To think I should leave DH??

[everybodylovesgin]

DH & I have been together for 14 years.

We had our first baby this year born in March.

DD is now 6 months old.

My relationship with DH seems to be declining fast and I just don't know if we can ever get things back on track.

All we ever seen to do now is argue.
We don't seem to be a team, on the same side or supportive of each other.
Instead I feel like we're against each other and we're competing.

I feel angry towards him, I feel resentful and I don't really know why.

He helps around the house, he cooks dinner, he does the laundry, he gets up early on a weekend with DD so I can catch up on sleep, but I just feel like it's all done so he can throw it back at me, or that he's doing it to keep me quiet rather than he genuinely wants to help.

I feel like I'm struggling being at home with DD and he's at work all day and not feeling the same pressures of parenthood that I am.

I don't ever feel like I get time to myself, and my DH has complained that he doesn't either, but he's at work all day, he gets to have adult conversation, eat his lunch uninterrupted, go to the toilet when he wants.
I feel like that's much more time to himself than what I get!!

My stress levels feel higher than ever and I just feel like DH doesn't actually make much of a difference by being in my life.

He leaves for work at 7am and he arrives home at 5.30pm.

He will come home and he will cook us dinner, we will eat.

After dinner one of us will bath DD and get her ready for bed whilst the other is doing the dishes.

DD is going through a phase of not wanting to be with DH when she is tired and will not settle with him, only me.

8pm I take DD up to bed and that's me for the night.
I stay up with her 1. Because I don't feel comfortable putting her to bed without me.

1. Because it can take a while for her to fully drop off and she doesn't sleep for very long without waking up and needs to be settled so it makes sense for me to stay with her.

Some nights DH will come up with me and just lay next to me, others he will stay down.

I just feel so pissed at him because I don't feel like he does enough with DD.

It's so hard that she won't settle with him, even on a weekend for day time naps she barely settles with him, and it's always on me after lots of bouncing and hard work to get her to nap.

I feel really exhausted with it all, I miss having any time alone with my husband but all we seem to do now is argue / compare who's most tired or who's done the most around the house.

I feel like I always have to justify what I've done all day, admittedly he never asked or complains, but I just hate the thought of him thinking I'm lazy or unmotivated.

I do love DH, other than him cleaning the house, cooking and getting up early with DD on a weekend, I don't really know what else I get from him and how I benefit from him being in my life.

I don't want DD to have a split family but I just don't think I'm happy with him anymore.

Imtootired's point is valid. If OP makes a hasty decision on the basis of having little time to herself and feeling unsupported, doing it all by herself as a lone parent will be a shock.

OP, when you have a baby a different life begins, and that very intense baby period makes damn sure you know it. I think in your case it would be a mistake to project that shock onto your dh and imagine if only he were different in some way you would be coping better, you would have that old life back. You wouldn't - it's gone, which of course doesn't mean that, as your baby grows and things settle, a new, different, but (in many ways) just as fulfilling and enjoyable life won't emerge in its place.

Unless there are things you've not told us, it really does sound as if your dh is pulling his weight, and just like you are not on holiday on mat leave, neither is he at work.

To be honest I do think YABU - he sounds like a he's doing all he can (and certainly more than other fathers on other threads) but it's not good enough for you? I would suggest you have a touch of PND. You resent him for working but is it actually feasible for you to go back to work and him stay off or does he earn more money? Don't break your family up over this - writing what he does to help down in your post should show you that actually he is more than pulling weight and he's the one out at work 10 hours a day as well. Working and dealing with interrupted sleep is also hard on the working parent

Here's the advice a MNetter gave to a DH asking about the same thing - I had just had DD and it struck a chord with me. I saved it and read it again and again:

"It all sounds boringly normal tbh. Having a baby and feeling trapped in the home, being exhausted and resentful of the person who gets to leave and carry on with normal life, feeling as though you are doing everything... it's having a baby 101. None of this shit is even touched on by the glossy mum and baby mags, or if it is, it's pathologists and called PND and medicated.

