AIBU to say that DS shouldn’t go to his bio-father’s funeral if he doesn’t want to

[RibenaCocktail]

I’ve name changed for this, as I’m giving a lot of personal info, and don’t want to identify my usual MN name, but just wanted some opinions on a dilemma.

DS (17)‘s biological father died suddenly last week.

DS does not have a relationship with him, and sees his step-dad (my DH) completely as his father. I met DH when DS was 2, he has always known DH as his father, as he calls him Dad and DH refers to him as his son always. However it is obvious that DS is not his biological son, because DS is mixed race.

As I said before, DS didn’t have a relationship with his bio-dad. he has seen him only a handful of times, and he can’t remember these times. Bio-dad has been in and out of prison and has been involved with stuff that I have not wanted DS to be around but DS doesn’t even know all of this information - he just knows that his bio-dad (who he calls ‘the sperm donor’ if he ever has to refer to him) wanted nothing to do with him and therefore he has has no feelings for him.

Over DS’s life however, I have kept in very occasional contact with his Aunt. I wouldn’t call her my ‘friend’ but she was the only one in the family who saw her brother for what he was when I was in an abusive relationship with him, and supported me to leave him. She has continued to send birthday cards and money for DS and asks after him. The grandmother has also sent cards and money and asked after him, but the grandmother was always very defensive of her son and often justified his behaviours so I was less inclined to keep a relationship with her. The aunt and grandmother saw DS about 4 years ago, and usually arrange to see him if they are coming down south every couple years or so. (I live the other end of the country now). It was through the Aunt that we heard about the news about DS’s father.

When we told DS the news, Last week he was very hostile and said he didn’t care, he was glad to hear it, he hopes he burns in hell etc and he was acting like he didn’t care. But the past week he has been awful in his attitude and temper, flying off at his younger siblings for little things, being very disrespectful to me and DH, which makes me think he does really care and he is processing it - i suppose he is also processing feelings of rejection as well but he refuses to talk about it.

Yesterday the Aunt messaged me giving me the details of the funeral and said that they would like to have DS there as he was Ex’s only child. I politely declined and expressed that I didn’t think he would be up to it as he is not in a good way emotionally, and he did not have a relationship with his father, it doesn’t seem right for him to attend the funeral. I also have concerns with Covid etc but I didn’t mention these to her. She was really persistent so I said I would ask DS if he wanted to go but I didn’t think he would. Well, I made the mistake of asking DS, and he completely lost it and reacted exactly like I thought he would.
I went back to the aunt and said again, he doesn’t want to. She then was accusing me of making the past get in the way of moving forward and was saying that as his mum I should not be asking him, but telling him and not giving him the choice. She was guilt tripping me saying that his grandmother has taken her son’s death really hard and it would mean so much to her and the whole family (note: I have heard nothing from any other family members) to have DS there. She said that it will only be a small thing (30) and it will give DS a chance to see his other family members and be part of his black Caribbean culture which apparently I am denying him of. She said that it is only respectful that he attends the funeral of his father. She is saying that I should make him go because he will never get this opportunity again and he may regret it and that how he feels now is just his emotions and shouldn’t stop him from doing the right thing. Then she was saying that it was never the family that hurt me and DS, so it wasn’t right that I was denying them the chance to see him and for him to know his family.

I get that she is grieving, but I am just so upset that she is pinning so much responsibility on DS - he is only 17 for gods sake - and expecting me to force him to go when he has clearly said he doesn’t want to.

DH doesn’t think that that we will be able to force him but this morning he said that he has been thinking about it, and he thinks we should ask DS another time because the aunt made a good point about he may regret it in the future if he doesn’t go and that it’s our responsibility as his parents to help him. Then DH was saying that he also needs to ‘go and meet his black side’ of the family, and I was so angry because all this family have never wanted to meet DS apart from the aunt and the grandmother and his own father couldn’t even remember his sons birthday.

I just feel that DS has made his feelings clear and should have the right to be listened to but now it seems that everyone thinks IABU.

Sorry this is so long, grateful if you managed to get all the way through it!

The family can be as adamant as they like but its in no way their decision if he goes or not. This man was his biological father, nothing else.
Your Son is old enough to make his own decisions. He could be feeling pressure to go from what the Auntie has said to you and also conflicted feelings/guilt so I would ask one more time telling him this is the last time you will be mentioning it. Also try to broach the subject of counselling once everything has hopefully settled down.

But just his emotions! They are very valid and not just. They want him to ignore how he feels (sperm donor) to make them feel like a normal loving family. Heck no, your poor ds

Your DS is clearly grieving, although he doesn't recognise that himself. He will be grieving for the father that his father wasn't able to be. No matter how wonderful his stepfather is. He really will need some counselling, but I appreciate getting a 17 year old to agree will be difficult.

I agree with both the above.

I think possibly he is acting out the rage he never got the chance to show his biological father, and that unconsciously he is angry that he never got the chance to have it out with him - and he is grieving the relationship he should have had. Who knows - at the back of his mind he might have thought "When I achieve X he will see I'm worth being proud of" and hoped his BioFather would want to meet him - if only so he could tell him to get lost.

