To think I should leave DH??

[everybodylovesgin]

DH & I have been together for 14 years.

We had our first baby this year born in March.

DD is now 6 months old.

My relationship with DH seems to be declining fast and I just don't know if we can ever get things back on track.

All we ever seen to do now is argue.
We don't seem to be a team, on the same side or supportive of each other.
Instead I feel like we're against each other and we're competing.

I feel angry towards him, I feel resentful and I don't really know why.

He helps around the house, he cooks dinner, he does the laundry, he gets up early on a weekend with DD so I can catch up on sleep, but I just feel like it's all done so he can throw it back at me, or that he's doing it to keep me quiet rather than he genuinely wants to help.

I feel like I'm struggling being at home with DD and he's at work all day and not feeling the same pressures of parenthood that I am.

I don't ever feel like I get time to myself, and my DH has complained that he doesn't either, but he's at work all day, he gets to have adult conversation, eat his lunch uninterrupted, go to the toilet when he wants.
I feel like that's much more time to himself than what I get!!

My stress levels feel higher than ever and I just feel like DH doesn't actually make much of a difference by being in my life.

He leaves for work at 7am and he arrives home at 5.30pm.

He will come home and he will cook us dinner, we will eat.

After dinner one of us will bath DD and get her ready for bed whilst the other is doing the dishes.

DD is going through a phase of not wanting to be with DH when she is tired and will not settle with him, only me.

8pm I take DD up to bed and that's me for the night.
I stay up with her 1. Because I don't feel comfortable putting her to bed without me.

1. Because it can take a while for her to fully drop off and she doesn't sleep for very long without waking up and needs to be settled so it makes sense for me to stay with her.

Some nights DH will come up with me and just lay next to me, others he will stay down.

I just feel so pissed at him because I don't feel like he does enough with DD.

It's so hard that she won't settle with him, even on a weekend for day time naps she barely settles with him, and it's always on me after lots of bouncing and hard work to get her to nap.

I feel really exhausted with it all, I miss having any time alone with my husband but all we seem to do now is argue / compare who's most tired or who's done the most around the house.

I feel like I always have to justify what I've done all day, admittedly he never asked or complains, but I just hate the thought of him thinking I'm lazy or unmotivated.

I do love DH, other than him cleaning the house, cooking and getting up early with DD on a weekend, I don't really know what else I get from him and how I benefit from him being in my life.

I don't want DD to have a split family but I just don't think I'm happy with him anymore.

@madcow88

I do love DH, other than him cleaning the house, cooking and getting up early with DD on a weekend, I don't really know what else I get from him and how I benefit from him being in my life.

Are you having a laugh?? This has got to be a joke!! What an entitled little Madame you're... he sounds like he is doing a very good job at looking after you both! He works full time and pulls his weight whilst he is at home and he would settle DD if you would give him bloody chance. She will get used to him settling her again. I suspect if anything you have fallen out of love with him and not because of anything he has done IMO.

Wow! I suspect you have PND and if so accept this before you push away a good man! Read your OP back and I suspect you will feel kinda silly about what you're saying.

What a horrible post. Read your post back and hopefully you will feel rightly awful about what you have written.

yes I think yabu. What you are experiencing is very normal.
It takes a while to adjust to a new baby. You can leave her! You don't need to feel bad. Please do it because the more you do it the less guilty you'll feel.
Your DH sounds like he's trying very much and you would miss his help if you'd have to do it on your own. Dont throw in the towel!

100% sounds like what I had, post natal depression. Before making any decisions I would seek some help and then see how you feel after

[quote VeniceQueen2004]@ScarMatty absolutely this. People who have had an easy baby just don't know what it's like. Drowsy but awake??? Hah. My daughter had two modes, extremely lightly asleep or awake and suspicious! I spent many a nap time under her giving myself RSI from holding my phone at a funny angle, just because it was the ONLY way I was going to get any down time in the day. The alternative was a baby who just would. Not. Nap, and got increasingly emotional as she got more and more exhausted as I tried futilely to "settle her in her cot". It felt like torture for her and me, the putting down almost asleep, getting out the door juuuuust as the screaming started, waiting a couple of minutes to see if she "self-soothed", standing by her cot shushing and patting while she screamed herself hoarse wanting picking up, giving in, picking her up, cuddling or feeding her aaaaalmost back to sleep, back in the cot, out the door and screeeeeeam....

