AIBU to say that DS shouldn’t go to his bio-father’s funeral if he doesn’t want to

[RibenaCocktail]

I’ve name changed for this, as I’m giving a lot of personal info, and don’t want to identify my usual MN name, but just wanted some opinions on a dilemma.

DS (17)‘s biological father died suddenly last week.

DS does not have a relationship with him, and sees his step-dad (my DH) completely as his father. I met DH when DS was 2, he has always known DH as his father, as he calls him Dad and DH refers to him as his son always. However it is obvious that DS is not his biological son, because DS is mixed race.

As I said before, DS didn’t have a relationship with his bio-dad. he has seen him only a handful of times, and he can’t remember these times. Bio-dad has been in and out of prison and has been involved with stuff that I have not wanted DS to be around but DS doesn’t even know all of this information - he just knows that his bio-dad (who he calls ‘the sperm donor’ if he ever has to refer to him) wanted nothing to do with him and therefore he has has no feelings for him.

Over DS’s life however, I have kept in very occasional contact with his Aunt. I wouldn’t call her my ‘friend’ but she was the only one in the family who saw her brother for what he was when I was in an abusive relationship with him, and supported me to leave him. She has continued to send birthday cards and money for DS and asks after him. The grandmother has also sent cards and money and asked after him, but the grandmother was always very defensive of her son and often justified his behaviours so I was less inclined to keep a relationship with her. The aunt and grandmother saw DS about 4 years ago, and usually arrange to see him if they are coming down south every couple years or so. (I live the other end of the country now). It was through the Aunt that we heard about the news about DS’s father.

When we told DS the news, Last week he was very hostile and said he didn’t care, he was glad to hear it, he hopes he burns in hell etc and he was acting like he didn’t care. But the past week he has been awful in his attitude and temper, flying off at his younger siblings for little things, being very disrespectful to me and DH, which makes me think he does really care and he is processing it - i suppose he is also processing feelings of rejection as well but he refuses to talk about it.

Yesterday the Aunt messaged me giving me the details of the funeral and said that they would like to have DS there as he was Ex’s only child. I politely declined and expressed that I didn’t think he would be up to it as he is not in a good way emotionally, and he did not have a relationship with his father, it doesn’t seem right for him to attend the funeral. I also have concerns with Covid etc but I didn’t mention these to her. She was really persistent so I said I would ask DS if he wanted to go but I didn’t think he would. Well, I made the mistake of asking DS, and he completely lost it and reacted exactly like I thought he would.
I went back to the aunt and said again, he doesn’t want to. She then was accusing me of making the past get in the way of moving forward and was saying that as his mum I should not be asking him, but telling him and not giving him the choice. She was guilt tripping me saying that his grandmother has taken her son’s death really hard and it would mean so much to her and the whole family (note: I have heard nothing from any other family members) to have DS there. She said that it will only be a small thing (30) and it will give DS a chance to see his other family members and be part of his black Caribbean culture which apparently I am denying him of. She said that it is only respectful that he attends the funeral of his father. She is saying that I should make him go because he will never get this opportunity again and he may regret it and that how he feels now is just his emotions and shouldn’t stop him from doing the right thing. Then she was saying that it was never the family that hurt me and DS, so it wasn’t right that I was denying them the chance to see him and for him to know his family.

I get that she is grieving, but I am just so upset that she is pinning so much responsibility on DS - he is only 17 for gods sake - and expecting me to force him to go when he has clearly said he doesn’t want to.

DH doesn’t think that that we will be able to force him but this morning he said that he has been thinking about it, and he thinks we should ask DS another time because the aunt made a good point about he may regret it in the future if he doesn’t go and that it’s our responsibility as his parents to help him. Then DH was saying that he also needs to ‘go and meet his black side’ of the family, and I was so angry because all this family have never wanted to meet DS apart from the aunt and the grandmother and his own father couldn’t even remember his sons birthday.

I just feel that DS has made his feelings clear and should have the right to be listened to but now it seems that everyone thinks IABU.

Sorry this is so long, grateful if you managed to get all the way through it!

Imagine if he wants to tell his father's corpse what an arsehole he was. Is the funeral the appropriate place for that, do you think? Should he have to be so exposed, so public?

Hi all

I showed DH this whole thread and we have had a little chat.

