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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

If your child came out as an asexual, how would you feel/react?

386 replies

WellThisWentWell · 13/09/2020 13:11

Yanbu= would love and accept them for who they are

Yabu= asexuality isin’t real, they just haven’t met the ’one’

OP posts:
MorrisZapp · 13/09/2020 18:13

Why on earth would anybody who doesn't want to have sex with you need to know that you're asexual? The whole thing is baffling. Why is it 'coming out'? It isn't a sexual orientation any more than being single or coupled up is an orientation.

I'd be like 'sure, whatever you're comfortable with' to my kid if they 'came out' with this, but internally I'd be wtfing, to be honest.

Tiggerdig · 13/09/2020 18:15

I’m literally gobsmacked and dismayed that so many people don’t understand or believe in or accept asexuality in 2020. Mumsnetters fall over themselves to be supportive of the trans community and homosexuality ( correctly of course).
Asexuality is NOT the same as low libido at all.
FWIW I would not bother in the slightest if one of my teens came out as asexual but I would discuss it and support as needed.

Tiggerdig · 13/09/2020 18:15

Of course asexuality is an orientation.
This is a depressing read.

MorrisZapp · 13/09/2020 18:16

What does an asexual teenager need support with?

slashlover · 13/09/2020 18:17

Why on earth would anybody who doesn't want to have sex with you need to know that you're asexual? The whole thing is baffling. Why is it 'coming out'? It isn't a sexual orientation any more than being single or coupled up is an orientation.

How is it not an orientation? An orientation is who you are sexually attracted to, even if that answer is nobody.

Tiggerdig · 13/09/2020 18:17

Well that will depend but perhaps they are still romantically attracted and want relationships but that is going to be difficult due to expectations etc

Terrace58 · 13/09/2020 18:17

I used to get called a prude. Today I would get an asexual or semi sexual label which is ridiculous. in fact with a trusted partner, I actually fall to the kinkier end of the spectrum.

My worry about teens placing labels on themselves is that they will feel bound by them.

They are also wholly unnecessary. No one cares about an individuals sexual preferences except potential partners. And I mean preferences for sex acts here, not your romantic or physical attraction template for partners. Your attraction template can very easily become public since our partnering is socially visible. Our bedroom activities are private so the same labels and even community aren’t as essential.

UntilYourNextHairBrainedScheme · 13/09/2020 18:18

Asexual means without sexual feelings.

Which is fine, but why are a couple of posters claiming that some asexual people experience sexual arousal and have sex. That's like saying some people with blue eyes have green eyes, it's just nonsense if you believe words actually mean anything!

slashlover · 13/09/2020 18:18

What does an asexual teenager need support with?

Support with people dismissing their very real feelings by saying things like this.

Why on earth would anybody who doesn't want to have sex with you need to know that you're asexual? The whole thing is baffling. Why is it 'coming out'? It isn't a sexual orientation any more than being single or coupled up is an orientation.

Codexdivinchi · 13/09/2020 18:20

@MorrisZapp

What does an asexual teenager need support with?
Quite!

It’s not a movement or ‘outing’ or sexual preference.

I honestly wouldn’t bat an eye. I think most women become asexual any way after kids Grin

FudgeBrownie2019 · 13/09/2020 18:20

As parent to a teen I don't think there's a great deal he could come out with sexuality-wise that would shock or upset me. If he's gay, fine, if he's straight, fine, if he's asexual, fine. None of these things will affect or harm me in any way, none of these things will affect or harm others. I hope he will find a partner to give and receive love but if he doesn't and he finds happiness without a lover or partner, life goes on.

Parents who genuinely have trouble with their DC's sexuality are odd - why would it matter to you?

MorrisZapp · 13/09/2020 18:21

That's a circular argument. Why would a teenager get comments about asexuality unless they told people they were asexual? It's nobody's business but theirs so why draw attention to it? Loads of teenagers aren't in sexual relationships. No explanation needed.

askinfforfriend · 13/09/2020 18:21

I would want them to see a dr just in case there's an underlying endocrinologic reason for it. Sexual desire is physical, comes from hormones. To not have it may mean there's a physiological issue that needs looked into, like a pituitary tumour for example.

slashlover · 13/09/2020 18:22

Which is fine, but why are a couple of posters claiming that some asexual people experience sexual arousal and have sex.