People think mums like us enjoy martyring ourselves. I always wish I could give those people my baby as she was then for just a few hours, so they could see what she was like!! I had so many patronising people say to me as she screamed and fussed in my arms "just let ME try", then hand her back bewildered when their baby magic didn't work. And then the advice would always change to "it won't do her any harm to cry" - try holding that thought as your baby screams until she's hyperventilating, as your heart breaks and your boobs ache and leak.

Sometimes you just don't have the energy to fight your baby in order to tick the "sensible parenting" boxes other people lay out. And that's ok. And sometimes choosing the route of being responsive is bloody hard and we have a good moan. And that's ok too (or it should be).[/quote]
@VeniceQueen2004

THIS!!

Yes! My daughter sounds exactly the
same!!

@madcow88

I do love DH, other than him cleaning the house, cooking and getting up early with DD on a weekend, I don't really know what else I get from him and how I benefit from him being in my life.

Are you having a laugh?? This has got to be a joke!! What an entitled little Madame you're... he sounds like he is doing a very good job at looking after you both! He works full time and pulls his weight whilst he is at home and he would settle DD if you would give him bloody chance. She will get used to him settling her again. I suspect if anything you have fallen out of love with him and not because of anything he has done IMO.

Wow! I suspect you have PND and if so accept this before you push away a good man! Read your OP back and I suspect you will feel kinda silly about what you're saying.

@madcow88

Seriously I've read every single reply on this thread and I have really taken in what every one has said and taken something from each one!!

Yours is neither supportive, helpful or constructive.

It's just plain rude!

DP and I were together for 11 years before DS1's arrival. DS1 would never settle and was one of those babies who would not like in his cot unless he was already asleep. I have never argued as much with dp as during those first 6 months. We would have passive aggressive exchanges about how we hadn't had a minute to ourselves all day and if one of us mentioned feeling tired or low, the other would chip in with how they were feeling worse. We are not dreadful people but it was such a difficult time neither of us could help it.

I promise it gets better. Talk to each other and listen.

It sounds like he’s doing his fair share and not to be harsh but what did you expect when having a baby. Yes it’s tough at beginning and you crave some time alone but honestly the baby phase passes quickly. She’s only 6 months it’s not odd she mainly wants you. I exclusively breastfed all my children so my husband couldn’t put them to bed. You need to sort out her bedtime routine. If you can get her in bed for 7 then you have whole evening with your husband. I think you’re taking out your frustrations on the wrong person. Are you planning on going back to work? I know some people who did at 6 months as full time motherhood wasn’t for them

@everybodylovesgin parenthood is the most difficult job in the world, there`s no training or instruction manual, everybody learns from experience and advice from others.

My husband never changed a nappy unless he really had to! And as for sorting out bottles etc, he didn`t have a bloody clue!

My eldest wasn`t a nightmare but I do remember the sleepless nights! I put him in his own room at 6 weeks old, while awake, and I used to put the radio on for background noise, it seemed to help.

My middle one was a bit of a nightmare, totally breastfed until 6 months, wouldn`t sleep in her cot even I put something of mine in with her so she could still smell me, she would only sleep on my chest!

My youngest was a bit more tolerable, although he`d wake every 3 hours for a feed but only take about 2 ounces, and would only sleep in his car seat!

The first year is definitely the hardest, but I agree with others about getting out and about for a little while during the day, maybe the fresh air will help you both.

Maybe try bathing DD a little earlier, nice lavender bubbly bath and lavender fragranced baby lotion, lovely warm soft pj`s, bottle/breast, low lighting then settle her into her cot. Maybe lavender room spray in the air to help relax her.

Leave the room quietly, leave the door ajar if you wish, and then join hubby and have your evening meal. If you hear baby stirring, dont go to her straight away unless of course shes screaming the place down, she`ll learn to settle herself down and go back to sleep.

