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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To not want a house full in the run up to the wedding?

185 replies

IwishThatYouWereHere · 13/09/2020 22:06

We get married in a couple of weeks. We live in a 3 bed with 2 children. DP's parent's live away so are going to stay with us before and after the wedding. DP's brother and his girlfriend also live away and we said they could stay on the sofa (we don't have any spare rooms) the night before the wedding as I'd be at my parents and the night of the wedding as we would be at the hotel. They then asked if they could stay a couple of days before the wedding and the night after. I said no as it'll mean we are breaking the 'rule of 6' should it be in place still and also I don't want my house full in the lead up to the wedding as I'll be stressed as it is and just want to relax. AIBU?

OP posts:
Original poster
IwishThatYouWereHere · 13/09/2020 22:45

@copperoliver I understand it is just an extra few night where in a normal world that didn't have a 6 person household limit and it wasn't in the lead up to my wedding I would just bite my tongue and put up with it. But there would be no point them coming early as me and DP are both all over with appointments, I'll be stressed sorting out things for the wedding, making sure we all have everything we need for staying away during and after the wedding, keeping the house tidy.. just general lead up to a wedding stress? I would be stressed enough if it was just the 4 of us at home never mind adding an extra 4 people to the mix, 1 of whom I've not met before. Our house is tiny, small living room (where they would sleep) a kitchen downstairs, small bathroom, our room and the 2 children's room - 1 of which is being used by PIL. I'm just upset as I said to DP please support me on this and that the Friday and Saturday is ok but no more. And he agreed. Then they asked today if they can stay more, he said no as it'll be too much stress and he's now said they won't be coming. To be honest if this wedding actually happens I'm going to be less reserved in telling them what I think! So now DP's gone to bed and told me ''not to talk to him'' strangely enough in lockdown we got on brilliantly when other people weren't involved! Also we don't get on with our neighbours overly well and I'm sure they wouldn't hesitate to shop us in if they got wind that we were over the 6 person limit in our house.

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frazzledasarock · 13/09/2020 22:46

@copperoliver

It's only 2 extra days out of your life rather than cause your husband upset which may go on for a long time. Surely it's about what he wants too and he clearly wants his family at his wedding. X
It’s not up to OP, she’ll be breaking the law if she allows them to stay at her house the extra days.
Original poster
IwishThatYouWereHere · 13/09/2020 22:46

@Throckmorton Yep he's gone to bed without saying goodnight, sent me screenshots of messages from his brother and told me 'not to talk to him' he'll sulk for a good while now..

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Throckmorton · 13/09/2020 22:50

Why on earth are you marrying this emotionally abusive man?

Original poster
IwishThatYouWereHere · 13/09/2020 22:52

@Throckmorton I feel as though its me thats out of order - hence the asking in the AIBU thread.. its as though its everyone against me. I haven't spoken to any of my friends about it but there's only my mum who seems to see my point. PIL, DP and clearly his brother and girlfriend think its just me being an awkward bitch..

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Iminaglasscaseofemotion · 13/09/2020 22:54

Why do they need to stay so long? 5 nights for a wedding!

Original poster
IwishThatYouWereHere · 13/09/2020 22:55

I was even willing to let them sleep in our bed on our wedding night when we wouldn't be there (meaning I'd have the beds to sort on top of everything else) so they weren't on the sofa but even that isn't enough..

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Throckmorton · 13/09/2020 22:56

Even if you were being awkward (you're not), sulking is not the way nice people handle conflicts in relationships. He clearly also has form for this. Honestly - is this how you want the rest of your life to be?

Original poster
IwishThatYouWereHere · 13/09/2020 22:57

@Iminaglasscaseofemotion I have no idea.. you tell me! I mean they have to travel so coming the day before and leaving the day after fair enough. Its so ''we can spend time together and get to know his new girlfriend before the wedding'' I'm sorry any other time thats all well and good but not in the lead up to the wedding and not on my sofa for 5 nights! Its laughable really..

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Iminaglasscaseofemotion · 13/09/2020 23:00

I couldn't think of anything worse than sleeping on someone's sofa for 5 nights. They are being really weird and your dp is being a total dick. Bet it won't be him doing the running about getting the house ready for them coming.

Original poster
IwishThatYouWereHere · 13/09/2020 23:01

@Throckmorton What do you think? Am I being out of order.. I mean its too late now and the toys have well and truly been thrown out of the pram.. but do you think I should just've said they could stay?
He's saying its cos its to do with his family thats why I'm saying no etc etc.. no its because his family always like to use our house as a hotel! I don't like people staying over and I don't like staying at other people's houses at the best of times!
It just angers me how he can't see my point at all. Maybe I should call off the full fucking thing. Then him and his family can have all the sleepovers they like. He can share a bed with them for all I care at the moment I'm so upset. No one ever sees my point.

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Original poster
IwishThatYouWereHere · 13/09/2020 23:02

@Iminaglasscaseofemotion No of course it won't.. its always me! Its me who tidies the house, changes the beds before and after.. does the washing and picks up for them while there here. But oh.. he does the cooking! So in their eyes he's domestic god and I'm lazy cow! never mind that they would be sleeping on my snotty 4 year old's paw patrol bedding if it wasn't for me who sorts it out!

