Active discussions

Meet the Other Phone. A phone that grows with your child.

Meet the Other Phone.
A phone that grows with your child.

Buy now

Please or to access all these features

Talk
AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To not want a house full in the run up to the wedding?

185 replies

IwishThatYouWereHere · 13/09/2020 22:06

We get married in a couple of weeks. We live in a 3 bed with 2 children. DP's parent's live away so are going to stay with us before and after the wedding. DP's brother and his girlfriend also live away and we said they could stay on the sofa (we don't have any spare rooms) the night before the wedding as I'd be at my parents and the night of the wedding as we would be at the hotel. They then asked if they could stay a couple of days before the wedding and the night after. I said no as it'll mean we are breaking the 'rule of 6' should it be in place still and also I don't want my house full in the lead up to the wedding as I'll be stressed as it is and just want to relax. AIBU?

OP posts:
LoveInTheTimeOfCorona · 14/09/2020 05:04

@IwishThatYouWereHere

If IANBU.. why is everyone (including DP) making me feel like I am? I don't understand whats so criminal about having a say over who sets up camp in your own home?
It's manipulation. They are trying to get you do what they want by making you feel like you're in the wrong. It's a classic abuser tactic.
Longdistance · 14/09/2020 05:21

Yanbu. Are you sure you want to be stuck with this guy? It’s easier to call off a wedding than sort a divorce out that can take two years minimum. You’ll be marrying into his family too.
If I were you, I’d run 🏃🏽‍♀️

Megan2018 · 14/09/2020 05:30

Why on earth do you want to marry him? Have some self respect, your DP sounds horrendous and his family even worse.
Call it off and split for good, this is a toxic relationship.

readingismycardio · 14/09/2020 05:37

We re getting married soon. My PIL & BIL have rooms rented nearby the venue. we paid for the rooms. No way they stay with us. Would this maybe work for you?

AnyOldPrion · 14/09/2020 05:39

If IANBU.. why is everyone (including DP) making me feel like I am?

As LoveInTheTimeOfCorona and others have said, it’s classic abusive manipulation. They are trying to push you into doing something you don’t want, and if you concede ground and don’t stand up for what you need now, you will be pushed further and further because once they know they can, the dynamic is formed and they will use it.

Your ‘D’P is sulking. Another abuse tactic to get what he wants. He believes you’ll give in. He’s not putting you first, and he should be. In fact right from the moment he said ‘no’ to his family and added in the suggestion it was ‘because you would be too stressed’ he’s demonstrated his disloyalty to you and loyalty to them. Had he said no without adding that, he would have sent them (and you) the message that he and you were a team. He indicated the opposite.

I don’t know if you should marry him. Pity you’re already so far in, because if this was happening before DC it would be a good time to properly lay it on the line and consider splitting up.

It’s about boundaries. You have the right to say no, and for that to be respected. You’ve said no, it hasn’t been respected, and that is a huge red flag.

AnyOldPrion · 14/09/2020 05:53

Oh and... the fact that they have you questioning yourself is classic too.

If your parents were asking to stay, and he said “No, we already have a houseful” what would your reaction be?

If a friend came to you and said “my fiancé is sulking because I don’t want his brother and girlfriend (that I’ve never met) sleeping on the couch for several nights before our wedding.... oh and the family have form for getting drunk and breaking things... and of course, there’s an increased possibility they’ll bring coronavirus into the house in the lead up to the wedding, and technically it’s breaking the law”... would you tell her she’s unreasonable.

Of course you’re not being unreasonable. His whole family dynamic is abusive and to him it’s normal. Sorry to lay it out like that, but I was in a similsituation for over 20 years and it took me that long to get out as I couldn’t see it for what it was either.

OverTheRainbow88 · 14/09/2020 05:59

Maybe the can’t afford a night at a hotel.

Even if I wasn’t happy about it I would let him stay, for my OHs sake. I couldn’t imagine a sibling not being at my wedding, would be a downer on the whole day

WeKnowFrogsGoShaLaLaLaLa · 14/09/2020 06:05

@OverTheRainbow88 - and marrying this guy will put a downer on her whole life.

timeisnotaline · 14/09/2020 06:07

If they can’t afford a night at a hotel, they can still come and stay the two nights originally on the table, no accomm cost involved. It’s not so far that’s not perfectly doable which is why it was their original plan. This is not about being able to afford it, this is about expecting to walk all over op even in the days before her wedding.

Minimumstandard · 14/09/2020 06:07

YANBU. Are you sure you want to go ahead with the wedding?

If you do (and they really can't afford a hotel/b&b), could your parents host them for just the night afterwards, since you presumably won't be there then?

flapjackfairy · 14/09/2020 06:10

My brother in law wanted me to put my daughter out of her bed so he and my sister could save the cost of a hotel room the night before the wedding. She was the bride!
I told him no in no uncertain terms . I cant believe anyone would think that it was acceptable for me to turf .my daughter out of her room on her last night in her family home ( she still lived at home with us ) not to mention the added drama of a family of 7 ( ours ) trying to all get ready the morning of the wedding along with 4 bridesmaids in the same house with 2 more people to accommodate. You are not being unreasonable at all.

