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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Boarding school

303 replies

BlackbirdFirst · 13/09/2020 20:40

Aibu to consider boarding for dd when she hits y7?
Is it fun like a sleepover all the time?
Its mixed day and boarding.
Part of the reason is that I seem very lazy (mixture of medical issues) and although I do try to be active, I have long periods where I need to sleep.
I don't want her thinking this is all normal, I want her to be with people who fill their day doing things. From my short experience of boarding school this is what happens - lots to do, I guess to stave off boredom.
Life is full of great things to do, but she sees her mum barely doing any of them.
Boarding will also help with making female friendships work, which is something I have always struggled with too.

OP posts:
toconclude · 13/09/2020 20:41

Too young imo

BabyLlamaZen · 13/09/2020 20:43

How is your relationship with her? What would she think?

Surely as your mum she knows what you're going through and will work out normality from normal day school?

People I know at boarding school tended not to be that close to their parents. Very mixed reviews. Ask her. :)

Lockheart · 13/09/2020 20:45

It's up to you. Your daughter may love it or hate it.

I was a day pupil at boarding schools throughout my school days. Even in the 90s there were boarders much younger than Y7.

RedHelenB · 13/09/2020 20:46

How does she feel about it? I know some schools allow partial boarding.

user32723 · 13/09/2020 20:47

All the activities all the time are not to stave off boredom, but to stop children dwelling on their abandonment and attachment issues. Just check our Boarding School Survivors support groups to find out how an ex border really feels. Boarding is suitable for 16+ only imo. Year 7 is still so young, they need down time and love from their parents, not a house mistress/master. They need to be woken up by a parent not a bell. They need to not feel like an inconvenience during the most vulnerable emotional years of their life.

riotlady · 13/09/2020 20:47

Too young to be away from parents imo, I don’t understand it at all except in exceptional circumstances.
Do you have a partner or any family members who can take her out and do things?

Disfordarkchocolate · 13/09/2020 20:49

I think Y7 is a fairly common age to start boarding school. I would have been OK, my youngest absolutely not.

bridgetreilly · 13/09/2020 20:50

When you say it's mixed day and boarding, do you mean that there is a flexible option so that she could board some nights, but be home some of the time too? If so, I think that's well worth exploring. Weekly boarding might also be a good option.

I went to boarding school when I was ten and mostly had a really good experience. But in the much longer term, I don't think it's been a brilliant thing for my relationships with the rest of my family. It's actually quite important to have to go through the hideous teenage years together, and to learn how to relate to your parents as an adult. So I would be very nervous about full-time boarding, especially at this stage. For sixth form, maybe.

Crylittlesister · 13/09/2020 20:50

Bear in mind, that as she is getting older, the "active " parenting, the park and play date stuff, lessens and then disappears, so your role will not be so bodily present in the same way. Can you not plan lovely things to do during the periods you feel well, even if it's just pizza and a film and a good chat?
For full disclosure, mine boards so I'm not anti it!

MirandaMarple · 13/09/2020 20:50

My Husband went to boarding school from age 11-16. Apart from couple of weeks of settling in, if he's asked how it was he says they were the best years of his life. He has a brilliant group of friends from his time there who are a huge part of his life, still.

Iseethesilverlining · 13/09/2020 20:50

My DD started boarding year 7 - full time overseas boarder first and later weekly boarder. In the whole the girls love it, they have so many extra-curricula opportunities and great friendships. And we have a really great Mum/daughter bond as well. But very important to choose the right school - they all have different expertise and some are more academic, some more sporty... I thoroughly recommend.

Deltoids1 · 13/09/2020 20:51

We have various people with disabilities in our family and that has curtailed many aspects of our lives as we all are carers.
Whilst you might see it as your DD missing out, she might see you sending her away as rejection.
Your family is your team, and DD does not know any different than the family she’s been brought up in.

