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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Boarding school

303 replies

BlackbirdFirst · 13/09/2020 20:40

Aibu to consider boarding for dd when she hits y7?
Is it fun like a sleepover all the time?
Its mixed day and boarding.
Part of the reason is that I seem very lazy (mixture of medical issues) and although I do try to be active, I have long periods where I need to sleep.
I don't want her thinking this is all normal, I want her to be with people who fill their day doing things. From my short experience of boarding school this is what happens - lots to do, I guess to stave off boredom.
Life is full of great things to do, but she sees her mum barely doing any of them.
Boarding will also help with making female friendships work, which is something I have always struggled with too.

OP posts:
Devlesko · 13/09/2020 21:45

You must know exactly how she feels about it through reading the books though.
What noises was she making, you must have discussed it, even if lightly.
I mean mine joked about lacrosse and how unreal it was for example. How rich the people were and how it was obvious, the different characters and relationships etc.
Talk to her but in a non "do you want to go way"

TatianaBis · 13/09/2020 21:47

[quote Shedpaint]@TatianaBis you don’t understand women who can’t
cope without their kids?

I don’t understand women or men who can detach themselves so easily from their children when they are young and don’t feel they want to be the ones who care for them, listen to their daily stories and enjoy their company day to day[/quote]
If you’re under the mistaken impression my kids are boarders, they’re not. They’re welcome to go if they want. I pack them off to France in the summer and enjoy the peace. One of my sister’s sends all her kids boarding - she’s completely fine and so are they.

Do you judge women who put their kids in nursery too?

GetOffYourHighHorse · 13/09/2020 21:47

Why are people saying y7 is too young? It's 11.

It all depends on her, if she'd like it. Boarding schools are nothing like the old days. Some kids thrive.

That said don't do it because you think you aren't enough op. If you have medical issues that mean you need a lot of rest she's old enough to help out and get herself around independently.

Devlesko · 13/09/2020 21:47

This post cannot be for real!

Considering I fall for it everytime, you're probably right.

Fink · 13/09/2020 21:48

It depends so much on the personality of the child that no one can really say who doesn't know your dd. If you think it might work then flexi boarding to start with might be an option, but make sure it's a school that is genuinely offering a good experience for day and boarding pupils - some schools are heavily focused on boarders and the day pupils tend to miss out (I worked in one like that).

SimonJT · 13/09/2020 21:49

My boyfriend boarded from 8-18, he hated it and has a fairly poor relationship with his parents, as after the age of eight he wasn’t around them to experience a parent/child relationship. They became more like an aunt/uncle you see a few times a year.

He now has a much younger brother, they won’t be sending him to boarding school as they have learned from their mistake.

Blimeyoreilly2020 · 13/09/2020 21:50

DH & I both went to boarding (me from age 7, him from age 11). None of our children board.....Thing is, no teacher is ever going to put the same level of effort into supporting, helping and exploring your child’s interests as you will.

RedToothBrush · 13/09/2020 21:51

I know people who went. One thrived at school. One hated it. They both lack knowledge and skills in how to be part of a family unit. Emotionally stunted. They lacked a parental relationship which had an impact on their own ability to parent.

amitoooldforthisshit · 13/09/2020 21:53

go for it send them off as soon as you can so they get used to how its going to be

TatianaBis · 13/09/2020 21:54

My issue with boarding schools generally is that while there is much more of a cultural mix than there used to be, there’s not so much of a social mix. Everybody is basically rich.

Not everywhere is like that - Christ’s Hospital isn’t, Cranbrook is state boarding etc. But by and large they’re very expensive.

Intrepidintrovert · 13/09/2020 21:55

Why are people saying y7 is too young? It's 11.

Said in astonishment like people haven't realised it's 11. Like 11 is totally old enough to not need parents day to day or to live with their family. Like 11 is easily old enough to be a suitable age to be cared for by paid strangers.

Penelopeschat · 13/09/2020 21:58

@BlackbirdFirst maybe this is a good reason to chat to your GP about how to get more active? Set one goal per weekend of family outing where dd can see you being active and putting the effort in? I say this with no disrespect, I’m a parent with a mobility disability and know it can be extra hard but worth it imho!