If your daughter has a nap during the day, sit down and put your feet up for a few minutes, have a cuppa.

Get a play pen that you can put her somewhere safe while you are doing something, she may even fall asleep in there for a while.

I would definitely make an appointment with your GP, it could be a case of PND or maybe you just need someone to talk too. Take all the advice your GP and health visitor give you.

Definitely invest in a slow cooker, you could pop your evening meal in there first thing in the morning, and then the rest of the day is yours.

Ask your parents or his parents if they wouldn`t mind watching the baby for an hour or two once a week, at your place, so the two of you can have some time together, go for a drive, cinema, a quick drink at your local.

I know lockdown hasn`t been easy for any of us, but I do think that your hubby is a good egg!

Hope you`re keeping well, and I hope some of the advice on here has been helpful.

To the people who are saying the OP is lucky that her husband does X, Y and Z while also working full-time - remember that SHE is also working full-time (literally full-time) caring for their child. I don’t think her husband cooking meals that he will eat too and cleaning the house that he also lives in means he deserves a medal and that she should just shut up and quit moaning! Yes, he sounds like a good husband and father, but I imagine that the OP needs a bit more than that right now.

I read this article recently. It’s a bit cheesy but it resonated with me. What do you think OP? trib.al/qqYXfyK?fbclid=IwAR245dI1zuNUk8-xlBWpLQ-VvSdgnvt_QQnpo4bYAu5iYFzgbnq4D1au06I

To the people who are saying the OP is lucky that her husband does X, Y and Z while also working full-time

Can you post who said she was lucky? Because people are saying he’s doing his share when allowed.

I remember once reading something about Mother's Day and how this woman said she didn't want a day in a spa etc. what she wanted was a day with her children, and husband, but where she was her husband for the day, ie not the default parent.

So no preparing food, what will the kids wear, thinking ahead of what to pack in a bag, being the one they automatically ask for help or comfort, always doing the life/school admin. Just enjoy her children, play with them just like her husband gets to without all the other dross.

I'm definitely the default parent, but I've been a sahm for the last 4.5 years and just gone back into work, quite part time so inevitably I'm still the default parent. DS is is 4.5 and still prefers me for 95% of stuff, dh is reserved for the fun, rough and tumble play. It's hard and it does get me down but also I know some of it I bring on myself as I like to have control and like things done in a certain way.

I'm getting more of myself back, but I'll never be the same person again.

No one tells you this when you are pregnant but unfortunately this is how it is for many people once they have kids.
My DH and I have been together for 16 years before we had our DD. We went through so much together before having her but it was still a complete shock to the system once we had her. Everything changed. We both prioritize our DD over everything and of course that has an impact on our relationship. Due to this we have decided to have one child only. It will get easier, as everyone says. You will have more time in the future for yourself and for your relationship but be frank and negotiate with your partner. Don’t let all childcare responsibilities (pick ups, drop offs) be on you. Take time for yourself and let him have some time for himself.
Watch the Letdown on Netflix- the best show covering just this. xx

@Bluntness100

To the people who are saying the OP is lucky that her husband does X, Y and Z while also working full-time

Can you post who said she was lucky? Because people are saying he’s doing his share when allowed.

Mischance and JinglingHellsBells said she was lucky and plenty of others implied it with tales of partners who did even less.

Hi,

My relationship with my DH became very strained after the birth of DS1 - even though he helped out loads I was very resentful! Think it was a mix of severe sleep deprivation and loss of freedom mainly due to breastfeeding. We also had no family support. Making local mum friends helped as I realised they all felt it too! Also, after DS1 turned 1, we started going out more together on dates and overnight and I realised that I had been cold towards him and probably not much fun to be around. We’ve just had DS2 and I’m making much more effort to engage with DH and catch myself when I feel irritated by him. It’s a real strain on your marriage but it will get better as time goes on 💐

BoomBoomsCousin - the OP is lucky - her OH helps and he is not a gambling boozer who does not care. Saying she is lucky does not at all imply that she is not in need of some help here - and if you read my posts you will see that I have tried to hep her with suggestions and support - which is what she needs at the moment.

