To think I should leave DH??

[everybodylovesgin]

DH & I have been together for 14 years.

We had our first baby this year born in March.

DD is now 6 months old.

My relationship with DH seems to be declining fast and I just don't know if we can ever get things back on track.

All we ever seen to do now is argue.
We don't seem to be a team, on the same side or supportive of each other.
Instead I feel like we're against each other and we're competing.

I feel angry towards him, I feel resentful and I don't really know why.

He helps around the house, he cooks dinner, he does the laundry, he gets up early on a weekend with DD so I can catch up on sleep, but I just feel like it's all done so he can throw it back at me, or that he's doing it to keep me quiet rather than he genuinely wants to help.

I feel like I'm struggling being at home with DD and he's at work all day and not feeling the same pressures of parenthood that I am.

I don't ever feel like I get time to myself, and my DH has complained that he doesn't either, but he's at work all day, he gets to have adult conversation, eat his lunch uninterrupted, go to the toilet when he wants.
I feel like that's much more time to himself than what I get!!

My stress levels feel higher than ever and I just feel like DH doesn't actually make much of a difference by being in my life.

He leaves for work at 7am and he arrives home at 5.30pm.

He will come home and he will cook us dinner, we will eat.

After dinner one of us will bath DD and get her ready for bed whilst the other is doing the dishes.

DD is going through a phase of not wanting to be with DH when she is tired and will not settle with him, only me.

8pm I take DD up to bed and that's me for the night.
I stay up with her 1. Because I don't feel comfortable putting her to bed without me.

1. Because it can take a while for her to fully drop off and she doesn't sleep for very long without waking up and needs to be settled so it makes sense for me to stay with her.

Some nights DH will come up with me and just lay next to me, others he will stay down.

I just feel so pissed at him because I don't feel like he does enough with DD.

It's so hard that she won't settle with him, even on a weekend for day time naps she barely settles with him, and it's always on me after lots of bouncing and hard work to get her to nap.

I feel really exhausted with it all, I miss having any time alone with my husband but all we seem to do now is argue / compare who's most tired or who's done the most around the house.

I feel like I always have to justify what I've done all day, admittedly he never asked or complains, but I just hate the thought of him thinking I'm lazy or unmotivated.

I do love DH, other than him cleaning the house, cooking and getting up early with DD on a weekend, I don't really know what else I get from him and how I benefit from him being in my life.

I don't want DD to have a split family but I just don't think I'm happy with him anymore.

It always surprises me when people are shocked at the impact having children has on their lives and relationships. This is normal, I think you perhaps had an unrealistic expectation to begin with as do many!

I found that inexplicable rage and frustration were solid symptoms of my PND/Anxiety. Also you sound a little paranoid about the reasons your parter is doing housework which I also had.

Babies are really hard and you do need to have a conversation with your partner - pointless and circular arguments like the 'whos more tired' or 'who does more' are really damaging and feed into resentment which feeds similar arguments.

We took these discussions off the table, we didnt discuss it other than to say something like
"Im fucking knackered" "yeah me too, this is hard isnt it?" or something similar.

The first year is like a bomb going off in your life. In your relationship. I thought about just leaving both of them and getting on a train somewhere several times a month. I would try and speak to your dr or health visitor about the feelings you are having.

Both your lives have been changed entirely and tbh PND is actually quite a natural reaction to this. Especially with limited support outside of the immediate family at the moment.

Relationships are ALWAYS hard the first year or two after having your first child. Sleep deprivation, hormones, anxiety, change in lifestyle.

I think you'd look back and regret throwing in the towel later. Relationships aren't easy, they need working on. Dig in deep and get through this year. If things are still bad then couples counselling.

Your daughter deserves you to at least fight for the relationship a bit

Im in the same boat. Nine years in. Two kids. Does all the things you've said. But conversation is boring. We have completely different ideas going on now. We are not on the same page. He's always droning on about negative things. I want to be productive in our own bubble.

Being home with kids is so tough. Especially as we have been locked down and activities and days out have been virtually non existent. I do think there's a huge element of that in things. Life has been tough this year and we've all abit smoothered I think. Not having anytime to do my housework in peace has really drove me crazy. I need to split myself three ways and it's so hard. I don't know the answer. But I've spoken to my partner today and told him I feel we are just friends now. We need to find something together that we can invest in. Im just not sure what.

We've both become sluggish. I need a massive laugh with someone. I need to talk about new things. I want to want to kiss someone. Instead of scowl at the back of their head.

