Page 4 | To not want a house full in the run up to the wedding?

IwishThatYouWereHere · 2020-09-13T21:06:13+00:00

We get married in a couple of weeks. We live in a 3 bed with 2 children. DP's parent's live away so are going to stay with us before and after the wedding. DP's brother and his girlfriend also live away and we said they could stay on the sofa (we don't have any spare rooms) the night before the wedding as I'd be at my parents and the night of the wedding as we would be at the hotel. They then asked if they could stay a couple of days before the wedding and the night after. I said no as it'll mean we are breaking the 'rule of 6' should it be in place still and also I don't want my house full in the lead up to the wedding as I'll be stressed as it is and just want to relax. AIBU?

BlueThistles · 14/09/2020 00:30

Treating you like this days before the big day is a disgrace.. Your Fiancee is a disloyal Dick, his Brother is a cheap arsed Dick, your MIL and FIL are cheap arsed insensitive Pricks. Anyone who thinks any of this 'crashing at yours' before/during/after your Wedding is deeply selfish insensitive and fucking arrogantly rude.

I'd be telling ALL of them to piss off. Weddings can be rescheduled. 🌺

dollypartonscoat · 14/09/2020 00:32

"its always me! Its me who tidies the house, changes the beds before and after.. does the washing and picks up for them while there here. But oh.. he does the cooking! So in their eyes he's domestic god and I'm lazy cow! never mind that they would be sleeping on my snotty 4 year old's paw patrol bedding if it wasn't for me who sorts it out!"

That's your life and on top of it he doesn't back you up and he gives you the silent treatment? Why why why are you marrying him. I could not be attracted to that

BlueThistles · 14/09/2020 00:32

Blaming you is cheap nasty and childish. Tell your Fiancee to man up grow a pair of balls and tell them to find Hotels. Failing that DON'T COME 🌺

Torvean32 · 14/09/2020 00:33

You're not being unreasonable at all. Why are they not wiiling to spend a bit. Its their brother's wedding? Are they willing to pay the fee if your caught with more than 6 ppl in your house.
Also your partner should be behind you and not his brother.

HoofWankingSpangleCunt · 14/09/2020 00:45

Oh Op, your 'D'P's family are toxic bullies.

And if I'm honest, your fiancé doesn't seem like the greatest catch. He lets you do all the wirework, probably all the child rearing and does not treat you with respect. He sounds very immature and not terribly bright.

I think if you marry him, you will always feel second best to his family and that's not okay.

I know you say you got on well during lockdown without his family but he clearly hasn't changed. Where his birth family are involved, you will always have to deal with the fallout. And clearly his family will always be around.

Are you very very sure you want to marry this man? This might be a good thing in disguise. Imagine living in a home which won't get trashed by drunken idiots? Imagine knowing that you're safe from guilt tripping and manipulative behaviour.

I think you posted tonight because you know in your heart you ANBU and the inevitable conclusion is that your DP and his family ABU and Will Always Be Unreasonable and you'll be expected to put up and shut up.

I'm worried that marrying this manchild will be a dreadful mistake. Yes, I know I don't him but no amount of good points can ever make up for the shitty, selfish behaviour.

Original poster

IwishThatYouWereHere · 14/09/2020 00:55

I don't know, I think I'm that convinced after being made to feel so much and being told so much its me that's unreasonable that I expected to get quite a few people telling me that COVID aside, I am being unreasonable and I should have just let them stay.
I tried to put the shoe on the other foot and make the point that he never stays at my parents house if we've been there late into an evening, as he always says he wants to be at home to relax. I don't have a choice or anywhere to escape to when his family put themselves upon us!
Maybe it is a blessing in disguise in some ways. Maybe there is a more generous woman out there than me who wouldn't mind people staying at their house.

