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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

Boarding school

303 replies

BlackbirdFirst · 13/09/2020 20:40

Aibu to consider boarding for dd when she hits y7?
Is it fun like a sleepover all the time?
Its mixed day and boarding.
Part of the reason is that I seem very lazy (mixture of medical issues) and although I do try to be active, I have long periods where I need to sleep.
I don't want her thinking this is all normal, I want her to be with people who fill their day doing things. From my short experience of boarding school this is what happens - lots to do, I guess to stave off boredom.
Life is full of great things to do, but she sees her mum barely doing any of them.
Boarding will also help with making female friendships work, which is something I have always struggled with too.

OP posts:

WouldBeGood · 13/09/2020 21:03

If you are for real, then YABVU. Boarding school is awful and will destroy your closeness with your dd.

Devlesko · 13/09/2020 21:03

My dd started boarding at Y7 she's 6th form now.
She absolutely loves it and it's been the best decision she made.
If it's the right school environment and fits the child I don't think it matters what type of school it is.
Mine read Mallory Towers but never thought that was her type of life, she used to tell me it was for others. Then she saw a CBBC programme about a famous school, asked to go to an open day, and I humoured her.
Told me she was going and if I tried to stop her she'd never forgive me.
We are not from the same class as the usual boarding parent, so it was never on our radar.
Oh, and she says one of the characters from Mallory Towers was who she decided to be, was it Daryl, or Darren,?

AdultierAdult · 13/09/2020 21:04

Sounds like a hard decision to make. What does she think? What does your partner/her dad think? Could she get involved with more extra curriculars?

My daughter was a day girl and all her boarding friends loved it (Enid blyton sent her daughters to the same school actually) my mother in law loved boarding school - I think I would’ve loved it but my sister would’ve probably crumbled. I believe it’s child-dependent. Like others have said could you try a night or two a week and see how she gets on?

Original poster

BlackbirdFirst · 13/09/2020 21:04

I know its not like Mallory towers! I did board for a short time (but came home because I missed my boyfriend.
Thay was just an example that we are very close and read a lot together

OP posts:

LouiseNW · 13/09/2020 21:07

Former boarder. I’d say it depends how confident and sociable she is, how far away school is, how flexible it is (if you’re feeling good, can she come home for a while at short notice or will they be snotty?)) and - vital at that stage of growth - the quality of the food and accommodation. In respect of the latter, despite faintworthy fees, both were nothing short of bloody dire in my case. I’m ancient but our kids were at independents too (day pupils, not boarders) and they were both still completely awful.

Also, in the current climate, would she cope with having to stay at school over the holidays if rules changed? We’re nearly adjacent to an old independent and dozens of kids were stuck there during lockdown, not just overseas students, youngest was 9 years old. Damned sad.

whattodo2019 · 13/09/2020 21:07

My DD has boarded since the age of 8. She absolutely loves it. We are a very close family, we visit her, try and watch her matches, write letters etc.
It has been the best decision. Our son however doesn't want to board ever. They have very different characters and he is very happy with us at home.

You Need to find the right boarding school though.

Thighdentitycrisis · 13/09/2020 21:07

Oh really sorry! I misread your OP as age 7 not y7

ButteryPuffin · 13/09/2020 21:07

If she's not begging you to let her go, then no. Don't push it.

There must be other ways to deal with your tiredness levels. I'm sure there will be things you've done already and haven't posted. What support do you have from her dad / family / friends?

And the 'get her to try it part time' argument only works if there is a suitable school nearby.

LouiseNW · 13/09/2020 21:09

Whattodo2019

“You Need to find the right boarding school though.”

Yes. They vary wildly in quality.

Disorganisedfish · 13/09/2020 21:11

Ds is day pupil at a boarding school and they start partial boarding when they are age 7. They make it sound like a giant fun sleepover and all the kids are desperate to do it - which makes it hard to refuse. I think if the kids push it and want to do it, then it’s not as damaging - but I boarded and whilst I wanted to, I was also resentful and felt abandoned regardless.

If your daughter is already at a prep surely the hours are long enough for you to sleep during the day anyway? Would it not be better to get a nanny / au pair for the holidays instead?

