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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

Boarding school

303 replies

BlackbirdFirst · 13/09/2020 20:40

Aibu to consider boarding for dd when she hits y7?
Is it fun like a sleepover all the time?
Its mixed day and boarding.
Part of the reason is that I seem very lazy (mixture of medical issues) and although I do try to be active, I have long periods where I need to sleep.
I don't want her thinking this is all normal, I want her to be with people who fill their day doing things. From my short experience of boarding school this is what happens - lots to do, I guess to stave off boredom.
Life is full of great things to do, but she sees her mum barely doing any of them.
Boarding will also help with making female friendships work, which is something I have always struggled with too.

OP posts:

oakleaffy · 13/09/2020 21:30

I can't believe you would consider sending someone so desperately young to a boarding school Because you need to sleep

Unreal!... Clearly you have never seen adults damaged bt being shipped off to boarding schools at such a tender age.

It isn't Harry Potter,or Mallory Towers.

WouldBeGood · 13/09/2020 21:31

@Intrepidintrovert

I don't think it's healthy and I don't think boarding kids grow up with great mental health or attachment, despite what they're ('Oh we're so close we write letters') parents say.

Yes to this.

Shedpaint · 13/09/2020 21:32

Can you fix your own mindset rather than pack her off?
If you feel you are lazy and a bad example to her then why not focus on that. If it’s all medically caused then you shouldn’t feel guilty and can educate her that your situation isn’t normal. If it’s not all medical then change it. Be the person you want her to see.

Boarding can be very tough and you need to be emotionally resilient as a pupil and to a degree as a parent.
It rarely works when the background is troubled- Altho certainly in some cases it is beneficial for the child to get away from home that’s usually more so when relations have broken down with one or both parents.

Unless she has some specific talent that is beat sever by boarding or you move a lot with work then I wouldn’t see it as an easy choice

UnaCorda · 13/09/2020 21:32

No, it is most definitely not "fun like a sleepover all the time". At the risk of sounding overly dramatic, you're playing a dangerous game regarding your daughter's future mental health and attachment patterns.

TatianaBis · 13/09/2020 21:33

@RubyAberdeen

I find this attitude of “my daughter wanted to go and said she would never forgive us so we sent her” attitude really weird tbh.

You make the decision and you own it, surely, as the parent.

I remember reading Malory towers and begging my parents to let me go to boarding school. They laughed it off. “Oh don’t be silly it’s nothing like that in real life!” Do I resent them for it? No! I’d have thought they were bloody bonkers if they’d listened to my ten year old self.

I have two daughters. Hell would freeze over before i would send them away.

I don’t find it weird at all. That poster was talking about a real school not a book. If she really wanted to go and they could afford it why stop her? If she had wanted to be a ballet dancer would you have prevented that too?

I guess I don’t really understand women who can’t cope without their kids.

LoveFromDeauville · 13/09/2020 21:33

missyB1 · 13/09/2020 21:34

I work in a boarding school. Don’t. Just don’t.

needaMNnamegenerator · 13/09/2020 21:34

I think you're being unnecessarily hard on yourself. If you're worried your daughter is missing out on activities why not see how you can accommodate that in your life? e.g how about hiring a nanny to take her out to do exciting stuff a couple of nights a week (I'm guessing money isn't an issue?).

Perhaps also look at what you can do to build your own self esteem also so you're not so hard on yourself?

FWIW the adults I've met who boarded from a very young age all have issues with their parents.

Original poster

BlackbirdFirst · 13/09/2020 21:34

@LoveFromDeauville

Please report this thread to mn if you don't think its real because it pisses me off making those faces ...

OP posts:

EBearhug · 13/09/2020 21:35

Malory Towers etc were written mid-20th century, so even if it hadn't been fiction, it wouldn't be relevant. A lot of schools started changing in the 1960s/70s, and again in more recent decades. These days, there are duvets rather than wool blankets, central heating and warm showers.

I think a lot depends on the school and the child. I think schools that offer weekly or half-weekly boarding would be a better place to start than full time boarding.

RubyAberdeen · 13/09/2020 21:35

I’d far rather be that woman than the woman who packs them off tbh.

I’d send her for ballet or whatever if I felt, as the parent, that it was the right thing for her. She wouldn’t be making the decision on her own.

