AIBU to say that DS shouldn’t go to his bio-father’s funeral if he doesn’t want to

[RibenaCocktail]

I’ve name changed for this, as I’m giving a lot of personal info, and don’t want to identify my usual MN name, but just wanted some opinions on a dilemma.

DS (17)‘s biological father died suddenly last week.

DS does not have a relationship with him, and sees his step-dad (my DH) completely as his father. I met DH when DS was 2, he has always known DH as his father, as he calls him Dad and DH refers to him as his son always. However it is obvious that DS is not his biological son, because DS is mixed race.

As I said before, DS didn’t have a relationship with his bio-dad. he has seen him only a handful of times, and he can’t remember these times. Bio-dad has been in and out of prison and has been involved with stuff that I have not wanted DS to be around but DS doesn’t even know all of this information - he just knows that his bio-dad (who he calls ‘the sperm donor’ if he ever has to refer to him) wanted nothing to do with him and therefore he has has no feelings for him.

Over DS’s life however, I have kept in very occasional contact with his Aunt. I wouldn’t call her my ‘friend’ but she was the only one in the family who saw her brother for what he was when I was in an abusive relationship with him, and supported me to leave him. She has continued to send birthday cards and money for DS and asks after him. The grandmother has also sent cards and money and asked after him, but the grandmother was always very defensive of her son and often justified his behaviours so I was less inclined to keep a relationship with her. The aunt and grandmother saw DS about 4 years ago, and usually arrange to see him if they are coming down south every couple years or so. (I live the other end of the country now). It was through the Aunt that we heard about the news about DS’s father.

When we told DS the news, Last week he was very hostile and said he didn’t care, he was glad to hear it, he hopes he burns in hell etc and he was acting like he didn’t care. But the past week he has been awful in his attitude and temper, flying off at his younger siblings for little things, being very disrespectful to me and DH, which makes me think he does really care and he is processing it - i suppose he is also processing feelings of rejection as well but he refuses to talk about it.

Yesterday the Aunt messaged me giving me the details of the funeral and said that they would like to have DS there as he was Ex’s only child. I politely declined and expressed that I didn’t think he would be up to it as he is not in a good way emotionally, and he did not have a relationship with his father, it doesn’t seem right for him to attend the funeral. I also have concerns with Covid etc but I didn’t mention these to her. She was really persistent so I said I would ask DS if he wanted to go but I didn’t think he would. Well, I made the mistake of asking DS, and he completely lost it and reacted exactly like I thought he would.
I went back to the aunt and said again, he doesn’t want to. She then was accusing me of making the past get in the way of moving forward and was saying that as his mum I should not be asking him, but telling him and not giving him the choice. She was guilt tripping me saying that his grandmother has taken her son’s death really hard and it would mean so much to her and the whole family (note: I have heard nothing from any other family members) to have DS there. She said that it will only be a small thing (30) and it will give DS a chance to see his other family members and be part of his black Caribbean culture which apparently I am denying him of. She said that it is only respectful that he attends the funeral of his father. She is saying that I should make him go because he will never get this opportunity again and he may regret it and that how he feels now is just his emotions and shouldn’t stop him from doing the right thing. Then she was saying that it was never the family that hurt me and DS, so it wasn’t right that I was denying them the chance to see him and for him to know his family.

I get that she is grieving, but I am just so upset that she is pinning so much responsibility on DS - he is only 17 for gods sake - and expecting me to force him to go when he has clearly said he doesn’t want to.

DH doesn’t think that that we will be able to force him but this morning he said that he has been thinking about it, and he thinks we should ask DS another time because the aunt made a good point about he may regret it in the future if he doesn’t go and that it’s our responsibility as his parents to help him. Then DH was saying that he also needs to ‘go and meet his black side’ of the family, and I was so angry because all this family have never wanted to meet DS apart from the aunt and the grandmother and his own father couldn’t even remember his sons birthday.

I just feel that DS has made his feelings clear and should have the right to be listened to but now it seems that everyone thinks IABU.

Sorry this is so long, grateful if you managed to get all the way through it!