The absolute truth is, having a baby is isolating, bastatdingbastarding hard work, and it never ever ends. If you are in a marriage with the right person, who is genuinely pulling their weight and understanding what an absolute mind fuck it is, you can usually grit your teeth and get through the first five years without divorcing. But that means the partner actually has to understand that you spend six hours a day feeding unable to move, and six hours a day crying because you are trying to get the baby to go to sleep, and all day every day longing to get out of the house.

Are you getting up in the night? How many times is your baby waking? Are you coming in from work and taking over the baby for an hour or two (completely) so that do can leave the house, go anywhere to reduce the cabin fever, or just sleep? Is she getting a few weekends to just disappear and leave you with your child, and go and stay with friends?

Her feelings are quite normal. Most women don't act on them (they frankly don't have the time or the energy as baby care is so exhausting) and marriages scrape by. Both of you understanding that would go a long way to getting through this together. It's easy to believe that other couples are having a fabulous rosy time and feel even more isolated, but this period is seriously hard work, especially for 21st century mamas who have been told they don't need feminism because they are completely equal to men.
Then you have a baby and suddenly you realise you have been fed an absolute lie. Your job is to keep the baby alive and your male partner goes out to work. His life carries on as normal (with the extra kudos of having sired offspring and collected a few adornments to his success story) and the wife's world has reduced to four walls and a baby.
Women get through this a number of ways. They grit their teeth and drag themselves throu (usually by ensuring they get out of the house every single day), they find childcare and go back to work, or they realise that what they are feeling is beyond the normal grim stage and see their gp or HV for advice about PND.

In case you are at all concerned about my cynicism, I've had three kids and been happily married for 19 years. And have absolutely felt the same way as your wife after every single baby, for at least the first year. Once they start walking and talking, it's less traumatic. Fortunately, dh and I were teeth gritters.

Of course, there is the smallest chance (infinitesimal) that this isn't anything to do with having had a baby and her whole life changing (like, seriously, every single facet is no longer about her). In which case, she's still better off co-parenting with you to get through the baby years, with the understanding that you are co-pRenting. And then you can both sort out the new world order, custody, housing, and agree an amicable separation in time."

First off I would check if you do have PND it is fairly common.

Secondly having a baby in normal times is a completely life changing experience but having a baby (who does reading between the lines seem to be a high needs baby - normal I had one) in lockdown where all the normal avenues for support (baby groups/antenatal meet ups/classes) have been cut off. Making it a very lonely experience for you.

These things and talking to other women going through the exact same do help because they do make it feel more normal. The need to have time to yourself but the need to make sure your baby is ok are always in direct competition with each other.

I felt just like you. I think you might have PND, with that level of anxiety. I felt awful too, depressed and extremely resentful.

Firstly, you really need some time and on the weekends both of you should get a couple of hours, you on Saturday, DH on Sunday or whatever works. Go meet a friend for coffee. WITHOUT the baby. Just a bit of time to remember who you are outside of 'mum'.

1. You do need to let go of the sleep routine you've got going there. A rod for your own back. Let your DH deal with it and you watch something on telly with your headphones on every second night.

1. Your DH is a star. My DH was hands on and I remember feeling so much resentment because his shower was too long.

Get through this time. It gets so much better, it really does.

@Wiredforsound

What you’re feeling is COMPLETELY normal and actually your DH sounds like a good man. My DD is nearly 15 and my DS is 12 but I can still vividly remember those first years. The insane lack of sleep, the loss of adult company except for other mums with new babies, the absolute lack of being anything other than your baby’s mum. Neither of mine slept well and I remember feeling so on edge that I though my bones would shatter if someone one touched them. The first year of a baby, where they catch every illness, teethe, learn to eat food, start crawling, walking, and growing before your eyes, is exhausting, and all the while you are still recovering. It’s ok. It will get better. Be kind to yourself, and your baby, and your DH. This will pass.

This.

Honestly OP it is normal and it will pass.

