Boarding school

[BlackbirdFirst]

Aibu to consider boarding for dd when she hits y7?
Is it fun like a sleepover all the time?
Its mixed day and boarding.
Part of the reason is that I seem very lazy (mixture of medical issues) and although I do try to be active, I have long periods where I need to sleep.
I don't want her thinking this is all normal, I want her to be with people who fill their day doing things. From my short experience of boarding school this is what happens - lots to do, I guess to stave off boredom.
Life is full of great things to do, but she sees her mum barely doing any of them.
Boarding will also help with making female friendships work, which is something I have always struggled with too.

@SJaneS48

Fair enough! It’s been 35 years 😀. I’m still think on balance a parent might pick a disorder up quicker. However, I know pastoral care in boarding has come on a hundred fold since my day. (PS, I’m not completely anti boarding by the way, it clearly works for some kids/parents).

My husband boarded 35 years ago too. When my daughter expressed an interest in going to boarding school he shuddered in horror. We visited the school, talked extensively with the staff and other parents/students, and spent a lot of time finding out more about it. It was very important to him that his children wouldn't go through what he went through.

@GoldenPlatitudes

Reading this with interest! My DD wants to board next year to a school that specialises in an activity she excels at. She would be home at weekends, and would be 15 1/2 if she goes/gets in but I still feel that is so young 😳

Is it so bad if the child is older and actively wants to go?

Mine chose to go at 14 (well, she was 13 when she made the decision and 14 when she went). She was there for 4 years.

There just weren't any non-boarding schools available that would meet her needs, and she was very excited when she found a school that would give her what she wanted/needed.

It worked out very well for her. She came home every month for a long weekend, and had long holidays at home.

It really does depend on your child and the school.

There was a thread on here not very long ago about children who'd been to boarding school. I think it made most readers tearful.

Obviously there are a lot of differences between boarding schools, but the overlying thread on this one was how yes, they'd been able to talk to their parent, but they'd missed having cuddles with them.

The thought of a wee child of 7 not being able to give their parent a cuddle made a lot of us well up. Apologies for not being able to link to it, but I think it might have been in Chat.

The documentary that Didkdt linked to above is absolutely heartbreaking. The children profiled are 8-year-olds. One of them suffers terribly from homesickness, and the advice of the school is for her to have less contact with her mother. The child misses her mother so much that she hurls herself at another girl’s mother and hugs her desperately, as a mum substitute. By the end of the term she is resigned to the school, but clearly the experience has taken an emotional toll on her.

I think boarding at that age is far too early. Even an 11-year-old like the OP’s DD is too young IMO. I could imagine a situation when an older teenager might benefit from boarding school, but primary and early secondary school children should be at home (except in certain unusual circumstances).

@AuntyMabelandPippin

There was a thread on here not very long ago about children who'd been to boarding school. I think it made most readers tearful.

Obviously there are a lot of differences between boarding schools, but the overlying thread on this one was how yes, they'd been able to talk to their parent, but they'd missed having cuddles with them.

The thought of a wee child of 7 not being able to give their parent a cuddle made a lot of us well up. Apologies for not being able to link to it, but I think it might have been in Chat.

I must be missing the bit where the OP said she's thinking of sending her 7 year old to boarding school?

I went to boarding school and I absolutely loved it. It will utterly depend on the kind of person your DD is, and the school you choose being the right one for her.

have not RTFT: it's shit. I hated it. I am still working through the effects of it and I'm in my mid-50s.

@Brefugee I think it’s probably changed a bit these days...

@Brefugee me too.

@Sanpro the fact of living with adults who don’t love you and being away from parents hasn’t changed though, no matter how much else has.

@WouldBeGood

I can say with my hand on my heart that my daughter's house mistress loves ALL her girls, even the ones she doesn't like much. On leave outs, she hugs all the girls (that want it!) goodbye and on return most of them, including my daughter run over to her when they spot her yelling her name and hugging her. She reads to them at night, sits with them if they are upset, watches films with them piled on the sofa with them and her dog, eating popcorn and drinking hot chocolate.

Yes, she is NOT their mum, of course not, but she is literally the next best thing. I know some of the older girls that have been through her care too and they adore her. In fact, thinking about it, they have a lot of really lovely teachers / pastoral care there who are not adverse to hugging a sad child. And no, I don't mean in a dodgy way, I mean in a motherly way before anyone jumps on that comment!