This is a difficult time - as we have all acknowledged (and many of us remember only too well) - but the danger here is that her OH will become the focus of her frustration and unhappiness rather than the general situation of a new baby and all that this does to a relationship; and the need for this to be a joint project.

When you are beyond tired, it is very hard to be objective - hopefully some of the posts here will help with that.

Mischance don’t know why you’re addressing any of that at me. I just factually answered Bluntness’s question.

Try reading the context of the posts, not just using them as a springboard to rant at someone as though you’ve been misunderstood (you haven’t - but I and many others can disagree with your definition of “lucky”).

She’s not “lucky” it’s Way, way more normal for your partner to be a hands on decent person than it is for them to be a gambling boozer who doesn’t care, you write like it’s just a roll of rhe dice on what you get but men are like women and gambling losers who don’t care about their kids exist, but are few and far between.

However I agree with the rest of your post.

OP me and my DH were together for many years before we had DD. What you describe is exactly my experience. I’d suggest getting help NOW because I didn’t, struggled on and fell into PND. Do you know that health visitors used to do a “mum check” at 8 weeks and 8 months (before budget cuts meant dropping 8 month check) do you know why they did an 8 month check? Because of what you’ve described. It’s used to be a PND check at that time because tiredness/resentment builds until you can’t take anymore. Get a break. Get a weekend off. You need to sleep with no requirement to get up for a solid 48 hours. Can you go away? Go stay with a friend or family overnight without her. You don’t want to but I REALLY strongly urge you do. You need to protect your mental health as an utter priority. I also strongly urge you to find local daycare that will take baby a couple of mornings per week unless you’ve got a relative who will come sit with her and give you a regular break. You can then go solo shopping/swimming whatever it was that you did pre kids. What did you do pre child that defined YOU? Yoga? Swimming? Running? You need that back. Urgently. That will then restore balance in your relationship and give you and your husband something to talk about other than baby. The truth is he is working 10 hours a day. He then cooks dinner and does some housework. There’s not much more he can do to be honest. Can he reduce his working hours? Can he drop a day a week and stay at home or work from home one day a week? Stop imagining what he thinks or feeling you need to justify anything and work out what it is you need to feel like a person again and not just mum. Are you napping during the day when baby naps? Do that. You won’t feel you need to sleep at 8pm then. Try and get an hour with your husband. Find a half hour comedy show on Netflix you can watch together. Find something! All of these baby ages are a phase and it WILL change and improve and sometimes get worse but its imperative to talk and work together and do whatever you have to do to get through it. If that means paying for a gym membership so you’ve got somewhere to go to be you away from baby on a Saturday morning while he has baby on his own then DO IT

@troublingtimes

OP me and my DH were together for many years before we had DD. What you describe is exactly my experience. I’d suggest getting help NOW because I didn’t, struggled on and fell into PND. Do you know that health visitors used to do a “mum check” at 8 weeks and 8 months (before budget cuts meant dropping 8 month check) do you know why they did an 8 month check? Because of what you’ve described. It’s used to be a PND check at that time because tiredness/resentment builds until you can’t take anymore. Get a break. Get a weekend off. You need to sleep with no requirement to get up for a solid 48 hours. Can you go away? Go stay with a friend or family overnight without her. You don’t want to but I REALLY strongly urge you do. You need to protect your mental health as an utter priority. I also strongly urge you to find local daycare that will take baby a couple of mornings per week unless you’ve got a relative who will come sit with her and give you a regular break. You can then go solo shopping/swimming whatever it was that you did pre kids. What did you do pre child that defined YOU? Yoga? Swimming? Running? You need that back. Urgently. That will then restore balance in your relationship and give you and your husband something to talk about other than baby. The truth is he is working 10 hours a day. He then cooks dinner and does some housework. There’s not much more he can do to be honest. Can he reduce his working hours? Can he drop a day a week and stay at home or work from home one day a week? Stop imagining what he thinks or feeling you need to justify anything and work out what it is you need to feel like a person again and not just mum. Are you napping during the day when baby naps? Do that. You won’t feel you need to sleep at 8pm then. Try and get an hour with your husband. Find a half hour comedy show on Netflix you can watch together. Find something! All of these baby ages are a phase and it WILL change and improve and sometimes get worse but its imperative to talk and work together and do whatever you have to do to get through it. If that means paying for a gym membership so you’ve got somewhere to go to be you away from baby on a Saturday morning while he has baby on his own then DO IT

OP, if you only read one post on here, this is the one you need.