I went back to work at 5.5 months so that my husband could have shared parental leave, and I am the main breadwinner whilst he works part time. I understand why you see his work the way you do - yes, it is a break from some aspects of parenting - but it is still not really your own time, it is still hard and stressful and you are still tired when you come home. It sounds to me like you and he are slightly mired in competing over who is more tired when the truth is you are probably both knackered for different reasons. We have a very strong marriage and had been together for eight years when we had our daughter but we still did this too, I think everyone does, and it does end up with each one "saving" what they have done to say "well, I did this this and this" if they feel accused of not doing enough.

Bluntly, it gets easier as the baby gets older and you both get the hang of things a bit more

Oh my goodness OP the rage & resentment is totally normal. Sad but true. Sleep deprivation and hormones are a deadly combination.

A couple of things - first, def have a think/read about whether you have pnd and seek support if you think you might. No prizes for not seeking help.

Secondly, you don’t say if you have any support other than your husband. If not, get some. Find a local nanny, friend, babysitter or someone to take the baby off your hands during the day for a couple of hours and do whatever you like (I used to sit in a cafe looking at pictures of my baby on my phone but it was my time and that’s all that mattered). Do you have any good friends nearby? Lean on them too. I would be totally happy to take a baby for a couple of hours while a friend of mine slept/went for lunch with her husband etc. But wouldn’t think to offer unless you asked!

Do you have new mum friends? Lean on them heavily. This includes whatsapp group complaining about how useless your husbands are*. It is a lifesaver and utterly harmless - will make it feel much less of a thing when other people tell you similar stories.

Also (and I absolutely didn’t get this advice for a long time), remember that it is ok for your baby to have a sub optimal experience from time to time. If you husband settles her and she cries for a bit, that’s actually ok. We are so attuned to want to give our babies the best, we freak out if that’s not delivered, but it’s ok to enforce your own boundaries. Have a look at some gentle parenting websites and books.

Finally, two books I loved about parenting (but not how to do it) were How Not To Hate Your Husband After Kids (different set of issues but hilariously funny and a much needed tonic) and What Mothers Do (as a life affirming confidence booster). Recommend both v highly.

• whether or not he is useless isn’t really the point

You must have had some reason to stay with your DH for 14 years and want to have a family with him.

Having a baby is a shock to the system, but you have to remember she won't be a baby forever.

You need to make time for yourself and DH to have time to be a couple as well. Remember the things you did before you had your DD. Even if it's just watching a box set together, sharing a glass of wine when she's asleep in the evening, reading side by side in bed, going for a walk as a family, watching a movie on a Saturday night, etc.

Also, the going to bed when the baby does is a problem! I've known friends do this and it never ends well! At 6months old you should be able to put dd to bed and return downstairs for some time with DH. At that age, 8pm is too late for bed- I would suggest you put her to bed at 7pm- she may wake, but you then return to her and resettle her rather than stay with her.

Oh lovely, I considered suffocating my DH a few times during the early months when I was up breastfeeding for the fourth time in a night and he was making annoying mouth breathing sleeping noises that weren't quite snores.

Everything feels SHIT at the point you are at. I promise you it does get better. Your DH sounds like he is in fact stepping up.

Maybe try to get out for a walk at the weekends? Do you have a sling or baby carrier? If so you could get DH to wear it whilst you walk, he can then spend lovely snuggly bonding time with DD and you have your hands free.

Also, please get checked for PND. It's insidious, sneaky and nothing to be ashamed about. You would get checked for any other birth injury, PND is just the same, it's birth throwing your brain chemicals out of whack.

I could have written this post 6 years ago, but now I have a cracking relationship with DH again. It took time and a lot of work on both our parts to understand there is a new normal and we are not too of each other's priorities list anymore. It's definitely a culture shock.

It won't feel completely normal for you because for the last 14 years this wasn't your normal.

I've been with my DH for 23 years and the only time I've ever thought about leaving him was when we had very young DC. I didn't have PND, but I did have resentful thoughts about "well I do all the hard work anyway - I wouldn't really miss him".

Hang in there OP! Honestly things will look different in a year's time. I know that feels like forever, but it really isn't in the context of a long, mainly happy marriage. My DH is a good man and yours sounds like one too.

