AIBU to say that DS shouldn’t go to his bio-father’s funeral if he doesn’t want to

[RibenaCocktail]

I’ve name changed for this, as I’m giving a lot of personal info, and don’t want to identify my usual MN name, but just wanted some opinions on a dilemma.

DS (17)‘s biological father died suddenly last week.

DS does not have a relationship with him, and sees his step-dad (my DH) completely as his father. I met DH when DS was 2, he has always known DH as his father, as he calls him Dad and DH refers to him as his son always. However it is obvious that DS is not his biological son, because DS is mixed race.

As I said before, DS didn’t have a relationship with his bio-dad. he has seen him only a handful of times, and he can’t remember these times. Bio-dad has been in and out of prison and has been involved with stuff that I have not wanted DS to be around but DS doesn’t even know all of this information - he just knows that his bio-dad (who he calls ‘the sperm donor’ if he ever has to refer to him) wanted nothing to do with him and therefore he has has no feelings for him.

Over DS’s life however, I have kept in very occasional contact with his Aunt. I wouldn’t call her my ‘friend’ but she was the only one in the family who saw her brother for what he was when I was in an abusive relationship with him, and supported me to leave him. She has continued to send birthday cards and money for DS and asks after him. The grandmother has also sent cards and money and asked after him, but the grandmother was always very defensive of her son and often justified his behaviours so I was less inclined to keep a relationship with her. The aunt and grandmother saw DS about 4 years ago, and usually arrange to see him if they are coming down south every couple years or so. (I live the other end of the country now). It was through the Aunt that we heard about the news about DS’s father.

When we told DS the news, Last week he was very hostile and said he didn’t care, he was glad to hear it, he hopes he burns in hell etc and he was acting like he didn’t care. But the past week he has been awful in his attitude and temper, flying off at his younger siblings for little things, being very disrespectful to me and DH, which makes me think he does really care and he is processing it - i suppose he is also processing feelings of rejection as well but he refuses to talk about it.

Yesterday the Aunt messaged me giving me the details of the funeral and said that they would like to have DS there as he was Ex’s only child. I politely declined and expressed that I didn’t think he would be up to it as he is not in a good way emotionally, and he did not have a relationship with his father, it doesn’t seem right for him to attend the funeral. I also have concerns with Covid etc but I didn’t mention these to her. She was really persistent so I said I would ask DS if he wanted to go but I didn’t think he would. Well, I made the mistake of asking DS, and he completely lost it and reacted exactly like I thought he would.
I went back to the aunt and said again, he doesn’t want to. She then was accusing me of making the past get in the way of moving forward and was saying that as his mum I should not be asking him, but telling him and not giving him the choice. She was guilt tripping me saying that his grandmother has taken her son’s death really hard and it would mean so much to her and the whole family (note: I have heard nothing from any other family members) to have DS there. She said that it will only be a small thing (30) and it will give DS a chance to see his other family members and be part of his black Caribbean culture which apparently I am denying him of. She said that it is only respectful that he attends the funeral of his father. She is saying that I should make him go because he will never get this opportunity again and he may regret it and that how he feels now is just his emotions and shouldn’t stop him from doing the right thing. Then she was saying that it was never the family that hurt me and DS, so it wasn’t right that I was denying them the chance to see him and for him to know his family.

I get that she is grieving, but I am just so upset that she is pinning so much responsibility on DS - he is only 17 for gods sake - and expecting me to force him to go when he has clearly said he doesn’t want to.

DH doesn’t think that that we will be able to force him but this morning he said that he has been thinking about it, and he thinks we should ask DS another time because the aunt made a good point about he may regret it in the future if he doesn’t go and that it’s our responsibility as his parents to help him. Then DH was saying that he also needs to ‘go and meet his black side’ of the family, and I was so angry because all this family have never wanted to meet DS apart from the aunt and the grandmother and his own father couldn’t even remember his sons birthday.

I just feel that DS has made his feelings clear and should have the right to be listened to but now it seems that everyone thinks IABU.

Sorry this is so long, grateful if you managed to get all the way through it!

How are you expected to physically make a 17 year old boy do something?Ex’s family is being ridiculous. I hope your son is ok and gets the help he needs.

I can see both sides and your dh has made excellent points. Asking him one more time without any pressure will ensure he has had mire time to process the situation. I would point out it's an opportunity to meet extended members of his family and you are concerned he may regret not going later but also reassure him its his decision entirely.

I lost both my parents before the age of 16.

You very quickly realise the magnitude of lost future opportunities, questions going unanswered, arguments never settled, help that will never be there, lost connection, not getting to know anything of the human being beyond mom or dad etc. The list goes on and on. You grieve for that more than the actual person and it can truly mess with your head. Anger is a main player in this one.

Just be there for him, like you always have, and give him a bit of time and space to think his feelings through for now.

You can't force him to do anything, he is 17.

I would support him in his decision not to attend. Funerals don't come with some kind of magic 'everything is forgotten and forgiven' button. I felt I had to attend the funeral of my estranged father as I was arranging it. In retrospect, I wish I'd arranged it, and then not gone. Most people there wanted to rewrite history to reframe him as a loving father, and me as the bereft daughter, and some of the conversations were extremely uncomfortable and embarrassing. And I am more than twice your son's age, and confident enough to have extracted myself when I'd had enough.

