To think I should leave DH??

[everybodylovesgin]

DH & I have been together for 14 years.

We had our first baby this year born in March.

DD is now 6 months old.

My relationship with DH seems to be declining fast and I just don't know if we can ever get things back on track.

All we ever seen to do now is argue.
We don't seem to be a team, on the same side or supportive of each other.
Instead I feel like we're against each other and we're competing.

I feel angry towards him, I feel resentful and I don't really know why.

He helps around the house, he cooks dinner, he does the laundry, he gets up early on a weekend with DD so I can catch up on sleep, but I just feel like it's all done so he can throw it back at me, or that he's doing it to keep me quiet rather than he genuinely wants to help.

I feel like I'm struggling being at home with DD and he's at work all day and not feeling the same pressures of parenthood that I am.

I don't ever feel like I get time to myself, and my DH has complained that he doesn't either, but he's at work all day, he gets to have adult conversation, eat his lunch uninterrupted, go to the toilet when he wants.
I feel like that's much more time to himself than what I get!!

My stress levels feel higher than ever and I just feel like DH doesn't actually make much of a difference by being in my life.

He leaves for work at 7am and he arrives home at 5.30pm.

He will come home and he will cook us dinner, we will eat.

After dinner one of us will bath DD and get her ready for bed whilst the other is doing the dishes.

DD is going through a phase of not wanting to be with DH when she is tired and will not settle with him, only me.

8pm I take DD up to bed and that's me for the night.
I stay up with her 1. Because I don't feel comfortable putting her to bed without me.

1. Because it can take a while for her to fully drop off and she doesn't sleep for very long without waking up and needs to be settled so it makes sense for me to stay with her.

Some nights DH will come up with me and just lay next to me, others he will stay down.

I just feel so pissed at him because I don't feel like he does enough with DD.

It's so hard that she won't settle with him, even on a weekend for day time naps she barely settles with him, and it's always on me after lots of bouncing and hard work to get her to nap.

I feel really exhausted with it all, I miss having any time alone with my husband but all we seem to do now is argue / compare who's most tired or who's done the most around the house.

I feel like I always have to justify what I've done all day, admittedly he never asked or complains, but I just hate the thought of him thinking I'm lazy or unmotivated.

I do love DH, other than him cleaning the house, cooking and getting up early with DD on a weekend, I don't really know what else I get from him and how I benefit from him being in my life.

I don't want DD to have a split family but I just don't think I'm happy with him anymore.

DW & I have been together for 14 years. We had our first baby this year born in March. DD is now 6 months old.

My relationship with DW seems to be declining fast. All we ever seen to do now is argue. We don't seem to be a team, on the same side or supportive of each other.
Instead I feel like we're against each other and we're competing.

I do my share around the house
I clean the house.
I come home and cook dinner.
I do the laundry.
I get up early on a weekend with DD so DW can catch up on sleep.
After dinner I do the dishes while DW puts DD to bed.

I don't ever feel like I get time to myself, and my DW has complained that she doesn't either.

My DW is so pissed at me because she doesn't feel I do enough with DD.
I feel like that she gets more time with our DD while I miss out on watching her grow because I'm at work all day. I leave for work at 7am and arrive home at 5.30pm. I cook dinner, we eat and then my DW puts DD to bed and stays upstairs with her.

My DD won't settle with me. Even on a weekend for day time naps she barely settles with me. My DW stays up with DD because she doesn't feel comfortable putting her to bed without her.

Some nights I will go up with her at 8 p.m. and just lay next to her, others I will stay down.

I feel really exhausted with it all, I miss having any time alone with my wife but all we seem to do now is argue/compare who's most tired or who's done the most around the house.

My DW feels she always has to justify what she's done all day, even though I never complain.

I do love DW but, other than having produced a beautiful baby together, I don't really know what else I get from her and how I benefit from her being in my life.

I don't want DD to have a split family.

I don't really know what I else expect of DH, I guess I just feel that resentment as I can't help but my life has changed whilst his hasn't
Of course his life has changed. He will have you and your baby on his mind all the time. He had to adjust to missing his baby going to work, and maybe resenting you for not having gone through the pain of it. He has lost his freedom of being able to do what he wants after a hard day at work. Getting used to doing the sane work with less quality sleep even if he is not up at night with baby.

