AIBU to say that DS shouldn’t go to his bio-father’s funeral if he doesn’t want to

[RibenaCocktail]

I’ve name changed for this, as I’m giving a lot of personal info, and don’t want to identify my usual MN name, but just wanted some opinions on a dilemma.

DS (17)‘s biological father died suddenly last week.

DS does not have a relationship with him, and sees his step-dad (my DH) completely as his father. I met DH when DS was 2, he has always known DH as his father, as he calls him Dad and DH refers to him as his son always. However it is obvious that DS is not his biological son, because DS is mixed race.

As I said before, DS didn’t have a relationship with his bio-dad. he has seen him only a handful of times, and he can’t remember these times. Bio-dad has been in and out of prison and has been involved with stuff that I have not wanted DS to be around but DS doesn’t even know all of this information - he just knows that his bio-dad (who he calls ‘the sperm donor’ if he ever has to refer to him) wanted nothing to do with him and therefore he has has no feelings for him.

Over DS’s life however, I have kept in very occasional contact with his Aunt. I wouldn’t call her my ‘friend’ but she was the only one in the family who saw her brother for what he was when I was in an abusive relationship with him, and supported me to leave him. She has continued to send birthday cards and money for DS and asks after him. The grandmother has also sent cards and money and asked after him, but the grandmother was always very defensive of her son and often justified his behaviours so I was less inclined to keep a relationship with her. The aunt and grandmother saw DS about 4 years ago, and usually arrange to see him if they are coming down south every couple years or so. (I live the other end of the country now). It was through the Aunt that we heard about the news about DS’s father.

When we told DS the news, Last week he was very hostile and said he didn’t care, he was glad to hear it, he hopes he burns in hell etc and he was acting like he didn’t care. But the past week he has been awful in his attitude and temper, flying off at his younger siblings for little things, being very disrespectful to me and DH, which makes me think he does really care and he is processing it - i suppose he is also processing feelings of rejection as well but he refuses to talk about it.

Yesterday the Aunt messaged me giving me the details of the funeral and said that they would like to have DS there as he was Ex’s only child. I politely declined and expressed that I didn’t think he would be up to it as he is not in a good way emotionally, and he did not have a relationship with his father, it doesn’t seem right for him to attend the funeral. I also have concerns with Covid etc but I didn’t mention these to her. She was really persistent so I said I would ask DS if he wanted to go but I didn’t think he would. Well, I made the mistake of asking DS, and he completely lost it and reacted exactly like I thought he would.
I went back to the aunt and said again, he doesn’t want to. She then was accusing me of making the past get in the way of moving forward and was saying that as his mum I should not be asking him, but telling him and not giving him the choice. She was guilt tripping me saying that his grandmother has taken her son’s death really hard and it would mean so much to her and the whole family (note: I have heard nothing from any other family members) to have DS there. She said that it will only be a small thing (30) and it will give DS a chance to see his other family members and be part of his black Caribbean culture which apparently I am denying him of. She said that it is only respectful that he attends the funeral of his father. She is saying that I should make him go because he will never get this opportunity again and he may regret it and that how he feels now is just his emotions and shouldn’t stop him from doing the right thing. Then she was saying that it was never the family that hurt me and DS, so it wasn’t right that I was denying them the chance to see him and for him to know his family.

I get that she is grieving, but I am just so upset that she is pinning so much responsibility on DS - he is only 17 for gods sake - and expecting me to force him to go when he has clearly said he doesn’t want to.

DH doesn’t think that that we will be able to force him but this morning he said that he has been thinking about it, and he thinks we should ask DS another time because the aunt made a good point about he may regret it in the future if he doesn’t go and that it’s our responsibility as his parents to help him. Then DH was saying that he also needs to ‘go and meet his black side’ of the family, and I was so angry because all this family have never wanted to meet DS apart from the aunt and the grandmother and his own father couldn’t even remember his sons birthday.

I just feel that DS has made his feelings clear and should have the right to be listened to but now it seems that everyone thinks IABU.