I think you should put your baby to sleep and leave her to it. Don’t hang around in the room. How can she settle if you’re there? Step away and spend time with your husband!

I hope you feel better this morning OP. Like others have said, the 6 month mark can be so hard. Long term exhaustion has often set in and the massive changes to your lifestyle and relationships are really being brought home. Not to mention you’ve been doing all this during a global pandemic.

I think it’s totally understandable you feel so angry and stressed. But I think that he does sound like he is also working hard. You’re both tired and stressed in different ways.

I remember people telling me at this stage it would pass with the tiredness and feeling so stressed all the time and honestly at the time I just wanted to smack whoever said it. Because it does feel endless. Trouble is, the people who told me that were right.

There’s plenty of advice for you up thread about practical considerations, so I won’t add to that. I’d just say it’s very hard to switch your attitude when you feel so angry, tired and resentful. But try to give yourself and your husband a bit of a break, it’s really hard becoming new parents and never more so than the last few months. I think what @stealthbanana says about it being ok for baby to have a sub optimal experience is really worth listening to especially when it comes to your husband figuring out how to get her to settle for him. At the end of the day if you decide between you she won’t settle for him she never will.

I do feel for you, this is really tough and how you feel is 100% understandable. But I would advise not to keep going down this train of thought right now with leaving your husband if the relationship has otherwise been good.

One thing that might happen when you have a new baby is all your feelings of affection etc transfer to baby temporarily.

It really doesn't stay that way forever. But it could make you question what your dh brings to the table when it feels like your baby is your world. As mum to older children I can assure you this can change!

I experienced similar, a lot of resentment towards my dh. I felt jealous he got to go to work and I didn't. If he did things with ds it felt to me like a favour. I actually had undiagnosed post natal depression. When it was finally diagnosed nearly 12 months post birth and I got treatment for it my feelings for dh improved. That baby is now a teen and we are still together. I am not a professional but thought it might help to share.

There is loads of practical advice on here, please do follow it. I returned to work part time when dd was 8 months. I did resent it but it was a good thing and now my job is a very significant and joy-brining part of my life (as well as supplying very much needed in income).

As PPs have said .Babies are a big shock to most! Somewhere I read that it is like putting a hand grenade (virtual presumably!) into a marriage and seeing it explode! TBH if DH is working ,cooking Supper and so on, then he has a hell of a lot more going for him than some of the truly heartbreakingly awful Mumsnet husbands! You would have to do it all on your own if you were an SP! Do you have any time alone together ?Maybe DM /friend could stay with Babe while you have a pub lunch at the weekend ?or a swift half at the pub on a evening? Just a couple of hours Baby free can make a big difference .Maybe have some counselling if possible as well .I would hang on in there if you can ,14 years is a long time to be together and child free .Forgive me for asking but did it take a long time to conceive ?Often parents who have waited a long time and, then "hit the jackpot" find their dreams of a fluffy baby and "perfect"family (no such thing IMO!) arent quite the same in RL!

Hi OP, I could have written your post.

When our baby was about 4 months old things sensed to change between me and DH and I felt angry at him for a reason I couldn’t fathom. We argued all the time over absolutely nothing, sniping at each other and each being always right. It was just awful and I spend a lot of time in tears.

One day something just snapped inside me and I packed me and the baby up and went to my moms. I didn’t tell my DH I was going and I told him when I was already at my moms and he rang me to let me know what time he would be home. I told him that I couldn’t take the arguing anymore and I just didn’t feel like we were on the same team anymore. Ultimately I stayed with my mom for about 4 days and then went back home.

The baby in question is now 6 years old and when I look back on that time I still don’t know what my husband actually did wrong to justify me walking out because he’s a wonderful father and husband.

Things did change because I think he saw how exhausted with motherhood I was - and I literally was exhausted. Baby was breast fed, an awful sleeper and always always wanted me.

Saying that, he’s 6 now and he still always wants me for everything - daddy just wont do.