Thehop · 13/09/2020 20:51

I weekly boarded from year 7, and often chose to stay at the weekend to do activities. I loved it and am gutted I can’t afford private school for my children. Though only 1 of mine would enjoy boarding.

Original poster
BlackbirdFirst · 13/09/2020 20:51

We are close and we have read a lot of Malory Towers together.
I would have loved to board from younger so perhaps that's skewing my idea.
There is the option of flexi boarding and perhaps she would step it up from Y9. I will check out if that is an option.
She isn't sure if she would like to yet we need to look around.
She does get out and do things but it me who is the bad example.

OP posts:
Doubletrouble99 · 13/09/2020 20:52

At the prep. school my children were at and some senior schools I know you can opt for part time boarding so she could try 2 or three nights a week which could help you and take the pressure off then if you were having a bad period she could stay a few more nights. But hopefully a fee days rest bit for you could help your health situation.

DalzielandPaxo · 13/09/2020 20:52

I adored boarding school. Not every kid has a good time though so listen to her if she’s telling you she’s not. Otherwise it can be a frightening and isolating experience. But if she’s on board and keen to go, it can be a wonderful experience.

bridgetreilly · 13/09/2020 20:52

All the activities all the time are not to stave off boredom, but to stop children dwelling on their abandonment and attachment issues.

This is not the universal experience. In my experience, people knew whether they had been sent away because their parents loved them and wanted the best for them, or because they were an inconvenience. For the former, it was mostly fine, for the latter, it rarely was. Plus, as I say, these days, there are lots more in-between options of flexi or weekly boarding. It's not all or nothing.

TheLastStarfighter · 13/09/2020 20:53

It sounds like you would be doing it out of love and wanting the best of her, but personal I think it’s a bad idea.

I went to a mixed (boarding and day) school. A lot of the boarders were really messed up. I didn’t know anyone who felt good about it. I boarded briefly and felt abandoned, like I was just too much trouble for family.

I’m sure there are exceptions. I have a friend who’s DS begged to go to a particular boarding school because of their sports program increasing his Olympic chances. But I think that’s the exception.

WouldBeGood · 13/09/2020 20:53

Are you for real, @BlackbirdFirst?

chatterbugmegastar · 13/09/2020 20:56

We are close and we have read a lot of Malory Towers together.

🤪😂

AriettyHomily · 13/09/2020 20:56

@BlackbirdFirst

We are close and we have read a lot of Malory Towers together. I would have loved to board from younger so perhaps that's skewing my idea. There is the option of flexi boarding and perhaps she would step it up from Y9. I will check out if that is an option. She isn't sure if she would like to yet we need to look around. She does get out and do things but it me who is the bad example.
It won't be faucking Mallory towers. Wake up and look into it properly.
Mrsjayy · 13/09/2020 20:58

Just because you have health problems please don't think you are a bad role model for your daughter regardless of deciding to send her to boarding or not you are her mum and your health isn't your fault.

Heronwatcher · 13/09/2020 21:00

Aren’t there things you can do instead? Boarding school seems a bit all or nothing. Could she do more clubs at school, or more extra curricular activities, or could you even think about hiring a sort of au pair to do stuff with her? Do you have a partner or wider family who she can go to? Once she’s a bit older (not long after year 7) surely she’ll be hanging out with friends and frankly won’t miss you! Also if you explain why you are less active then I am sure she would understand and not think it is “the norm.” Not a criticism but it seems like a bit of a knee jerk reaction and more to do about you feeling guilty. Of course it’s different in all cases but I would 100% rather have had a secure home life with a less active mum than gone to boarding school.

Hoppinggreen · 13/09/2020 21:02

Yes, it’s totally like Mallory Towers

Thighdentitycrisis · 13/09/2020 21:02

Please don’t ask her if she fancies it?
Children want to please parents and may think there is a right answer.
7 is way too young to “decide” to leave your main career. Most children adapt to boarding but wouldn’t choose it