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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To not want a house full in the run up to the wedding?

185 replies

IwishThatYouWereHere · 13/09/2020 22:06

We get married in a couple of weeks. We live in a 3 bed with 2 children. DP's parent's live away so are going to stay with us before and after the wedding. DP's brother and his girlfriend also live away and we said they could stay on the sofa (we don't have any spare rooms) the night before the wedding as I'd be at my parents and the night of the wedding as we would be at the hotel. They then asked if they could stay a couple of days before the wedding and the night after. I said no as it'll mean we are breaking the 'rule of 6' should it be in place still and also I don't want my house full in the lead up to the wedding as I'll be stressed as it is and just want to relax. AIBU?

OP posts:
Giespeace · 14/09/2020 08:43

My now DH even complained that I made too much noise doing the washing up and it disturbed them!

Fuck me, is he still breathing?? Shock

billy1966 · 14/09/2020 08:46

OP,

You sound you marrying a bullying, nasty, lazy waster, whose family are the dregs.

Clearly you have self esteem issues to be accepting such appalling treatment.

I wish you the strength of character to call off the wedding.

You are walking into a harder life than you already have.

Sulker's are abusive.

Your poor children.
Flowers

Panicwiththebisto · 14/09/2020 08:55

I thought about calling it off at that point, in hindsight I wish I had at that point.

HotPatootiebootie · 14/09/2020 09:01

Op, why on Earth are you marrying this man? He treats you terribly, he and his whole family manipulate you and you are a skivvy in your own house. Your precious memories of christening etc are ruined by their bad behaviour and still you put up with being treated this way?

Post pone the wedding at the very least. Tbh I doubt it will go ahead anyway the way things are going. Then tell your "OH" to sling his hook and go breast feed from his mummy. I'm sure she would love to Hager's him back and he needs (at the very least) a short sharp shock. Then if you absolutely insist on marrying into this ridiculous family rest the ground rules and that includes NO family sleep overs at all.

Me, not a chance in hell would I have my brother in law spitting his dummy out over not staying at my house. He would be swiftly uninvited, mother in law too if she was shit stirring. She has raised them to be over entitled brats that can't take responsibility for their own behaviour. None of this is YOUR FAULT ( other than allowing them al to walk over you)

Heronwatcher · 14/09/2020 09:03

OP have you really had a think about whether you need to get married at all? It may seem as though you are too far into it to back out now but you’re not. Your partner’s family sound awful and he doesn’t sound much better. Not speaking to you is childish. Not pulling his weight in the house is selfish and lazy and shows a lack of respect. Why an earth doesn’t he share the chores equally? Are you financially equal. I am not saying you’d have to split up but I think I’d want to address all of this properly before I marry him, as chances are the inequality and family nonsense will only get worse once you are married (read the relationships board if you don’t believe me). Maybe realising that you could do without the wedding might make him think about his behaviour to you. So you are not being unreasonable about the brother but you are being unreasonable pressing on with the wedding.

PaternosterLoft · 14/09/2020 09:06

So the man you are supposed to be marrying

  • has never put the washing machine on in 9 years
  • sulks
  • expects you to host his entire family, while he contributes absolutely zero in the way of shopping/cooking/tidying
  • expects you to have his entire family to stay in your small house the week before and after your wedding
-blames you for pointing out what an utterly stupid idea that is -punishes you by giving you the cold shoulder when your compromise isn't just letting him get his own way

Are you sure you really want to marry him?

I'd set your stall out now - this ENDS now unless he gets his head out of his arse and decides whether that ^^^ is the man he's going to be for the rest of your life. If so, he can fuck off.

Sunnydaysstillhere · 14/09/2020 09:12

Don't think just because you have been together all these years and have a dc that you are somehow obliged to go through with the wedding...
He is a twat. As are his family.

Keeva2017 · 14/09/2020 09:16

Run op run! There is nothing normal about any of their expectations. The kit of them sound like boundary stomping selfish enmeshed lunatics. Seriously this is a blessing in disguise.

anuffername · 14/09/2020 09:30

If (and it's a big if) you can actually get past this and go ahead and marry this useless man, be prepared for this situation to come up over and over and over again. Is this how you want the rest of your life to be?

You might as well give them all a spare key now so that they can turn up at any time and trample all over your boundaries whenever they like.

Sallycinammonbangsthedruminthe · 14/09/2020 09:31

Oh OP ..you sound so lovely and dont need this hassle.Stand your ground and if no one likes it fuck em all off and no one stays.When people show you who they are you should listen.YOur soon tobe husband isbehaving like a child and it stinks. Can someone mind the kids for you and you go off for a coffee somewhere on your own a nd have a think about what it is you are really getting into here? It is so bad the way they are treating you ..all of them and your soon to be husband....The very person who should love and respect you and have your back ,the one person you can and should always be able to rely on is in bed sulking ...bet your parents would be horrified if they knew you were living like this.I would be if it was my daughter...You deserve so much more my darling you really do...

