Boarding school

[BlackbirdFirst]

Aibu to consider boarding for dd when she hits y7?
Is it fun like a sleepover all the time?
Its mixed day and boarding.
Part of the reason is that I seem very lazy (mixture of medical issues) and although I do try to be active, I have long periods where I need to sleep.
I don't want her thinking this is all normal, I want her to be with people who fill their day doing things. From my short experience of boarding school this is what happens - lots to do, I guess to stave off boredom.
Life is full of great things to do, but she sees her mum barely doing any of them.
Boarding will also help with making female friendships work, which is something I have always struggled with too.

My husband went to boarding school from age 7 while his parents toured the world with his fathers work.
Husband had a great time at school, but at nearly 40 his relationship with his parents is still not very good. He doesn't hate them, he just sees them as other adults in his life.
He has said he will never send his kids to boarding school - day private school yes, but not boarding. He wants to see our kids grow up.

@nanbread

I boarded from age 13 and mostly loved it - I didn't have siblings close in age so it gave me permanent playmates - but I didn't realise how much it impacted my attachments and relationships with my parents until I had kids myself.

I didn't need academic input from them and fortunately didn't suffer bullying or anything like that, but my parents weren't very good at keeping in touch / making me feel loved from afar, I think as they "didn't want to smother" me. Other pupils would get thoughtful packages in the post and daily phone calls which may have helped them feel loved.

These day my relationship with my parents is pretty crap.

That is so sad. I only know people who went to boarding school who hated it.

One 'Top' school [I won't name it] had a pupil leap out of an upper window, he landed on hard ground, damaged both ankles, and chalk graffiti appeared: {name} ''Next time, do it properly''.
It was hushed up, but the emotional pain of bullying, when one is far from home must be very hard to endure.

I think you should do whatever your daughter wants; if she likes the idea of boarding, fine, but let her choose the school and tell her she doesn't have to stay if she is unhappy.

@RubyAberdeen

My eldest is in P2. I count down the minutes to pick up time because I love walking home with her and getting her stories and her chat. I genuinely look forward to it it’s probably my favourite part of the day. I can’t imagine opting out of all of that.

Good for you. Can you not understand op is ill and probably struggled to do this? Rtft!!

Mallory towers had a nasty popular bully, so there's that.
Never boarded, but as your daughter gets older and more independent, she will be able to arrange and fill her own days.

I wasn’t talking about the OP. It was a general remark in response to the PP who said she was glad she wasn’t someone who couldn’t cope without her kids. Or something. 🤷🏻‍♀️

For balance though, I went to a comp most of my school life and there were plenty of emotional/bullying problems about. Lots of people who went to state school are addicted to drugs/never see their parents/anorexic etc. But they never blame the school.
Life fucks you up, sadly. Exact places to hang the blame differ according to circumstance.

OP I think she can understand that you are unwell and are doing your best. That message - the importance of doing your best, is powerful. Plus the importance of developing strategies and tactics to make the most of what you have. That's a tricky but invaluable thing for everyone to learn. You demonstrate those things.

Surely she gets an idea of how other people live from spending time with her friends and their families? Also from meeting people through activities and doing organised activities with different groups of people.

I boarded from the age of 8. I don't have abandonment or attachment issues and I'm very close to my parents, I certainly didn't feel like an inconvenience to them. I think people are really projecting their own feelings here. Boarding doesn't breed issues just by virtue of it being boarding. Sure, it doesn't suit everyone, but at my junior school 90% of kids boarded (including many who lived close enough to the school to be day pupils but requested to board as they felt they were missing out).

I think it depends on the school, but no, it's generally not like Mallory Towers. That being said, I went to a lovely, rural junior school with ponies, pets, open fields, loads of outdoorsy activities. Perfect for me as an outdoorsy, horse riding, animal loving child, and I loved it. By contrast, I went to a senior school (which I chose) in a big city, very urban, very different focus, and I absolutely hated it. Nothing to do with the boarding, just a different ethos, different pupils, different style and it didn't suit me. Let your DD go for trial days at different schools and really do your research on them and make sure their values and ethos tie in with your own. No point sending your DD to a sporty school if she isn't sporty, or an artsy school if she isn't arty. They'll all have specialisms, and she's more likely to find it difficult if she doesn't fit in with them or they're very different to her upbringing.

I would send my DS to boarding school in the future if we could afford it, but I'd be very careful that the school tied in with his upbringing at home and that their focus tied with his interests and the activities he excelled at.

I boarded from age 11. Absolutely loved it. Had amazing opportunities in I could never have had at home.

Made lifelong friendships and I look back at my school days with such fondness.

My relationship with my parents and siblings is very close and always has been.

I’m in the same situation as you op. No energy and really struggled when dd was younger. No way would my dd be ok to board. She wouldn’t go to private day school either.

The thing is when children go to yr7 life change quickly. They all start to hang out, walk to each other’s houses etc. You will have a lot more time to rest when that happens. With my dd I used to drive her to lots of activities. I am too ill to do that atm so dh and her friend’s mum takes her to things now that they’ve just started back. I’m just a taxi these days.

Year 9 is a traditional entry point into boarding OP.
For those who can't believe this is real, lots of schools have bursaries specifically for children who have a chronically ill or disabled parent or sibling, state boarding schools exist for these children as well.

Google Boarding School Syndrome and see what you think.

