

You were assertive and stood your ground well.
However on other hand she sounds like she is well meaning and excited, so worth taking that into account.
My child never spent a night away from me til they were 20 months, however the offers of occasional DAYTIME babysitting hours from about 6 weeks old are an absolute godsend. Just having someone watch baby whilst you have a bath/nip to an appointment or supermarket etc is completely liberating when you have a tiny baby. So don't burn your bridges and keep options open .....perhaps mention daytime babysitting as an olive branch at this stage.

Also bear in mind your intentions and the reality of postpartum life may be very different e.g. I was adamant that I did not want any visitors to the hospital or house in the first week as i'm very private person and would find it intrusive having visitors when i'm in hospital, but once i had given birth I was so happy that was happy for in-laws to visit straight away to show off baby 👶🏻.

For the outdated feeding advice, best approach is just send links for relevant NHS websites and say that advice is now different, don't get into debate about it.

Good luck

[AnneLovesGilbert]

Who knows, by week 10 you may fancy a night break from baby!!

Why do people say this? I don’t know a single person who’s fancied an overnight break from their 10 week old. OP is very clear that whatever happens she won’t want her very young baby away from her overnight and if she changes her mind it won’t be going to her overbearing MIL. If she needs a break her mother, who isn’t overbearing, will be there to support her.

It’s patronising and unhelpful to suggest OP is going to change her mind and call on someone who’s already trying to overrule her decisions about her baby who hasn’t even been born yet. OP is pregnant, not stupid.

[Ranunculi]

Your MIL needs to back off and lower her expectations. I’d keep her in the background though, in case you decide you do need help. Thinking back to when my baby was six weeks old - I was hallucinating, lying on the floor sobbing and screaming, having feelings that I wanted to hurt my child and threatening to give him up to social services - due to lack of sleep. I would have given absolutely anything for someone to just take him away and let me rest.

[FatCatThinCat]

What is this obsession with having grandchilden overnight when they're babies? Surely the best bit of being a grandparent is that you get to hand them back at the end of the day.

[LastGoldenDaysOfSummer]

70s and early 80s I was told to top up with water after breast feeding if baby still thirsty. Also to be used between feeds if necessary. So she isn't making it up.

[AnneLovesGilbert]

Someone who was well meaning and excited wouldn’t resort to calling the OP cruel.

[forrestgreen]

Things change, all the things she said used to be done, but advice changes all the time.
Find a website that follows your ethos and send it her, saying you're following this guidance

[Peridot1]

YANBU at all. And it’s great your DH is on the same page as you.

It might be an idea to buy your MIL a book with all the current guidelines so she understands what is recommended now and doesn’t feel you are just ignoring her. In fact someone should write a baby book for grandparents detailing the changes in advice and why! And with tips about the difference in being supportive and helpful and demanding to have a new born overnight!

[Disfordarkchocolate]

Perfectly normal boundaries, some grandparents are so entitled.

Weaning etc advice had changes massively in the last 30 years, point her in the direction of current guidance so she know what you will be doing.

[cupofdecaf]

I agree OP it's the language 'take' and lack of proper help that's upsetting up.
Things my own mum did that helped were stay over once a week and do the 4am-8am shift but bring baby to me for a feed in the middle. Reassure me that I was doing well. She also made it clear things change and by asking her to do things a different way I wasn't criticising how she'd done them, just following current guidelines.
Why don't you have some counter suggestions ready so things are done in your terms without shutting her out. Like perhaps she could walk the dog then stay for a baby cuddle after? Could she come over whilst you have a shower etc.
I'd also suggest you gently bring up how much has changed and maybe if she mentions it again next to me's are really more breastfeeding mum stuff/ she can't have a duvet with the side down etc/ not all babies like them.
It sounds like she'll be an enthusiastic granny. Maybe just reign her in now and again but I wouldn't cut off the help if it can be avoided. Good luck!

[Pregernaught]

@testingtimes123 oh she’ll definitely be involved with day time care, she’s having baby once a week once I go back to work at around 9 months - a year.