I suspect your son will be put in a similar position, and may come away feeling considerably worse. I wouldn't ask him again, but it might be worth saying that you entirely support him in not attending, but if he suddenly decides that he does want to go, for any reason whatsoever, even if he can't quite articulate it, you will facilitate that, and support him to do so.

the ENTIRE family being there, pointing or whispering "Who's that? He's his son".

I had this from people who didn't know the family background. It was hideous, and made me want to claw my own skin off.

And - seeing all the people there who knew his father, while he, his only son didn't, well, honestly, please don't let him go even if he changes his mind!

He's 17, well old enough to decide for himself, and it sounds like absolutely the right decision for him. I would 100% support him on that and shield him from the crazy aunt and any other flying monkeys. It does sound as if they'd happily rewrite the narrative (and are already doing it) and I really don't think that's in your son's best interests.

Could you or your H make sure to carve out some quiet 1:1 time with him over the next week or so? NOT to put any pressure on him AT ALL to talk, but to allow a spacious container for if he chooses to say anything. A long drive can be useful - you're both facing forwards and it doesn't feel so confrontational (and there's no storming off) - how about a trip to do a thing? Don't bring it up, just chit chat and allow companionable silences to grow with no expectation of filling them. He may or he may not open up, but any sort of pair to do so is going to claim him up further.

The Aunt's claims about his heritage are a false flag designed to guilt trip you. Where the fuck has she and the rest of the family been for the last 17 years, because it sounds like she's been in loose contact but it absolutely doesn't sound like she's been teaching him about his heritage in his life to date! And now she wants to do it at the funeral of his bio father who was clearly a very bad father and from the sons of it a suboptimal human too??!! She can get the fuck out with her romantic notions of saving her poor little nephew by forcing him to a funeral for a man who should have had the most love and regard for him in the world but who clearly had the least. She can get. To. Fuck.

Your son has made his own decision about the funeral, and rightly so. It is not for others to try and insist that he attends. He obviously has some anger still, about his Father, and this would make for a bad day at the funeral for him..

I think that West Indian folks have a different attitude towards funerals, and think that all family should be involved in the proceedings. I say this, as I had to attend my late ex Husbands funeral some years ago. He had remarried a West Indian woman, and the funeral was a little different from the norm.

I grew up with a distant father (no step dad tho). Growing up, I always held out hope that one day he would show an interest in me and be the father that I wanted/needed. If he had died when I was 17 I would have felt like that opportunity for a relationship had gone, and would have partly blamed myself for not being whatever it was he wanted in a child (he had a step daughter and a child with his second wife).

None or all of this may apply to your son, but the power/pull that an absent biological parent can have over a growing child shouldn't be underestimated. If your bio parent doesn’t love/care about you, what does that say about you (or so I thought then).

It has taken me many years to understand it is not me, it is my dad. He’s still alive but if I heard he died (not even sure I would know!) I would be sad but not very upset.

I wouldn’t have expressed these feelings to anyone at 17, and I don’t know what might have helped me - but hopefully it gives some insight into how your son might be feeling.

I think it is up to your DS and I think your DH and you need to reassure him that if he does want to go, it's not a rejection of you or your DH. Your DS will be struggling with lots of complicated emotions and it might be worth contacting a bereavement charity rather than a college counsellor.

His gran and aunt are probably saying the wider family want to see him but really it's just them. He's a link to his DF . I would be nurturing that link. Your DS needs to be able to explore that side of the family without feeling he is being disloyal to you.

I'm sorry for your DS' loss and for how awful this is. It must have thrown up difficult emotions for you too

I certainly think its worth asking DS one more time if he wants to go to the funeral (and offering for (somebody) to take him). The feelings of the aunt and grandmother are not his concern or responsibility so don't mention them.

If he refuses again, his choice, let it go.

But you might add by way of reassurance " If in the future you do ever want to say goodbye and get stuff off your chest, there are ways to do that your own way, privately *."

*He could write a letter to his father and burn or bury it, or visit the grave if there is one.

Your son has every right not to go, and it would be wrong to pressure him. I suspect he would face a lot of guilt tripping if he went. It would be good to offer him counselling if he wishes, to say that he can talk to your or his stepdad any time if that would help, and that if he changes his mind about the funeral you will support him. For example you could take him there and wait outside, let him attend the ceremony only, which would limit the pressure on him. If he can't talk without erupting at the moment, maybe write him a short letter? Then he can absorb it in his own time

I wouldn’t try to make him go. He has made his feeling clear. His bio-dad’s family are a bit much expecting him to go rather than giving him the option. Bit rich talking of showing respect etc to an absent father with a dubious lifestyle. If they cut all contact it doesn’t sound like it would be a big loss.

Your DS will be processing a lot of conflicting emotions right now.

If he doesn't want to go his wishes need to be respected.

Frankly I can't think of anything worse for him than being forced to attend the funeral of a man who rejected him and being forced to listen in the service/wake about what a wonderful person he was.

