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AIBU?

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Original poster

Comments in work

285 replies

Hellin301 · 14/09/2020 08:36

There is a man who works in my office, who started in July time. He’s mid 40’s.

We got talking for a bit last week. He made a completely random comment to me in the middle of the conversation that he would rate my looks a 5 out of 10. I was a bit hurt by his comment, but I couldn’t tell if this was just his sense of humour so I just laughed it off. Thought little else about it apart from I’d rather he didn’t comment on my looks in a work setting.

On Friday, one of the women I work with said she liked how I’d done my hair and makeup. From the back of the room he just started laughing; he was scoffing at her comment that I looked nice. This began to irritate me, given the previous comment so I just looked over and said “trust you to laugh at that.” The other man sitting next to him kind of chuckled along with him. I figured there was no point in saying that I was annoyed as it would likely just be put across that I can’t take a joke.

Later that same day we were asked if anyone could cover a Saturday overtime day. I stated I would ordinarily but I had made plans. Didn’t elaborate as to what they were. He then said to me at lunch, “are you spending your weekend getting some beauty treatments,” I told him no, that I hadn’t been back at a beauticians since before covid and he replied “well I didn’t want to say anything” & started laughing again! Basically implying I needed to go.

I had actually arranged to go on a date on Saturday, but ended up cancelling last minute because these comments had gotten to me. I don’t usually suffer from low self esteem but his comments have knocked my confidence. I can’t think of anything I’ve done on him to make him behave this way.

I’m now reluctant to be in the office with him again as I know he’ll say something else. I know if I say something to my boss he will tell me to lighten up

OP posts:
iMatter · 14/09/2020 19:41

You need to be reporting this

It will only escalate

clearedfortakeoff · 14/09/2020 19:45

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

Sophiafour · 14/09/2020 19:52

Pretty much all of the boys I was at school with and a lot of the men in the offices where I temped in my 20s were like this. There are also several in my family, though they've got better as they've got older and the women in the circle (including me) have, er, gently explained how offensive they're being. I had to learn how to give as good as I got in those pre-legislation days; it's made me pretty sarcastic and quick with a retort in many situations. (And then that gets their goat because men are allowed the art of sharp repartee but women, emphatically, are not....)

Do not engage. I wouldn't personally speak to him on his own. Join a union; speak to HR, or a senior manager, find out what the company policy is on bullying/harrassment, keep a diary, and take it from there to see what the appropriate course of action is within your establishment. And watch your back. (Hence the union comment.)

And as others have said, if he's being this much of a twonk with you, now imagine you were a 16 year old apprentice, not sure yet about what was appropriate in the workplace; or someone with generally low self-esteem; or someone who'd been bullied their entire lives.

And now imagine he did this to a client.

PinkiOcelot · 14/09/2020 20:00

What an absolute prick. Definitely report him to HR.

Ideasplease322 · 14/09/2020 20:14

Tell him he needs to grow up and learn how to behave in he work place.

Don’t joke with him, don’t engage. Shit it a down every time. If it continues have a word with your line manger

He is trying To undermine you

maddiemookins16mum · 14/09/2020 20:16

Don’t engage any further.

DrDavidBanner · 14/09/2020 20:25

@CamomileCream

He's trying to establish dominance over you for some reason, trying to take you down a peg or two

While you're deciding what to do, write some notes about the incidences so far as PP have suggested. Otherwise you'll start to forget and downplay things in your own mind

I used to have a colleague like this. Would make 'jolly bantz' and start the most inappropriate conversations. It was small company with an open plan office and I noticed that whenever I raised my voice to speak, usually work related or jusy joining in conversation he would talk over me then another work colleague mentioned that she's noticed it. I raised the issue the next time I had a work catch up with my manager and started observing this guy's interactions with me. He didn't last the month. Wink

Don't try to match his schoolyard behaviour just grey rock him as much as you can professionally and perfect the scary glare' keep a record and go straight to HR / Manager and let them sort him out. If hes only been there 2 months they'll soon get the measure of him.

BuffaloMozzerella · 14/09/2020 21:18

I've dealt with a knob like this at work.

You need to tell HR, in writing. They will have to take action.

I tried the ignoring/being more formal - he didn't like that and upped the comments - so be aware if you try and ignore them this may happen.

BuffaloMozzerella · 14/09/2020 21:20

I meant to say you can mention the comments he has made about your looks to HR. He shouldn't be commenting on your appearance at all - totally unprofessional.

SmoggieC · 15/09/2020 17:30

@Sanitisethat

That is wildly inappropriate - it’s mad that he has got this far through his career with such totally unprofessional behaviour.

You don’t have to ‘take a joke’, OP. Your workplace isn’t a comedy club. It’s not your job to feel shit in order to save the person making you feel shit from being uncomfortable.

If you have an HR department, report his comments to them. If you don’t, tell your boss.