OP posts:

DoesThisMakeSence · 14/09/2020 00:57

[quote IwishThatYouWereHere]@DoesThisMakeSence The thing is the majority of the major arguments we have had over the 9 years we've had together have been to do with his family. The fact we had zero arguments apart from the small bicker here and there over lockdown spoke volumes to me. I'd never tell him its me or them, I just wish he would have my back more when it came to them.[/quote]
This was me and my dp to a tee. We only ever argued about his family and their toxic ways.
I love my dp and he has greatly changed but he will never be my husband. Every so often his family try to hoover him back in with their nonsence. Most of the time he shakes it off but i still see the guilt he feels for rebuffing them. So in my eyes, in the off chance he lets me down with regard to them, it is easier and quicker for us to separate as a couple than as a married couple.

abstractprojection · 14/09/2020 01:13

OP your future in-laws are being completely unreasonable, and your BIL is being a complete shit saying he won’t come.

This is dangerous stuff so don’t act hastily but I’d be very tempted to put my foot down and say your family can use out house as they like for the two days while I’m at my families and then bugger off or your find a honeymoon ASAP and they can stay for the duration of that, but regardless I expect the house empty and as I left it when I’m back and if it’s not turn back round to your parents and come home once he’s sorted it.

If he doesn’t stand up for you now he never will. Equally if you don’t stand up for yourself now the same will always be expected of you. This is a lifelong commitment not just to him but them as well, and the dynamic that you all have between yourselves. Maybe this is why their fighting so hard to have it their way

abstractprojection · 14/09/2020 01:15

To make clear I wouldn’t have the in-laws prior to my departure to my own parents if there is any chance of them causing trouble

abstractprojection · 14/09/2020 01:18

@BlueThistles

Treating you like this days before the big day is a disgrace.. Your Fiancee is a disloyal Dick, his Brother is a cheap arsed Dick, your MIL and FIL are cheap arsed insensitive Pricks. Anyone who thinks any of this 'crashing at yours' before/during/after your Wedding is deeply selfish insensitive and fucking arrogantly rude.

I'd be telling ALL of them to piss off. Weddings can be rescheduled. 🌺

I mean rescheduling or even cancelling a wedding is not the end of the world. What matters is the rest of your life

Original poster

IwishThatYouWereHere · 14/09/2020 01:29

If IANBU.. why is everyone (including DP) making me feel like I am? I don't understand whats so criminal about having a say over who sets up camp in your own home?

OP posts:

Happynow001 · 14/09/2020 01:56

@dollypartonscoat

"its always me! Its me who tidies the house, changes the beds before and after.. does the washing and picks up for them while there here. But oh.. he does the cooking! So in their eyes he's domestic god and I'm lazy cow! never mind that they would be sleeping on my snotty 4 year old's paw patrol bedding if it wasn't for me who sorts it out!"

That's your life and on top of it he doesn't back you up and he gives you the silent treatment? Why why why are you marrying him. I could not be attracted to that

I'm adding my voice to those questioning just why you'd want to enmesh your life further, into a marital contract, with a man who just doesn't have your back? Who doesn't have the maturity to say to his entitled family that they need to make other arrangements for their accommodation? And, I'm sorry, he's a bit of a hypocrite as well, as he's expecting you to behave one way with his encroaching family but he behaves differently where your family are concerned.

You are not the selfish one in thus relationship here, OP.

Just think, this will be your life from now on... 🌹

Nikori · 14/09/2020 02:02

I also can’t imagine anyone asking to go and stay with someone on their wedding night unless they had asked me to help with childcare. It’s crazy! They are being very selfish here. I also agree with the others that I’d postpone the wedding. Blame covid, but maybe you need some time and space to consider whether this is really the right man for you, because he sounds pretty horrible to me.

Bubblebu · 14/09/2020 02:34

I wish

Do you have a garden? Do you have a tent? If you dont have a tent could you borrow one?
Put up the tent and tell disgruntled relative(s) here is a photo of your free wedding accommodation at ours.

Please bring sleeping bags.
You're welcome!