I would support your DS with whatever he chooses to do. His Dads family have had their chance to have him as part of their lives for 17 years and now are interested?! Personally I think they're being very selfish and not thinking of the feelings of your boy

Hi @GoldfishParade, thanks for your comment. I have to disagree that I am projecting though. I’ve always facilitated contact with the Aunt and grandmother when they have requested- I’ve always given him their cards, when we moved I made sure Iet then know the town we were moving to. I have agreed to meet with them am with DS a few times, the last being when he was 13 as I said before. I’d have happily let them see DS more often if they arranged it but it just seemed that the last time, the Aunt spouted all this stuff about how she was going to build this relationship with him and it never happened, and DS was old enough by then to realise that she probably hadn’t meant what she said about taking him to theme park, keeping in touch more etc.

It has devestated me that this has happened. I certainly can’t say I am going to miss or even grieve for Ex myself but I am devastated that this has happened for my son. I initially said to the aunt he wouldn’t go before asking him because he had responded so strongly when we told him about his bio-father’s death, (saying, why would I care, Good I’m glad, I really don’t care) that I just thought it would make him worse if I asked him. Then I changed my course and did ask him, even though I still anticipated he would lash out, and he reacted just like I had thought he would. We get the point about he may regret it, so DH is going to ask him one last time tomorrow because I asked him before. But I’m not trying to speak for him or stop him from doing something because I don’t want him to. I wanted him to have a relationship with his paternal side from when he was a baby but they didn’t step up.

@Felifox I agree with you completely. It isn't easy to navigate this strange situation. I just hope your son is able to feel calmer soon.

Making those promises to a child and not following through is terrible. Children do remember these things.

It’s almost like they want DS as a substitute son not their son/brother is gone. Too little, too late.

I think you need to stop asking your DS. He has answered you more than once and you keep asking. His fathers death is a reminder that he is not biologically your DH, he is reminded that his biological father didn't care nor did his family. This is something he will need to deal with but that isn't by being forced to a mans funeral and be surrounded by a side of his family who have chosen to ignore his existence.

As an adult with an absent father, I can tell you that is likely to affect your de very deeply and he will probably be dealing with it for the rest of his life. You are absolutely right not to force him, he owes nothing to his father or his family. Please do encourage him to go to counselling, the sooner her can start to process this in a healthy way the better.

Have you considered the possibility of him going to the funeral but not actually speaking to his bio-family eg slipping in at the back just when it starts and leaving a couple of minutes early. Or earlier if he can’t handle it
I’m not in the Uk so don’t know if that would work
That to me would be a whole different experience than speaking to the family, being introduced around etc. just a thought

My partner never went to his dad's funeral at the same age as your son and refused to see him in hospital. He has no regrets and even if he did that is part of being an adult and having to make adult decisions unfortunately. If they are really concerned about him understanding his heritage I am sure this can be facilitated at another time. He has every right to feel whatever he feels right now.

I wouldn't force my son to go to the funeral of a stranger .

That's all this man is , some stranger the boy doesn't know

You can't and shouldn't make him go if he doesn't want to, but I do think you should be supporting him to go if he wants to and feels able, for all the reasons expressed by his sister.

Funerals play an important part as a ritual for ending, and it may be that your son finds some sort of resolution in it. Part of his upset might be that, however little inclination he's had up til now, a relationship with his father and that side of his heritage is now gone forever.

On the subject of heritage, I do think it's important to mark and support his connection to his black lineage - once the connections to that side of the family are lost, it is a real loss for your son in terms of his identity. The sister seems like a useful and reasonable ally - I would try to keep bridges intact with her.

Just ask her how she thinks you are going to make a 17 year old go to a funeral he doesn’t want to go to at the other end of the country.

Losing your father is always going to cause complex emotions whether or not you had a good relationship with them in life. My F was abusive and I couldn’t bear to be near him when he was alive and yet I grieved for him when he died 22 years ago.

I can definitely relate to your DS’s anger! The painful memories came back when my DDs were small and on one occasion (when I was alone in the house) I kicked the bath panels and broke them. That was embarrassing to admit!

FWIW, I think you and your DH are handling this exactly right. It should be your DS’s decision, but it’s a good idea to talk to him about it again, and one on one time with his stepdad will provide a very good time to broach the subject.

You’re right not to give in to emotional blackmail, definitely.

Hi just a final update, my DS and DH has some time together yesterday and talked it through, From what DH says it went ok, DS was defensive and irritated with DH but he wasn’t aggressive and he seemed pretty chilled last night although I didn’t raise the issues up again, and I have agreed I won’t raise it up with him again.
DS told DH that he is not going and he is angry that his Aunt even expected him to go. He isn’t going to change his mind. DH did explain to him that he may regret in the future and this really annoyed him because he is adamant he won’t regret it. He said the only thing he is going to regret in life is not telling his sperm donor or the rest of the family where to go and that he is happier without them.
He doesn’t want to watch the live stream, but I think I am going to try and watch it or record it for my own closure for the relationship with Ex which until this week I didn’t realise that I needed.