I am genuinely sorry that many have had truly awful times at boarding school (my husband being one of them), but every school is different, just like local education (how many kids if polled HATED their school and wished they could have been moved) and things have moved on. Yes there are a small percentage of parents who ship their kids off because they can't be bothered, but most do it for the benefit of the child in some way. And sadly, as with all things, every choice has it's upsides and it's downsides...

I wonder how many of those with their judgey pants hiked up to their armpits are also folk who have their kids in breakfast club and childminders/after school care and used nurseries to return to work ASAP...

If it works for the child, then it works, if it doesn't don't do it.

I effectively boarded from 16 and I loved it and there was nowhere near the care provided by proper boarding schools as this was a college. I have more friends from my college days than I do from my time at a normal secondary school, and I genuinely miss my time there and was really excited to go back and lecture there a few years back.

If you had a shitty time I am sorry for you, but that does not mean boarding is not suitable for anyone at all!

@sanpro (sorry to tag but i did want to reply)

I would bloody well hope it has changed since i left. I say i hated it - i didn't hate all of it and the actual school part was brilliant. However:

getting up every single day including weekends to a firebell in the dorm (20 girls up to 4th form) was shit. Massive dorms with huge draughty windows which were always cold or freezing. All the nope.

The same meal plan every day for weeks and weeks and years. Even now: monday boiled eggs, Tuesday bacon and tomatoes, wednesday "continental", thursday eggy bread, Friday scrambled egg, Saturday bacon and tomatoes, Sunday big continental... mixed form tables with the younger ones waiting on the older ones and either getting huge portions of the disgusting stuff or miniscule portions of the nice stuff...
no hugs, never getting to choose to have an evening with friends and snacks (friends ok, snacks? never ever)
etc etc etc

I have a brilliant relationship with my parents, but i know that they both hated me being away (forces brat).

Ha ha ha ha, how much are you paying?
Bet that will go down in her future workplace. Or friendship group. Or university

@Readandwalk why does it bother you so much how someone chooses to pay for their child's education? Not all school experiences have to lead somewhere or be useful in later life. The most important thing is that this child is clearly enjoying boarding school life and it's the right school for her. Boarding doesn't suit every child and there are sadly some very unhappy adults as a result of their bad experience. But that does not mean that boarding per se is wrong. There are also many very happy current boarders and adults who enjoyed their boarding schools.

I adored my boarding school but was well in my teens when I chose to board. I'm forever grateful that I was able to do it. However, I chose to go when I was ready, and I chose the school. The right age and the right school are tantamount. A couple of the ones near me have fab reputations, a couple have bad reputations for being a nest of bitches and the boarding only being used by overseas pupils respectively. Really do your homework.

Looking back I wish I'd gone sooner but I definitely didn't want to go at 11 and would struggled horribly. Juniors is too young. Friends who boarded in the juniors have definitely been negatively impacted by the experience; even if they don't see it themselves, we (their friends) see it and remark upon it.

If you think she'd benefit, if she's ready and willing then go for it. But leave the door open if she dislikes it when she gets there. If she's keen but not yet, look at what would make her more confident about going, and again, leave the door open. Has she tried any boarding tasters at schools?

@Devlesko own your decision to send her away. Talking about her saying she wouldn’t forgive you and it wasn’t on your radar....she was eight.

Randall

I didn't want her to go, I'd still prefer her not to be there.
What do you want me to say? I agreed because it would be selfish not to.
My dd knew her own mind at 3, was a bit of an outlier, we are poor, and boarding wasn't even on our radar. She is exceptionally gifted and normal schools couldn't provide the education she wanted, that's why she was home educated, she boarded from 11.
But you are right, I did agree.
The nights I've sat crying, the effect on my mh, so shuv off with your "owning" sending her away

[quote Brefugee]@sanpro (sorry to tag but i did want to reply)

I would bloody well hope it has changed since i left. I say i hated it - i didn't hate all of it and the actual school part was brilliant. However:

getting up every single day including weekends to a firebell in the dorm (20 girls up to 4th form) was shit. Massive dorms with huge draughty windows which were always cold or freezing. All the nope.