He also has to adjust to you being more needy and less resilient and dealing with the pressure of not knowing how best to help you because whatever he does never seems enough.

It's a tough time of adjustment for both of you but struggling with it more doesn't one has it worse than the other.

Dont make a rash decision at the moment, i had my first DC 18 months ago and its so tough. Im due my second this week and ive realised the newborn stage is like nothing either of us had experienced before. It takes time to adjust, give it time and see how you feel in 6 months x

OP,
Indeed it does sound as if he is helping.
Nothing prepares you for the change,
the feeling trapped,
the feeling like your life has shrunk,
the boredom,
the tiredness,
the missing the old you.

I think you do sound as if you are very low.

The sleeping thing is huge.
Having to lie down with your child to get them to sleep would put anyone over the edge.
I certainly couldn't have done that.
Those few hours after they have gone to sleep are critical for winding down.

Does he take the baby out for a walk?

Even if the baby does fuss with him, the baby doesn't get to choose.

He has to push through and the baby will get used to him.
It's the only way.

He's the baby's father.
He needs to get on this.
This will only get worse as the baby grows.

You need to walk away and go out for a walk while he sorts the baby out.

After 6 months it's going to be hard, but if you want things to change and for you to be able to leave your child with it's father, then you will have to be a part of the solution.

Oh, and baby's dont have to be bathed every night. Infact I think it can dry out their skin. I never did it.

Sounds hard OP, and I remember feeling like this. Lonely in the day, unable to get anything done because of the non stop and unpredictable feeding, soothing etc.

First, do check that you haven’t got some chronic PND. Talk to your GP about your feelings of anger and resentment.

Secondly you do need adult company and this has obviously been the hardest time to have a new baby, social distancing in place. Get out into the park, get chatting to other Mums. Do you know anyone else on maternity leave? Is there a local Facebook group for parents?

Thirdly, now is a time you can start getting your Dd to self soothe and settle. You need your evening back.
Seek advice specifically on this issue, MN will be a great help. Then make a plan with your DH: to watch a programme with a small after dinner snack, play a game, zoom call with friends with glass of wine.

I hope you can get back on track and feel more in control of your life OP.

Having a baby can be brilliant but there is always another side to the coin and for you, this is it. The thing about marriage or just being with another person is that it isn't easy. It's bloody hard work sometimes because you do have to change and adapt and a good relationship needs a few shit times to make the good times good I think.

OH and I have been together 20 years and we have had bad YEARS let alone weeks. We have had times where we couldn't be arsed, where the mere sight of him made me cross but we said for better or worse so we stuck at it. I honestly think that something happens to us hormonally when a baby is about 6mnths and this is something you can work through.

But communicate.

Baby will settle for him, with practice. You can't cling to your being "indispensable " at bedtime and then blame him that you are overwhelmed.

As others have said OP, your DH actually sounds like one of the good ones. I do think at least a call to your GP is worthwhile but if it's mild, she's far more likely to tell you to find extra support than medicate you. I think there are a few practical things here you should be looking at:

• At 6 months, the baby does not need you in the room constantly. So even if you are the one settling her, there's no reason you can't go down for half an hour afterwards to be with DH and still get an early night.

• The baby WILL eventually settle for him, day or night time, but you both have to let it happen. DH used to "banish me". I joke that I spent a LOT of time at the local 24 hour Tesco, wondering the homeware aisles, as I couldn't cope being in the house while he was trying to settle DS. But at 7pm I had nowhere else to go. It was actually extremely soothing.

• Seriously consider getting in some help. At around 5 months, we had a nanny/babysitter come in once a week for about 3 hours. It was heaven. I didn't do much with that time - often just the shopping or sitting in a coffee shop - but day time time away from home was a godsend. If I could have afforded more, I would have gone for a longer chunk of time (and sometimes, in agreement with her, I'd skip a week in favour of a longer session the following week).