Sorry this is so long, grateful if you managed to get all the way through it!

The only things that matter here are:

1. Will it be a good thing for DS to go to his father’s funeral? (No)

1. Will DS benefit from seeing his father’s family? (No)

I can’t see how going to the funeral of a man who never bothered with him will be a positive event for your DS. What the rest of the family think is irrelevant because your only priority here is your son’s emotional well-being. Your DS has said no and he deserves to be listened to.

It's his decision, but your DH makes some very good points.
You did not 'make the mistake' of asking him, you did the right thing to ask him. Allowing him to make the decision rather than you making it for him.
I would let your DH talk to him as he is probably less involved emotionally. He shouldn't be persuaded or made to go, but offered the offortunity again.

Your love for son comes across in every one of your posts. You’ve already done everything you need to by loving him and continuing to do so. Rather than trying to find the solution for him (which would have been your responsibility when he was younger), I personally feel given his age that you need to continue to offer him unconditional love and support with firm boundaries in place (e.g. no tolerance of violence towards siblings etc). Rather than offering solutions, tell him that you’ll do whatever you can to support him and ask him what does he want from you & your DH. If he says he doesn’t want to talk about it or he doesn’t know, then I would research support Information online and leave a printout of relevant items you found in his bedroom with a note from you saying that you love him and will always be there for him. Cruse, a charity who supports people living with the pain of grief will only support people who self refer - this is because people have to want it for themselves. That being said, he is still officially a child and I also think that you should tell him that there is a line where you will need to seek external help if he gets close to it. Take care.

OP, you and your husband sound like loving parents. Of course going isn’t sounding like the best for him. If he brings it up again you can say this isn’t the only opportunity to meet his family, if he chooses to in the future you will help him get in touch and meet anyone he wants. He might be feel that this is the last contact with his black side of the family and he is torn in his identity. But he shouldn’t be physically hurting your other children, and a counsellor aimed at grief in children would be a good way to start. If you can afford it privately that might be your best option at the moment.

I had a close (as in biologically close) relative that I had virtually no contact with during their life time. When they died I didn't go to the funeral, and I don't regret it. They weren't part of my life.

By all means talk to your son and suggest he thinks about it but you're absolutely right not to make him go.

@WeirdCatLady

None of them have made any great effort to be a part of your sons life so why on earth should he have to do anything for them?!

It would be a hard No from me.

This!

This isn't his last chance to meet his dad's side though is it?

Hardly the right time/place to be trying to forge relationships-they've already had 17yrs for that!

If he doesn't want to go then he doesn't.

If he regrets it down the line, then all he can do is seek help.

Funerals are fucking awful-all those genuinely grieving people -& your son!

I wouldn't encourage him to go and I think his bio-father's family are behaving very very unreasonably. My guess is their grief is making them try to re-write the actual narrative of their son's/brother's life. If your son shows up then that re-writes the bit where he didn't give a shit about his only child. Your son owes them nothing and you don't deserve to get this pressure.

I might possibly ask your son again if he is certain, from his own point of view, that he doesn't want to go - nothing to do with anything he owes his father or his relatives as he owes them nothing. But you know him best. Another discussion might be unnecessary and damaging.

I think your ds must be finding it hard - as long as his father was alive, there might have been a tiny thought that some day he might clean up his act, express regret and try to make amends. That is gone now. That makes it even more unreasonable to expect your son to show up to a funeral where presumably people will be trying to say nice things about a man who was an awful father.

You could suggest doing your own small ceremony locally? Get people who your son loved together and let him plant a tree, say a few words. It doesn't have to be now either. You could offer it as an option at any point in the future, so your son gets to say goodbye, have his grief acknowledged but does not have to deal with his biodads family.

He is old enough to decide for himself.

Your son should make the choice as to whether he goes to the funeral. He's made that choice. Respect it.

However

On the other hand, he needs to be told that aspects of his recent behaviour are unacceptable; and that since the only thing that might excuse that is the stress this situation is putting him under then he needs to deal with that, probably by accessing some form of counselling.