My husband was similar to yours in that he’d come home from work at about 5pm, take the baby off me and I would go to bed for about 1.5 hours. During that time he would be cooking dinner and waking me up when it was ready. I would then go and bath the baby whilst he cleaned the kitchen. When the baby was cluster feeding during the night my husband would sit up with me because he said we were a team and we were in it together. Every Saturday and Sunday he’d get up with the baby and let me sleep. Before he went to work in the morning he would make me a packed lunch and leave it in the freezer so he would always know I at least would be eating.

When I went back, after having gone to moms, it too a few months for things to settle down but it all worked out in the end. When we had our second baby we didn’t have the same problems at all because we knew how it was to parent and it was no longer something we were learning to do together and finding it difficult, like we had with our first.

My advice is be honest with your husband - it sounds like you have a good man and after 14 years together it would be a shame to throw it all away when you in such a difficult period of your lives - both of you are but for different reasons.

I found my HV a fantastic support during my difficult times with my husband, she was so reassuring and calming....she really helped me to get things straight in my head and understand that having a baby (especially your first) is a HUGE upheaval and a learning curve that me and DH had to tackle together and someone find our way through it.

The best of luck OP.....do reach out and talk to someone

Honestly op is really hard but you need to work through this feeling of entrapment.

Work through any issues with your little one but absolutely never allow yourself to be trapped by their needs- obviously after their basic needs are met.
You’ll be a much better parent for it- you don’t have to feel guilty for going to the toilet, or spending an hour or 3 downstairs every night.

Babies cry, it’s not always a negative. (If they’re crying when you go to the toilet honestly, don’t let it stress you out, they’re not going to spontaneously combust or be emotionally scarred for life because you’ve let them cry.

Same at night, if they’re so unsettled when asleep, you being there to sooth them constantly is probably adding to that issue rather than helping to solve it.

Don’t let mum guilt get you down op. Being a FTM with a young demanding baby is honestly survival.

I think it is really normal, sadly. And that's in part because having a newborn is the first time it properly hits home to women how badly they are disadvantaged by the way society treats women.

In the scheme of things your DH actually sounds pretty helpful and progressive. None of us can really tell what the state of your relationship is like but by the standards of some husbands of new mums he does seem to be trying to be as equal and supportive as his work schedule allows.

I'm normally pretty hard-line on dads who don't pull their weight but I'd give it a bit more time and give him the benefit of the doubt. It's natural for you to feel overwhelmed at this point.

Welcome to the world of parenthood . It's just life . Maybe you are one of my neighbours ? They moved in child free - it was all parties in the garden etc . One child down and how different they look and she is pregnant again . Harrassed isn't the word to describe how they look - hot over the head by a sledgehammer perhaps . Yes maybe I'm a nosy neighbour 😁 but my kitchen window looks out towards their house. I often think this is Nature at its most cruel - young and attractive and programmed to breed but the very breeding is what then creates this massive change ! I'm so glad I am out the other end . Kids are not easy and tbh they are the biggest drain on any relationship .

I echo a lot of what’s being said by other posters, I think we all struggle at some point.
My DD2 cried non stop until she was eight months old. I used to run into her when she wouldn’t settle and my DH insisted we left her to settle. We literally used to stand in the kitchen with the oven timer on for 2 minutes, go into her and reassure her, then three minutes and four minutes etc. within a week of this (me crying as well!) she settled very well at bedtime. She was breastfed too but I used a dummy which helped so much. DHs theory was that something had to be done as we simply couldn’t have listened to her screaming all day and at night too.
Your DH sounds like he is doing his best to step up, you have had a long relationship, please don’t let it all go now. In a few years you will be in a completely different place.
My heart genuine goes out to you, look after yourself and try to get time for yourself at the weekends, it makes a massive difference to your wellbeing. 💐💐

Read some books like The Unmumsy Mum, Hurrah for Gin, Man versus Baby - you will find very similar feelings and stories in there that make you realise it’s not just you. It’s a massive change and my DHs mere presence at times inflamed me because he was at work and I wasn’t. Don’t stay upstairs with the baby in the evenings. Come down and spend some time together

op we have felt similar. You need to talk to him. Also 6 months is hard. A few months makes a big difference.