AIBU to say that DS shouldn’t go to his bio-father’s funeral if he doesn’t want to

[RibenaCocktail]

I’ve name changed for this, as I’m giving a lot of personal info, and don’t want to identify my usual MN name, but just wanted some opinions on a dilemma.

DS (17)‘s biological father died suddenly last week.

DS does not have a relationship with him, and sees his step-dad (my DH) completely as his father. I met DH when DS was 2, he has always known DH as his father, as he calls him Dad and DH refers to him as his son always. However it is obvious that DS is not his biological son, because DS is mixed race.

As I said before, DS didn’t have a relationship with his bio-dad. he has seen him only a handful of times, and he can’t remember these times. Bio-dad has been in and out of prison and has been involved with stuff that I have not wanted DS to be around but DS doesn’t even know all of this information - he just knows that his bio-dad (who he calls ‘the sperm donor’ if he ever has to refer to him) wanted nothing to do with him and therefore he has has no feelings for him.

Over DS’s life however, I have kept in very occasional contact with his Aunt. I wouldn’t call her my ‘friend’ but she was the only one in the family who saw her brother for what he was when I was in an abusive relationship with him, and supported me to leave him. She has continued to send birthday cards and money for DS and asks after him. The grandmother has also sent cards and money and asked after him, but the grandmother was always very defensive of her son and often justified his behaviours so I was less inclined to keep a relationship with her. The aunt and grandmother saw DS about 4 years ago, and usually arrange to see him if they are coming down south every couple years or so. (I live the other end of the country now). It was through the Aunt that we heard about the news about DS’s father.

When we told DS the news, Last week he was very hostile and said he didn’t care, he was glad to hear it, he hopes he burns in hell etc and he was acting like he didn’t care. But the past week he has been awful in his attitude and temper, flying off at his younger siblings for little things, being very disrespectful to me and DH, which makes me think he does really care and he is processing it - i suppose he is also processing feelings of rejection as well but he refuses to talk about it.

Yesterday the Aunt messaged me giving me the details of the funeral and said that they would like to have DS there as he was Ex’s only child. I politely declined and expressed that I didn’t think he would be up to it as he is not in a good way emotionally, and he did not have a relationship with his father, it doesn’t seem right for him to attend the funeral. I also have concerns with Covid etc but I didn’t mention these to her. She was really persistent so I said I would ask DS if he wanted to go but I didn’t think he would. Well, I made the mistake of asking DS, and he completely lost it and reacted exactly like I thought he would.
I went back to the aunt and said again, he doesn’t want to. She then was accusing me of making the past get in the way of moving forward and was saying that as his mum I should not be asking him, but telling him and not giving him the choice. She was guilt tripping me saying that his grandmother has taken her son’s death really hard and it would mean so much to her and the whole family (note: I have heard nothing from any other family members) to have DS there. She said that it will only be a small thing (30) and it will give DS a chance to see his other family members and be part of his black Caribbean culture which apparently I am denying him of. She said that it is only respectful that he attends the funeral of his father. She is saying that I should make him go because he will never get this opportunity again and he may regret it and that how he feels now is just his emotions and shouldn’t stop him from doing the right thing. Then she was saying that it was never the family that hurt me and DS, so it wasn’t right that I was denying them the chance to see him and for him to know his family.

I get that she is grieving, but I am just so upset that she is pinning so much responsibility on DS - he is only 17 for gods sake - and expecting me to force him to go when he has clearly said he doesn’t want to.

DH doesn’t think that that we will be able to force him but this morning he said that he has been thinking about it, and he thinks we should ask DS another time because the aunt made a good point about he may regret it in the future if he doesn’t go and that it’s our responsibility as his parents to help him. Then DH was saying that he also needs to ‘go and meet his black side’ of the family, and I was so angry because all this family have never wanted to meet DS apart from the aunt and the grandmother and his own father couldn’t even remember his sons birthday.

I just feel that DS has made his feelings clear and should have the right to be listened to but now it seems that everyone thinks IABU.

Sorry this is so long, grateful if you managed to get all the way through it!

I don’t think I would ask him again, as he could interpret this as you thinking he should go and he has made his views clear. Maybe just say that if he changes his mind you will support his decision. But no YANBU, it’s his decision and the family of his biological dad are out of order. I would either not reply to text messages or simply repeat “I’m afraid DS doesn’t want to come and we respect his decision” again and again until they get the message.