It's horrible. Just wanted to say you are not alone my lovely. I am often awake at 2am listening to music and thinking. Because that's the only time I can be alone.

Another one saying this is very normal. DP and I were together 10yrs before baby came. Never argued. Argued constantly once baby came and I really questioned the relationship. Sleep deprivation was a massive part of it, and we had a terrible sleeper so this lasted a while. We had another wobble when I went back to work after a year. The massive changes that that brought rocked us again, and DC was still not sleeping through the night so we were still incredibly ratty with each other. It also made me realise how hard holding down a job and being sleep deprived was. I was barely awake and easily confused a lot of the time, and I realised DP had been doing this for over a year already. So him being able to ‘just carry on as normal’ wasn’t quite the truth. We came out the other side, mostly due to DC finally sleeping properly and things generally getting easier as they get older. Hang on in there, don’t make any rash decisions if this was a good relationship before baby came. It’s a huge adjustment.

I don’t think I’ve ever said this on mumsnet before but I don’t think your husband is doing anything wrong. He sounds like he is pulling his weight- you are in for a shock if you choose single parenting over what you’ve got now

This.
Maybe you could try saying to each other, ' I appreciate...' rather than ' I resent...' I dunno. Sounds like you are both trying but not appreciating how much each other are trying.

And this, this is just lovely! Some nights DH will come up with me and just lay next to me

I had a similar experience and unfortunately it’s ruined my marriage. I felt like DH wanted a baby but after he was born he was just dumped on me, while DH swanned off and carried on with his life. DH sleeps at night, he goes to work and has adult conversations, he gets to be engaged in something interesting and make strides forward in his career. He has some personal fulfilment and is progressing in life, while I’m bored sick and standing still because someone has to do the childcare. All our money goes in the same bank account but technically he earns most of it, so I have none and it feels awful. I feel trapped because I couldn’t leave if I wanted to, because I have no money.

Then he comes home from work and whinges because the house isn’t tidy enough or the dinner isn’t made. I’m tired and unhappy and I have a small child to look after, I keep up with the basics but it’s not good enough. It makes me angry because I don’t want to be a servant to him and our son - I want to work and go out and enjoy my life. And the second our son is asleep he asks me for sex. I feel like I’ve exhausted myself meeting my child’s needs and I finally breathe a sigh of relief because he’s asleep, but then I’m immediately pressured to meet my husband’s needs - when do I get to meet my own needs?! To top it all off, he’s still slim and fit while my body has been ruined to the extent that I can’t even look at myself in the mirror.

I think the basic problem is that I never wanted to dedicate my life to being a mum. I was happy to have a baby and share the burden, but I wasn’t prepared to shoulder the majority of it and give up my career and free time. And it’s a much bigger burden than I anticipated. I literally can’t even watch the telly in the evening, never mind anything else that I might want to do. It doesn’t help that my child is super clingy and prefers me to DH. Or that DH has no patience so even when I do get a rest I sometimes have to go and take the child off DH because he’s shouting at him. Or I end up taking him because DH is clearly resentful and instead of taking the child with love (here darling I’ll look after him, you need a rest) he takes the child with anger (come on your mother doesn’t want you around, she’s got better things to do).

Truthfully I just straight up hate my DH. I’m angry and resentful. If I could leave him I would. And previously we were happy, so this has all been caused by the inequality created by having a baby. So you experience is not that unusual OP. But I don’t think there’s a fix - babies just ruin relationships.

I had a similar experience and unfortunately it’s ruined my marriage. I felt like DH wanted a baby but after he was born he was just dumped on me, while DH swanned off and carried on with his life. DH sleeps at night, he goes to work and has adult conversations, he gets to be engaged in something interesting and make strides forward in his career. He has some personal fulfilment and is progressing in life, while I’m bored sick and standing still because someone has to do the childcare

This is why I’ll never, ever have children. My husband is wonderful, couldn’t ask for better but I couldn’t risk it. Women still make the most sacrifices for children even know.

No thank you!

I didn’t want to leave you with the previous comment OP. Contrast this experience with yours and see that this is part of the adjustment. It sounds like you are both tired and both doing everything you can. Please read the considered replies and reflect on reality rather than hormone, sleep deprived perception.

It’s bloody hard but you can get through this.

I remember going through a similar ish thing with my partner about the evenings. We missed having down time together as like your routine we used to put the baby down after dinner and then I would stay till our baby was asleep which was like 9.30.

I can't remember how we did this but we changed the routine to have our baby go down at 7 and then we are and spent time together. I think as the nights got darker (spring baby) it naturally happened.