Just want to make it clear I feel extremely lucky to have 2 mums who are local, retired and super supportive, and with whom we have a usually fantastic relationship. Both sets of parents are taking baby for a day a week each when I go back to work and DH is dropping to 3 days (I’m the breadwinner) so we’ll only need to pay for 1 day a weeks childcare which is an enormous help. DH will then go back to full time when we have a free childcare place from 3 years old.

Thanks all, I’m going to try and keep MiL excited and just gently nudge in some ground rules

[crazymare20]

Speak to your health visitor or midwife regarding feeding water, it is still recommended in some situations. All mine were fed water with no ill affects.

[dottiedodah]

If you are breast feeding ,then all Babe will need is milk from you .Just extra BF in hot weather.Bear in mind that MIL is probably going back to when DH was small 30 odd years ago ,and times change! Just say to her that while you appreciate her offer you would maybe wait until babe is a little older.(Might appreciate it when she is a toddler!)

[corythatwas]

Seems you have this well in hand, OP .

If you can manage to gently nudge, an involved grandmother is an asset. Finding alternative things to do, enlisting her as an ally seems the way to go.

[SafeInBed]

I think it's odd that people don't let their children get looked after by other people etc when they are so young, but that's not my business, it's your choice and your choice only.

Wouldn't she need a cot for if you go with your baby to stay at mil's at all though? Or planning to not do any over nights anywhere with the baby even with you there?

I think your mil would have done better getting a travel cot as that's what my nan got for mine as will fit for years.

She doesn't have a right to tell you to do anything.

[Mumratheevergiving]

She’s had her babies now it’s her time to be a grandparent which means following your guide as a parent. It’s good she’s excited but her expectations are too much & it’s good you’ve tackled them now. My MIL was weird about breastfeeding too, I think if they didn’t do it themselves and they want to be involved they just want to stick a bottle in the baby‘s mouth.

On the other hand you will at some point be sleep deprived and desperate for help and it sounds like she will be happy to help so don’t burn your bridges I also wouldn’t worry about your baby being in her care, it sounds like some of her info is a bit outdated but you can gently advise her what to do now and nothing you’ve mentioned would harm your baby.

[IdblowJonSnow]

No you weren't harsh at all! She sounds very over bearing.
I dont doubt her intentions are good but she's being very unreasonable with her expectations.
Stick to your guns, sounds like she's going to be a pain in the arse so it's good your DH is on side.

[Pregernaught]

I might give her a job to focus her a bit, she LOVES online shopping/ researching so I might ask her to keep her eyes peeled for nice bits for baby as that’s what we really need etc. I’ll give her a new thing to find for us every couple of weeks (transfer her the money obviously) so she feels like she’s helping us out rather than buying for herself.

Does anyone know if a book for grandparents exists?? That would be an awesome gift.

I think she’ll be fine long term, she just needs her expectations resetting a bit and I’ll leave that to DH mostly. He’s very diplomatic and can handle his mum better than me!

[PragmaticWench]

The crib might be useful next to your bed if you want to stay the night at your MIL's house? Saves you lugging your own there.

Aside from that just do what you and your DH are comfortable with. I wouldn't discuss it anymore with your MIL. Nice your DH stood up for you, lots of people on here report useless partners who let their parents walk all over the post-partum mother.

[SafeInBed]

Why do people say this? I don’t know a single person who’s fancied an overnight break from their 10 week old

I find that hard to believe. Why wouldn't you want a break of not having to wake up in the night or get up early ? Babies are great, but tiring.

[Sexnotgender]

Keep your boundaries and only do what makes you comfortable, don’t be forced into anything you don’t want to do to “be nice”.

DS is 19 months and hasn’t spent a night away from me yet. He could now that he’s not breastfeeding anymore and sleeping through but the pandemic is getting in the way a little right now😂

Breastfed babies don’t need water.

You don’t wean until at least 6 months and they show signs of being ready (sitting unassisted etc.)

[Pregernaught]

She lives On the next road to us so can’t see a reason why we’d ever stay with her.