We have agreed that we are going to have one more chat with him about it - but DH is going to do it. He is going to spend some one to one time with him on Friday when DH doesn’t work and DS finishes college half day - he is going to ask DS to help him get some bits at IKEA which sounds a bit lame For a teenager but It means a one hour car journey both ways and someone up thread mentioned a car journey might help him open up and DS usually enjoys building furniture with DH.

DH is going to explain to him that he would support him to go if he wants to and would go with him, but we will respect his choice and he can change his mind right up to the day. It’s in two weeks from tomorrow so we have some time.

We also want to have a chat with him about maybe linking up with his Aunt and Grandmother sometime after the funeral. I’m going to send a card to them, and let him know I’m doing that, and give him the choice to send one too or sign his name but I think I’m going to leave that until next week not to rock the boat with too much things.

We agreed that we would let it mellow until then but we agreed that we would bring up counselling or therapy to him if he has another outburst or gets at his siblings again. DH wasn’t there when DS threw the bowl at DD and I wonder if DH may have handled it better, but I do in hindsight think I kind of excused his behaviour and you are right, I know he is hurting and has a lot of feelings but I have two other kids who don’t deserve to be the punch bags metaphorically . Speaking of which; someone else upthread mentioned we get a punchbag - we actually have one already in the garage so time for that to come out much more I think.

He’s been ok this evening but has just been in his room. He declined dinner so no doubt he will come down to eat when he thinks we are all out of the kitchen.

This thread has given me so much to think about. I think, when I really think about it, I actually do want him to have some kind of relationship with his bio-family. I know that the bio-family is important and I guess now that Ex is gone, there is no danger to DS other than they may try to manipulate him which I worry they already are doing. I really don’t think the funeral is the right place for him to reconnect with the family though - I would support him to connect with them later on, but I just don’t think he is ready or will want to.

I really resented the fact that they never bothered much as Ex didn’t bother at all. He was only interested in getting at me, not DS. Like I mentioned before, the aunt was, at the time, the only one in the family who actually called her brother out and helped me to get away, she even supported me to make a statement to police about him. But even with her I’ve been disappointed because it’s mainly tickbox contact - birthday card, Very generous vouchers, Like she is trying to buy him. And the last time she saw him in person (DS was 13) she fed him all this stuff about how she was going to take him to a theme park nearby them, how she was going to introduce him to Jamaican food, how she was going to link him with some similar age related cousins, DS actually quite warmed to her, and it may have developed into a good relationship if she had kept her word. But of course, none of this happened, and she didn’t make any contact again until the annual birthday card or Christmas, so he has learnt that she probably doesn’t care either. His grandmother he doesn’t like because when he last saw her in person she told him he looks like his (bio)dad which he was very annoyed and upset about and she was quite forceful in tactile contact with him, but he hardly knew her, and again, this was when he was 13, they haven’t made arrangements to meet up with me and DS since then.

I’m not meaning to drip feed by the way, I’m just giving more context in case is useful.

Also - just throwing this out for advice - just a thought - a lot of people have mentioned that DS might have had hopes that his bio-dad would change and take interest and that DS May have had things he had been wanting to say to him but not has lost this opportunity. I was thinking maybe we could (after things have cooled down a bit) encourage him to write a letter to his ‘sperm donor’ and then we could bury it not burn it? So he could maybe get those things out? It’s just a thought but I also don’t want to make him feel worse. I just think he is going to refuse counselling so may not be able to have an outlet for these.

I’m regretting not talking about his bio-dad more with him as he was growing up to be honest. I’ve always avoided any mention of him and now I worry that he had thought he could not talk about any feelings like rejection with us. He has used the term ‘sperm donor’ since he was about 13/ 14ish But I never really explored it with him or called him out on it because I agreed with him that his bio-father was simply a sperm donor, and thought he had a right to call him that. I’m wondering now if we missed an opportunity to address some of these feelings that he may have been having. So sad that it’s brought death to make me realise this. 😞

To put things in perspective about contact, DH and I are both from large families, we don't live that local to any of our family and there is quite a big age range of the DC. 26 year age gap from oldest to youngest.

We get on well with all our siblings-none of our parents are alive. However, we can go for years between seeing each other or sending cards etc I'm not sure some of my oldest siblings would necessarily immediately recognise my DC in the street.

Even in the best of families where relations are good, they aren't necessarily that close on a day to day basis.