Also, look into weekly boarding, home Friday nights to Mon am.

ScrommidgeClaryAndSpunt · 13/09/2020 22:00

My place (attended from 13-18, 1989-1994) was less Enid Blyton and more Irvine Welsh. It wasn't so much midnight feasts as 3am punishment beatings if you pissed off one of the prefects. It was tricky to escape the bullies, because you lived with them. Sure, there were good times but I have never once missed always having to look over my shoulder. Think very carefully.

DelurkingAJ · 13/09/2020 22:01

I went to a prep school where by age 8 lots of the boys were begging their parents to let them weekly board and adored it. You could also spot the minority who’d been packed off and they were miserable.

I weekly boarded for 6th form and that was amazing but given I could have got married and moved out by then...

I have mixed feelings about younger secondary aged kids. Depends so much on the child. Pre 13 I’d fret.

Devlesko · 13/09/2020 22:02

RubyAberdeen

Then think yourself lucky you have never been in that position, where you know it's selfish to stop your child from following their dream. Even though it means them boarding.
I miss my dd like mad when she is at school, we make up for it when she is at home. She has no friends here as lost touch, just me, dh, siblings and extended family.
It's been the making of her, but I still cry when she goes.
As do many other boarding school parents from many different schools, btw.

lioncitygirl · 13/09/2020 22:02

My husband was a boarder younger than that - it suited him. It dies some children, not so much others.

Tootletum · 13/09/2020 22:02

Not sure why there are so many arsy posts implying you don't love her. I think you should go for weekly boarding, assuming there is a school that offers that close enough to you. I boarded for 6th form, but it was because my parents were getting divorced and wanted me out of the way, so I had mixed feelings. But the friends are for life and the amount of studying I was able to do with no interruptions was fantastic.

Original poster
BlackbirdFirst · 13/09/2020 22:03

Thanks @Penelopeschat
Planning is the only way I can manage family things and we do have some fun times. At the moment she is in Y5 and I think her activity/school/family balance is good.
It's more looking to the future- how i will be so hypocritical asking her to revise /do homework when I am not really doing much of anything myself half the time.
Running the house is exhausting and then a few family things or a bit of light exercise and I am fucked basically.

OP posts:
GetOffYourHighHorse · 13/09/2020 22:04

'Said in astonishment like people haven't realised it's 11. Like 11 is totally old enough to not need parents day to day or to live with their family. Like 11 is easily old enough to be a suitable age to be cared for by paid strangers'

Yes I agree but some kids start at primary. If you're going to send kids to board secondary school age is surely better.

Alamindah · 13/09/2020 22:04

Enid Blyton has a lot to answer for! Boarding school is tough. Teenage years are hard, why make them harder? I boarded (11-17). I am making a different choice for my 3 children

lioncitygirl · 13/09/2020 22:05

^^ does

Londonmummy66 · 13/09/2020 22:06

Similar situation to you healthwise. Mine have only been able to board for 6th form as we couldn't afford it earlier but they love it and it would have been great for them when younger rather than having to put up with what I could cope with.

GO for it....

WouldBeGood · 13/09/2020 22:08

I would much rather have been at home with a sick mother who loved me than packed off to boarding school.

Benjispruce2 · 13/09/2020 22:10

I think your reasons are admirable but don’t underestimate the value of being together with your family doing the routine stuff.

nanbread · 13/09/2020 22:12

I boarded from age 13 and mostly loved it - I didn't have siblings close in age so it gave me permanent playmates - but I didn't realise how much it impacted my attachments and relationships with my parents until I had kids myself.

I didn't need academic input from them and fortunately didn't suffer bullying or anything like that, but my parents weren't very good at keeping in touch / making me feel loved from afar, I think as they "didn't want to smother" me. Other pupils would get thoughtful packages in the post and daily phone calls which may have helped them feel loved.

These day my relationship with my parents is pretty crap.

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