• Do you have family/friends around? Just getting out and about with other people can help. At one point, my group of ante natal mums got into the habit of a standing arrangement for breakfast on certain days. If you and your baby had been up since stupid o'clock, you turned up, If you miraculously were still sleeping, you didn't, with no need to let the group know. For the women in our group, this was helpful because many of us found those hours between sort of 8-10 hell. With DD, who was a brilliant sleeper, I would never have gone as she was always onto her first nap by then!

@billy1966

OP, Indeed it does sound as if he is helping. Nothing prepares you for the change, the feeling trapped, the feeling like your life has shrunk, the boredom, the tiredness, the missing the old you.

I think you do sound as if you are very low.

The sleeping thing is huge.
Having to lie down with your child to get them to sleep would put anyone over the edge.
I certainly couldn't have done that.
Those few hours after they have gone to sleep are critical for winding down.

Does he take the baby out for a walk?

Even if the baby does fuss with him, the baby doesn't get to choose.

He has to push through and the baby will get used to him.
It's the only way.

He's the baby's father.
He needs to get on this.
This will only get worse as the baby grows.

You need to walk away and go out for a walk while he sorts the baby out.

After 6 months it's going to be hard, but if you want things to change and for you to be able to leave your child with it's father, then you will have to be a part of the solution.

Oh, and baby's dont have to be bathed every night. Infact I think it can dry out their skin. I never did it.

Wise advice here.

@Itsabeautifuldayheyhey

Clever post, really insightful IMO.

I don't really know what I else expect of DH, I guess I just feel that resentment as I can't help but my life has changed whilst his hasn't

In the nicest possible way, did you not anticipate this would be the case?

@BewilderedDoughnut

I don't really know what I else expect of DH, I guess I just feel that resentment as I can't help but my life has changed whilst his hasn't

In the nicest possible way, did you not anticipate this would be the case?

@BewilderedDoughnut

I knew my life would change. I think I'm just struggling with the accepting that it seems to be more mine than his.

Good advice from billy1966. Your dh needs to get used to taking the baby out or taking sole charge at home regardless of whether the baby settles easily or not.

Let's face it: lots of babies are unsettled with their mothers too. Some babies just are unsettled^. If that was your baby, you'd still have to get on with it and it wouldn't be some kind of proof that you weren't up to the job.

So let him feel that too: this is just part of his job, he doesn't have to prove himself, he already is the father. If baby is unsettled, ok baby is unsettled, these things happen. As billy said "baby doesn't get to choose". Probably easiest for him to take baby out at first, away from the reminder of your smell and presence.

There is a huge advantage in not setting up one parent as the expert and the other parent as "only fit to help if there is never a problem on their watch". Having two confident parents halves the mental work.

Sounds like he is doing his fair share to me and you are reading into his actions wrong.

I would see a doc and try to talk to friends/family for some more support in the day.

I think that a lot of mums don't quite realize how much their life will change in the first year and how different it will be for their DH.

It is very hard to go form both partners having a job and fairly similar lives to complete opposites.

On the plus side - you only have six months to go assuming that you will be back to work after that. It is much easier to have a more balanced and equal set up after that.

There still seems to be an assumption that most mums want to have a year off with a baby - its not PND to say that actually its pretty boring and isolating. In an ideal world both parents would have six months together which would make it both easier and force couples to actually function as a team. Maternity leave is quite an unequal system. Your DH cannot do much more than what he is doing now - as you said his life hasnt changed all that much but yours has. It will only go back to being a bit more equal once you're back at work. But perhaps being a SAHM is not for you

@everybodylovesgin I feel for you because whereas as lot of it IS normal you are experiencing it in far from normal times where a lot of the support network and the ability to be with others going through this has gone.

Talk to him first of all. Even though he is going things there is more you can do - he can settle her. For ours we got a ergo and it was great for DH to use to help settle. Let him find his ways of doing it.

Take time to do something for yourself once a week even if it is just a walk.

But I think remember that this is such a life changing event it does take time

I think what I'm really struggling with is, in 6 months I've never even left the house without DD.

If I meet friends, she comes with me.

She's breastfed and I have trouble expressing (believe me I have tried and tried) so I can't leave depressed milk for DH to give to her.

I've felt recently like I'd like to meet a friend for coffee without DD, but then I feel so so mad at myself and start to think it's not normal for a new mum to want to go out without her baby.
I guess because DH gets to do that every day probably without the guilt, that's where the resentment starts.