Iminaglasscaseofemotion · 14/09/2020 06:35

I couldn’t imagine a sibling not being at my wedding, would be a downer on the whole day

To be honest, it will probe better without him there at all. He sounds like a prize prick. OP inwpjldngonin and tell your dp that he needs to stop being so dramatic and get a grip, and tell him tontell his brother the same. This is something I can see my dp doing because for some reason he just can't say no to them.

Rainagain72 · 14/09/2020 06:45

Come on...if it was just a matter of him really not being able to afford a hotel then why send such a nasty text to stir up trouble and refuse to come to the wedding? At best, if the brother genuinely couldn’t afford a hotel and was so entitled he honestly didn’t see why it might be putting you out to stay in a house that would already be crowded he’d just simply be a bit put out and drive down on the day. If you go ahead with with wedding OP, his family have out a dampener on it, not you. You’re already doing far more than a lot of people with a small house would in letting his parents stay.

Pobblebonk · 14/09/2020 06:47

Think hard before you marry a sulker. It really is an incredibly unattractive trait.

Iwonder08 · 14/09/2020 06:51

OP, this is what I would say to a friend rather than a stranger online:
First of all you need to calm down. There must be the reason you decided to marry this man so don't give it up so easily because of minor disagreement. Even though it is making you very stressed right now.
Calmly talk to your DP in the morning. Tell him you understand he is upset because his brother is not coming to the wedding and it is very important for him.
Tell him though that if you were in his brother's shoes and you were invited to your sister's wedding you would do your best to make the day and preparation for the day as pleasant as possible for her. Your DP's brother decided against staying in a hotel even for 1 extra night, despite knowing how crammed and uncomfortable it would be in your small house is upsetting. However the fact that now he is refusing to attend the wedding all together because he was politely asked to stay elsewhere for 1 more night, knowing how much distress it would cause to his brother.. You find it shocking, you would never do that to your family member. Try to be polite.

See what your DP say.. You know even if you give in now there will be no point as his brother has already refused to come to the wedding.
Give him some space this morning after you talk. If he continues with accusing you and/or not talking to you I would seriously consider putting the wedding on hold.

BearMarket · 14/09/2020 07:00

I wouldn’t have had any of them to stay over my wedding. Not one.i am getting stressed thinking about the extra work on top of a wedding.

Absolutely no way.

Bluesheep8 · 14/09/2020 07:38

More than 6 people is breaking the law. It really is as simple as that.Hmm

Inertia · 14/09/2020 07:39

Yanbu.

Your partner is taking this out on you because it’s easier to upset you than his family- they dish out the tantrums and emotional blackmail to get their own way, whereas it sounds like you accommodate/ appease your partner’s sulks. You need to start being more awkward and stubborn with your own responses.

Inertia · 14/09/2020 07:42

I’d also communicate directly with the brother (in a group chat so it’s visible to all) asking him to confirm whether or not he’s coming so that you can confirm numbers with venue/ caterers etc. That’ll show you whether he is serious.

Coffeecak3 · 14/09/2020 07:57

My dd is getting married this year, I have booked air bnb for my parents and us. I wouldn't dream of using their home when dd and dp have the biggest event of their lives going on.
If your dh doesn't support you around your wedding celebration then I would be very wary of him having your back in future.

Anydreamwilldo12 · 14/09/2020 08:18

Your updates show the true reality of his whole family including him
He's a lazy twat who does nothing around the house (except cooking which is nowt)
His family walk all over you treating your house like a hotel and he sits back and lets them
They are heavy drinkers and wreck your property while smashed out of their heads
Your partner goes in a sulk if you dare say no to any of his family. He doesn't have your back and prioritises his family over you.

Is this really what you want to marry into OP. You say it was good over lockdown as they couldn't interfere but lockdown isn't forever then this will be your life as long as your married to that selfish twat. They will always come first.

Sunnydaysstillhere · 14/09/2020 08:26

I once got involved with a man who's family rated getting pissed and dossing wherever they fell. Wasn't a life I wanted. I took my dd and walked...
When he chose to spend his redundancy on partying I knew I had made the right decision.
Think very very carefully op.

Jaxhog · 14/09/2020 08:33

So he wants a free holiday while you're getting married? Totally unreasonable! Your DP needs to stand up for you both, or you'll be providing his DB free holidays forever.

Giespeace · 14/09/2020 08:41

What I’d ask “D”P
“Why is it that making sure your future wife is happy and as relaxed as possible in the run up to our wedding isn’t important to you? Are you ready to have a wife, because she really should come before your tantrum throwing brother and shit stirring mother? And why the fuck can’t you operate the washing machine you lazy twat?”

I’m with PPs, unless this is all completely unheard of fuckwittery and not par for the course, there are precious few signs this will be a successful, happy marriage.

Panicwiththebisto · 14/09/2020 08:42

It’s a small 3-bed house, not Downton Abbey, and they are not even appearing grateful about the 2 nights that they are staying! It’s like it’s just “his” family that matters. Add in Covid to the mix and they are really being CFs.

I had this sort of shit from my ILs, I had to “back down“ and to be honest it’s soured things for me ever since. Having a house load of his guests to feed and clean/tidy up for added to the stress of getting ready for the wedding. My now DH even complained that I made too much noise doing the washing up and it disturbed them!