Bereavements are much more difficult to cope with when there is a difficult relationship - the turmoil of emotions horrendous.

It's very sad that he is taking this out on his siblings, but this may lessen if you reassure him that you won't force him to do anything he doesn't want to. He must have so many emotions churning around inside of him - he won't know whether he is coming or going, but that doesn't mean that he can treat the younger ones badly - at 17 he is almost a man, physically, but his emotions are still very much those of a child, and of course, puberty hormones will still be ravaging his moods, too. From your DS's POV this death couldn't have come at a worse time if he had deliberately planned it.

The family (other than his aunt and GM) haven't bothered with your DS at all - they have no say in what he "has" to do - it isn't up to them to say what is "right".

Apart from it probably being you who would need to faciliate this, it's really up to DS. I'd maybe let him see some of the messages you've had so he can see why the family would like him there?

It's hard going to probably what would be his first funeral (?) for someone who is so significant a relation but also so insignificant an actual presence in his life and someone who has presumably died younger than average.

He might regret it, it might be a good opportunity to meet his other family but at his age I think there will be more opportunities.

Whether he goes or doesn't, it would be good to keep up contact in case he wants to meet them in the future. Poor lad.

You might tell him that funerals are for the living - not the dead.

He need not be 'celebrating' the man who let him down just by attending. He should know that his aunt and grandmother would like his support. (How much he feels he owes them does depend on what they made of this relationship in the past.)

At 17 he gets to decide for himself - so your part in this as as his support and his advisor. You seem to be doing this part well.

It might be useful for him to know that you don't mind if he decides to go and that it would not be disloyal. (These things are not always clear to a teen.)

It is so good that he already has your support and understanding. It sounds as if he will need it - with or without the funeral.

Nope they can jog on.

He is likely to be grieving that he can now never have a relationship with his father, even if that was only to tell his sperm donor where to go.

Funerals are a rite of passage and a way to mark a change in his life. If he wanted to go he could but he could hardly be expected to say anything good about his father, could he so that might distress his aunt and grandmother.

If he is willing to see his aunt and grandmother another time tell them that, maybe encourage them to write to him - but he gets to decide what he wants.

YANBU

It is completely his decision, however I think he may regret not going by the way he is acting. If he didn’t really care, he wouldn’t be behaving or lashing out the way he is.

I don’t think the grandmother or aunt is trying to rewrite history by having your son there. Most family members know the good, the bad, and the ugly about other family members. I think it could be an opportunity to, if he wants, to meet other family members, especially if there are some his age that he could connect with. I would bet some family members have either heard of your son, but didn’t know how to reach you or know if it was ok to do so or didn’t know he existed. I’ve met family members like that when I’ve gone to funerals because of stuff I didn’t know was going on because I was a child or teen at the time and you miss out on years of having a possible familial relationship for something out of your control.

As long as you and your husband are there to support him in whatever decision he makes and help him as best as you can, you’re good.

made a good point about he may regret it in the future if he doesn’t go

I've had people say that to me about family funerals I didn't attend for a variety of reasons - I never have. The few I have been to were dominated by family infighting so weren't helpful to me and I can't see what listening to people talk nicely about someone who rejected him will give him.

I don't know what the collegeset up is but is there a tutor attached to him who could point him in direction of their counseling services - coming from a third party as it were -though that could cause upset as well.

Perhaps it's best to pick a quiet clam time tell him you love him, he' free to talk to you about anything and if not you or his step-dad his college has a service has a counselling service he can use - but you're not having his current behavior continue as it's not fair on the rest of the household and you're worried about him.

@RibenaCocktail you’ve done the right thing imo of asking and backing up your son. His aunt and grandmother are grieving and I would not trust them to be able to not spill over their grief into actions or words that could hurt, confuse or upset your son. Let them grieve their son in their own way and suggest to the aunt if she wants to look at building some kind of relationship with her nephew that she contacts him in a whirl once things settle.
Reassure your son that however he feels it normal- anger? Normal. Indifference? Normal. Confused? Normal. There is such a huge range of emotions in the death of an estranged parent... as you are not grieving a loss as such but the potential that things might have or could have improved. You lose that possibility of a future relationship and you lose a fantasy you may not even have admitted or even Realised you had. It’s bloody tough. And at 17, even tougher.

Poor lad - he's grieving the loss of any chance of his bio-father suddenly stepping up and valuing him. Not that that sounds like it would have happened, but while he was alive there was always the faint chance and that's now gone. That'll take some time to process.

Whatever you do now, i think it's really important that you and his step father stand by him. Sure, say you will be happy to take him if he changes his mind, right to to the very last minute, but if he doesn't want to do, he doesn't have to. Aunt etc are being bloody awful - they just care about the look of the thing.

In the meantime, it sounds like he could use something physical to do - time to buy a punchbag maybe?

Good decision!

The Aunt etc can be as 'offended' & 'adamant' as they like.

