To think I should leave DH??

[everybodylovesgin]

DH & I have been together for 14 years.

We had our first baby this year born in March.

DD is now 6 months old.

My relationship with DH seems to be declining fast and I just don't know if we can ever get things back on track.

All we ever seen to do now is argue.
We don't seem to be a team, on the same side or supportive of each other.
Instead I feel like we're against each other and we're competing.

I feel angry towards him, I feel resentful and I don't really know why.

He helps around the house, he cooks dinner, he does the laundry, he gets up early on a weekend with DD so I can catch up on sleep, but I just feel like it's all done so he can throw it back at me, or that he's doing it to keep me quiet rather than he genuinely wants to help.

I feel like I'm struggling being at home with DD and he's at work all day and not feeling the same pressures of parenthood that I am.

I don't ever feel like I get time to myself, and my DH has complained that he doesn't either, but he's at work all day, he gets to have adult conversation, eat his lunch uninterrupted, go to the toilet when he wants.
I feel like that's much more time to himself than what I get!!

My stress levels feel higher than ever and I just feel like DH doesn't actually make much of a difference by being in my life.

He leaves for work at 7am and he arrives home at 5.30pm.

He will come home and he will cook us dinner, we will eat.

After dinner one of us will bath DD and get her ready for bed whilst the other is doing the dishes.

DD is going through a phase of not wanting to be with DH when she is tired and will not settle with him, only me.

8pm I take DD up to bed and that's me for the night.
I stay up with her 1. Because I don't feel comfortable putting her to bed without me.

1. Because it can take a while for her to fully drop off and she doesn't sleep for very long without waking up and needs to be settled so it makes sense for me to stay with her.

Some nights DH will come up with me and just lay next to me, others he will stay down.

I just feel so pissed at him because I don't feel like he does enough with DD.

It's so hard that she won't settle with him, even on a weekend for day time naps she barely settles with him, and it's always on me after lots of bouncing and hard work to get her to nap.

I feel really exhausted with it all, I miss having any time alone with my husband but all we seem to do now is argue / compare who's most tired or who's done the most around the house.

I feel like I always have to justify what I've done all day, admittedly he never asked or complains, but I just hate the thought of him thinking I'm lazy or unmotivated.

I do love DH, other than him cleaning the house, cooking and getting up early with DD on a weekend, I don't really know what else I get from him and how I benefit from him being in my life.

I don't want DD to have a split family but I just don't think I'm happy with him anymore.

then I feel so so mad at myself and start to think it's not normal for a new mum to want to go out without her baby

The way we looked at this, we were both parents. If dh could leave the house without a baby, then so could I. If I left the baby with their dad, then it wasn't more of an abandonment than if he left them with me.

@everybodylovesgin - he works you don't. You do the baby 100% of the time, he doesn't. There's no way around this - you do not have an identical set up. You both work hard but at very different things. The only way to balance this out is for you to go back to work or for DH to go p/t.

The assumption that if men want a baby this mean in the context of a job plus baby whereas women are happy to do it 100% of the time - is pretty sexist and as you now see yourself not always true. Lots of women think of children as life, job plus kids same as men do. But society expects them not to

It sounds like you need to get into a routine of putting your dd to bed without going up and laying with her. This is usually the time most parents get to sit together and have some adult time in the evening. It sounds like a massive change for you both and completely normal.

Wish I could give you a big unmumsnetty hug OP.i can hear myself (7 years ago) in your posts and honestly it is so fucking hard. You sound like great parents and you sound like a very thoughtful mum who wants to do her best.

[quote everybodylovesgin]@Greeneyedminx

This is your choice to go to bed at 8 with your baby, not his.

Maybe you didn't read what I'd put in my post, DD will not settle for DH.
She will only settle for me at bedtime.
*
*Try sleep training your child

I won't be trying any sleep training, but thanks for the suggestion!

you need to give your head a massive wobble and actually grow up, stop blaming your husband for how you choose to look after your baby.
Good luck, you’ll need it

our shes our baby!!!!! She has two parents! [/quote]
And how many hours a day is your husband not there because he's working?

How much proper 'me' time do you each get?

And you can leave her for 2 hours. The first time is horrible but it will all be fine.

@everybodylovesgin

It's not like I haven't had the opportunity to meet a friend, I have! It's just the guilt and I can't bring myself to go without DD.

Get yourself to your GP.

Your baby isn't a newborn. Its perfectly reasonable to leave her with her father

Is she breast- or bottle-fed?

[quote everybodylovesgin]@Greeneyedminx

This is your choice to go to bed at 8 with your baby, not his.

Maybe you didn't read what I'd put in my post, DD will not settle for DH.
She will only settle for me at bedtime.
*
*Try sleep training your child

I won't be trying any sleep training, but thanks for the suggestion!

you need to give your head a massive wobble and actually grow up, stop blaming your husband for how you choose to look after your baby.
Good luck, you’ll need it

our shes our baby!!!!! She has two parents! [/quote]
Do you think babies just know when and how to go to sleep ? Unless you want a baby that never falls asleep without you then I suggest you need to smarten up a bit .