Tell her you understand she is grieving but she must stop trying to persuade/guilt trip you and your son.

He won't go to the funeral, it is too much for him to process. She is risking him closing all doors on a relationship with her and her family. She needs to step back.

And tell you ds that his emotions are perfectly valid and he can always talk it through with you if he needs to... Or counselor at school/ college maybe.

I think that you need to keep your feelings out of this totally and your DS should decide for himself.

It wouldn't hurt to leave him for a day or so and for your DH to then have a talk to him about it. I agree that your DS will benefit from counselling. This is going to bring up a lot of possibly contradictory feelings and how you feel and how your DH feels is going to feed into that. It's a sad, sad situation.

The thing is, if he is there it’s like a performance isn’t it. How are they going to feel when he doesn’t match their expectation of grief? He can be angry, he can be sad, he can be all those things but attendance at the funeral won’t make a bit of difference in the long run. What will is him being allowed to express his feelings and have those feelings respected. If they truly want a relationship with him, that counts for them too. They can’t start any kind of relationship by ordering him to perform in a way that he doesn’t want to.

He might regret it in the future. But regrets are a part of life and you can be there to support him through that if he needs too. Whatever closure your son needs, I can’t imagine that the funeral will give that to him.

I think it's likely to also be cultural thing as funerals are important in Caribbean culture and especially the grandmother Erik think he 'ought' to be there. Also more of a 'your do what your parents say' culture. However, I think that's not his culture and you need to explain to the family that if they want a relationship with your Ds, they are welcome to try but at 17, you have brought him up to be able to make his own decisions.

You're not unreasonable but quite honestly, at seventeen your son has a right to decide for himself whether or not to go the funeral. It is wrong to withhold such information from a boy of his age. If his father was a high profile serial killer or sex offender, it would be different but he wasn't. Also aunt and grandmother will be pleased to see your son.

He probably won't go but must be given the choice.

Personally would tell them to take a running jump. And to be honest I would consider whether any future contact is in your sons best interests. He has made his decision and they should respect it absolutely.

I think its probably best not to keep bringing up his bio fathers name. I think all you can do is tell your son that you are always there for him, he can talk to you about anything but if he would prefer he can talk to someone neutral. I think it sounds like he is struggling with a sense of guilt that he thinks he should go to the funeral but really doesn't want to, no matter how poorly out parents treat us we still look for their love and approval. Your son is almost an adult, he can make this decision himself and not be swayed by others opinions

You asked him and he said no. He's old enough to know his own mind. Leave him alone and don't allow yourself to be manipulated. The relatives are not going to disappear. There will probably be a place to visit his fathers remains in future if he chooses. Sending such an (understandably) angry teenager to an event which will have people who knew the deceased lining up to say what a wonderful person he was could backfire horribly. His feelings are the most important thing.

Certainly you shouldn't try to persuade him to go. He is under no obligation either to his father's memory or to his father's family. (My only concern is that funerals are often a good form of closure - if it's put online would you be able to download it so that it's there if he changes his mind in future?)

On the other hand, he needs to be told that aspects of his recent behaviour are unacceptable; and that since the only thing that might excuse that is the stress this situation is putting him under then he needs to deal with that, probably by accessing some form of counselling.

(I can't imagine there'll be much of An Inheritance to deal with, if the guy's been in and out of prison...)

Listening to people talk about how wonderful the man who couldn’t bother to be a father was will not help your son process his complicated emotions . I would skip the funeral, but tell him he can always talk to you or you will arrange counseling if he feels he needs a neutral third party.

I feel so sorry for your son, almost an adult but now without warning, he has been thrown into having feelings about something he didn't realise was there. Could it be that he has feelings of being rejected, although not realising and now this has brought up anger and frustration of never knowing why, maybe a conversation he wanted to have with the bio-father when he was older perhaps?
It is his decision and he will get some confidence back in his ability to make adult decisions and have them accepted. He does not need his bio-father side of the family to tell him all about him and what a great guy he was deep down etc etc and undermine the life he has had with you and his dad. Perhaps when he is older he can bear to hear stories about his bio-dads earlier life, but this is rubbing salt into the wounds. You both sound great btw. Have a chat, give him a hug and don't keep mentioning it.

@Terrace58

Listening to people talk about how wonderful the man who couldn’t bother to be a father was will not help your son process his complicated emotions . I would skip the funeral, but tell him he can always talk to you or you will arrange counseling if he feels he needs a neutral third party.

You said it far more succinctly than me.