I have messaged the Aunt last night let her know DS’s choice. She came back not fighting me this time but guilt tripping, saying, that how she thinks that’s really sad, grandmother is going to be so upset to hear that he is not coming because she had her heart set on seeing him and how she only hopes that he will come around in time and see that he has a family who want to know him and support him and please could I pass on that message that she hopes to hear from him soon etc etc etc etc

I almost texted her back something extremely rude after all of that but I managed to refrain myself and say nothing until today when I asked her to send me details of the live stream and his burial place once sorted out and I told her that if DS wants to come up sometime in the future we will see her then.

DH and I both agree that DS probably needed counselling about these issues from a long time ago but we didn’t see it and now this has just brought it to the surface so we are going to keep that in mind and have a chat with him at a better time. Probably not a good idea now because he just wants to stop talking about it and forget it all.

I went on the Aunts Facebook account and got a few pictures of some of the family members including one of Ex, because I realised that I had none. I know that’s probably not the best way to acquire photos but I just wanted to have some saved just in case DS wants some pics in the future. It hit me today (first time seeing Ex or a picture of him in over 10 years) how much DS actually does look like him and is built like him and that’s made me have a lot of mixed feelings but I do think he should see the pic when he is ready because I don’t know if he actually remembers what Ex looks like and at least then he can see that he looks like someone because obviously he doesn’t look like DH, my other DC look a lot like DH and he does look a bit like me, but as he has gone through puberty those features of mine are not as strong.

Anyway, we won’t be making him go or bringing it up again with him. I’m going to tell him that I’m going to watch the livestream of it happens, But he’s made his feelings and wishes clear so I guess that’s that.
Thanks

I would have been tempted to text back that he has a family who support him.

Please dont suggest to him any time soon that he needs counselling, unless he is becoming aggressive. Give him time and plenty of reinforcement of family bonds, so he and his father doing things together.

I wouldn't tell him I was going to watch the livestream. It may upset him in and of itself or he may take it as 'silent criticism' that he is not. Teens are especially sensitive to this. I'd say nothing, record it and watch it when he's not around. If he later says he wishes he had watched, you'll have it saved for him.

As far as the aunt I would tell her that DS has said he does not want to discuss the funeral any further and that you are respecting his wishes and so will not be telling him what his grandmother said about 'coming around' about the funeral. You will, however, tell him that his grandmother would like to see him in the future when you feel it's appropriate to do so. And that you will not reply to further texts regarding the funeral.

@AcrossthePond55 thanks i don’t even know the plans for the livestream yet. I. Don’t really wanna say anything else to the Aunt. I was going to say something about the ‘family who want to support him’ comment but I just decided I’m tired and want to let it go.

I just decided I’m tired and want to let it go

Don't blame you. And sometimes saying nothing at all says more than saying 1000 words.

I wish you and DS peace at this time. You're a wonderful mum and with you and his step-dad (IMO his real dad) he'll be OK in time.

Hi Ribena

This really resonates with me. I was in a similar situation at the end of last year.

I was certain I wasn't attending my dad's funeral. 100% certain. I visited the undertakers on the day of his funeral and planned to observe him leaving from a distance but I then felt the need to go into the service. I wore messy gardening clothes - in hindsight to downplay my visit to the undertakers and to ensure that no way would I go to his funeral dressed like that. But I did.

The difference is I'm mid 40s but still the mixed emotions and not realising I wanted to attend were so hard.

I feel so much for your son. He's so young, It's so cruel and ultimately his dad has caused this for him.

I'm glad I went. It helped me process. My three siblings didn't and they have no regrets, which shows there is no text book solution.

I also didn't have the added pressure form my dad's family. I was able to slip in last and leave first. I really feel for your son and his paternal family are being selfish, in my opinion.

If you have a streaming of his dad's funeral, I think that's amazing and will hopefully really help him to process things when he's ready.

Referring to an earlier post, I had so much to still ask my dad (I am mid 40s but he was young). You always think there's time and maybe maybe they'll 'step up' and be a dad. I'm not saying this is how your son feels but the mixed emotions will be immense and painful.

He WILL be okay though. You and your husband/ his real dad sound lovely. Sending you so much love and good wishes