I’ve name changed for this, as I’m giving a lot of personal info, and don’t want to identify my usual MN name, but just wanted some opinions on a dilemma.
DS (17)‘s biological father died suddenly last week.
DS does not have a relationship with him, and sees his step-dad (my DH) completely as his father. I met DH when DS was 2, he has always known DH as his father, as he calls him Dad and DH refers to him as his son always. However it is obvious that DS is not his biological son, because DS is mixed race.
As I said before, DS didn’t have a relationship with his bio-dad. he has seen him only a handful of times, and he can’t remember these times. Bio-dad has been in and out of prison and has been involved with stuff that I have not wanted DS to be around but DS doesn’t even know all of this information - he just knows that his bio-dad (who he calls ‘the sperm donor’ if he ever has to refer to him) wanted nothing to do with him and therefore he has has no feelings for him.
Over DS’s life however, I have kept in very occasional contact with his Aunt. I wouldn’t call her my ‘friend’ but she was the only one in the family who saw her brother for what he was when I was in an abusive relationship with him, and supported me to leave him. She has continued to send birthday cards and money for DS and asks after him. The grandmother has also sent cards and money and asked after him, but the grandmother was always very defensive of her son and often justified his behaviours so I was less inclined to keep a relationship with her. The aunt and grandmother saw DS about 4 years ago, and usually arrange to see him if they are coming down south every couple years or so. (I live the other end of the country now). It was through the Aunt that we heard about the news about DS’s father.
When we told DS the news, Last week he was very hostile and said he didn’t care, he was glad to hear it, he hopes he burns in hell etc and he was acting like he didn’t care. But the past week he has been awful in his attitude and temper, flying off at his younger siblings for little things, being very disrespectful to me and DH, which makes me think he does really care and he is processing it - i suppose he is also processing feelings of rejection as well but he refuses to talk about it.
Yesterday the Aunt messaged me giving me the details of the funeral and said that they would like to have DS there as he was Ex’s only child. I politely declined and expressed that I didn’t think he would be up to it as he is not in a good way emotionally, and he did not have a relationship with his father, it doesn’t seem right for him to attend the funeral. I also have concerns with Covid etc but I didn’t mention these to her. She was really persistent so I said I would ask DS if he wanted to go but I didn’t think he would. Well, I made the mistake of asking DS, and he completely lost it and reacted exactly like I thought he would.
I went back to the aunt and said again, he doesn’t want to. She then was accusing me of making the past get in the way of moving forward and was saying that as his mum I should not be asking him, but telling him and not giving him the choice. She was guilt tripping me saying that his grandmother has taken her son’s death really hard and it would mean so much to her and the whole family (note: I have heard nothing from any other family members) to have DS there. She said that it will only be a small thing (30) and it will give DS a chance to see his other family members and be part of his black Caribbean culture which apparently I am denying him of. She said that it is only respectful that he attends the funeral of his father. She is saying that I should make him go because he will never get this opportunity again and he may regret it and that how he feels now is just his emotions and shouldn’t stop him from doing the right thing. Then she was saying that it was never the family that hurt me and DS, so it wasn’t right that I was denying them the chance to see him and for him to know his family.
I get that she is grieving, but I am just so upset that she is pinning so much responsibility on DS - he is only 17 for gods sake - and expecting me to force him to go when he has clearly said he doesn’t want to.
DH doesn’t think that that we will be able to force him but this morning he said that he has been thinking about it, and he thinks we should ask DS another time because the aunt made a good point about he may regret it in the future if he doesn’t go and that it’s our responsibility as his parents to help him. Then DH was saying that he also needs to ‘go and meet his black side’ of the family, and I was so angry because all this family have never wanted to meet DS apart from the aunt and the grandmother and his own father couldn’t even remember his sons birthday.
I just feel that DS has made his feelings clear and should have the right to be listened to but now it seems that everyone thinks IABU.
Sorry this is so long, grateful if you managed to get all the way through it!