To tell my son he scraped a pass when he didn’t?

[Afibtomyboy]

My son is due to take the 11 plus test in a month.

We paid for a private tutor last two years (as is the norm around here).
He has done a revision course And mocks.
He’s a bright boy and should pass.

However, he likely now won’t be going to grammar school as we will keep him at the private Prep school he currently goes to (that Goes up to year 8) and then on to another private school, which has its own admissions process rather than the 11 plus.

So... Pass or fail has no consequence whatsoever, and here’s the thing.... He has very very low self confidence. We are awaiting an adhd diagnosis (mild). He and his friends are competitive, actively encouraged by the school (a good thing IMO) and results will be discussed.

I am so worried about the impact on his self confidence if he does fail. I can’t tell you how much we have worked on building up his confidence over the last year, and it’s reaped so much. He’s so much happier, so much more settled. It is very positive but I strongly sense that an 11 plus fail will go deep, very deep and have a lingering negative impact.

Seeing as the impact of the result isn’t going to change our plan to keep him at current school (when we embarked on the 11 plus tutoring and process we didn’t think he would be staying but now we have sufficient funds to facilitate it, hence the change in plan. Still plan to take though, as head of current school says it will be very good preparation for the admissions process to the school we hope he will go to), AIBU to tell him that he did pass (but say that it was a scraped pass, but a pass nonetheless) if he does fail?

He hasnt took the test yet so pull him out of the process

How is it going to be good practice for another exam, if you lie to him about the result?

If he thinks he is capable of passing an exam, when he isn't? How will you make him improve his performance if you lie to him?

I don't think his self esteem is going to improve over the next few years, somehow...

Completely understand where you are coming from and, now he has done all the work, if he wants to take the test let him take it. It will indeed be good preparation on how to prep and take exams. Fingers crossed he will pass and that will be a great confidence boost. If he doesn’t pass you can decide then what to tell him. More importantly, help him identify his strengths and weaknesses so you can work on exam and revision technique. I appreciate some posts saying why put him through a test he doesn’t need to do, but he will have to take a lot of exams in life regardless of what path he chooses. It wasn’t until university and professional qualifications that I really understood that knowing how to
Answer exam questions is worth as much as knowing the subject. Also, don’t worry that he is young in his year group as the 11+ takes relative age into account. You never know, he may pass and actually prefer the grammar, so don’t shut his options off too early. He sounds like a lucky boy to have parents looking out for his future like this and be in an area that still has grammar and private schools. Good luck to him

I think you should let him decide whether to bother sitting the test , but if he chooses to take it then you should be honest about the results . Our ds went into the 11+ knowing that if he passed he would go to the grammar and if he failed he would remain in private education so there was actually very little pressure ( he also wasn’t tutored ) . I don’t think lying about the results does anybody any good and may well come back to bite you .

No, because it may get discussed in front of teachers who aren’t in on this but know and if they said something, even accidentally, he’d be mortified.

@Hardbackwriter, I see the little kids plodding back and forth to school here and I feel sad. God help them with a 90 minute commute added on, in winter. Madness.

I feel the child of the OP, whilst clearly still very much a child has ideas, opinions and thoughts which will be worth listening to.

I think you have just defined the ultimate in snowflake.

I think at rising 11, you should be discussing his options with him and certainly not lying about the result.

If he's as bright as you say he is, he'll want to see the letter at some point.

The result may be shared with his school (or you'll tell the head) and then it's simply a matter of time before someone tells him the truth. The more people who know the sooner it will happen.

Relationships with young people going into and through puberty can be stressful and traumatic for all parties, without adding a sodding great lie into the mix.

@Afibtomyboy Interesting The majority Of Mumsnetters will be aghast... but I rather get a kick out of that grin But he’s very keen to take the exam So on the chance he fails - I will tell him he passed.