Original poster

BlackbirdFirst · 13/09/2020 21:35

@missyB1

I work in a boarding school. Don’t. Just don’t.

Seriously?

OP posts:

Shedpaint · 13/09/2020 21:36

@TatianaBis you don’t understand women who can’t
cope without their kids?

I don’t understand women or men who can detach themselves so easily from their children when they are young and don’t feel they want to be the ones who care for them, listen to their daily stories and enjoy their company day to day

UnaCorda · 13/09/2020 21:37

It's Malory Towers, not Mallory...

thymestables · 13/09/2020 21:37

I went to boarding school from year 9 and it genuinely was the best thing that could have happened to me. Away from a bad crowd at poor performing secondary school into a wonderful supportive environment for both learning and pastoral care.
My DC do not board because our circumstances are completely different but I would not believe any of the hyperbole about damaging boarding schools - just pick one that suits your DD.

I have a brilliant relationship with my parents, and while I know that DM didn't really want me to go, i am so grateful to have had those years away.

TatianaBis · 13/09/2020 21:38

@RubyAberdeen

I’d far rather be that woman than the woman who packs them off tbh.

I’d send her for ballet or whatever if I felt, as the parent, that it was the right thing for her. She wouldn’t be making the decision on her own.

It wouldn’t be ‘packing them off’ if the child was who instigated it.

Your kids may have a better idea of who they are and what they want to do you than you.

And y’know some kids want to get away from their parents.

UntilYourNextHairBrainedScheme · 13/09/2020 21:38

I asked to board - I started as a day pupil in year 7 but was boarding by Christmas. I loved it. My sisters were day pupils but I always boarded. I had friends at school and there was nothing to do at home unless you were pony mad, which I wasn't (parents lived rurally, sisters had ponys).

I boarded Monday to Friday, went home at weekends. I was always keen to return to school. I got tired of the rather hot house, detached from the outside world atmosphere by the 5th year (year 11) but it was great from age 11 to 15.

It all depends whether the child's keen and could revert to day if they wanted to IMO.

Bobblehatwobble · 13/09/2020 21:38

I hated boarding school and could not get on with the people that had been there since Y7 - it creates a very certain type of someone. Only my experience but I’d never do that to my children; the people I met were really messed up.

RubyAberdeen · 13/09/2020 21:38

My eldest is in P2. I count down the minutes to pick up time because I love walking home with her and getting her stories and her chat. I genuinely look forward to it it’s probably my favourite part of the day. I can’t imagine opting out of all of that.

Rosebel · 13/09/2020 21:40

All the people I know who boarded at school (and tbf it's not many) hated it. My cousin never forgave her parents for sending her to boarding school and she's in her 40s.
I too have read Malory Towers and loved it but doubt boarding school is like that in real life.
Obviously you know your daughter best but personally I couldn't send my children.

TatianaBis · 13/09/2020 21:40

In the bad old days of boarding schools kids were packed off against their will, if they were miserable they weren’t allowed to leave. One exiat a term etc.

It’s very different now.

HappyHedgehog247 · 13/09/2020 21:41

I asked my parents to go and still didn’t like it. I meet lots of ex boarders in a professional capacity and while some loved it, there are often enduring effects in my opinion/experience. For some families it is the right option but I would only consider if the context demanded. As a separate issue, you seem really hard on yourself about your health. I wonder what exactly it is that it prevents your DD doing? And if there are other benefits you may not fully recognize? Caring for a parent is hard for children so if there is Lots of role reversal it may be worth exploring. I wouldn’t propose it to her as first step but explore with her What more activities she would like to do and what sort of school might fit. Sorry about random caps, slippery phone!

dementedma · 13/09/2020 21:41

My friend was sent to boarding school ON his 7th birthday and told to man up and not blub.
FFS I could cheerfully throttle his parents! He's completely emotionally screwed.

eatsleepread · 13/09/2020 21:42

This post cannot be for real!

JoBrodie · 13/09/2020 21:42

I full-boarded from age 9 to 18 and didn't enjoy it at all. Might have if I'd been a bit older but as an only child I preferred the company of adults and found being around kids my own age so much fairly tiring.

It would seem to be incredibly dependent on the child's personality / temperament, age and of course the school. I'm sure they are much jollier places now though.

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