This, 100%.
LoveBeingAMum555 · 15/09/2020 17:36

I think this is appalling. I am a line manager and I would want to know if this was happening in my department and if I was in charge of this idiot I would be having a conversation with him about having respect for his colleagues.

captainprincess · 15/09/2020 17:42

No, don't ignore him like others have said, awful advice! Complain about him immediately to your manager, if you get nowhere with them, go to HR. He needs to be pulled up on this and reprimanded.
Try not to let the comments get to you, but do start documenting them.

Longpinknails · 15/09/2020 17:56

This is actually bullying, I agree with others. Thus needs to be stopped.

pollymere · 15/09/2020 18:01

Hmm. I would so want to say "is this sexual harassment or are you just an arse/dick/knob?" No one has the right to make you feel this way and it sounds abusive. He probably expects you to say something biting in reply as banter. I would probably just sigh and look bored. Don't bother giving replies though (although you might become ice maiden). Just be professional is probably what you should do, look confused at personal questions. Treat him as you would a teenage boy. You wouldn't tell them your plans etc, so don't feel you need to tell him.

Susannahmoody · 15/09/2020 18:02

Op? Any of this helping?

eminthebigsmoke · 15/09/2020 18:13

I know ppl have said, but as these comments are unwelcome, repeated, and linked to your gender (assuming her doesn’t regularly comment on the appearance of male colleagues) making this harassment. I would find your organisation’s policy on bullying and harassment and follow the steps. A manager needs to step in to tell him it’s unacceptable conduct and a disciplinary matter.
Don’t let it knock your self-esteem. He probably fancies you and is handling it like a 5-year-old who pulls hair.

Rollergirl999 · 15/09/2020 18:16

Confront him and tell him loudly and firmly that his comments are inappropriate. Keep a note of what and when he said it and report him to HR. This is not acceptable. It’s bullying .

Bubbles90 · 15/09/2020 18:29

Wow, this is unacceptable. I would carry a notebook around with you and whenever he makes an inappropriate comment I would write it down in your notebook in front of him. If he asks you what you are doing say "Oh nothing." As has been said in previous posts make a note of what he has said, when, time and who was present and report him to HR. If you say nothing he will only become worse.

Harls1969 · 15/09/2020 18:31

What a fucking bellend. He is behaving inappropriately, probably because he has his own insecurities - or a very small penis. I'd tell him to fuck off, but you should probably report him.

Tinkerbell1980 · 15/09/2020 18:35

What a dick! Be ready with some suitable-for-work shut downs;
'When I want your opinion I'll ask for it,'
'Did you mean to be so rude?'
'Somebody fed you after midnight'
'Don't bite that tongue the poison may kill you'
Etc.
Or you could just tell him to fuck off....

Wheresthesense · 15/09/2020 18:39

He is a misogynist, sexist bustard. You need to report him to your boss, get it nipped in the bud ASAP. Blatant sexism and bullying. Don't put up with it.

Also please try not to let it get you down, he sounds an utter arse.

Anele22 · 15/09/2020 18:43

How utterly appalling. I feel so sorry that this has happened and that you've cancelled your date. what an utterly vile man. I wouldn't rise to it or challenge him, other than to say
'that's rude' or 'please don't speak to me like that'. And I would absolutely report to the boss/HR/union. It's sexual harassment and probably illegal.

TacosTuesday · 15/09/2020 18:45

I've posted similar advice before, and had to do it myself too.

Firstly, do not ignore. Start making a note of comments and dates.

Secondly, start calling him out. Every. Single. Time. People like this RELY on social awkwardness to stop YOU from saying anything. It's amazing how much a comment nips this on the bud, especially repeating it back calmly, no smile or rudeness either:
'Rating my looks as you just did is inappropriate and rude. Please don't do this again'. Cue spluttering and awkwardness on HIS part (where it should be!). Do this rinse and repeat, especially in front of others 'You just commented on my appearance, I don't like it - please stop'. May get a raised eyebrow but calling it out again and again is likely to get him to stop quickly.

Thirdly, if he doesn't stop? Off to HR with your diary. You'll have witnesses too that you asked him to stop.

People like him are bullies - nip it in the bud and he'll stop, and you'll be able to go out again without his dickish comments stopping you.

cms1972 · 15/09/2020 18:47

I would ask him to repeat it while you get your notebook and write it down. If he wonders what you're doing just say you've been keeping a note of all the inappropriate things he's been saying to you so you can take it further.

Brilliant. Do it.

I hate this type of pathetic public low-level bullying. It's so implied. So that when you try to pull someone up for it, they turn it back on you and say it's your reaction that's the issue. Can't you take a joke? Fuck off.

Yeah, maybe he fancies you and he's trying to distract attention from that.

oreshina · 15/09/2020 18:48

He fancies you. He also hasn't developed mentally beyond puberty. Silly oaf.

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