Your DS's father didn't want to know him, the Grandmother defended him. It seems like the Aunt mostly did the right things, but that doesn't mean DS owes it to her to go.

DS will have SO much banging around in his head. He's now completely lost the dream/hope that his father will 'see the light' one day and apologise & want to be in his life (no matter how much he argues this is not a dream/hope, it would be incredibly rare for him not to harbour this desire). He can never have any relationship with his bio father now. (Probably a good thing really, but a devastating realisation).

One day he might regret not going- but as a man, he'll have to deal with what he decided was best for him as a boy. Whilst he's 27, probably bigger & stronger than you, he's still a hurt child 😢

One thing I would say though is that if he does anything else like throw something at DD is to say 'That is unacceptable. Completely and I will not stand for it.' Don't analyse it, don't bring up his bio father, don't be 'understanding' simply tell him that his behaviour is unacceptable.

Has DH spent anytime with him? Do they share any hobbies/interests? He probably needs that make binding now more than ever

Poor kid

If his Aunt carries on, I'd be blunt. ' I appreciate the help you gave me when x was abusing me, but I will not be guilted into making DS attend x's funeral. X didn't want to know him and none of you have wanted to include him in the family or Caribbean culture in the 17 years x was alive - X CHOSE not to be in his sons life. Putting pressure on him to attend as Z's only son is completely inappropriate.

Honestly, she's got a bloody cheek!!

Although I was really close to my father, at his funeral, lots of family
who were estranged came together, and wow did some people have long memories!

The funeral was absolutely not what my dad would have wanted, large church mass, hundreds of people who didn't know him, a priest who had never met him etc, but it was about appearances and essentially for my grandparents.

Of course your DS doesn't owe these people anything, and am sure it has come as a shock for him that his bio dad has died. Maybe he was planning on speaking with him at some stage?

I think you need to think about what would happen if your DS did go to the funeral. His aunt and grandmother would probably ask him to sit with the family, and generally be treated as the prodigal son. There would be high emotion and lots of questions about him and his life, about you and your DH (who for all intents and purposes is his DF).

If your DS does want to go, could you go with him?

If he doesn't want to go, then maybe he could send a card, something neutral such as, 'in sympathy...'

Either way, maybe having a conversation about whether he would like to get to know some of the bio family?

My dad died when I was same age. I didn't have a relationship with him
Difference being I did have a relationship with the family and they were loving and caring.
I went to his funeral but it was completely my choice.
My mum didn't come with me but she knew I would be looked after on the day and my cousins were there.
I'd be concerned that he will be on his own and completely overwhelmed.
It is absolutely his choice. Don't feel pressured otherwise.

17 is old enough to make a decision.
On a side note, the funeral could be hell for him. My DH’s father was estranged from his father (DHs Grandfather), and my DH had never ever met his grandfather. One day, when DH was 19, his father said to him “you want to meet your grandfather?” DH said he wouldn’t mind. So his father took him to the funeral. DH had no idea his grandfather was dead and he was going to a funeral. He was so out of place and relatives kept making snide comments to him about only showing up to try and get inheritance, etc.
Your DS shouldn’t go to a funeral of anyone he had no relationship with. There will be relatives who will be insulted by it. He’s made the right choice. My DH was tricked into going. If he’d had a choice, he would not have gone.

Bollocks to that
How dare they
Clearly they see him as a replacement for his dad
I’d be keeping him well away .
Decent family would of cared years ago

Your son is 17 and it's absolutely his choice. Saying that it may be difficult for someone that age to come to a decision. Personally I would say no don't go myself just because he's never been in his life! Making respects to a man that was never around is laughable imo. The poor lad must be feeling sorry confused. That a man who never bothered with him has died.

The aunt is being unreasonable if she's being pressuring though.

I've never really known my dad. He's still alive but getting on a bit. I don't think I would go to his funeral but its hard to say unless in that situation.

My oh is different. He doesn't have a relationship with his dad either but he says he would go (his choice). It's kinda morbid us talking about it as both our bio fathers are still alive but it's a 'what if' situation!

I'm sure your son will make a decision for him. 🌸

The only person entitled to decide if he goes or not is your DS. He's made his feelings very clear and it's his feelings that matter and not those of his paternal aunt and grandmother.

@FelicityPike

You are absolutely right. You asked him & he said no. It’s his choice.

This.

It's up to your son to make his own decision. If he never had a relationship with his bio dad then I can't see the point of anyone trying to force him to go and pay his respects to a man he has never known.

@StamfordHill - how on earth will a 17 year old going to a funeral of a stranger, along with a load of grieving strangers who feel he owes them something, give him 'closure'? The man is dead, that isn't going to change. Going to the funeral could cause all manner of harm. Attending funerals does not provide 'closure'.

Say the things he wishes to say to whom?!

And he has nothing to regret. The 'not having connected earlier' wasn't his choice or doing. He is a child. He was abandoned by his so called relatives. They are the ones who should live with regret, not a 17 year old who was rejected by his 'family'