Thighdentitycrisis · 13/09/2020 21:15

The other point I made still stands really though at 11 or 7

ChrisPrattsFace · 13/09/2020 21:17

Surely you should be educating your daughter about health etc and helping her understand there are many different normals. That your normal is resting for health where some peoples are insanely active.
It sending her away because you have your head in the sand.

Intrepidintrovert · 13/09/2020 21:19

I don't think it's healthy and I don't think boarding kids grow up with great mental health or attachment, despite what they're ('Oh we're so close we write letters') parents say.

WanderingMilly · 13/09/2020 21:19

Year 7 isn't too young, it's a good age to start.
I always dreamed of going to boarding school and never could - my parents couldn't afford it - I felt I missed out....

TatianaBis · 13/09/2020 21:20

She’s totally old enough. But boarding school suits some kids and not others.

Flexi-boarding is the way to start.

SchadenfreudePersonified · 13/09/2020 21:21

We are close and we have read a lot of Malory Towers together.

You do realise those are fiction, don't you? Not documentaries?

coldwarenigma · 13/09/2020 21:21

This is MN where boarding at any age is utterly frowned upon.
You wont get non hysterical comments. --from
posters happy to put babies to pre teens in 'wrap around' childcare where the only time they are with parents is at night asleep--.

familyof4boys · 13/09/2020 21:24

I went to boarding school and loved it. It was the right school for me, at the right time (year 7) and my husband also boarded from the same age. He was homesick his first year but went on to love it too and is so glad he boarded. I would guess that a number of the people against the idea of boarding have never boarded or considered boarding for their children so don’t have a personal view of what it’s like, other than that it wouldn’t suit them or their families... Which is fine and absolutely respect their opinion but doesn’t mean it wouldn’t suit your daughter or yours!

Didkdt · 13/09/2020 21:24

@BlackbirdFirst

We are close and we have read a lot of Malory Towers together. I would have loved to board from younger so perhaps that's skewing my idea. There is the option of flexi boarding and perhaps she would step it up from Y9. I will check out if that is an option. She isn't sure if she would like to yet we need to look around. She does get out and do things but it me who is the bad example.

Malory Towers Twins at St Claire's Harry Potter etc are not and never were representative of boarding. I agree for some children it's a saving grace, but you'll struggle to find a parent who admits it's harmed their relationship but is it for your daughter? Depending how old she is some schools offer a taster boarding session as part of their assessment process, and maybe that could help her decide. I'm sure your daughter is well aware that you struggle more than other parents and that her family life is different, that isn't a bad thing but as well as boarding look at other local extra curricular activities that she might benefit from locally and see if you find ways for her to attend those.

RubyAberdeen · 13/09/2020 21:24

I find this attitude of “my daughter wanted to go and said she would never forgive us so we sent her” attitude really weird tbh.

You make the decision and you own it, surely, as the parent.

I remember reading Malory towers and begging my parents to let me go to boarding school. They laughed it off. “Oh don’t be silly it’s nothing like that in real life!” Do I resent them for it? No! I’d have thought they were bloody bonkers if they’d listened to my ten year old self.

I have two daughters. Hell would freeze over before i would send them away.

movingonup20 · 13/09/2020 21:24

Dp went to boarding school, his children did not board! (Money wasn't an issue). It works for some but it isn't like the novels. My dd boarded for 6th form and it's wasn't like mallory towers or Harry Potter.

familyof4boys · 13/09/2020 21:26

Oh also, I’m really close with my parents (as are all my brothers, who all boarded by choice, at different schools as suited their personalities and academic abilities) but my husband isn’t now and wasn’t before he boarded either. But his mother is a bit of a mumsnet textbook MIL nightmare, soooo....

laidbacklife · 13/09/2020 21:26

It doesn’t suit everyone. It has really got to come from the child. If the school offers flexi boarding then that’s a great way to dip a toe in the water. Yr 7 is still very young for anything more than the odd night away.

SchadenfreudePersonified · 13/09/2020 21:28

Boris Johnson went to boarding school.

I rest my case.

Original poster

BlackbirdFirst · 13/09/2020 21:30

I hadn't thought about starting with flexi and building up until I started this thread so thank you.
School I am looking at does flexi up until Y9 when we have to choose.
So it makes sense in a way.
I'm not sure how aware she is that our family life isn't totally normal.
She doesn't have a huge number of playdates.
I do keep her v active, but theres always down time when I'm in bed.

OP posts:

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