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AIBU?

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Original poster

Comments in work

285 replies

Hellin301 · 14/09/2020 08:36

There is a man who works in my office, who started in July time. He’s mid 40’s.

We got talking for a bit last week. He made a completely random comment to me in the middle of the conversation that he would rate my looks a 5 out of 10. I was a bit hurt by his comment, but I couldn’t tell if this was just his sense of humour so I just laughed it off. Thought little else about it apart from I’d rather he didn’t comment on my looks in a work setting.

On Friday, one of the women I work with said she liked how I’d done my hair and makeup. From the back of the room he just started laughing; he was scoffing at her comment that I looked nice. This began to irritate me, given the previous comment so I just looked over and said “trust you to laugh at that.” The other man sitting next to him kind of chuckled along with him. I figured there was no point in saying that I was annoyed as it would likely just be put across that I can’t take a joke.

Later that same day we were asked if anyone could cover a Saturday overtime day. I stated I would ordinarily but I had made plans. Didn’t elaborate as to what they were. He then said to me at lunch, “are you spending your weekend getting some beauty treatments,” I told him no, that I hadn’t been back at a beauticians since before covid and he replied “well I didn’t want to say anything” & started laughing again! Basically implying I needed to go.

I had actually arranged to go on a date on Saturday, but ended up cancelling last minute because these comments had gotten to me. I don’t usually suffer from low self esteem but his comments have knocked my confidence. I can’t think of anything I’ve done on him to make him behave this way.

I’m now reluctant to be in the office with him again as I know he’ll say something else. I know if I say something to my boss he will tell me to lighten up

OP posts:
DollyDoneMore · 15/09/2020 19:47

What a nasty man. Terrible behaviour. Complain forcibly. He has no right to talk to you like that.

Courgetteandbeans · 15/09/2020 19:47

Not suggesting you do this as it might not be appropriate to your situation but once I was in a similar position. A man in the office was making rude, demeaning comments about me and others. One day I took him aside and said that the only opinions I cared about were those from people I liked or respected and as I neither like nor respected him his opinion really didn't matter. He spent the rest of the time we worked together trying to get back in my good books.

DollyDoneMore · 15/09/2020 19:53

I also agree with everyone who says don’t indulge in the shit ‘banter’ that some people have posted here. Not at all funny or witty. When they go low, we go high.

LoverOfAllThingsPurple · 15/09/2020 19:54

I’d take Mr Little dick aside and put him straight. That as he has nothing to do with you, his opinion or remarks are unnecessary and he should act like a grown man n keep them to himself. Failing that, take it higher or find out his insecurities and rip him to shreds in front of the whole office. Do not let any man bring you down, he probably goes home, alone, has a microwave meal for one, chases his poor cat who doesn’t like him either. By making his snide remarks to you he’s just trying to make his pig self feel better. My loud ass mouth would have made him cry by now!!!!

Gobbycop · 15/09/2020 20:04

Fancies you would be my guess.

WildAboutMyPlanet · 15/09/2020 20:05

Don’t take him to one side, always make sure you have a witness. Say it loudly next time he says something inappropriate so that someone else can hear. Get some witnesses to previous issues too.

rebbonk · 15/09/2020 20:18

He fancies you!

Cadent · 15/09/2020 20:21

‘He fancies you’ = ‘accept this misogynistic, twatty behaviour because it’s really a compliment’.

OhCaptain · 15/09/2020 20:21

Jesus! Why are grown women still peddling this “he fancies you” shit?

SDTGisAnEvilWolefGenius · 15/09/2020 20:23

@OhCaptain

Jesus! Why are grown women still peddling this “he fancies you” shit?
^ - this!!!
purplebunny2012 · 15/09/2020 20:30

That wouldn't be tolerated where I work and I'd report him for workplace bullying. He's actually brought down your self esteem and needs bringing down a peg

PomBearSandwich · 15/09/2020 20:32

@OhCaptain

Jesus! Why are grown women still peddling this “he fancies you” shit?
It’s fucking depressing. On every single thread where someone is being bullied:

If it’s a man: “he fancies you”
If it’s a woman: “she’s jealous of you”.

It completely minimises and diminishes the bullying behaviour.

winniestone37 · 15/09/2020 20:41

Wow. Just wow. Log it and report it. This is actually sexual harassment. I’m sorry he made you feel rubbish, he clearly feels pretty awful about himself and is an utter twank.

LM101 · 15/09/2020 20:42

Are you sure he doesn’t fancy you?

KatharinaRosalie · 15/09/2020 20:42

@LM101

Are you sure he doesn’t fancy you?
What does it matter if he does? His comments are still inappropriate.
Meeeh · 15/09/2020 20:44

I’m bored of this. STOP.BEING.SO.NICE.

If he was making these “jokes” about someone of a different race, sexual persuasion, or say someone with a mental health issue or a disability, he’d be out the door.

It’s 2020 and we’re still having conversations around women’s looks and how to deal with men in the office. Get him to deal. HR all the way.

Annieconn · 15/09/2020 20:49

Start recording what he is saying, date and time - so you are armed if you decide to go to HR.
Also, try not to comment on his appearance as this makes you out as bad as him. Sounds as if he has low self-esteem and deflecting how he is feeling onto you...try not to pick it up.
Try saying, I don't like when you say that to me, I don't want you to do this again. Using "I" statments. Good luck :)

Crawf2002 · 15/09/2020 21:09

That’s awful I’d nip him right in the bud. He’s only been there since July very over familiar. I’d definitely make sure that there was witnesses and don’t engage in any pettiness just get him told cheeky git. Good luck xx

CallmeBadJanet · 15/09/2020 21:21

@Hellin301 This is blatant bullying. Tell him he needs to stop. If he pulls this kind of stunt again, report him to your manager. But you do need to stand up to him. Chances are he's done this to other women.

CantGetDecentNickname · 15/09/2020 21:22

tantamountto has just given good advice - an electronic record. Please don’t wait for him to do it again - report him to HR asap as it is much easier for them to deal with it now while he is in his probationary period. No long procedures to have to go through and no appeal on his part. Given the current rise in unemployment he is incredibly dim to risk being out of a job, but that is not your concern as the situation is of his making. If your line manager is possibly not going to take it seriously, email them so they can’t ignore or downplay your concerns. If you take it seriously, they have to.

Usernamerequired · 15/09/2020 21:49

Not fair on you, awful man 😡 either fight fire with fire or take it further by going to line manager/HR. Sounds like he has a few issues that he needs to deal with, but not your fault

PuddyMuddles4 · 15/09/2020 21:54

You could always stare pointedly at his 'bulge' (or lack thereof) and softly chuckle to yourself. Preferably with no witnesses.

SharonasCorona · 15/09/2020 21:55

@PuddyMuddles4

You could always stare pointedly at his 'bulge' (or lack thereof) and softly chuckle to yourself. Preferably with no witnesses.
She’s 16. And she’s left the job now. Please don’t give advice you wouldn’t take as a grown women let alone as a 26yo.
OhCaptain · 15/09/2020 21:57

@PuddyMuddles4

You could always stare pointedly at his 'bulge' (or lack thereof) and softly chuckle to yourself. Preferably with no witnesses.
Ffs.

Just in case: @Hellin301 don’t respond to sexual harassment by laughing at his crotch. Hmm

JalapenoDave · 15/09/2020 21:57

Sounds like somebody had got a little schoolboy crush on you!
However you are an adult, and his behaviour is extremely immature and unfunny, especially in a workplace. He's an idiot. Easier said than done but don't let him get you down Flowers