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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

Comments in work

285 replies

Hellin301 · 14/09/2020 08:36

There is a man who works in my office, who started in July time. He’s mid 40’s.

We got talking for a bit last week. He made a completely random comment to me in the middle of the conversation that he would rate my looks a 5 out of 10. I was a bit hurt by his comment, but I couldn’t tell if this was just his sense of humour so I just laughed it off. Thought little else about it apart from I’d rather he didn’t comment on my looks in a work setting.

On Friday, one of the women I work with said she liked how I’d done my hair and makeup. From the back of the room he just started laughing; he was scoffing at her comment that I looked nice. This began to irritate me, given the previous comment so I just looked over and said “trust you to laugh at that.” The other man sitting next to him kind of chuckled along with him. I figured there was no point in saying that I was annoyed as it would likely just be put across that I can’t take a joke.

Later that same day we were asked if anyone could cover a Saturday overtime day. I stated I would ordinarily but I had made plans. Didn’t elaborate as to what they were. He then said to me at lunch, “are you spending your weekend getting some beauty treatments,” I told him no, that I hadn’t been back at a beauticians since before covid and he replied “well I didn’t want to say anything” & started laughing again! Basically implying I needed to go.

I had actually arranged to go on a date on Saturday, but ended up cancelling last minute because these comments had gotten to me. I don’t usually suffer from low self esteem but his comments have knocked my confidence. I can’t think of anything I’ve done on him to make him behave this way.

I’m now reluctant to be in the office with him again as I know he’ll say something else. I know if I say something to my boss he will tell me to lighten up

OP posts:

Silverflute · 15/09/2020 18:49

You need to tell him to his face that you don’t like him making personal comments about you or your appearance and that they are inappropriate in the workplace.

This man sounds totally insecure and is a psychological bully. His undermining your confidence is unacceptable. Put a stop to it now and report it to your line manager or HR if he does it again.

Meeeh · 15/09/2020 18:56

Straight to HR - shut the twunt down now. Stop being nice

TheGoogleMum · 15/09/2020 18:58

Hate men like this. Women don't exist just to look pretty for him!

DiddlySquatty · 15/09/2020 19:09

I think an incredulous ‘what did you say?’ Or ‘could you repeat that I think I misheard’ is a good way forward

FelicisNox · 15/09/2020 19:09

YANU and you need to nip this in the bud ASAP. It depends on how far you want to take it:

Option 1
The next time he makes a comment look him square in the eye and say: do you have any idea how utterly rude and inappropriate your comments are regarding my appearance? Since when did it become socially acceptable to be so rude?

Then pause, and keep staring at him.

If he tries to style out, say: I actually find your behaviour really offensive, would you like me to escalate the fact you are bullying me to management because I'm quite happy to put it in writing.

If he tries to say you're overreacting say: no, you're inappropriate and actually I find your obsession with me quite creepy because you make these comments at EVERY opportunity and I think you need to step back and grasp that I'm not your wife. I'm not remotely obliged to tolerate this. Let me be clear when I say it stops today or I will take this further.

If you're feeling a wobbly after that just get up and walk out, get a drink and then go back to the office.

Option 2
This is if you're not brave enough to tackle him in a long covo:

The next time he comments stand up, make a big thing of looking him up and down and say: you're hardly one to be talking about other people's appearance! Laugh heartily and then walk out.

Repeat every time he makes a comment, look him up and down and say: er, yeah, as I was saying.

Standing up for yourself is a learned skill so start learning because this dude is NOBODY.

You're a Queen so strut..... don't tiptoe around that greasy creep. He either fancies you or is a bully but either way you need to shut him down.

Wearethechampionsmyfriend · 15/09/2020 19:10

I'd say, look at yourself mate !

Horrible bastard.

WendyE · 15/09/2020 19:13

What a nob just ignore him.

EsterOdesavitch · 15/09/2020 19:14

What a colossal bellend. Reminds me of a guy at work who once told me I was nice looking but could do with losing a stone. Or the other one who said I had a great personality - but not enough to want to shag me.

I'm always amazed that they think we give the shiniest fucking shite what they think, imbeciles.

He is not worth a moment of your head space. Please just ignore and rise above, don't give the twat the satisfaction.

wossgoinon · 15/09/2020 19:15

I get a lot of this. I normally reply 'im not here for your erection' or i have asked them to explain the joke. I do work with a bunch of builders though

Sewrainbow · 15/09/2020 19:21

Yabu to cancel a date based on his comments, he is an idiot!

DreamTheMoors · 15/09/2020 19:21

@Hellin301

Don’t let him win. Come back at him.