My chilldren attend a state boarding school. They are day pupils, as are most, but they have friends who board. I also have nephews and nieces who are at independent boarding schools and a number of friends whose children board at a variety of different kinds of schools - state, regular independent and specialist performing arts schools. I have multiple colleagues who went to boarding schools too. I took advice from them all when we were considering options for one of our children who had expressed an interest in boarding.
I think it is impossible to generalise. I know some pupils who are/have been deliriously happy and others who have been absolutely miserable. The same goes for parents. Some schools are better than others, some children are more suited to boarding than others and some schools will suit some children better than others. I think you need to do a lot of research into the specific schools you would be interested in.I don't think any of them bear much resemblance to Mallory Towers though, so that's probably not the best source of information.
The other key thing us that if your child does go away, you need to keep channels of communication open at all times and make sure they know that they can tell you anything and that they are able to come home if need be. Unfortunately I know quite a few people who stuck it out at boarding schools because they couldn't reveal what was happening to them or because they felt their parents would be disappointed in them if they came home from schools that they had fought hard for places in or their parents had made big sacrifices for. They've all been damaged as a result. I think its very important that everyone understands and agrees that the decision is reversible if need be.

I boarded from 11 to 18. It was great. Honestly. It’s only taken two decades of therapy and a couple of tonnes of drugs to level my mental health out.

My children will not be boarding.

I was a boarder from age 10 to 18. There were good and bad bits but it’s nothing like a glorified sleepover or Malory Towers.

There is a common thread between pretty much all people who have been a boarder for a length of time. You learn quite quickly that the only way to cope with the homesickness is to detach yourself from your parents. Otherwise the homesickness consumes you.

Parents think that all is fine and dandy because they only see their children on high days and holidays. Everyone is in their best behaviour. It is never real life with your parents from the moment the child detaches. They become reliant on friends and house parents and tend to only tell the parents the good things. I recently found some of my old letters I sent to my parents. They were so pathetically chipper it was quite sad to read. They actually read more like a Malory towers book - I remember never wanting to disappoint them or let them down.

School was not abusive to me (others were not so lucky) and it was top notch educationally. But my parents never really knew the real me from the age of about 11. They knew the sanitised me. They are good people and they thought they were doing the best for me. But it would be over my dead body that I would send my own kids to boarding school. I know what we’d all be losing and it would honestly break my heart.

My mum doesn’t know how I feel. She still thinks she did the right thing. On the surface it was great and I did well. But I missed a proper deep and meaningful relationship with her and my dad for the most formative part of my childhood.

I know this will bring out all the parents of boarders saying “I have a deep and meaningful relationship with my child”. You are wrong. You don’t. That is the sacrifice you make for sending your child to boarding school. There is honestly no other way a child can cope with boarding school other than detachment from you.

The only caveat I have is that it does seem to work well for sixth form.

A close friend of mine went to boarding school. It was a very good one too - apparently one of the best.

She hated every second. She was bullied a lot, and was sexually assaulted by one of the other girls. No one believed her and she had to continue to spend a lot of time with this girl who became obsessed with her.

She desperately missed her mum and felt she had no time to herself, but didn't want to ask her mum if she could come home because she knew her mum had gotten herself into some serious financial commitments in order to pay the fees. She said it was hell on earth.

She now in her late 30s and still has to take a lot of medication and has CBT. In her own words - "it fucked me up good and proper".

But on the flip side, she did well at school and now has a good career. Then again, she's very clever so probably would have managed it anyway.

This isn’t something other people can judge for you. Every child is different and it’s important that it the right choice at the right time. Ds boarded from y4 so very young comparably but it was his choice and he loved it. Most good schools will allow boarders to start throughout the year not just at september so it can be at the time the child is ready, pushing it doesn’t go well generally, it has to be child led. Don’t imagine you will be outsourcing parenting, you won’t be doing the normal school run but expect to be trekking around the county twice a week to watch matches and attend an array of other things during the day and at weekends. It’s not hand your kid over and that’s that, it’s actually quite a time commitment although this becomes less and less so as your dc gets older as they want you to come to far less things, I don’t see DS for 3 weeks at a time now but he is 6th form so would be less around anyway. The holidays are much longer which is a bonus and there is a better appreciation of family time when they are home. I’d say that’s the best bit, you don’t do the naggy get out of bed part of their day but rather more of the quality time.

Please don't think life at all boarding-schools is the same. Each one is very different to another, so you'd need to choose one which your DD would be happy in.

That done, would you be prepared to move within reasonably easy travelling distance? Many do flexi-boarding at a set cost per night for the day-pupils.

That can be a great compromise, attend as a day-girl then board when there's something she wants to stay at school for.

Ds boarded from y4 so very young comparably but it was his choice and he loved it

This. This is exactly what I mean. You let your y4 son choose this? So you had no input at all?

This post is possibly non real innit

this is well worth a watch. It shows the child starting homesickness and the detachment needed to survive and thrive.

Seems like a cop out of parental responsibility if you ask me. Anyone I've known who have gone to boarding school have loathed it

@Posturesorposes

This post is possibly non real innit

I’m hoping it’s not

missyB1

I work in a boarding school. Don’t. Just don’t“

It’s perfectly morally acceptable to draw your salary from an institution you thoroughly disapprove of though?

I wound’t board mine either but you are an hypocrite.