Likewise being trotted out like a show pony by his GM and Aunt and introduced to many relatives who've never shown the slightest interest in him.

Their reaction is about what they want not what's right for your son - the comment that he was his fathers only child says it all - they want him there for appearances sake.

People don't change because they died - his father caused a lot of hurt in his life and that doesn't disappear in death - rather it creates another set of different emotions for those they hurt to process.

If he wants to connect with his fathers family then that should be encouraged but at a time of his choosing and frankly when he is in a better place emotionally and in a gentle and controlled way (not being thrust into the midst of 30 grieving people most of whom he's never met and who will emphasise their relationship with his father without thinking about the one he denied to his own son).

So my advice would be to respect your son's decision, get him some therapy and if the funeral is going to be streamed, record it (but don't tell him) so that if in the future he expresses regret about not being there you can show him the service.

How dare they try to manipulate you into forcing him along to the funeral. Would they also expect him to sit through a eulogy about what a wonderful man his absent father who has done nothing for him was, and join in the pretence? He owes them nothing. Where have they all been through each of his milestones, struggles and achievements? What have they done during his childhood to promote his Caribbean identity? Suddenly family is so important, when the biggest show of interest the family ever provided him Jeff was a birthday card? Fuck 'em.

How would going to the funeral help ds? Too late for a relationship with his father and too soon to sit and listen to people saying he was a great guy.

The aunt is emotionally blackmailing him to attend not for HIS benefit but for HERS. Sounds like they want a replacement family member and ds will do. She does not have your ds's best interests in mind at all.

I'd thank her for the invitation to ds, say you are sorry for their loss and you are sure that if ds ever wants to get to know their side of his family then he will contact them in his own time but for now please would she stop the contact which he is finding upsetting.

Support him in his decision not to go.

But let him know that if he ever wants to contact that side of his family in the future, then you will completely support him in that.

Sounds as if you have been pretty fair so far. Worth following your DH's recommendation and asking your son again and leaving the door open/stressing that you are happy for him to explore that side of the family when he is ready.

But forcing him to attend against his wishes and be shown off as his father's son and told how brilliant his father is, when that father has been absent for his whole life, really wouldn't be in his best interests. That is really for his aunt and grandma, not for him.

Perhaps you could say to the aunt /grandma that you don't want to force him and it would be a very difficult occasion for him to have to meet so many other family members at once. However, you are very supportive of him meeting members of his family at his chosen time and pace if he wishes to do so and he will watch by video link if he wants to do so on the day.

It's absolutely his decision and if he regrets it later in life he'll probably be in a better, more mature place to deal with that regret.

As far as mentioning it again, IDK. On one hand he's made himself very clear, on the other I'd want to be sure he understands that if he changes his mind that's fine, too. Do you think he has that feeling or did the discussion not get that far?

I do think you need to address his behaviour. Let him know that his anger and confusion are normal in these circumstances but that he needs to find a better outlet for them. If he doesn't feel he can talk to you or his (step)dad, then a friend or a grief group. If he doesn't want to talk, suggest journalling or even drawing.

Thank you for the comments and advice, I’m feeling really overwhelmed as I didn’t think many people would have bothered to read it. The comments have made me really think about my DSs perspective and feelings. I had thought that he may have been feeling rejection I didn’t even think that he may be feeling guilt or that he may have had things to say to his bio-dad that he now can’t.

I’m going to show this whole thread to DH later. We had an argument because I was really angry with him for suggesting we ask DS again but I can see his point.

I am settled now that I won’t be forcing DS to go. I guess what I am really overwhelmed about now is how I can support DS today and over the next few months and years - I am so worried about him and have no idea how I can help him through this.

So your DS has no relationship with any of his biological fathers family but yet they expect him to show respect and appear at his funeral? Who is going to support your DS? Strangers? Your DS has made his decision

The absolutely last thing your son needs is to be forced to go to the funeral of a man who rejected his existence, alone and surrounded by grieving strangers who will be all over him, outpouring their grief, telling him how much he looks like his dad/his dad loved him, etc, and to have to listen to a eulogy and probably have his name mentioned (eg, X was a much loved son of Y, father to Z, etc). Your son is absolutely right to feel furious at everything or not really even know how he is feeling at all. It is not his job to make the relatives of his useless father feel better at the funeral, especially when they've treated him so badly. They have no right to expect or demand anything of your son. Your ex wasn't a father to your son, he was purely just part of the biological process of conceiving him. I can't see any good coming from your son going to the funeral bug I can imagine it could cause an awful lot of harm. The grandmother and aunt will just have bugger off. It'd be no loss to your son if they didn't send him birthday cards any more.

Also, if my DS does go (which probably won’t happen) probably Inwould go with him, I wouldn’t let him go alone

I’ve got to do school run now And to be honest I feel like a need a bit of space as I am feeling a bit overwhelmed, but I do feel better having let it all out. but will come back to thread later.

As others have said, maybe ask his step dad to say to him what he said to you about possibly regretting it in the future. I do think he'd be more likely to regret not going than going if that helps