My son (2) now often demands me for bath/bed but if he starts to complain I give him a kiss and leave the room and seconds later he is laughing with daddy. In the nicest way - you will have to let your partner try to settle your baby even when they are being difficult.

Lastly - at the weekend - go and do something for you. Get a bike, go swimming (if you can), meet friends for lunch. It's allowed and husband will cope.

I do feel for new mums currently with Covid and the restrictions - at 6 months I joined a gym with creche and loved my 3 hours a week of me time

@Ranunculi Your situation sounds truly awful

You want to go back to work, so how can you make that happen?

You need to distance yourself from your husband and start to build a new life for yourself, even if you stay with him (for now). Its the only way you can survive living like that.

Your husband is an utter entitled misogynistic arse.

I had this after both my DC were born, and again during lockdown when DH was WFH every day and I was furloughed and therefore had to look after DS aged 3.5 and DD aged 1 on my own without being able to leave the house (before anyone jumps on me - yes we were bloody lucky I was furloughed and not working too but boy did I resent DH getting to hide all day in our bedroom while I battled the kids! It seems endless). Like PP I actually think its very normal.

It sounds like your DH is doing what he can so try to see the good points, also he's not going to get any better at settling your DD if he doesn't get the opportunity to practice, so let him try more often.
I wouldn't leave him, but I would try and have an open and honest conversation with him about how you're feeling, not an argument, but just let him know how you feel and then try and put some positive steps in place to move forward.

Good luck!

Thanks so much for these replies.

It helps to know other people say what we're experiencing is normal.

I don't really know what I else expect of DH, I guess I just feel that resentment as I can't help but my life has changed whilst his hasn't.

I hadn't really considered PND, I feel more stressed than I do depressed, but perhaps it's worth making a call to the GP.

it does sound pretty normal with such a young baby. The only way to make it different is if you both worked and took care of your baby. we did that but it basically meant that we were both knackered and DC went to nursery at 5months. The two months that I had to look after DC on my own was exactly as you described it and frankly I hated it. Hence we switched it etc....

But within most people's usual set up it's exactly as you describe it -the mum takes care of the baby and the husband goes out to work.....some people love it - I lasted eight weeks and am never doing it again (even if we have a second I would already have my first so the isolation wont be the same)

The first bit, for many families, and especially mums, is just something you have to get through. Its relentless and exhausting. From your OP it sounds like he does quite a bit. Not sure what else he could do. Do you plan to back to work? That might help.
What do your weekends look like? We used to go out for coffee/lunch and walks with babe in arms or buggy.
I wouldnt make any big decisions right now.

Do you have a sling? If you have dd slung on you then you can do a lot of things more easily; if whichever one of you is being Primary Carer in a period (this morning, tomorrow afternoon, etc) has her in the sling then she will very soon just associate being in the sling with safety and comfort, and will worry less about which one of her parents (or grandparents etc) actually has the sling on.

Hi OP!

I'm a single parent of a 5 month old. I chose this path so I'm cool with it, but my immediate thought is that, if you were to leave your husband, you'd be stepping into a situation that's even more relentless than the one you're already in.

Nobody cooks me dinner. Nobody else baths the baby or puts him to bed (or, hell, even does the washing up). Nobody takes him so I can have a lie in. It's just me, all the time - and, with coronavirus I imagine you're having the same weird experience I am, of barely seeing anyone outside the home. I can go days at a time without speaking to another adult. I don't think, from your post, that you actually want that. I get that it feels like you're on your own right now, but in this case I don't see how leaving your husband will make that any better and to be honest I think you'd feel worse.

For now, I would prioritise anything that gets you back to a sense of self. Are you meeting up with local mums at all? Even if groups aren't running, see if you can make some local connections just to go for a walk with another mum and baby. Can you meet a friend for a coffee or sit in their garden for a while? Do you want to consider going back to work earlier than planned? Can you throw any money at parts of the problem (hire a cleaner, get a takeaway?) that are feeling so contentious?

I don’t think I’ve ever said this on mumsnet before but I don’t think your husband is doing anything wrong. He sounds like he is pulling his weight- you are in for a shock if you choose single parenting over what you’ve got now

This. Also this:

Maybe you could try saying to each other, ' I appreciate...' rather than ' I resent...' I dunno. Sounds like you are both trying but not appreciating how much each other are trying.

Looking at what your husband does, from what you say it seems as if he is pulling his weight quite fairly when he is at home- would you say that's a reasonable description?

Is there anything else that you feel he could do that would make a positive difference to you? Could you ask him as a positive suggestion e.g. to take the baby a little more often, perhaps take it out for a walk at the weekend so you can get alone time?

