Boarding school

[BlackbirdFirst]

Aibu to consider boarding for dd when she hits y7?
Is it fun like a sleepover all the time?
Its mixed day and boarding.
Part of the reason is that I seem very lazy (mixture of medical issues) and although I do try to be active, I have long periods where I need to sleep.
I don't want her thinking this is all normal, I want her to be with people who fill their day doing things. From my short experience of boarding school this is what happens - lots to do, I guess to stave off boredom.
Life is full of great things to do, but she sees her mum barely doing any of them.
Boarding will also help with making female friendships work, which is something I have always struggled with too.

DH went to Boarding school when he was 8 til he was 18. He hated it, however his brother and sister loved it.
We could never have sent our DD away to school.
Also, I went to a Comp and used to dream of what Boarding school would be like. Now in reality I realise I went to a fab school with some amazing teachers that I’ve never forgotten. Maybe take off the rose tinted specs and do some real research into it.

I boarded from age 12 until university. I didn’t want to go. Suffice to say, I am not close to either of my parents and have overachieved in many respects but I still struggle to open up to others. I would never, ever board any of my four children. If they really, really wanted to board for sixth form, I would consider it but otherwise, no. A part of me died when I was sent away.

I was a boarder from age 7 to 18. DO NOT DO IT. It will destroy your child.

In response to all the boarding stories of people’s youth, These have limited relevance as boarding looks totally different now than it did even 15 years ago. I can’t stress the importance of it being the child’s choice at the time that works for them, some are ready at 7 years old, others never, I’ve known kids refuse so much as a sleepover at a friends and then suddenly want to board for 6th form and become the life and soul of the boarding house. I get a window into modern boarding when I FaceTime DS and its less Mallory towers more hall of residence at university. His prep school boarding house was much more nurturing, far more staff and more ridged structure, Lots of Lovely matrons to help get them to bed, remind them to brush their teeth bedtime cocoa and Crisps as a reward for keeping the dorm tidy, an audio story played at bedtime for young ones or half an hour reading before lights out, that kind of thing. I’d speak to him at bed time each night and occasionally I’d pop by and see him in person during the evening routine and it was much more Mallory towers, loads of banter, a very happy environment. In senior school (year 9 upwards) they are more independent. I called DS this evening he was in the kitchen Making coffee with his mates waiting for their pizza to be delivered. He loves the buzz of living in a boarding house but his friend has decided she is going back to day after 4 years boarding because she prefers the exact opposite and is fed up of constant social interaction, she wants to go home, shut her door and not have people wanting her to join in with stuff. Some kids love it, some don’t. If they are badly home sick it wasn’t the right choice at the right time.

an audio story played at bedtime for young ones

Christ. Whether or not the OP is genuine, this makes me want to weep.

I guess I don’t really understand women who can’t cope without their kids.

Not wanting your children to board = can't cope without your kids? Ok...

DH and his siblings all went to boarding school. I think it's very telling that none of them wanted their own children to board.

@RubyAberdeen We looked at a number of schools at varying distances from home. The one we chose was stood out , it suited DS’s personality and just had that feeling it was the one. It was doable as a day student But DS wanted to board so we let him, had it not worked out then he could have gone day. He hated (still does) getting up in the morning and boarding bought him an extra hour in bed, he could roll out, get dressed wander down to breakfast where the kind of spread he would never have got at home was provided by which time he was waking up, no time wasted on journey time, If he wanted to see me or I him I was close enough to pop in regularly and I did this lots early on but progressively less as he got older. He was also home at weekends early on. He is very pro boarding life because he loves all the people and social scene, There is always someone to kick a ball with at school where as we live rurally and so he is more isolated here. I miss him more than he misses me but we are very close.

@hammeringinmyhead

an audio story played at bedtime for young ones

Christ. Whether or not the OP is genuine, this makes me want to weep.

Why? the kids liked it, I think it was to promote quiet and calm as they’d all be bouncing around wrestling with friends and generally hyped up. A story gave them a chance to change their head space, have you never listened to music or a pod cast etc to relax you before bed?

I boarded in the 80s. 2 of my now grown up kids boarded too.

I loved every single minute. I went in Year 6. Year 9 was tough but then it is at day school for most girls with hormones etc. Boarding for me was a wonderful experience. I loved the structure, the friendships just the whole lifestyle. Not all that i boarded with felt the same. A couple absolutely hated it.

Out if my 2 that went.. My now 22yo says she loved it. It's prepared her well for so much. She's had many fond memories.
My now 19yo says it was ok. But I know she struggled in Year 8. So much so I took her out and put her into day school. Just sat here with her now. She went in Year 6 and says Y6 and 7 were fun and good. Y8, squabbles and friendship issues ruined it for her (her words). There was no escape from the bitches (her words). I noticed a change in her towards Easter if Y8, gave a terms notice at the start if the summer term and she started at day school in Y9.
She says day school was shit in comparison. Just not the same bonds, work ethic, team spirit etc Overall she wishes shed stuck with boarding is what she's just said, but that could be rose tinted glasses speaking, maybe.

Basically it depends on your relationship, the child and the school. Get all 3 right and it can be good. If 1 isn't right then it's probably not going to work.

I only know of 2 people who went to boarding school, because they were an inconvenience to their parents. Both female, both very young.
It definitely fucked them up.
It also affected their poor choices in relationships etc in adult life.
(They tell me this).

I'm sure loads of children have an amazing time, but it depends why you are going and if you fit in well.