Hey Phillip - why don’t you slip into something more comfortable.....like a coma.

Gerald, do you sleep with your hands under the covers?

James, you look like you’d really enjoy a good game of leapfrog with a herd of unicorns.

Suppose you were an idiot - and suppose we worked in the same office. But I repeat myself.

Hand him a magnifying glass and say, “Here, Joseph.” When he asks what it’s for, say “Well how else will she locate your willy?

You get the idea. And make sure you say it in front of several of your office-mates. And be confident! and as sarcastic as you can.

Heatherjayne1972 · 15/09/2020 19:22

Not sure a witty comment is the way To go. You run the risk of him saying it’s just banter

You’re better off making a note of all the comments he’s made times dates witnesses etc
And escalate it anyway

This is unacceptable behaviour even one time

Aglet · 15/09/2020 19:24

Tell him that he can get therapy for his low self esteem.

HopeFading · 15/09/2020 19:25

100% report to HR. Please don’t stand for it anymore. I’m sure you look great and he is trying to damage your self esteem because he’s a prick and jealous. He should get a waning and then if it continues, the sack.

HopeFading · 15/09/2020 19:25

*warning

honeygirlz · 15/09/2020 19:27

Did OP ever come back?

G5000 · 15/09/2020 19:27

Please don't use any of the 'witty' comments proposed. That would be an extremely stupid thing to do. HR specialist have posted here before - first, record everything. Tell him his comments are inappropriate. If he doesn't stop, HR.
Any comments about his looks or willy and you will be the one reported for inappropriate behaviour.

Pebblexox · 15/09/2020 19:29

You need to speak up. Allowing this behaviour to continue is just setting women back by about 100 years.

simiisme · 15/09/2020 19:31

Absolute dick.
Report him.
If your manager is useless, escalate to their boss.
Sorry you're having to put up with bullying, school boy behaviour in the workplace.

Original poster

Hellin301 · 15/09/2020 19:32

Yes I’m still here. Thanks to everyone for the advice. I’m going to address it next time by taking him to one side and telling him I don’t think the comments are appropriate and he needs to stop.

From there it’ll be raising a grievance through management/ HR.

I’m more annoyed with myself that I’ve let him get to me. Great to hear that everyone else also thinks it’s inappropriate as I couldn’t tell whether I was just being over sensitive on this issue!

OP posts:

FrontRowSeat · 15/09/2020 19:37

What a complete arsehole. Bet he’s not exactly Ryan Gosling. And why do blokes think they can say whether they would or would not condescend to shag us? Has it not occurred to them that we wouldn’t touch them with a shitty stick?

honeygirlz · 15/09/2020 19:38

@Hellin301

From there it’ll be raising a grievance through management/ HR.

How about sending him a polite but firm email so you have it in writing?

bakereld · 15/09/2020 19:44

@Rossita

“ I figured there was no point in saying that I was annoyed as it would likely just be put across that I can’t take a joke. ”

As women we have been socially conditioned to react like this. He is insulting you but you are more worried that he will perceive you as being unable to take a joke. He is behaving unprofessionally, please don’t accept this, stand up for yourself and take further action if necessary.

This is in no way blaming you btw.

This! You don’t have to ‘take a joke’ or 'lighten up' OP, he is behaving unprofessionally.

There was a guy who tried to do this to me at my old job, initially I laughed it off, but eventually got fed up when I realised he wasn't doing the same to any of my male co-workers. Whenever he tried to throw a 'jokey insult'/'banter' I just gave him a confused or creeped out look.

Funnily enough, a male co-worker that I hardly knew ended up reporting him to his boss, who gave him a stern talking to. He tried to suck up to me after that, but I ignored him unless it was strictly work related.

tantamountto · 15/09/2020 19:46

I wouldn't speak to him without a witness. By email would be good, as you have a dated record. And when he behaves badly, send yourself an email about it. Or send your union rep an email. For evidence.

SDTGisAnEvilWolefGenius · 15/09/2020 19:46

@TorkTorkBam

"That is inappropriate Bob." Said loudly and firmly. Possibly with no eye contact - keep looking at your friend you were talking to before he interjected.

So what if he says you cannot take a joke? You repeat "Inappropriate" firmly with a little shake of your head and then refuse to engage, continuing as you were with your original conversation. Maybe give a little eye roll to the other person.

Be more boss.

Good advice from @TorkTorkBam here. I would add - if he tries the ‘it was just a joke’ line - ask him to explain why it is funny to make nasty comments to his colleagues.

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