The same meal plan every day for weeks and weeks and years. Even now: monday boiled eggs, Tuesday bacon and tomatoes, wednesday "continental", thursday eggy bread, Friday scrambled egg, Saturday bacon and tomatoes, Sunday big continental... mixed form tables with the younger ones waiting on the older ones and either getting huge portions of the disgusting stuff or miniscule portions of the nice stuff...
no hugs, never getting to choose to have an evening with friends and snacks (friends ok, snacks? never ever)
etc etc etc

I have a brilliant relationship with my parents, but i know that they both hated me being away (forces brat).[/quote]
Yes that sounds horrible. For comparison at DD's boarding school:

No massive dorms - max 3 per room, most were 1-2 per room.
No firebell - students get themselves up when they choose
Rooms were perfectly warm despite the school being on the Canadian border
Different meals every day, none of it disgusting
No students waiting on other students - everyone gets their own food, clears their table, and all students took turns to do washing up as part of community service
Hugging allowed
Evenings spent wherever you choose - in your own room, in one of the common rooms, in the local shops or cafes, doing a hobby, doing sports, in the gym, swimming
Snacks whenever you want them - fridges in rooms were common
Get up whatever time you like at weekends
Older students could have cars on campus

Randall

Something else, before she went we also made sure we could raise the 10K we would have to pay if she didn't like it and wanted to leave.
It must be awful if they are unhappy and parents won't move them.
We assess on a half termly basis, every report or communication with school too. If she was ever struggling she'd be out of there, and has nothing to prove. So we are confident that she wouldn't carry on if it wasn't right.
I love that she can choose how many A levels she wants to do and which subjects to study was an option throughout secondary. It allowed her to concentrate on her practice.

mmme, well I went at 6th form (so older than your DD). I actively chose it, I researched the schools, applied for scholarships and went for what I wanted/thought it would give. I thought it would get me better teaching (really not true) better facilities and options to extra curricular interests (very true) and a better social life (we lived very rural- so this was truish....stuff was on tap but very restricted). I have to tell you though coming in from a 'normal' perspective I thought the whole thing was batshit (and to some extent still do).
Kids taking A-levels were so babified it was untrue, no going out of the school, very little autonomy, spoon fed in lessons, restrictive curfews for 17 year olds.... When in my second year I suggested bringing my moped to school so I could get to the train station to go a visit Uni's they were aghast. Ohh and there was a fair bit of money available to some of these kids/a huge safety net so drug taking was rife. AND lots of them had really really weird relationships with their parents (many had been there from aged 11) I mean bloody odd (from my perspective). My parents supported it (I think private education was something they aspired to - my dad had left school at 14 with not a single qualification and saw it as an opportunity). Thing is I'm bright and motivated and would have succeeded/thrown myself at hobbies wherever I was. I am so so glad I didn't go through my teenage years and had some developed sense of self and a broader world view by the time I went....
Interestingly I can see that my daughter would probably enjoy all the things that were on offer. But I am lucky in that we are able to facilitate lots of activities for her. If I couldn't I might be feel a bit different, but on balance I still wouldn't risk it. You are doing a lot (well you should be) of social shaping up and influencing during the teenage years and I wouldn't feel confident handing that over to a housemistress who had 15 other charges and not the single minded love and commitment that I have for my daughter...

@TatianaBis you can't understand women who can't cope without their kids ?
Are you just someone's Mummy ?
What about when they leave home ?
My daughter was a weekly boarder year 7-11. She loved it.
Only child , had company , much more independent.
Lots of reasons to send / not send - not everyone wants to 'get rid of them'.

Its all privileged though. Money thrown at someone else to parent. Yeh get others to parent your child for money. Pay to not have your children at home. That's what it is

@Readandwalk

Its all privileged though. Money thrown at someone else to parent. Yeh get others to parent your child for money. Pay to not have your children at home. That's what it is

Sigh.... For 99% of parents, NO, that's NOT what it is... Ignorance is bliss though isn't it? Far easier to just throw a general nasty judgement out there than actually try to understand the reasons why someone may choose boarding school. Narrow minded and sad really.

I’m similarly to you health wise. I have CFS after a bad bout of flu turned into pneumonia last year. I’ve also had long-term COVID this year. So I spend a lot of time in bed.

However, I wouldn’t consider boarding school to be a solution. But that’s because I went to a convent boarding school as a day pupil. I was sexually abused by the priest who was the school chaplain and so were other girls I knew. But then again, I was also abused at home by my F, along with my DSis. So SA can happen anywhere (although there are a lot of people who have been sexually abused in boarding schools so it is something that can happen). So my opinion comes from my own personal bias.

In any case, it wouldn’t be right for our DDs anyway, as they’re adopted. And yes, I also worry about me being a poor role model, but they know it’s poor health rather than laziness.

I haven’t read the full thread but can’t believe any adult would ask if boarding school is ‘like a sleepover.’ Obviously it isn’t. That’s like asking if primary school is like a day out with your best friend every day.

I don’t necessarily think boarding school is terrible but you have to go into it with eyes open and not comparing it to a sleepover otherwise you can’t accurately judge if it’s the right fit for your child.