ChakaDakotaRegina · 14/09/2020 09:36

Minimising your needs and maximising theirs.
Being unreasonable but making it sound like you are being unreasonable.
Sulking (DP) and power plays (Brother)
Ruining an event/creating drama because someone else had the attention
Flying monkeys (getting other people involved ie the mum)

They are manipulating each other and you are the scapegoat. Your DP has behaved appallingly. There is no way he should have blamed you.

I’ve had this and it’s a horrible place to be (we’re still together but no wedding. I’d have bailed out long ago if I’d realised how soul destroying it would be). You don’t want your kids learning this is ok.

Do not overthink this or overexplain. Short repeatable phrases - If you want to be manipulated DP that’s up to you. I’ve been as accommodating as possible. I’m not to blame for your family’s ongoing dramas.

Poulter · 14/09/2020 09:38

@IwishThatYouWereHere

If IANBU.. why is everyone (including DP) making me feel like I am? I don't understand whats so criminal about having a say over who sets up camp in your own home?
Everybody isn't though, are they? The only people that are, are his family. If you told reasonable people, like your parents and friends (and most of MN) they would all agree with you.

Hold your ground, tell your DP to stop sulking or you won't marry him and get some therapy for your boundaries and low self esteem.

ChakaDakotaRegina · 14/09/2020 09:42

But also - this is deep rooted family dynamic stuff that isn’t going to change overnight. It will give you the ick.

You sound lovely. You CAN do better than this.

UnexpectedItemInShaggingArea · 14/09/2020 09:48

I'd honestly cancel the wedding and get joint counselling to sort this out.

You're not going to enjoy your day anyway, it's already ruined.

BlueThistles · 14/09/2020 09:52

they sound so horribly selfish OP, this is your life now should you choose it. 🌺

Beagledbybeagle · 14/09/2020 09:56

I would cancel the wedding also. Your DP is thinking more about his brother's feelings than yours. You can always rebook it next year. His brother is an asshole.

FizzyGreenWater · 14/09/2020 09:59

Don’t marry him.

I’m not sure what you don’t understand... This seems to just be yet another example of how your ‘role’ is skivvy and whipping boy for your rather nasty piece of shit partner.

His family treat you the same way he does - not rocket science, they’re a dysfunctional bunch who see him treat you like shit so they simply do the same.

Whose house? Equal names? Who earns more/could you support yourself? Those are the more important questions to me... it’s taken as read that this is a crap relationship for you and that you’d be better off not marrying him.

SengaMac · 14/09/2020 10:00

They all got pissed and made a total mess of the kitchen it was like there had been a houseparty.. while I was upstairs at 5am trying to hush a 4 month old to sleep. After that I said never again as memories of her christening are just ruined by the horrible weekend it turned out to be.

Remind your partner of this.
If he still thinks he's right, he's a self-centred waste of space like the rest of his family.

Panicwiththebisto · 14/09/2020 10:18

Oh yes the family drama on their side, all about them, in the run up to the wedding....

One IL revealed 2 days after the invites were sent out that she had a major beef going on for years with one of their other relatives and I had to now disinvite him on her behalf (I think she waited until after the invites landed on the mats!) etc.

user165423256322 · 14/09/2020 10:19

It's really sad that he can treat you so badly and you accept it because you think it's what you deserve.

that1970shouse · 14/09/2020 10:36

Do any of you think IABU at all?

No. Because YANBU at all. What you offered was already beyond reasonable.
You said "Never again" after the Christening so how come you agreed to any of it?

I wouldn't want to marry a man who sulked like that, didn't lift a finger in the house (and with the DCs?) other than a bit of cooking, and blames me rather than his prick of a brother.

PeppaPrick · 14/09/2020 11:15

They sound a right shower, OP, and your partner isn't any better. Think carefully about where you go from here as it won't get any easier or better for you. It's never too late to cancel, or postpone at least, I wished I had cancelled my wedding to my XH, he was not too dissimilar to yours, but I felt like I had to persevere because we'd already booked everything, family contributing to parts of the wedding etc. So I went along with it and spent the next few years miserable and regretting it. I'm glad my ex is out of my life, a huge weight off my shoulders not to have to put up with his sulking shit, and his family.

BlueThistles · 14/09/2020 11:39

they are takers.

RoseTintedAtuin · 14/09/2020 12:01

YANBU. It’s illegal (the rule of 6 is not going anywhere in a matter of weeks, cases are on the rise and in order to keep schools open this rule will likely be in place up to Christmas).

Tell them you are not willing to get a criminal record so they can have a jolly for a few days. Tell your DP that you have been as accommodating as possible (within the law and what is reasonable) and while you understand he is upset that his brother is saying he won’t come that his anger is misplaced. Perhaps he would like to kick up a fuss with his mother and get her to weigh in.

The stress of a wedding particularly in the week before is considerable (even without COVID) and your DP should have your back. There does seem to be deeper issues from what you’ve written tbh but if you are to be married then your dp is committing to put you before others, he needs to think on that.

Shelby2010 · 14/09/2020 13:33

YANBU

But it does sound like MIL has been shit stirring. If she is the one who passed the message on, I bet she added something bitchy that you didn’t really want him to stay at all.

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