DD never took a bottle and I never got round to expressing and she was a velcro baby as well but she was fine for an hour or so at 6 months and I went back to work 2 days a week when she was a year

I've felt recently like I'd like to meet a friend for coffee without DD, but then I feel so so mad at myself and start to think it's not normal for a new mum to want to go out without her baby.
I guess because DH gets to do that every day probably without the guilt, that's where the resentment starts.

He trusts you so he is fine to leave without the guilt. He knows she is safe. You need to learn to trust him and he needs to figure out his way of looking after her

@everybodylovesgin

I think what I'm really struggling with is, in 6 months I've never even left the house without DD.

If I meet friends, she comes with me.

She's breastfed and I have trouble expressing (believe me I have tried and tried) so I can't leave depressed milk for DH to give to her.

I've felt recently like I'd like to meet a friend for coffee without DD, but then I feel so so mad at myself and start to think it's not normal for a new mum to want to go out without her baby.
I guess because DH gets to do that every day probably without the guilt, that's where the resentment starts.

If your'e feeding her to sleep, then of course DH is going to struggle to settle her. So again, I think you need practical solutions here:

You're going crazy so personally, I'd consider introducing formula on a limited basis. That gives him options for settling her/feeding her etc.

BF does not mean you can't leave the house without the baby. No wonder you're going crazy. She's big enough that she doesn't need feeding every 10 minutes. So get yourself ready so that as soon as you have fed her, you can walk out the door. It might only be for a couple of hours, but believe me, being out of the house, without the baby, will be a revelation. if you are like me, go somewhere alone. If you are more social, ask a friend who is willing to be flexible to meet you somewhere. You can get at least 2-4 hours alone and DH can always call you if there's a problem. And this will also help your Dh to feel more confident dealing with her alone.

My mum used to take the baby for walks around the block when he was tiny. I was so desperate to be in the house alone but couldn't be far from him. She'd just trundle round and round and she'd come in when he started fussing and needing food.

I know from family anecdotes that my dad took me out or was left in charge when I was a baby in the early 60s. What I feel about that is not a sense of abandonment but a strong sense of privilege in having that close relationship with both my parents- a relationship that has lasted a lifetime and is getting even more precious now that I can see my dad may not be around for that much longer.

Again, looking at dh around his now grown-up children, seeing how easy they are with each other, how much they trust him, all the closeness and shared memories- I don't think I did anything wrong in letting him step up and be the parent in charge on a regular basis. I didn't deprive them of me, I gave them him!

Don't feel guilty, OP: an involved, hands-on dad is a gift!

@everybodylovesgin

It's not like I haven't had the opportunity to meet a friend, I have! It's just the guilt and I can't bring myself to go without DD.

i missed this when I was posting.

I think you do need to see someone. You're resentful but also actively choosing not to let yourself have a break. Your DH says nothing about the house being messy/qhat you've been doing but you feel guilty that things aren't perfect. Your MH is clearly not 100% so you should be seeking help. If you can afford it, I'd consider private therapy.

and you dont need to sleep train - never have with my two and they sleep better than their friends because they learnt how to figure out when they needed to sleep themselves.

DH also figured out how to settle babies without feeding them as well (the ergo helped immensely here)

Sorry, x posts
Is she starting solids? You can definitely leave her a little while now. Water to drink and finger foods.
He'll cope

@VivaMiltonKeynes

Do you think babies just know when and how to go to sleep ? Unless you want a baby that never falls asleep without you then I suggest you need to smarten up a bit

No. I don't think they know that!!

But I do think my baby wants to be comforted by her mummy to help her sleep.!!
Once DD has fallen asleep on me she will go into her next to me crib!
The issue here isn't anything to do with the fact that I have to settle her to sleep.

I wish I hadn't mentioned the sleep now as it seems MN like to jump onto issues with sleep and instantly conclude that people are in desperate need of sleep training.

@Nanny0gg

Sorry, x posts Is she starting solids? You can definitely leave her a little while now. Water to drink and finger foods. He'll cope

@Nanny0gg

Yes we've started solids.

I know she will be absolutely fine.
It's more the guilt. I feel like I shouldn't be going out to meet a friend when I've got a baby to look after.

I know that's my own personal thought and no one else's, but the guilt eats away at me!

Its totally normal to enjoy leaving the house without the baby - as your DH....am sure he loves it.

I loved it! In fact, lots of times I couldnt wait to get out and see my friends. And my friends were the same.

Rather than PND - do you have some mum friends that you can talk to?? When I had my DC a couple of really good friends also had their babies around the same time and it was great to just share how we were feeling. What you are saying is totally normal and honestly what lots of people are feeling - but you seem to keep it all to yourself rather than share it with a friend and then laugh about it.