If anyone in our family was in need, we'd all walk over hot coals for each other - it seems mad but we are close without really needing to be with each other.

A good idea to get his father to talk to him. The person who has brought him up since 2 is his father. He has been reminded that he is not a biological son and that may be partly why he is throwing things. He needs the reassurance from his Dad that the man sees him as his son and your children together are his siblings. So he needs to be saying look son you cant throw things at your siblings - reaffirming the family bonds.

@alreadytaken

A good idea to get his father to talk to him. The person who has brought him up since 2 is his father. He has been reminded that he is not a biological son and that may be partly why he is throwing things. He needs the reassurance from his Dad that the man sees him as his son and your children together are his siblings. So he needs to be saying look son you cant throw things at your siblings - reaffirming the family bonds.

Absolutely this. You’ve made a good call @RibenaCocktail.

I had a not so good relationship with my Dad. He died at 60, when I was 35. My Mum, (they were divorced) forcefully encouraged me to go and see him when he was dying. My db (the golden child) and I were there when he died, and we attended the funeral.

Mum was right, I needed to go, but I had things to say before he died that had been simmering for decades, and I got a sort of closure. However, I was married, had a child, and Dad had nothing to give me emotionally that I wanted or needed. Had I been 17, the case would have been far different. At 35, I could see the damage he had done, had spent time and had help working through it, and owed him nothing.

My lad is 24 now, and I couldn't have forced him to do anything at 17 that he didn't want to do. All you can do is let him know that you are there to listen if he needs it; that you love him to bits and have his back; and that you will support him in any decision he makes about the funeral, and any future relationship with that side of his family.

I will add that once my Dad died, I felt a huge weight lifting off my shoulders. I could be my own version of me, as opposed to trying to be the version he wanted me to be, and which I failed at dismally, according to him. Your ds could be feeling, as others have said, a bit lost that he will never now have a relationship with his bio Dad. He might also be feeling relief, as I did, that this is something he now doesn't have to deal with.

@VinylDetective thanks, I asked DH to say exactly those words to reaffirm him. you are right I think he has been lashing out at his siblings and at us because he’s been reminded that he isn’t their full sibling like they are to each other and he isn’t DH’s “real” son although we of course never use that term, and he’s been reminded that he has this whole other side of relations as well as his bio-dad which he always tries to forget. I think there is a bit of resentment and jealousy with his siblings at times especially with DH.

Id block them. Your ds has made it clear he’s not interested. It’s unfair to keep asking him, plus it will make him dig in his heels, thinking how it would make me feel.

One suggestion OP for your DH to suggest is perhaps rather than go to the funeral, your DS might want to visit his bio fathers grave/memorial (I'm not sure if you mentioned if he's being buried or cremated) after the event with you and DH.

In this way he could say goodbye privately with support from you both.

In addition you could also suggest such a visit could be combined with a visit to his GM and Aunt.

I honestly think a funeral with lots of relatives he hasn't met is too much.

The thought of (probably well meaning) strangers telling him he has his bio fathers eyes/hair/height or whatever and reminiscing about a man he never knew would be hard to bear I think - it simply reaffirms his bio fathers commitment to friendships and relationships apart from his own son.

In short I think it's a big ask of your child to behave like a son to a man who didn't behave as a father.

[quote RibenaCocktail]@VinylDetective thanks, I asked DH to say exactly those words to reaffirm him. you are right I think he has been lashing out at his siblings and at us because he’s been reminded that he isn’t their full sibling like they are to each other and he isn’t DH’s “real” son although we of course never use that term, and he’s been reminded that he has this whole other side of relations as well as his bio-dad which he always tries to forget. I think there is a bit of resentment and jealousy with his siblings at times especially with DH.[/quote]

I'm going to disagree with this strategy.

I think your DH saying he can't lash out at his siblings, rather than strengthen family bonds might lead your son to conclude that his siblings are more important than him.

He's in pain yet your DH's primary concern is "his" children.

Rather I think the approach ought to be that he loves and supports him in any decision.

That it's ok, normal in fact, for him to have a range of conflicting emotions. From anger and resentment to pain and loss.

What's not ok is bottling that up to the point his only outlet is lashing out at the people who love him most (DH, you and his siblings) and are trying to do what's best and support him.

