If your child came out as an asexual, how would you feel/react?

[WellThisWentWell]

Yanbu= would love and accept them for who they are

Yabu= asexuality isin’t real, they just haven’t met the ’one’

I honestly don't understand the obsession some people have with the children's sexuality I've 4 children I honestly do not care who they sleep with as long as it is consensual and the person treats them with respect the rest is none of my business.

Feelings - for me - would be physical such as stomach butterflies, getting wet (sorry if tmi), raising heart/pulse, feeling hot; and mental such as OMG OMG OMG OMG I love them (lust), thinking about them, fantasising about them. Oh and masterbation whilst thinking about them. At a younger age I suppose that would manifest as a 'crush'.

I can separate romantic attraction from sexual attraction, so I believe you can love someone without being sexually attracted to them in the same way you can be sexually attracted to someone without loving them.

I am an aromantic asexual so I don't have romantic feelings or sexual attraction. I can see when someone is attractive but I don't feel it in a sexual way. (In the same way a straight women might think another woman is gorgeous but not in a sexual way.) I don't have butterflies, raised pulse, lust, crush etc. Asexual people still have hormones and the ability to be aroused (women can still get wet, men can still have erections) but it's not linked to being sexually attracted to someone. I don't masturbate (some asexual people do) because it does nothing for me.

The above is only my experience, obviously.

My teen dd did come out as asexual. Part of me wonders if it’s a phase and part of me mourns for the experiences I perceive her as having “lost”. On the other hand I’m so proud she felt confident enough to tell us and pleased that she is now happier having opened up to us.

It’s hard, as her mother I just want her to be happy and fulfilled but I worry that she will struggle to find understanding from her peers and become isolated because she’s not driven by the same things as her friends. I also worry it’s more a byproduct of her autism (she has a dislike of physical contact) than a sexual preference.

I’ve told her we support her no matter what but asked that she be open to any new experience rather than labelling herself and imposing rules on herself to fit the definition of an asexual person.

I feel guilty that I knew nothing about it - I’d thought she may be lesbian so knew she wasn’t strictly straight. I also feel guilty for hoping she changes her mind when I know damn well if she’d said she was lesbian or bi I wouldn’t do any such thing.

I wouldn't be at all surprised if one of mine was asexual; they are already really uncomfortable with the amount if sexual/romantic content in media aimed at teenagers. I don't care either way - if I were young these days, I'd probably call myself demisexual, and not really being attracted to anyone definitely made my teenage years calmer and less full of drama.

That it's a phase

But always supportive always

I feel guilty that I knew nothing about it - I’d thought she may be lesbian so knew she wasn’t strictly straight. I also feel guilty for hoping she changes her mind when I know damn well if she’d said she was lesbian or bi I wouldn’t do any such thing.

You have no reason to feel guilty, asexuality isn't well known and is often misunderstood.

Your worries are perfectly understandable, being supportive of her and not letting her see how you feel shows that you're a good mum. As a side note, I've never lacked friends and have a perfectly fulfilling life.

I would ask them what it meant because I would have no idea. But however they want to define themselves would be up to them, as long as they act morally, i.e don't do anything to hurt others.

In all honesty I’d think it was likely to be a phase and that they’re actually scared of exploring their sexuality. This is a growing issue for young people who socialise online and have access to so much porn. It makes it harder to relate to a real person.

I might be wrong but this would be my interpretation of it.

In all honesty I’d think it was likely to be a phase and that they’re actually scared of exploring their sexuality. This is a growing issue for young people who socialise online and have access to so much porn. It makes it harder to relate to a real person.

42 year old phase for me now, if anyone said being gay was a phase they'd rightly be called homophobic.

I'm out. Hiding this thread now.

Hi @WellThisWentWell, I know you said AVEN wasn't for you, but if you did want to try another online community, then reddit has an asexuality sub with about 90k members: www.reddit.com/r/asexuality/

I genuinely couldn’t care less what my child’s sexual orientation was.
For many people this is also fluid and changes throughout their lives.

I just don't believe it's a thing. You mighy suffer loss of libido or have mental illness or on medication with loss of libido as a side effect but to make it a thing that you come out as?! Ridiculous. How much you shag or how horny or not you get is not something to come out as! It is absolutely not like homosexuality in my view. Seems everything these days needs a label, red tape and coming out party 🙄 preoccupation with finding ways to redifine things that were ticking along just fine as is.

Thank you for that @slashlover. I’m honestly not bothered about the sex side of things one bit- that’s the smallest part of a relationship.

It’s more worrying that she won’t find the person who knows you inside and out and still adores you, the one you belly laugh with and who is your rock when things are hard. I hope that will be possible for her in future.

I suppose that all I can do is love her and be there regardless and though I don’t understand I will educate myself to help her overcome any challenges that being asexual brings.

Wouldn’t care as long as they weren’t one of those annoying twats who went on and on about how asexuals are far more oppressed than lesbians and gay men.

It’s more worrying that she won’t find the person who knows you inside and out and still adores you, the one you belly laugh with and who is your rock when things are hard. I hope that will be possible for her in future.

I suppose that all I can do is love her and be there regardless and though I don’t understand I will educate myself to help her overcome any challenges that being asexual brings.

