To think I should leave DH??

[everybodylovesgin]

DH & I have been together for 14 years.

We had our first baby this year born in March.

DD is now 6 months old.

My relationship with DH seems to be declining fast and I just don't know if we can ever get things back on track.

All we ever seen to do now is argue.
We don't seem to be a team, on the same side or supportive of each other.
Instead I feel like we're against each other and we're competing.

I feel angry towards him, I feel resentful and I don't really know why.

He helps around the house, he cooks dinner, he does the laundry, he gets up early on a weekend with DD so I can catch up on sleep, but I just feel like it's all done so he can throw it back at me, or that he's doing it to keep me quiet rather than he genuinely wants to help.

I feel like I'm struggling being at home with DD and he's at work all day and not feeling the same pressures of parenthood that I am.

I don't ever feel like I get time to myself, and my DH has complained that he doesn't either, but he's at work all day, he gets to have adult conversation, eat his lunch uninterrupted, go to the toilet when he wants.
I feel like that's much more time to himself than what I get!!

My stress levels feel higher than ever and I just feel like DH doesn't actually make much of a difference by being in my life.

He leaves for work at 7am and he arrives home at 5.30pm.

He will come home and he will cook us dinner, we will eat.

After dinner one of us will bath DD and get her ready for bed whilst the other is doing the dishes.

DD is going through a phase of not wanting to be with DH when she is tired and will not settle with him, only me.

8pm I take DD up to bed and that's me for the night.
I stay up with her 1. Because I don't feel comfortable putting her to bed without me.

1. Because it can take a while for her to fully drop off and she doesn't sleep for very long without waking up and needs to be settled so it makes sense for me to stay with her.

Some nights DH will come up with me and just lay next to me, others he will stay down.

I just feel so pissed at him because I don't feel like he does enough with DD.

It's so hard that she won't settle with him, even on a weekend for day time naps she barely settles with him, and it's always on me after lots of bouncing and hard work to get her to nap.

I feel really exhausted with it all, I miss having any time alone with my husband but all we seem to do now is argue / compare who's most tired or who's done the most around the house.

I feel like I always have to justify what I've done all day, admittedly he never asked or complains, but I just hate the thought of him thinking I'm lazy or unmotivated.

I do love DH, other than him cleaning the house, cooking and getting up early with DD on a weekend, I don't really know what else I get from him and how I benefit from him being in my life.

I don't want DD to have a split family but I just don't think I'm happy with him anymore.

@Minnie888 what I said was 100% true and I didn’t say to it be mean but to give a warning that the OP really has no idea how much harder it could be. She’s the one who came for advice.

I think that's normal life for new parents. But you sound unhappy whatever he does. Maybe there's more to it from your side, not his? I mean, are you looking for reasons to leave because you want to not be with him, rather than he's done something wrong?

I think really you need to step up and stop blaming and resenting your DH. You've only got one baby. Baby can be left for a time while you cook dinner during the day so it's ready for when your DH gets in then you can spend more time together. I don't think it's right that your DH is out all day and he still has to cool dinner when he gets back in. There are dinners you can make while your baby is asleep or even awake that can me made early in the day and warned up later in the evening. People with multiple dc and a baby still manage that. I wouldn't be surprised that your DH is a bit resentful. Why aren't you doing laundry while you are at home in the day ?

Very very common. My husband and I have had our most vicious, spiteful rows ever since our son came along.

A big thing that helped us (well, me, because I was doing all the ridiculous and exhausting and impractical rocking to sleep every night before my husband got home from work) was sleep training our son. We (mostly) got our evenings back and it made me feel so much better having had some good quality, uninterrupted sleep. That sounds like it might be a “quick win” here also.

Another thing that helped was lockdown in a strange way. My husband was suddenly working from home permanently and saw much more of our son and took him for a walk every day at around 3pm to give me a break.

Before that time, I have forgiven (but do not think i will ever forget) the fact my husband wouldn’t listen to how exhausted I was and continued to stay at work every day except one so I had to do bath and bed 4 week nights alone after all day alone with they baby. It nearly broke me, contributed to what I suspect was PND on top of the sleep deprivation and it’s a major factor in my not wanting a second child - though my husband would have liked one.

@Spinakker hahaha maybe because she’s not living in the 1950s? So what she just had one child; it can be an incredible shock to the system. She’s obviously exhausted, fed up, worried, but you’re like “Why are you not pulling your weight more and doing more of the domestic wife-work?”

Least helpful comment on the thread.

The first child is like a bomb going off in your relationship. At the time of having my first I read a comment on here that unless there’s abuse don’t make any major decisions about your relationship in the first 2 years after baby number 1. I hung on in there and after he turned 18 months things for massively better. I found at times in the first year I hated my OH. It was hormonal as i only felt that way at certain times of the month.
I’ve just had my second baby and it’s not as bad this time but still a not totally plain sailing.

I think your husband sounds like he is doing a good job as are you and what you are feeling is completely normal. It does seem like you may have post natal depression though. Reclaiming some of your evenings would be a good way to reconnect with your husband, get a good video baby monitor and then take it in turns to go and check when she wakes.