I do think though part of the problem is though that it isnt easy at the moment to do what @troublingtimes suggests.

That post is completely spot on as to what would help - but the current situation means that all those things are impossible and I think that is playing a huge part in all of this.

Everything pre kids given the OP gave birth in March just isnt there at the moment and all of the support bits most of us used during the first year havent been there either.

OP I feel for you - you are experiencing something normal in a completely abnormal situation where the vast majority of things that should be open for you arent and that makes it difficult.

It will pass though and you do need to find a way of getting some time to yourself

@dayknight19 your experience sounds very similar to that of my husband and me. 8 years together before our son came along and the experience of this first year has sealed it for me: don’t want any more. Going back to work and properly stretching my mind again has been a game-changer.

I feel for you OP . Sending you love. xx. I found La Leche League mums very helpful when I was sleep deprived and not comfortable to do bedtimes except the way do,( for many good reasons ) . x

How do you feel in yourself ? It's a tough time in any relationship especially with sleeplessness and being tired might make you feel resentful and miss the things you used to take for granted.

Agree with other PPs re sleep training. Get a night time routine, every night give her a bath, put her to bed with a bottle/boob. Kiss good night. And leave the room. Don't give in to cries. Otherwise you'll be having to go to bed with her for YEARS. Get a good routine for the evening sorted now. The sooner the better! And then you can relax in the evenings and look forward to a bit of free time.

I've read all your posts, including the one where your HV doesn't think you have PND, so that's good to know.

I've also seen that your DH, while helping with other jobs, is basically throwing all the babycare into your hands and making you the default parent.

This now makes much more sense as to why you would feel guilty about leaving her for any length of time, because your DH hasn't shown that he is capable of tending to her needs when you're not there - so you are concerned that you are effectively "abandoning" your baby to be without her main source of care and comfort.

You've also expressed that your resentment is coming from the fact that you are ALWAYS the one "on call" to tend to your baby, and that, while this is what you want to do, it grates that it also has to be you because there is no effective alternative, because your DH is allowing it to be you.
So he can escape, do other stuff, leave the baby in your hands because he knows you will always pick up the care duty.
You have no one else to share the care duty with.

Now whether that's because you aren't "allowing" him to help, or he's just decided that you're the best one to do it and he'd rather not, thanks, because it's obviously YOU that she wants, is debatable.

But if you think, somewhere, that your DH is helping to create this situation, then yes, resentment is always likely to occur. He gets a choice - you don't.

Controversial and you'll probably hotly refute it - but you might even resent your baby a little, for being so needy of YOU and not encouraging your DH to take on some of the care by being compliant for him. This is also normal, by the way and doesn't in any way suggest that you have less love for your baby!

I think it would be a good idea for you to try to get away for a little while. Start with half an hour, then an hour - build up. Leave her with your DH and make it plain that he is NOT to call you except in a dire emergency (and baby not stopping crying does not count!). He needs to build his confidence that he can parent her without you there, and he needs you to remove the "safety net" by NOT being there. You also need to do this, so that you can become confident that he can do it.

I don't agree with sleep training that involves leaving your baby to cry either, but it certainly helps to have a routine in place that allows you some free time in the evening. However, some babies have their own rhythms and haven't read the childcare manuals themselves - I know mine were hopeless at going to sleep when the books said they should - they wouldn't go down until around 8:30pm, and any attempt to put them to bed earlier than that would have them waking up half an hour later, with the edge taken off their tiredness, and then they were up til gone 11pm! So I worked with their natural proclivities and would put them to bed at 8:30pm, which got them to sleep through far better.