As someone who was similarly rejected by their bio dad, I feel terrible for your DS. No matter how wonderful his stepdad, I think there's always a small part of you that hopes your bio parent will one day change their mind and want to be in your life. Obviously, the death of your ex means this potential link is lost forever, so I can see why he'd be angry and sad. Any chance he can access counselling to talk it through?

I wouldn't try to force the issue but as people have said, leave the door open for him to change his mind about attending. The closure could be good for him. At least it'll be a small funeral, and if he just goes to the actual funeral and not the wake, there will be less chance to parade him around.

There can only be 30 at a funeral at the moment and he would be very visible which might attract attention - much harder to slip in and out / away again. Given the numbers restriction would you be able to go with him and act as security (assuming that he did change his mind). But if he doesn't want to go then it's absolutely his decision.

I don't think his family have any right to call your DS this man's son when he made no effort to be his father.

Leave the door open to your son to attend, if you can, but priority should be getting DS the help you need, not appeasing your ex's manipulative family.

Balls to the funeral, he has nothing to gain from going. It’s not his ‘aunt’s’ place to tell you how to parent. It’s all about them, they are clinging to him in a hope to keep a part of his bio dad.

You are his family, they’re not really.
Also is there a friend/ girlfriend he might be more likely to open up to? He isn’t really angry with you, he’s angry at having his bio dads rejection thrust back in his face again and not being able to vent it at that person. It’s about the unresolved. I feel for him

My best friends absent father died when she was 19. She refused to go to the funeral (and has never said she regrets it) but it affected her very deeply and she went off the rails for a while after. I wouldn't try and persuade him to go but I think its likely he will need lots of support, possibly the school can help or look into talking therapy. Hope things work out for him

YANBU OP though one thing the aunt said, together with the strength of your son's reaction, might have some merit. He won't be able to rewind the clock and attend the funeral so you and your DS will want to unpack his strong feelings to the extent you can to help him understand if not attending is the best decision.

BTW, regarding you as his mother just telling him what to do, how many times did you ex's mother tell him not to behave badly to you and how did that work out?

If you still think it is best for your son not to go, just try and explain again to the aunt how strongly your son has reacted and how upset he is. Either they care about him or they don't - if they don't then their opinions are not important.

Good luck.

It is a really difficult issue, he is clearly upset and that shows it isn't nothing to him. I think it is quite likely that one day he will regret it but we all have things in life we regret, it is part of life. Is there an adult he could talk to, someone he trusts? Maybe a favourite uncle or someone like that. On the other hand could his step father have a 1 to 1 with him, is it possible he feels torn between his father and step father, worried he will hurt step father by going?

It is a real tough one, hope you find a way through.

I think you need to reply to the aunt that you have her contact details and should ds want contact in the future you will pass them on to him.
Nobody should make him do anything.

Does his bio-dads family expect him to go alone?

BTW, pushing the Caribbean heritage as the hook to coerce you into making him attend is contemptible IMO.

Your poor DS.

I had a weird situation with my father's family where they were in touch with me and he wasn't. Hearing them talk about how wonderful he was (he was still alive and still not fathering me in any way) was very, very hard. They went against my wishes at around age 17/18 and the sense of betrayal and massive confusion I felt was overwhelming. I'd have felt obliged to go to his funeral, had he died, and quite honestly it would have completely messed me up. I can't possibly see what your son can gain from attending, the guy is a stranger. If his "black family" want to meet him, then they know how to get in touch with him and it would be better on a gradual basis than the ENTIRE family being there, pointing or whispering "Who's that? He's his son". If they want it to be at a k ok sThe fathering then it should be one that has no massive emotional charge. A funeral is the wrong place.

I'd tell your son - sometime before the funeral that you support his decision and are there for him and give him the option of doing something else on that day if he'd like to, if he doesn't feel like going to college. Focus some attention on him and him being special to you and DH. Or ignore it totally, if he'd prefer.

IF he chooses to go then you need to go too. He absolutely cannot be there alone and he has to be able to leave whenever he feels like it, even if it's at an inappropriate moment.

I think you are completely right....Do not make him feel guilty or that this is his last chance to get to know his dads family ...if they'd been interested before it would be different but they obviously don't care..
I would say exactly that to his aunt as well. You understand she's grieving but ds owes them nothing...and its not fair on him to meet all of these strangers on his own at such an emotionally charged event... they have not tried to build relationships with him....a funeral is not the place to start..

Stand up for him..