Also, what you say about your feelings that he is only doing the work to keep you quiet- how would you feel if that was all he saw from all the work you do for the baby? "Oh, that doesn't count, my wife is only doing it to keep me quiet, it makes me so resentful".

This is almost certainly your hormones/possible PND speaking, but it can do long-lasting damage. If your husband starts feeling that the housework he does and his involvement with the baby is just another thing that makes you resent him, then he might well pull back so as not to annoy you.

Try to find ways of acknowledging that this is a tough time for both of you, but you're going to hang in there and help each other get through.

"Women still make the most sacrifices for children even know."

Yep. I didn't understand really what feminism meant until I had a kid. You realise what a huge stitch up patriarchy is.

Your husband actually seems like one of the very best of a bad bunch, in all fairness, so credit where its due.

But overall its a giant swizz. I know PND is a serious clinical issue and don't want to minimise this but I can't help suspecting quite a lot of it is actually accounted for by the giant wake-up call women have to how much they've been stiched up.

Cross-post. I would definitely speak to that doctor, GP. PND is horrible. And it can easily manifest as stress and resentment.

Also the advice to try to get in contact with other mums. My HV found me sobbing in the armchair one morning and "referred" me straight to a mothers' group: I made friends whose children became the best friends of my dd and were still close when they went to school.

I think you need to re-read what you have written down here out loud to yourself. What else can your DH do to help you apart from not working ?
This is your choice to go to bed at 8 with your baby, not his.
Try sleep training your child or taking it in turns to put the baby to bed.
Your husband does seem to be trying to play his part by cooking the meals, doing the laundry, helping with the baby where he can etc.
You need to see a GP to see if you do indeed have PNP, otherwise you need to give your head a massive wobble and actually grow up, stop blaming your husband for how you choose to look after your baby.
Good luck, you’ll need it !

I feel like that's much more time to himself than what I get!!
Lacking time for oneself is not the only thing that is stressful once you become a parent. Your OH seems to do quite a lot and in addition to a job is probably as stress or more likely more than you.

Your issue is not with him but with you adjusting to being a parent, ie. Losing your freedom. It comes as a much bigger shock to some parent than others. It certainly did for me, but you do get used to it, secretly waiting for the time you get it again, which when it comes is welcome but then you also mourn the wonders of parenting a baby!

Ultimately, being a sahm might not be for you and it's time to contemplate going back to work. My experience is that it's more exhausting mentally but more rewarding psychotically. That's for some of course, not all, but might very well be for you.

You need to work on stopping resenting your oh though. Believe it, being on your own will not mean more freedom or an easier life, far from it.

I think lack of sleep and the general upheaval of your previous life are clouding your judgement.

Your husband sounds like he is doing a lot. Is it more emotional support you are after? This is much harder to get right in my opinion. His lying next to you when you go up to bed early sounds like his attempt at this to me.

I think what helped for me was that my baby being a lockdown baby, my husband was physically there in the day so could actually see how hard/relentless it was to look after a baby. And whilst before he liked the idea of being a stay at home dad (although being the breadwinner was not feasible) now I think he has realised how nice it is to go out and work. I also recognise that work is hard too. If I am having a bad day I can nap when the baby naps and have CBeebies on etc whereas he has to resolve conflict, meet targets, work with unpleasant people and so on. Whilst also earning the wage that currently
supports our family.

The sleep thing sounds tough. Why can't baby go up on their own early evening? If it's SIDS you are worried about perhaps get a baby monitor like the Nanit. You can buy a band that goes round the baby's tummy and measures their breathing. Obviously doesn't reduce risk but can add a bit of reassurance?

Sympathies OP, I have felt those feelings. They are normal but they need to be dealt with or they will poison your relationship(s).

Can you reach out to someone in RL? Counsellor, etc.

Having a child is a huge change. It changes priorities, the dynamics of a couple, etc. A lot of subtle and not so subtle adjustments need to happen in the relationship.

It sounds like your relationship was established and healthy. It is a matter of finding a new balance.

@Greeneyedminx

This is your choice to go to bed at 8 with your baby, not his.

Maybe you didn't read what I'd put in my post, DD will not settle for DH.
She will only settle for me at bedtime.
*
*Try sleep training your child

I won't be trying any sleep training, but thanks for the suggestion!

you need to give your head a massive wobble and actually grow up, stop blaming your husband for how you choose to look after your baby.
Good luck, you’ll need it

our shes our baby!!!!! She has two parents!