I get you op re the settling. I promise you though, your baby will settle with DH with enough practise.
If god forbid you had to go to hospital or visit a sick relative, he would have to take over and she would be fine.
If it's too distressing to hear her cry for you the first couple of nights then I suggest you take yourself off to the pub or a coffee shop for an hour or so. Let him text you once shes nodded off.

I get it though I really do. Have you got baby soft plays near by? Take your funniest friend with you and make sweary inappropriate jokes.

Hang in there

Bringing a baby into the mix after 14 years of being just the two of you is bound to completely upset the applecart - you've got from being a duo, to suddenly having this additional needy person who you are responsible for. It has completely changed your lives and dynamic and will take a lot of getting used to. You're also doing all this in a pandemic which has undoubtedly made everything a lot harder than it would have been in normal circs.

So what do you do? You could split up. However if you do, on the times when you have your DD, you will never get a break. There will be no one to hold the baby while you nip to the loo, or help with the housework. You'll be doing all that on your own. As someone who has done it (my eldest's father has never been on the scene, so I did everything on my own - no family either - til he was 2) I can tell you it's not easy.

The other thing is - I had a velcro baby (the above mentioned eldest child). I spent a year carrying him round the house to get jobs done. But I had no choice. You do. This will sound harsh but your DD is only not settling for your DH because you're in the vicinity/ intervening. You need to leave him to it. She will get used to it, and frankly if you split up then she will be with him without you as a minimum EOW and she will have to get used to him then. If you don't want to do controlled crying then don't, I never did. But find a way that involves your DH more, allows him to play a role in her bedtime, and don't martyr yourself. You don't have to go to bed at 8, you're choosing to. If your DD isn't settling then maybe it's too early for her? If she's tired, she'll sleep.

@everybodylovesgin

I think what I'm really struggling with is, in 6 months I've never even left the house without DD.

If I meet friends, she comes with me.

She's breastfed and I have trouble expressing (believe me I have tried and tried) so I can't leave depressed milk for DH to give to her.

I've felt recently like I'd like to meet a friend for coffee without DD, but then I feel so so mad at myself and start to think it's not normal for a new mum to want to go out without her baby.
I guess because DH gets to do that every day probably without the guilt, that's where the resentment starts.

*Expressed milk

NOT depressed

Also what SpaceOP said about "banishing you". Let your dh have that time to muddle through and work things out on his own. And let you have some time that isn't just about being a mum.

We actually did something a bit drastic at this point. Dh's firm was struggling and needed to cut down on costs so he took a day's unpaid leave a week while I spent the time partly working, partly upping my qualifications prior to relaunching my career. We did it for a year, it was tough financially but it really set dh up as a confident dad.

These days you have paternity leave. Or if that isn't an option, use the weekend. Find yourself something else to do, preferably somewhere else to be. Start planning ahead for the time when your lo won't be as demanding.

And remember plenty of 6 months old go to a childminder and are fine fine fine.
Maybe look into a childminder 3 mornings a week to go the gym and see friends?

Ok, just seen your update about the milk. Difficulties in expressing is going to make it harder. But you could still give one bottle feed and slope off for a few hours.

@everybodylovesgin

I think what I'm really struggling with is, in 6 months I've never even left the house without DD.

If I meet friends, she comes with me.

She's breastfed and I have trouble expressing (believe me I have tried and tried) so I can't leave depressed milk for DH to give to her.

I've felt recently like I'd like to meet a friend for coffee without DD, but then I feel so so mad at myself and start to think it's not normal for a new mum to want to go out without her baby.
I guess because DH gets to do that every day probably without the guilt, that's where the resentment starts.

It is TOTALLY normal for a mum with 6 month old baby to want to go for a coffee with a friend without baby! Do you feel anxious about leaving her or is it more than you feel bad for wanting to?

She would be fine without feeding for a short time, and it’s so important you get out and do things for you. Have you got somewhere local you could go?

Presume DP is supportive and says you should go out etc? (He should be!)

It's not like I haven't had the opportunity to meet a friend, I have!
It's just the guilt and I can't bring myself to go without DD.