Sexual arousal is a physical thing, it can be affected by hormones etc. For example, a man having a hard on in the morning is caused by a surge of hormones and not by being sexually attracted to someone

Asexual people aren't always sex adverse, some people don't fancy their DHs any more but still love them and have sex. Asexual people can love their partner and enjoy sex but not be sexually attracted to their partner.

Codexdivinchi · 13/09/2020 18:22

Why on earth would anybody who doesn't want to have sex with you need to know that you're asexual? The whole thing is baffling. Why is it 'coming out'? It isn't a sexual orientation any more than being single or coupled up is an orientation

I totally agree with this.

Although I would offer support at family weddings ect when every Aunt asks why they are not married yet and not to worry because one day they will meet some one.. Grin

MorrisZapp · 13/09/2020 18:24

Asexual people can enjoy sex? Then how are they asexual, this doesn't make sense.

Sanitisethat · 13/09/2020 18:26

Mumsnetters fall over themselves to be supportive of the trans community

Er, no. They don’t. This site is famously transphobic. I’ve also seen a depressing level of biphobia and a fair amount of homophobia too. It’s completely unsurprising to me that asexuality is also poorly understood (although there have been some decent posters on this thread and others).

SimonJT · 13/09/2020 18:27

@Tiggerdig

I’m literally gobsmacked and dismayed that so many people don’t understand or believe in or accept asexuality in 2020. Mumsnetters fall over themselves to be supportive of the trans community and homosexuality ( correctly of course). Asexuality is NOT the same as low libido at all. FWIW I would not bother in the slightest if one of my teens came out as asexual but I would discuss it and support as needed.
MN falls over itself to do the opposite!
Grellbunt · 13/09/2020 18:28

So if this is the case:

“ Asexuality has nothing to do with whether you get horny or how much you shag. Some asexuals experience arousal. Some asexuals have sex. Some heterosexual / bisexual / gay / lesbian people choose to be celibate. It doesn’t change their orientation. ”....

....Then what on earth IS being asexual?

UntilYourNextHairBrainedScheme · 13/09/2020 18:28

slashlover that's not being asexual, it's just not fancing a specific person who you nevertheless love. That's very time and place and partner specific, not an intrinsic sexuality.

Asexuality is not having sexual feelings. To claim it is situational makes it a nonsense. Like claiming the intrinsic identity of being green eyed when wearing green contact lenses over blue eyes.

Grellbunt · 13/09/2020 18:28

@MorrisZapp

Asexual people can enjoy sex? Then how are they asexual, this doesn't make sense.
Well, exactly!? Honestly, please explain.
Sanitisethat · 13/09/2020 18:29

for those struggling with the difference between sexual attraction and arousal / libido, this is a useful introductory article: www.healthline.com/health/what-is-asexual#desire-vs-attraction

It’s understandable to be confused at first because these things aren’t always well known, but there is a wealth of information out there. Much better to take the time to read and educate yourself than to just assume that because something is new to you it isn’t real.

slashlover · 13/09/2020 18:32

That's a circular argument. Why would a teenager get comments about asexuality unless they told people they were asexual? It's nobody's business but theirs so why draw attention to it? Loads of teenagers aren't in sexual relationships. No explanation needed.

When I was at school there was much discussion about which member of Take That you fancied. We filled in the Smash Hits Poll Winners Party forms which included 'Sexiest Male'. We covered our books with posters of the celebrities we thought were hot. There were sleepovers where the major topic of conversation was who fancied who and which boy we wanted to date.

I spent the majority of my teens hiding how I felt and pretending that I had a major crush on Mark Owen. I felt so alone and that I was the only one who felt this way. In my early 20s I seriously considered going to a therapist because their MUST be something wrong with me. I fully believe that my lack of knowledge about my sexuality was a major cause of my depression. I discovered asexuality and it was like I suddenly fitted in, I suddenly had a whole group of people who understood.

b0redb0redb0red · 13/09/2020 18:32

There’s also a fair bit of shittiness towards childfree women, Sanitisethat. Basically, there are a lot of people on MN who can’t handle the idea that other women might “tick” differently to them, or might find the meaning of their life in different things.

butterpuffed · 13/09/2020 18:34

I think if your child decided they wanted to tell you they're asexual, they could possibly have had much soul searching and worrying, so it sounds very dismissive of several posters in here to say they wouldn't bat an eyelid or just comment 'That's nice dear'