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Original poster
IwishThatYouWereHere · 13/09/2020 23:03

while they're here not there. I'm that angry I'm typing too fast!

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WhoseKids · 13/09/2020 23:04

I wouldn't let them stay even before COVID restrictions. It really isn't on for your DH to be to sulk.

BackforGood · 13/09/2020 23:05

Of course YANBU.
Even without the COVID situation, that is an unreasonable expectation.
I am generally all for mucking in together / sleeping on someone's sofa in life and am regularly surprised on MN how often people seem to throw a couple of hundred pounds at staying at hotels, but even I would consider it unreasonable for a couple getting married to be hosting their family in their home before and straight after their wedding.

I think you have been incredibly generous to even consider hosting your PiLs and your BiL for the amount of time you have offered. I wouldn't have. (for the wedding, I'd have been happy for a couple of nights at another time).
Again though, even without the wedding, and even without COVID, I'd still feel a couple of nights was the upper limit. It just isn't practical when you don't have spare guest rooms and spare bathrooms.

Your dp is being ridiculous.

Original poster
IwishThatYouWereHere · 13/09/2020 23:07

@WhoseKids He just does not see my point at all. Or maybe he might have done slightly hence why he told them no, only Friday and Saturday and now they've spat the dummy out and said in that case he won't be coming then he's now fallen out with me and said its my fault. I don't give a shit. I couldn't care less if I don't see the lot of them again. Sick of trying to keep them sweet.

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Houseplantmad · 13/09/2020 23:08

No way in hell would I want this before and after my wedding. Sounds as if they're not a great loss to the day...

CokeyCola · 13/09/2020 23:09

Are you sure you want to marry into this selfish family?

Honeyroar · 13/09/2020 23:11

Even without Covid the days before your wedding can be stressful with last minute arrangements and the days after it you’re exhausted. I’d not want a houseful of guests either. If your fiancé and his family can’t work that out they’re thoughtless. But the Covid situation gives another extra reason to say no. The fact that they’re all still grumbling and trying to blackmail you into changing your mind by saying they’re not coming just underlines the fact that they’re a selfish bunch. As does your future husband’s sulking and texts. Are you sure you want to marry into this childish family??

yolio · 13/09/2020 23:13

Guestzillas. Feck the lot of them, they sound so selfish and self absorbed. It is your day.

I know what I would do, but would probably be banned for life for saying it. lol.

DoesThisMakeSence · 13/09/2020 23:15

Even if covid had not happened, i still wouldn't have let them stay.
You have a stressful time ahead trying to organise the last details. That will be made a good lot harder with 6 adults and 2 dc in the house.
Then after the wedding when you want to have your little happy bubble, you get to come home to a tip of a house and start changing used beds.
Not a chance!
And tell the beloved groom if he doesnt get out his wee sulk he wont have a bride to be at the wedding never mind his bloody brother.
Are you 100% sure Op 🤣🤣🤣(only joking of course)

Throckmorton · 13/09/2020 23:16

Mate - what sort of twat demands to stay with the bride and groom before their wedding - it's clear you'll be kinda busy! Fair enough if you offer, or if they ask nicely, but demanding?! I would honestly have a long think about whether your DP treats you with respect, if this is an equal partnership, and if this is a relationship dynamic you want to model for your kids. From this one snapshot, he doesn't sound like much of a catch.

Original poster
IwishThatYouWereHere · 13/09/2020 23:17

I've just gone upstairs and said his brother might be saying he's sick of the bullshit but so I am. I said we kindly offered our own bed on our wedding night and even that wasn't good enough, said I couldn't care less if I never see him again as I don't have to like him. DP didn't even speak.
Exactly we have appointments in the lead up to the wedding, silly things like I'm having my tan done and anyone who has had a tan done knows you look like you've been mud slinging after! I'd feel embarrassed in my own house? I don't want to be entertaining anyone or doing all the washing up after them. I just want to chill out on the sofa in my PJ's and try to relax before the stressful day to come!
I'm seriously having second thoughts...
when I posted I expected quite a few messages of being told IABU as that's how I've been made to feel.

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SengaMac · 13/09/2020 23:28

Of course YANBU.

You had the arrangements made and now they are demanding extra nights, not just asking and then accepting your answer like normal people would do.

Why should you be expected to cave in to nasty, bullying texts from his brother?
And sulking is an attempt to bully too, btw.

Talk it over with your Mum.

Original poster
IwishThatYouWereHere · 13/09/2020 23:30

@Throckmorton His parents are staying with us anyway, they've used the excuse they'll stay in case we have any kind of honeymoon. Ok, whatever.. DC can share rooms and I don't feel too awkward leaving them to their own devices or getting on with what I have to do with them here. But to have his brother and his new girlfriend staying too when we don't even have an actual bedroom for them on top of it being the days before the wedding is just insane? If I was the girlfriend I would be saying I don't want to intrude?? I get stressed with tidying when I've got a friend coming for a coffee never mind when I have people I haven't met coming to stay!

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