This - very much. He's acting like a 2 year old and that's not on

Can see both sides. Your son IS old enough to make his own decision. At the same time, there is something to be said about supporting other family members at a funeral and he does have a relationship with some of those. It might also help close some painful doors for him.

Just say to DS if you change your min between now and the day of funeral let us know and I will take you.

He is 17 if he is going to regret going or not going let it be his own decision he regrets.

It must be hard for your son to be reminded that he is not biologically your DH's. He feels no connection to this other man, and I don't see how any positives could come from convincing him to go - it would all be for the benefit of the mum and sister, really.

It would be a different case if he had grown up without a dad, but your son has a dad. Leave him be.

I didn't go to my own biological father's funeral. In fact, he didn't even have a funeral coz I was next of kin so he had a direct cremation with no mourners. I don't regret it at all.

@Twillow - why do you think it is the job of a 17 year old who has been very badly let down by that side of his family, who he has only met a handful of times because they have rejected him, to support them at a funeral of a stranger?

It's not up to you to have declined on his behalf. You should make it clear you will support his decision either way but it's entirely up to him. He is probably acting up because he's probably felt on some level that one day he will be able to meet his dad and have some kind of relationship. Now that will never happen.

I don’t think you’re being unreasonable and obviously you care for your son in this situation. I think he may end up regretting not attending, and could end up blaming you. I would spoil him a bit, make him really comfortable and try and get him to admit his real feelings. What’s coming out now is anger. As he’s mixed race, there’s also an identity issue at play. Maybe just explain to him that no one will challenge his decision, you’ll be by his side if he wants to go, etc. I can also understand the grieving family’s concerns, even if it’s a bit heated atm for obvious reasons - they just lost their son/brother.

Your DS is clearly grieving, although he doesn't recognise that himself. He will be grieving for the father that his father wasn't able to be. No matter how wonderful his stepfather is. He really will need some counselling, but I appreciate getting a 17 year old to agree will be difficult.

Family are people who love and care for you. His bio dad did not. Therefore I’d say he’s not family.

Even the aunt, who does sound a much nicer person, has met him a only handful of times, that’s it.

The aunt is clearly trying to do something to help the granny emotionally, however, using your ds as some sort of emotional support teddy bear at the funeral of a man who abused his mother isn’t in his best interests.

The heritage/culture is a red herring. The time to do that is/was basically anytime that your ds wants, apart from now!

A funeral is to pay your respects to the dead person. Your son owes his bio father absoulutly zero. Why should he pay his respects to a man that abused his mother and made no effort with his son. Stick to your guns on this one

@Twillow

Can see both sides. Your son IS old enough to make his own decision. At the same time, there is something to be said about supporting other family members at a funeral and he does have a relationship with some of those. It might also help close some painful doors for him.

I agree with Twillow

God so much to respond and argue against there but primarily, why does your son have to be "respectful" to a man who didn't give a stuff?

Yes, maybe nice to go for Aunt's sake but as soon as she started with the emotional blackmail is when I would take that off the table.

Of course your son is acting up. Now he has no chance of ever having his biological father in his life and it is a loss for what he has lost, not for the person who has gone.

Why should your son do "the right thing" by going to the funeral when the deceased didn't by his child? And who is to say it is the right thing anyway ?

I feel very strongly about this, will have vaguely similar at some point, so I will stop now before I get too irate.

Your son comes first last and in between, not the aunt or granny or wider family m

Just one last thought. Is your son worried he will upset his dad if he goes to his biological father's funeral ?

I would never even consider 'making' him go. My only action would be to tell your son if he wants to talk about or changes his mind that you are both there for him.

They are being very unreasonable but they won't be thinking straight at the moment.

Your DS does not have obligations to his bio father since the latter shirked every obligation under the sun.

It is totally his choice whether he goes to the funeral.

The aunt should not be making future contact contingent on that. YANBU. I do feel for your DS in this situation.