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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

If your child came out as an asexual, how would you feel/react?

386 replies

WellThisWentWell · 13/09/2020 13:11

Yanbu= would love and accept them for who they are

Yabu= asexuality isin’t real, they just haven’t met the ’one’

OP posts:
MintyCedric · 13/09/2020 13:58

Notwithstanding usual parental responsibility, my child's sex life is really none of my business.

Original poster
WellThisWentWell · 13/09/2020 13:59

I’m the asexual one. Well into my adulthood.
I’ve never dated (and yes, asexual do date, but i’ve never met anyone who would be okey with the no sex part) and my mom has made some comments and had questions.

So i beat the around the bush and kinda let her know i’m not interested in anything physical.

She went on the you just need to meet the right one mantra.
I could never talk to her about asexuality.

I would like to say i’m so happy to read your posts!
Thank you!!
I wish my mom/parents could have this view.

OP posts:
ameliajoan · 13/09/2020 13:59

I’ll always love my children unconditionally so I would smile politely and remind them of this.

Inwardly I’d roll my eyes and wait for the phase to pass.

TempestHayes · 13/09/2020 14:00

It's never once occurred to me to feel any differently about my children based on their relationship preferences.

Besides, I would rather neither had children anyway. I am not one of those people who "longs" for grandchildren. I think they'll both be happier childfree.

ChristmasinJune · 13/09/2020 14:01

Depends slightly on the age of the child.

Firstly I'd let them know that they were accepted no matter what and were free to make their own choices regarding sexuality.

If they were younger than 18 I think I'd be advising them that labels aren't important. They shouldn't be too quick to label themselves. Relationships and sex aren't the only important thing in life. So what they're saying is that they don't want to pursue these just now and may never want to... which is fine. On the other hand they may find that things change as they get older and they should remain open to that.

Older than 18 I think I'd just accept it and be happy my adult child felt that they could confide in me.

Sanitisethat · 13/09/2020 14:02

I’m so sorry OP, that’s rough. One of my best friends from uni is asexual. She had a couple of sexual experiences at university but has since come to acknowledge that she’s asexual. She is constantly fighting people’s assumptions that she’s cold, emotionless, uninterested in people etc. She’s actually a hugely warm person with powerful, intimate, platonic (and sometimes romantic) relationships which are just as meaningful as any sexual relationship could be. She always says that her sexual orientation doesn’t cause her any strife, but the reactions of other people to it does.

ChristmasinJune · 13/09/2020 14:02

Whoops missed your last update sorry!

unlimiteddilutingjuice · 13/09/2020 14:04

My feeling is that young people sometimes adopt "asexuality" in response to the increasing hyper sexualisation of society.
It's an explanation for the discomfort they feel that makes sense to them and may be more likely to be accepted by their peer group. I think it's mostly a healthy response so I would feel pleased and relieved if my kid "came out" as asexual. I would also be prepared for them to change their mind as they matured.

unlimiteddilutingjuice · 13/09/2020 14:06

Oops just read your update OP.
If you don't want to have sex you don't want to have sex.
Good luck with your Mum Flowers

BeingATwatItsABingThing · 13/09/2020 14:07

@ameliajoan

I’ll always love my children unconditionally so I would smile politely and remind them of this.

Inwardly I’d roll my eyes and wait for the phase to pass.

Well, aren’t you a delight!
slashlover · 13/09/2020 14:09

Well, is your child 13 or 33? Our answers may be different!

Why? I was certainly asexual at 13 (even if I didn't have a word for it and just felt out of place), I was asexual at 33 and I'm still asexual at the age of 42.

Seeingadistance · 13/09/2020 14:11

@Calabasa

first i'd question what there was about my parenting that would make them feel they needed to 'come out' to me...

then i'd go 'thats nice dear' and carry on as normal.

This.
ameliajoan · 13/09/2020 14:13

Well, aren’t you a delight!

About as delightful as informing your parents of your sexual preferences and wanting love and support for them Confused

It’s a “that’s nice, dear” kind of situation.

blagaaw99 · 13/09/2020 14:17

Why would I be bothered?! Confused

Sanitisethat · 13/09/2020 14:18

About as delightful as informing your parents of your sexual preferences and wanting love and support for them

People who insist on conflating sexual orientation with sexual preferences are almost always guilty of bigoted behaviour.

slashlover · 13/09/2020 14:20

It’s a “that’s nice, dear” kind of situation.

doesn't really match with

Inwardly I’d roll my eyes and wait for the phase to pass.

Which is patronising and dismissive.

blagaaw99 · 13/09/2020 14:21

Just read your post op. I think you're ok to do as you choose. Try and not worry about your mum's views Flowers

slashlover · 13/09/2020 14:25

@WellThisWentWell Have you been on AVEN? I found the forums to be a good support where I could chat with people who understand where I'm coming from.

There's also Asexual Bingo which you could play in your head when your mum comments. Grin

BeingATwatItsABingThing · 13/09/2020 14:26

@slashlover

It’s a “that’s nice, dear” kind of situation.

doesn't really match with

Inwardly I’d roll my eyes and wait for the phase to pass.

Which is patronising and dismissive.

This. Sorry @ameliajoan but your post doesn’t make you sound good.
Original poster
WellThisWentWell · 13/09/2020 14:28

@slashlover

I have been to Aven, yes.
It’s been awhile, but i wasn’t (can’t remeber why) a big fan.

Yes to the bingo, good idea!

Thank you!
I read your PP, so a asexual👋🏼 to you 😀!
Have good day!

OP posts:
picklemewalnuts · 13/09/2020 14:32

@Sanitisethat I understand what you mean, but believe the days when we assumed everyone was straight have passed. People usually mention a wife/boyfriend/partner at some point and until then we don't assume.

I would say we need to get better at not talking constantly about other people's situations- 'when are you two going to have kids then/settle down/get married/move in together' etc.

It just needs to stop. Stop being so intrusive.

catgirl1976 · 13/09/2020 14:35

Assuming a
Younger child or teen I would say “That’s nice dear”

Then carry on with my day and wait for them to grow out of it.

catgirl1976 · 13/09/2020 14:38

Oh just read the full thread. I’d still say “that’s nice dear” for an adult child, then give you a hug, then carry on with my day. The only thing I’d do differently is not wait for you to grow out of it as, as an adult this is clearly who you are which is perfectly fine as long as you are happy.

HermioneWeasley · 13/09/2020 14:42

If an adult child told me this, I’d suggest therapy. I don’t think it’s normal to not want sex, and they’re missing out on something wonderful.

Beamur · 13/09/2020 14:42

My DD and I have been talking about this and aromatic relationships lately. She's early teens and just figuring stuff out. It's been interesting to hear her take on this.
I'm not a big fan of identity politics but actually, we do live in a world where the default is so totally hetero-normative that having a way of describing yourself, both to yourself and to others when you don't 'fit' that mould or expectation, I can see the value in.
My view fwiw is that there will be people who don't feel the need for a physical relationship and there are also people who may only have intimate relationships occasionally, or highly selectively.
If my DD wants to talk to me about this, fine, if she wants to tell me she is, also fine. As long as she is happy with her choices in life, that's good for me. She doesn't owe me grandchildren and I would much prefer her to be happily single or in a relationship with a like minded person if that's what works for her.
She doesn't need to tell me that though or justify her choices.
My only caveat to this would be any concern I might have that this was a reaction against trauma that she is concealing.