Yes get a 'kick' out of other parents advising you to be honest with your child and help them understand that results are not the be all and end all. Imagine if he fails and finds out you lied to him, that's going to be a bigger hit to his self-confidence, knowing that he didn't live up to his mum's expectations (or return on her investment).

I wonder, in the event that he fails, is it really your son you don't want to know or would you like to keep it quiet from other people in your circle? (the parents of those 'competitive peers').

Another consideration if he passes the threshold is that other people are then further down the ranks. They may needlessly be worrying whether they will be offered a place at Grammar school when you have no intention of taking a place.

@DPotter and a pandemic

This seems to me to be completely the wrong way to build confidence.

It's well known that "clever" kids who have never failed anything struggle when they get to Uni and find that they're not that clever after all. If your confidence is all based around your natural ability, you have no control over it, you're either good enough or you're not.

Far better to build resilience by telling him he didn't make it this time but it's not the end of the world, doesn't change anything and he can do better in the next one.

Confidence actually comes from getting things wrong and knowing you have the ability to move on.

Although why you'd put you and your child through this for two years, if you're worried about his confidence to the extent that you'd lie to "protect" him, is beyond me.

And how many others lies will this set off?

In your misguided efforts to protect him.

Do what @Bubblesgun says. Certainly don't make him take the exam if he'd rather not and doesn't need to.

Afibtomyboy Interesting The majority Of Mumsnetters will be aghast... but I rather get a kick out of that . But he’s very keen to take the exam So on the chance he fails - I will tell him he passed.

I wonder why you bothered to ask the question, in that case 🤔. How very odd you sound...

I strongly disagree with the whole 11+ system, it’s too young to label a child. Personally if you really want him to take it and if he ‘fails’ I would be honest but perhaps either refuse to give him the number result or you could inflate it if you feel it’s really going to affect him badly. Next day after results the kids are all in school comparing their results, the child with the lowest number must feel awful. Also if he goes around saying he passed the teachers will know he’s lying.

What are you going to tell everyone else? Will you also lie to friends, grandparents, expect his teachers to support you in this lie?

It's a REALLY bad lesson to teach him. And you will be a complete twat telling everyone that he's passed. I have a niggling suspicion that you may be protecting yourself from telling people that he's failed...

The school system in this country is so strange - it’s horrible to make young children take tests like this! I’m not from here and have my first baby on the way so am only starting to learn about school system through friends. Am making plans to move home with my child before school starts.

Don’t think OP is going to come back. Think she made up her mind, waited for one other person to agree and is going to go with it, no matter how damaging it will be.

T bothers me as I have a dear loved one whose life is wrecked by this sort of thing. The pressure they put on themselves to be the best academically has affected their whole life. They’re in their 40s now and their life is not okay, they have a lot of mental and social issues and it all started during school because they had to be the ‘best’ academically. It really saddens me the damage that this does to children and eventually adults.

I was holding back, but poor kid. Why would you lie to your son and take pleasure in annoying mumsnetters.

Totally agree with everything @Bubblesgun has written
Bravo 👏🏻 excellent clear advice

Don’t lie to your son. It will weigh heavily in you.

This is kind of horrible to read.

As someone who had a lot of pressure put on them as a child to succeed, there really isn't any reason for this. Taking exams early and to get into "better" schools messed up my self esteem pretty badly, and gave me terrible anxiety. There's literally no need to take this exam for him and you should consider the impact that kind of school enviroment is having on him.

The majority Of Mumsnetters will be aghast... but I rather get a kick out of that

Good luck with that by the time he is 15 and has found that his mum gets a kick out of lying to him. My experience of having brought up 2 children to adulthood suggests that 2 things really matter:

teach them to believe in your integrity and consequently in the importance of integrity

teach them how to handle failure

You've sent him to private school, had two years of tutoring and he still might fail?

I think you're putting too much pressure on him to succeed academically.

I would be trying to find a school with less emphasis on grades, where he can feel a success at whatever he is good at. Or where they will try and find his own strengths.

Don’t make him take the exam if he doesn’t need to