Oncemorewithfeelin · 14/09/2020 02:59

Whilst his parents are there I would do nothing for them. He can change bedding and clear up after them. I would be tempted to stay at parents without the kids for an extra day to de stress before the wedding.

Your partner and his family are making you feel unreasonable because they are in a huff coz they can’t get their own way.

Maybe you should tell him you won’t be attending the wedding unless you get your own way!

LunaNorth · 14/09/2020 03:26

Please don’t marry this man, OP.

You’re clearly already in a one-down position in the relationship, which is affecting your ability to see the wood for the trees. You’re questioning yourself over something that the whole of the sane world can see is totally unreasonable - and were fully expecting to be told YOU were the unreasonable one, because that’s what you’re used to.

Shock the lot of the selfish fuckers rigid and call the whole thing off. And dump the bloke. He’ll have to learn his way round the washing machine then, won’t he?

The sound like a load of pompous, puffed-up pricks who need deflating.

Sunnyjac · 14/09/2020 04:03

The rule of six will not end in two weeks! They are being ridiculous

Wiredforsound · 14/09/2020 04:17

Your ‘D’P sounds like a dick. Why do you want to marry him at all? He sounds like he doesn’t give a shit about your feelings.

Notsofast1 · 14/09/2020 04:25

My family all live over 600 miles away in the north of Scotland, I live on the south coast of England. We didnt have a single person ask to stay at our house before or after the wedding because frankly 1. They would have been told to sod off, and 2. It's really not an acceptable thing to do. They treated it like a holiday, all came down together and got a holiday for a long weekend. We purposely booked a hotel big enough to accommodate everyone (as this was pre covid so had over 100 people travelling) and then had a bbq the day after the wedding to see everyone. Have you considered that the police could consider lots of people in your house a gathering/party and fine you £10000 fixed penalty notice?! I'm sure that wouldn't be the best start to married life....
Most normal people would travel 250 miles for 2 nights away, I dont see why they feel the need to have an extended break.....

Pretenditsaplan · 14/09/2020 04:31

Its called gaslighting. It seems like a way of life for the whole family

Rainagain72 · 14/09/2020 04:36

The brother not coming to the wedding isn’t your fault OP so don’t let his family suggest you’ve caused friction there...the brother isn’t coming to the wedding because he’s too tight to pay out for a hotel or can’t be arsed to drive down on the day. He can’t care about your DP very much...it’s bad form on his part.

timeisnotaline · 14/09/2020 04:45

I tried to put the shoe on the other foot and make the point that he never stays at my parents house if we've been there late into an evening, as he always says he wants to be at home to relax.
What a selfish fucking tosser in every respect. Marry him and you will always be treated like a no one who is only there to do the work. I seriously urge you to think of cancelling. You could call it postponing to start with. It’s your wedding and your dp doesn’t give a shit how you feel. You will remember it as his family invading and having strangers around if brothers gf comes and this is the guy who won’t even stay at your parents house (if you do postpone and give him a chance write yourself a list of things caring partners do - one is not be a complete bloody hypocrite and agree you can all stay at your parents, he doesn’t need to go home to relax when he doesn’t think you deserve any relax time as he fills the house with lazy sods while you prepare for your wedding, others are turn the washing machine on and change some bedsheets, there are lots more...)

timeisnotaline · 14/09/2020 04:47

If you have to say anything to your dp right now make it ‘you are upset because while you know your brother has always been a selfish jerk, you’re hurt realising that extends to you and he doesn’t care enough to make an effort to come to your wedding. Don’t take his shit out on me.’

TitsOutForHarambe · 14/09/2020 04:48

This whole thing is absolutely nuts! YANBU about any of it. His family are ridiculous and sound unbelievably selfish and inconsiderate. It must be suffocating for you.

Are you sure you want to marry into this..?

mathanxiety · 14/09/2020 04:58

YANBU.

And you should call off the wedding. I am serious about this.

Your partner is useless around the house and up to his back teeth in all the family drama.

Do you really need him? He isn't putting you first or even third here.