Yes, you might be doing it wrong but you are trying and can't do it "right" if he won't communicate - and you are desperate to do it right because you all (again DH, you and siblings) love him so much.

I think he should not have to go.
People put so much emphasis on funerals and I realise they are there to say goodbye, allow us to mourn- if your son had no relationship with his sperm donor, then the mourning is not funeral related.

My parents split when I was at primary school. My father died when I was in my 30s- having not seen him in all of that time. I never went to his funeral and have never regretted it.
One of my siblings went (but no others) and was pretty pissed off as all uncles and aunts (donor's siblings) saying what a marvellous man he was. It was so far from the truth- which they all knew- as to be laughable.
My sibling reported back and was seething with anger. Really regretted attending.

So your poor son may end up having this 'deity' presented to him, because no one can speak ill of the dead, even if it was the most odious human being imaginable.
let him mourn with you.

I really wouldn't try to force him. Someone I know was in this position and were brow beaten into going to the funeral. She lost it and ended up shouting at the corpse and then the family that tried to calm her down. It was a disaster and she completely cut contact with that side of the family and is still resentful towards her parents.

He may regret it but it is his decision, no one else's. I won’t be going to my father's funeral for example.

Your DH talking to father to son is a good idea. It will reinforce that he really is his father.
It would be ideal if he is able to get his emotions out about the rejection by his sperm donor.
But a word of caution about encouraging contact with his sperm donors family.
This exact scenario happened to my friend, the sperm donor died and all of a sudden the aunts and grandmother who had lived nearby and walked past their nephew/grandson without acknowledgement were all over her son.
Like he was a replacement for his sperm donor.
Also as he is dead he now was perfect and his lack of interest in his son is understandable "in the circumstances" I don't know what circumstances they are referring to other than he was a selfish prick but thats the line they have taken.
It has not been helpful for her son to have people who are treating him as if he is the second coming at the same time completely rewriting history. His history.
The contact your son has had up to now has been plenty for them while his sperm donor was alive and their loss does not entitle them to more.
I'd start being honest with your son about what the man was like. Because they will not be.

I don’t think YABU but neither is your husband. I think your son may regret it. Maybe get him some Counselling so he processes these feelings and doesn’t push them down.

They want him there to make THEM feel better. He shouldn't be asked again to go.

My father used to say:
In life, in life meaning that we all should do things while we are alive. Clearly his father didn't care about him in life let alone in death.
Guilt is never a good motivator. I'll respect my son and the other family would have to accept that. Like it or not.

@onlinelinda

They want him there to make THEM feel better. He shouldn't be asked again to go.

They probably want to see him, I'm sure I would if he was my nephew or grandson. They know what his father was like but he has gone, they are still here.

It's entirely up to the lad himself whether or not he goes, no pressure either way.

I have been in your son's position.

He's 17. It's the kind of thing he may well regret later on - not having that final closure.

You already replied for him without asking him when talking to his aunt. You had made the decision before you even knew.

I think you're projecting. Personally I would strongly be advising him to go although the decision is his.

He's 17, not a child. He might live to regret this. At any rate, I think not going to a funeral is something you are more likely to regret than going.

They haven’t bothered for him for years so they can’t ask this now. It’s good you’re respecting DS’s decision.

He's 17, not a child.

Yes Goldfish so why are you blaming OP for his decision?

@SharonasCorona I'm not. I'm saying he's 17 and can probably handle complex emotions with some support. Btw your post is off the mark. His aunt and grandmother have bothered with him. OP moved to the other end of the country.

Call the aunt. Explain very clearly that his decision is his alone. You don't influence it but you do respect it. You will however let your son know that he can change his mind at any moment and you will ensure that if he does, he gets there. They are grieving but don't let them bully you or him. I would ask for her to pass on details of where he will be buried or cremated so if he every chooses to pay his respects, he can. He might have lots of shifting emotions about this.

They haven’t seen him in 4 years, but yes, they did bother with cards/present so I stand corrected on that.

@BlueJag My dh used to say what was the use of flowers when you're dead. He used to give us money to get Mum flowers or save up for presents.

Ds needs to know his bio dad has died and given the opportunity to go to the funeral. But he shouldn't be pressurised into going by people who are strangers to him. If they want to build a relationship with ds in the future perhaps invite him to something that's a celebration.

It's important that ds knows that the family didn't keep contact and that was down to them, not up to you to keep contacting them.