Do you have anyone who could take care of her while you spend some time together? It’s important.

We have a 19 month old DD but I remember around the 4-5 month mark feeling very similar to how you do, it does get better.

A friend of mine echoes the PP before I had DD and told me I would hate my husband and there were times when I really did, for no real reasons except I believed my life had been turned upside down and his hadn’t changed much. It’s normal.

After both my kids were born, I got what I called “the rage”. I couldn’t even look at my husband, I was so angry with him. It was awful, and the worst time was when each baby was about 6 months old. I never considered post natal depression, as I wasn’t depressed, and I hadn’t realised that irrational anger was a symptom. It was only later that the penny dropped.

I also had been with DH for 13 years before we had DD and everything you are saying resonates so closely with how I felt. Life was just exhausting and miserable in that first year as DD was a non sleeper so we also had no evenings for the first year as would spend them settling and bouncing her (reflux and colic for months) and our lives together changed so much after so many happy years together. I just felt dried up and devoid of any happiness or joy.

I went back to work when DD was 7 months old and although things were very tough with sleep deprivation, I really felt so much better having that break away and time to myself to think.

I would also recomend speaking to your doctor, I believe I may have had post natal depression and wish I'd asked for help as I had such a different experience with my DS and still feel terribly guilty I didn't try to do something about it

Unfortunately this is reasonably normal. The power dynamic has shifted with more that only you can do and not being able to share the work.

Plus you're both exhausted. Hopefully baby will start sleeping better and you'll get your evenings back and an opportunity to be together as a couple rather than just tag teaming baby duty.

Some good advice so far, and I second sorting sleep, getting checked for PND and returning to work early, even just part time, if possible. Your DH sounds like one of the good guys and single parenthood is NOT a walk in the park.

A good friend of mine once said that she and her DH had an agreement when their kids were tiny: anything said to each other between the hours of 10pm-6am was to be null and void by the next day. The early years is prime for arguments and resentment, and you may both say things you don't mean.

I hope you can make a plan to work through things. IME this is the worst stage. As they get old, life really does get better.

It sounds to me like he actually does a lot, far more than mine ever did.
Perhaps you should turn it round and think about how much more you would have to do if he didn’t do his part.

Are you thinking of going back to work ? Perhaps you need some grown up time too.
Going from independent person to mum is really hard, no one tells you what it’s like 💐

Firstly, parenthood is hard, really hard, and it can break you in the most surprising ways.

I do think your husband is doing a decent amount of housework and letting you have a lie in on a weekend. I know we are in covid times but you need to go out of the house for this reason

DD is going through a phase of not wanting to be with DH when she is tired and will not settle with him, only me.

if you are not there for her weekend nap time then he has to settle her, just like if you were divorced and he had his daughter. You have to stop rescuing. All you are doing is reinforcing you being the only one to settle her. Before she is due a nap you need to go out of the house. Even if that means driving your car round the corner. If you were my friend I would let you come round and just sleep. Don't ever underestimate how much lack of sleep robs you of your reasoning skills.

Also batch cook together on the weekend, or buy things that don't require much effort. My slow cooker and batch cooking were life savers when Ds was born. I had a year off on maternity leave.

When are you due to go back to work? From your Dh's point of view, he comes home, makes dinner, baths a baby or washes dishes and then is alone.

he's at work all day and not feeling the same pressures of parenthood that I am

of course he doesn't because he is working instead. If he can get him to take a week off work, that way you can be a team and try to get the sleeping bit sorted. That would help your evenings.

I do think you are being unfair on your Dh, some men just stay at work or out after work until their baby is in bed.

I thought this was going to be one of those "his life is unchanged and I do everything" posts, but it actually sound like he does pull his weight.
He cooks all the evening meals - that's huge. He does some of the bath/bed routines (you don't say what the split is here).
While he is at work, he's not doing nothing. Work is work, it's not free time.
Baby has disrupted both your lives, and maybe you're blaming each other for it.

Don't ever underestimate how much lack of sleep robs you of your reasoning skills.

I second this, 100%. It’s unbelievable how irritable and unreasonable it made me at times.

It sounds like he's doing as much as he can. If you won't let him put the baby to bed then why are you blaming him for not putting the baby to bed? Sounds a bit like you're being a bit of a martyr to be honest. He's just as capable of putting the baby to bed as you are. Be honest, do you automatically do stuff related to the baby? You need to figure out what exactly your issue is and talk to him. It would be a mistake to leave him without trying to sort this out. Not least because if you left him you'd be doing all the housework and still looking after the baby.

New parenthood is hard, and not just for the first few months. It seems to me that you are actually resenting the demands and tedium of new motherhood and are channeling that into your unhappiness and anger at your husband, and he may be doing the same with his frustrations at the demands and tedium of new fatherhood. I agree pnd may be a factor here. What do you actually want from him that he can actually offer or change right now? He can’t change the fact your baby settles better for you - that’s the case for most babies I have ever known under 1. He has to work, presumably, in order to keep his job and to have money coming into your household and it seems he’s not out of the house overly long hours, of if he only works until 5.30 and leaves at 7am. He is cooking dinner, cleaning etc. Ok, so he’s not doing it for the love of it, but who does?! I think most sleep-deprived parents resent all the extra work they have to do when a baby is young and would probably rather someone else did it (my children are 5 and 10 and I still get frustrated at not having the freedom I used to and annoyed by the extra work of all the washing, cleaning, activity scheduling, homework reminding, school holiday club booking etc etc). Yes, your husband gets to go to work and can take a lunch break but presumably your baby does nap occasionally so you too can have an (albeit quick) break. I know it’s not much and I know it’s hard, but it’s also not forever. Can you meet a friend a few times a week for a walk or lunch at your house?