@Bumfuzzled I boarded from the age of 8. I'll reiterate, I did, and do, have a deep and meaningful relationship with my parents. I'm sorry that your experience affected your relationship with your parents. That's very sad. However, you cannot generalise so hugely as to say that all children that board have that experience and that all parents of boarders are deluded if they think they have a meaningful relationship with their children. It's both unfair and untrue. Your experience does not dictate that of all others. This is something I think a lot of people seem to be struggling with on this thread, the ability to isolate their own experiences as just that, their own, personal experiences.

I must admit the people who I know boarded was from a long time ago. My dad in particular but while he hated boarding school he was very close to his mum. At 22 he left Ireland and set up his own business (no easy task in the 60s) in England. He says the experience of boarding school made him more independent and able to rely on himself. I'm not sure if that's a good thing though.
Trouble with boarding school is that if you're being bullied or struggling with the work and social interaction there is no break and it might not be so easy to turn to a teacher or tell your parents. That's my main concern.

I can't read any more of this thread without coming in to say I have Complex PTSD from my experiences of boarding school from the age of 8. I know things will have changed since my day but many of the most important traumas are inherent to the system - like the abandonment just for starters.

Too many people on here have warned you not to - please listen to them and do please research into 'boarding school survivors' - we are victims of neglect at the very least, and often much worse and there's not a thing we can do about it. We were powerless then and are powerless now - we just have to live with the consequences.

And no, I didn't tell my parents what it was like until I was in my 40s. People are mistaken to think you'll tell your parents if you are unhappy. You don't tell anyone what's going on. Because like with all forms of abuse and neglect you feel ashamed. You think you were somehow to blame, that you must be a horrible person if the people that you loved and trusted suddenly send you away to a scary place where strangers treat you terribly, so you're hardly going to tell the people who sent you there in case they leave you there forever. You learn to wear a mask and become a brilliant actor - that's what gets you through, but you lose yourself in the process of surviving.

And what @Rosebel just said is absolutely spot on - there is no escape, no switching off at the school bell, or at mealtimes, or at bedtime or any other time. It's relentless.

To return to the question though - it sounds like you are going a great job of being a mother to your child under difficult circumstances.

Your child needs you there as her mum - that's her most important requirement from you. If you are thinking of boarding school could you not put the money into other types of help in the home and garden that would free you up from housework, shopping etc so the time you spend with your daughter will be quality time?

@toastfiend well done, good for you, I’m glad going to boarding school from the age of 8 had no impact on your relationship with your parents. However, plenty of people I personally know had similar experiences to me. In my experience people like you are the exception not the rule, so lucky you. Even if it is only a small proportion of children who go who are affected in this way, it’s a risk I’m not prepared to take with my own children.

It is so removed from real life, becoming institutionalised in the process, how do you develop emotional intelligence in these settings, this is so important for most jobs/professions these days.

I went to private day school where a couple of the girls were bullies in a very sadistic way, I can't imagine being trapped with them at night time!

I live with an alcoholic hoarder who boarded.
He resents his mother
His sibling who I'm quite close to doesnt speak to her mother now.
He used to be permitted into her dorm to comfort her through the homesickness
She now comforts him through his alcohlism.
It's sad. Be careful to know your child well op. It works for some people. It fucks others up.

I think for it to work it depends on your daughter and her temperament. Also if she hates it, have a quit date that she can say she gave it a fair shot but it she'd rather not continue.

I started in Year 3 as did my sister - way too young and quite traumatic. My sister refused to go back after Y6. I saw it through until 6th form. My brother started in Y7 and I think had the best experience because he was older and at an age where a little independence wouldn't hurt. I think I would have coped better if I started in Y7. I started earliert because the alternative was move schools and be a day pupil in a different school at Y3 and I'm not convinced I would have adjusted well to a new town and a new school. My sister would not have coped at any stage - she is still struggling being away from home for uni despite being in her final year.

You know your daughter and what is best for her.

@BlackbirdFirst I read Malory Towers before going to boarding school It wasn't like the books but I did love it. I went from 8-18 so much younger than your daughter. Y7 is a very normal age to start at most schools, even more from Y9.

You will get a lot of negative responses on here but in my experience it totally depends on the family and children involved. I'm one of 4 and we all boarded (although we all started at different ages). We all had a positive experience. At my school, I would say 90% of boarders had a great time and it just wasn't the right place for a few. I've since worked in boarding and would say the same as an adult.

Options like flexi or weekly boarding are much more common now, look into those. And only board her if she's totally sold on the idea.

My parents always said we could come home any time we wanted and I think knowing that made it easier, although we never played that card. It genuinely felt like an adventure. We looked forward to the start of term. My closest friends even now are the friends I made as a boarder. (And I still speak to my mum on the phone most days despite now living on the other side of the world - it doesn't necessarily ruin family relationships!)

No.

It’s perfectly morally acceptable to draw your salary from an institution you thoroughly disapprove of though?

I would imagine many people draw their salary from an institution they thoroughly disapprove of. Not everyone has the means to wait around until a job which fits all their moral criteria becomes available.

Made lifelong friendships and I look back at my school days with such fondness.

And people who didn't go to boarding school don't make lifelong friendships or look back on their school days with fondness?

My sister went to 1 year of boarding school and my parents sold up the farm and moved closer to a town so we could be just day students because they didn’t like the changes in my oldest sister and knew she needed more support.

It’s emotionally traumatic and for some emotionally stunting.
Lifelong friendship or Trauma bonding?