I have family and friends who I am extremely close to and I know I can rely on for anything. If you need to talk then there are loads of resources online. Honestly, the Ace spectrum is just as wide as the spectrum in any sexuality. Your DD may find someone, she may not and both are fine.

I just don't believe it's a thing. You mighy suffer loss of libido or have mental illness or on medication with loss of libido as a side effect but to make it a thing that you come out as?! Ridiculous. How much you shag or how horny or not you get is not something to come out as! It is absolutely not like homosexuality in my view. Seems everything these days needs a label, red tape and coming out party 🙄 preoccupation with finding ways to redifine things that were ticking along just fine as is.

ASEXUALITY IS NOT ABOUT LIBIDO OR BEING HORNY. Asexual people can get horny. Heterosexual people can have no libido.

It clearly was not ticking along fine because I spent 20+ years of my life feeling broken and that I needed to be fixed.

I have several DC

One came out as homosexual, one asexual.

I was very "oh ok" tbh.

I keep my sadness at the unlikeness of being a grandparent to myself I remind them that them being in a healthy relationship is far more important to me than who with.

Do you feel you can drop it in conversation at some point and leave her to work it out/think it through?

I don’t know. I’ve spoken about all this quite a lot with ds(18) as he has friends who are gay / bi / trans / asexual. I guess it’s just a slightly different one to put a name too.. like is it super different from just being happily single? I’m not being facetious, just more along the lines of I had plenty of sex in my teens / twenties, haven’t done it for 6 or 7 years, and really have no desire to ever do it again. So what does that make me? Can you become asexual?
I would certainly be supportive of my dc though, whatever my inner thoughts were.

I wouldn’t care. Their life, their choice and not necessarily my business. They’re my child no matter what their sexuality is.

I don’t care about having grandchildren or having a daughter in law or a son in law. I care that my child is happy within themselves and with their life. They have one life and I want them to be happy, not worried that their parents would judge them on something they can’t help.

@WerkHorse, you asked about feelings. I'm not asexual, but I'd put myself on the asexual end of the spectrum, and demisexual feels like the closest fit. The best way that I can describe it is being a bit like those threads where people describe "the ick" where they lose all sexual feelings for their partner. I feel that way about almost everyone. Sometimes I feel attracted to people in a way that isn't really sexual, and I want to spend time with them and touch them, but it's the sort of physical affection that you feel towards a close family member or very close friend, where snuggling and hair stroking and that sort of thing is lovely, but the thought of having sex, or kissing with tongues is just...utterly wrong and horrible, like snogging your brother. Very occasionally, there will be someone who doesn't set off the ick response, but I'm middle aged and I've met maybe 5, definitely fewer than 10 people in my life who fit into that category, and it has never happened unless I already knew them.I married one of them, who is the only person I've ever slept with, so my life isn't really different from people who are attracted to lots of people and chose one to settle down with. I like sex a lot with the right person - it's just thst for me, the right person is very rare. I do find some fairly normal behaviours strange and hard to understand, like sexual infidelity, and flirting/hooking up with strangers in a club or bar, or speed dating, or having sex with or even a crush on someone you don't know well.

But everyone's different, and I'd count myself as demisexual at most, not asexual.

Can you become asexual?

In the same way that people who have spent their whole life being straight can become gay/bi. I see sexuality as a spectrum so I believe so.

like is it super different from just being happily single?

I didn't fancy anyone. At a time when everyone at school was debating which member of Take That was the hottest and putting posters up on their walls, I felt SO left out and different.

That it's a phase

But always supportive always

These are two fundamentally incompatible approaches. You can’t simultaneously write someone’s sexual orientation off as a phase and be supportive. The former precludes the latter.

I suspect that this may be coming in our family. I plan to say that however she feels is real and a perfectly acceptable way to live her life. While I take great happiness in my sexual relationship, that doesn’t mean it’s the only path to happiness. I will also point out that we should never let labels control our decisions and that she should seek happiness in life wherever that takes her, not a prescribed way of being. Basically an extension of the conversations we had when she was little about not worrying about confirming to stereotypes in choices of toys, colors, clothing etc and being ok to change preferences too.

I just don't believe it's a thing.

As I said - you can claim elephants don’t exist until you’re blue in the face but it doesn’t change reality. Asexuals aren’t like tinkerbell; whether you believe in them or not, they’re there.

You mighy suffer loss of libido or have mental illness or on medication with loss of libido as a side effect but to make it a thing that you come out as?! Ridiculous.

Asexuality is not a mental illness (wildly offensive) or a simple loss of libido. It isn’t something which needs fixed. It isn’t a flaw or a failure. It is a sexual orientation like any other.

How much you shag or how horny or not you get is not something to come out as!

Asexuality has nothing to do with whether you get horny or how much you shag. Some asexuals experience arousal. Some asexuals have sex. Some heterosexual / bisexual / gay / lesbian people choose to be celibate. It doesn’t change their orientation.

It is absolutely not like homosexuality in my view. Seems everything these days needs a label, red tape and coming out party 🙄 preoccupation with finding ways to redifine things that were ticking along just fine as is.

Ticking along fine for whom? Clearly not asexuals, who have struggled with stigma, prejudice and ignorance and who are now campaigning for the same understanding and tolerance everyone should be entitled to.