When are you going back to work? Would that perhaps help restore a sense of equality in the marriage? Would returning early or your husband taking shared parental leave be an option while you go back to work?

The early years are roughly but you need to look at it as a tiny and crazy part of a child’s life and a relationship.

No I definately dont think you should leave your DH. You need to allow him to parent his own DD. So what if its hard and she wont settle as easily if you dont push through that it will be your job forever. I would talk to him and say that you are struggling with feelings of resentment that he is out at work whilst your at home. That you need more help to get some time away from your DD and to get your evenings back. Come up with a plan together suggest he settles her every other evening and whilst he does go out. Take a walk, go for a late night swim walk round the supermarket. Just for a bit so you dont have to listen and feel the need to take over. Then start to alternate it all. Take turns to cook tea and the other entertains, turns to bath even turns to have a lie in share the experience and if all that doesnt help. Get some proffesional help for yourself and possibly your DD sleep training is a lifesaver. In the nicest way you dont need to spend your evenings upstairs with a 6 month old. I made every sleep mistake in the world with my first child and swore I wouldnt do it again with my second two as it nearly broke me. It was a lot of hard work and took it out of me but it was so worth it.

I know this feeling! Honestly, these early stages are bitter sweet. It’s so hard. Everything you’re experiencing is completely normal. I read a thread just the other day of a woman with a husband who slept in another room most of the week then demanded a lay-in until 11am whilst she had been up all night breastfeeding and then up at 6am with their other child! Sadly, that can be a common experience so your husband isn’t doing too bad. So what, if he cba to do jobs deep down? Who does? But he does them.
I mostly regret not going out enough with mine when they were babies to groups etc. This may help you. If you continue to feel resentful about him being employed perhaps you could start making moves on getting back to work? Though, as mine got a bit older (they’re still young now) trips to the park and bakery during the day, or other such things, really picked it up. Life goes back to normal in the blink of an eye.

The first 6-8 months are hard. Your DH Sounds very involved, that's good. But I always resented my DH getting to go to work and me having to step down from my job. Though it was natural for me to be at home I did get a bit 'well why me ?!?'. But once I got more sleep it got better and that was the Main issue! Sleep! You need to resolve that. Going to bed when the baby goes to bed is great if you're actually resting but not great if it just adds more stress to the situation. Resolve the sleep issue.

Things that helped me with my two children:

1. Like your baby, my didn't want dad at sleeping time, just mum. But no matter that two times a week he would go to bedroom and I would stay watching television, reading and he had to cope. In time he was able to put them to sleep just like me. I didn't breastfeed, so things could be different for you.
2. Every Saturday morning I would go out for 3-4 hours to cycle, have a cup of coffee, read a magazine or a book or just walk around. I moved to another party of my country and had no friends, but I loved being on my own. You (and your husband) need some time alone.
3. Afternoon nap was a life saver for me - two hours in the afternoon just for me. With my first child I did the housework during that time, but with my second I got smarter and used that time to rest.

Be kind to each other. Your husband seems like a lovely guy, but first year of your child's life is the most difficult you will have, so it is normal to be angry and exhausted.

And visit your GP.

Agree with PP - I think your DP is pulling his weight and probably isnt having the best time either. It's probably worth a good chat with him about splitting time up a bit more - he needs to learn to settle baby, at 6 months you need to try leaving baby alone in the evening once she's asleep. I do the bulk of the cooking but DH does two nights a week, pre covid I'd go out to an exercise class on these nights and he goes for a run on different nights. We usually have a oven pizza or fish and chips one night a week so we can have time to watch a film or a couple of episodes of a series together.

We had also been together for a long time pre kids and it's that lack of freedom and being able to do whatever you fancy that really impacted us - we'd think nothing of an impromptu night out on a Tuesday and now that can't happen. I remember being absolutely furious that my DH had sent me a photo of the Eiffel Tower from yet another work trip because I was stuck with this baby all day while I thought he was having a whale of a time - in truth he was working 16+ hour days and was fed up having to spend weeks away from us. He thought I'd like the picture, I thought he was a bellend. He's not, it was just a tough time.

Do you think you have PND? I did, and didn't realise until my dd was over a year old. I was mainly resentful and angry at my DH too, and yours sounds like he's doing all he can. I think you should speak to your gp.

What exactly is it that you want him to be doing? Doesnt sound like he could do much more tbh. From your own description he cooks dinner every night, shares bathtimes and housework and gives you a lie in every weekend. Hes also out at work and commuting for 10 hours a day. To say he adds nothing to your life doesnt tally with your own description. Could you have post natal depression?