On the leaving the house thing: baby steps. Leave the baby with your husband for like fifteen minutes, half an hour and pop to the shop or walk round the block or whatever. It'll feel really weird but also oddly freeing, as though you're floating, feather-like, down the street. Do that a few times, and once you've got used to that feeling, set up that coffee and go for it.

OP, I haven't seen if you've responded to my posts about a close relationship with their dad as a gift to the baby. But I really do believe this is enormously precious, it seems like you have a good man there, and this is something you could really do for the two of you.

I never did sleep training, I was also keen on breastfeeding, but there were ways around, particularly with a baby as old as 6 months.

And once they had got used to their dad as a "person who provides comfort" that meant he could do other bits too, like putting them to sleep. By refusing ever to walk away from your baby's side, you are planting the idea that "only mummy can help when I'm sad". That doesn't have to be the case. The reason your baby knows mummy can help when they're feeling sad is because mummy was given the chance to work this out. Given that chance to daddy, too.

It's more the guilt. I feel like I shouldn't be going out to meet a friend when I've got a baby to look after.

Exactly this is the crux of it all. And the bit you need to overcome with support and help

Where you trying for awhile OP?

Since we're talking about guilt, let's also talk about the opposite. I am sure I got many things wrong when bringing up my two, in fact I know I did. Some I remember, some I don't, some I probably never realised were wrong. But one thing I do remember as This One We Didn't Get Wrong is the close relationship those two young people have with their dad.

You've spent 14 yrs as a couple so having a baby is a huge change. Sounds like your DH is doing his fair share. He is at work all day, not galivanting around.
How about you go out for an hour or so once a week and/or week-end and leave him to it. Take turns settling the baby to sleep. If it takes him longer, so what, It's only 6mths in so plenty of time to get her used to it. This is your new normal. You need to have a heart to heart with your DH and tell him how you are feeling but don't go at it in an accusatory way. Maybe you have the baby blues so worth a visit to the doctor.

OP, to an extent you are being a martyr here. People suggest sleep training and yet you don’t want to do that. Yet you resent your DH for the fact that you stay upstairs with your DD every night and he goes downstairs. You’re choosing not to go down and spend time with him, yet you expect him to come upstairs and be with you.

And your DD won’t settle for your DH because you’re allowing that to happen. I know it’s hard. I had a baby who wouldn’t go to anyone else but me. eXH would come home and bath him and I would go out of the room and he would be crying for me. From when he was a small baby probably until he was about two. and the urge to go back and just say “it’s ok, mummy’s back,” is very strong, but that doesn’t help anyone. It doesn’t help the other parent who is also trying to establish a relationship where they are already in a different place because they have to go out and the baby doesn’t see them for half of the day. It doesn’t help the baby, who needs to be able to develop relationships with more people than just its mum, especially its dad. And it doesn’t help the mum who needs to be able to step away from her baby sometimes for a multitude of reasons, for her own sanity/to be able to go to the hair dressers/the GP/even if she was admitted to hospital.

If you find it hard listening to your baby cry when her dad puts her to bed, then tbh I would go out for a walk so you don’t have to be witness to it. That way the baby will learn that she can settle for someone else and you will get a break, and your DH won’t be left feeling as if you consider him to be an inadequate parent.

And sleep training is important. By staying with your baby every night you really are setting yourself up for years and years of difficult nights. It’s actually healthy for babies to learn to self settle. Otherwise they will never be able to as they get older. It’s not something which magically happens unless there is some encouragement. So by staying with her every night you’re really not doing your baby any favours either.

And single parenthood isn’t going to be an escape from all that. If anything it’s going to multiply what you’re already doing, because you’ll be cooking the dinner/doing the housework/doing the laundry and you’ll be with the baby 24/7 with no other adult in your life. And then your DH will get access and he will be taking the baby some of the time, and before too long it will be over night, and you’ll go from someone who had her baby all the time who now only has her part time and has no control over that.

Think about what you’re really wanting to give up here.

Later on, tough things happened. I became seriously ill. One of our children had repeated hospital admissions and often needed one parent to stay.

What kept the show on the road, and both children from getting totally traumatised, was the knowledge that the other parent would care for them efficiently, confidently and without resentment and that either would be able to reassure them.

You're looking at insurance here, OP, as much as anything else.

I've felt recently like I'd like to meet a friend for coffee without DD, but then I feel so so mad at myself and start to think it's not normal for a new mum to want to go out without her baby
So can't you accept that the issue is with you, not him? Or do you want him to feel guilty too for a happy marriage?

You need to get out of the mode of feeling sorry for yourself and resenting others who have what you don't. He doesn't get to spend all his time with his adored baby. He has to face a baby who acts like she couldn't care less if he didn't exist. Should he resent you for this and expect you to give her less attention?

What you experience is totally normal and oy the start of many resentment that comes with being a parent. What makes it all worth it is the focus on what we've gained, not what we've lost and in the end, we just about all agree that it is worth it.

Go and e joy your coffee time without guilt. You'll enjoy yourself but then realise how much you just want to be back to your baby.