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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

If your child came out as an asexual, how would you feel/react?

386 replies

WellThisWentWell · 13/09/2020 13:11

Yanbu= would love and accept them for who they are

Yabu= asexuality isin’t real, they just haven’t met the ’one’

OP posts:
slashlover · 13/09/2020 15:48

Then what is it about?

No feeling sexually attracted to anyone, which is different from having sex. People can be sexually attracted to someone without having sex or have sex with someone they're not sexually attracted to.

slashlover · 13/09/2020 15:52

I feel uncomfortable to know about this intimate area of my childs life. Its essentially no sex drive? Fine, why do you need to come out? What if a person is extrasexual then? I think it's another mellinium nonesense. Low libido is still on the spectrum of normality. Liking people for who they are is like, being a low libido bisexual.

It's not about having no sex drive or having no libido. I'm 42, hardly anything to do with 'millinium nonsense'.

Why are multiple people saying that their child talking about their asexuality is talking about an intimate area of their life? Would you feel the same if your DD said they had a BF? Would you think that if your DD said she was pregnant?

b0redb0redb0red · 13/09/2020 15:56

Totally understand how you feel, OP. I’m nearly 40 and I’ve never wavered in knowing that I’m asexual, even though I didn’t know it was a thing until I was in my twenties. It’s not been easy because I’ve had years of people telling me that I don’t know my own mind, that I must have been raped and forgotten about it (which really messed with my head), that all women have to want to be “normal” (that last one was from a GP!). Oh, and I’ve had plenty of men wanting to “cure” me, including my mother’s fucking partner. So I think it’s important to talk about these things - when I was a teenager, seeing just one character like me in a book would have helped so much with my self-esteem.

I certainly don’t have a lonely life - I have plenty of loved ones in my life, including great friends and my DD.

LauraAshleyDuvetCover · 13/09/2020 15:57

I know a couple of people who are asexual, and they're now in LTRs and the majority have sex (one is pregnant, and one posts about it a lot on Facebook, I didn't ask!). The only one I know who doesn't have sex is a bi man in a relationship with a man, but he's slept with girls before and enjoyed it, so 'completely asexual' probably isn't the right definition there.

So while I'd say "thank you for telling me" and possibly understand why you were single for long periods, I don't think I'd be particularly bothered because it might not actually make much difference in the long run.

I'd hope you'd find somebody nice to share your life with so you weren't lonely, but then I wouldn't want to know whether you were having sex or not!

Pepperwort · 13/09/2020 16:00

Quite happy that they’re able to see beyond the over-sexualised poverty of much of British culture. I’d be concerned about how the world would treat them for it, but that’s a normal worry.

picklemewalnuts · 13/09/2020 16:03

"Why are multiple people saying that their child talking about their asexuality is talking about an intimate area of their life? Would you feel the same if your DD said they had a BF? Would you think that if your DD said she was pregnant?"

You'd tell someone about a boyfriend so they know who you are talking about or introducing them to. With a pregnancy, because there will be changes ahead. If nothing is changing, there's no need to talk about it. I don't tell my parents whether DH and I have high or low libidos, whether we enjoy kink or are straight vanilla.

BiBabbles · 13/09/2020 16:03

Asexual, as a term to refer to someone not feeling sexually attracted, is generally considered to over 100 years old, not much younger than homosexual as a term. Demisexual and gray-ace is significantly younger, but as the OP said, they've mainly grown out of a desire to connect to like-minded people and feel less broken in an very sexualized society.

At my children's current ages, I would say that it's a possibility and leaving it entirely in their hands if they wanted to discuss their thoughts and feelings around it more - just like I've done when my children have said 'I think I'm...' when thinking outloud about other sexualities. It's been less coming out or feeling any need to announce it, more it coming up in conversations and wanting to talk through the messages they've gotten elsewhere.

I tend to focus these topics on how some people take longer to figure these out than others & no pressure to be certain on it now, it doesn't change any of of their other traits or worth, and they can discuss it with me. One of mine has had times of wanting to talk her thoughts out - I think she's felt more pressure from others and I've reassured it that it doesn't make her identity, another of mine I think would rather have his fingernails pulled out & seems quite content to his business.

Thelnebriati · 13/09/2020 16:04

I think with this kind of thread it helps if OP defines the terms they are using, because the word 'child' could mean child or adult, and there doesn't seem to be agreement on what 'asexual' means either. I assumed asexual people have no interest in sex.

madcatladyforever · 13/09/2020 16:05

I am asexual, I have been married a few times, each time a big mistake.
I cannot live with a man as I never have any romantic or sexual feelings for them.
Its a lonely life really, it's like being blind or deaf. I would be very sad if my son was like me.

picklemewalnuts · 13/09/2020 16:05

I go back to the need to stop making assumptions and being intrusive about each other's lives. It would solve all the
When are you going to get a boyfriend/settle down/have children
That upsets many people for many reasons.

slashlover · 13/09/2020 16:10

You'd tell someone about a boyfriend so they know who you are talking about or introducing them to. With a pregnancy, because there will be changes ahead. If nothing is changing, there's no need to talk about it. I don't tell my parents whether DH and I have high or low libidos, whether we enjoy kink or are straight vanilla.

Being asexual is not about whether you do or don't have sex.

When parents are constantly asking if you're dating/when are you going to meet someone/trying to set you up then you need a shorthand way of telling them that you're not interested.

Do you think people shouldn't come out as gay?

LauraAshleyDuvetCover · 13/09/2020 16:12

Actually, if you were in or had just come out of an early "young adult" relationship, I think I'd want to check that nothing had happened to hurt you or put you off — whether you'd been pressured into doing something you didn't want to do, or even were scared about it hurting or pregnancy.

Probably not in your case, but I would want to check that it wasn't a reaction to something. Which would probably be really annoying to the young person, but I think depending on the circumstances, I'd want to know that it's "just" how they were, and not that something had happened to cause them to feel like that.

Emeraldshamrock · 13/09/2020 16:18

It wouldn't bother me in the slightest as long as they felt okay.
It doesn't change who you are OP your sexual desires are your own business.

BitOfANameChange · 13/09/2020 16:23

At this point in time, I suspect my DS is asexual. He's 16, and coming though depression caused by living with his abusive dad. (I left when I realise the DC and I were all being abused.)

As he grows older and continues to recover, that may well change. But ultimately, he is who he is, and as long as he's happy, I don't give a shit.

Mittens030869 · 13/09/2020 16:31

I think there's a difference between not having any sexual desire at all and not being able to have sex as a result of a traumatic incident. My DSis isn't able to have full sex as a result of the SA she and I went through as children. It isn't the case that she doesn't want sexual intimacy, she just isn't able to do it and has what's known as vaginismus. But she's now happily married and was able to have 2 DC naturally through artificial insemination.

I also struggle in this area, though not to the same extent. It's definitely not about a lack of sexual attraction, it's a fear of the act of sex and not seeing it as an act of love.

My understanding of the term asexual is that it refers to someone who doesn't experience sexual attraction at all, rather than not being able to cope with the act.

If it was one of my DDs, the issue would be whether they were happy as they were. I obviously wouldn't judge them, but if it was something they were troubled about, then I would encourage them to go for therapy. If they were happy with their life, then I would be happy to let them get on with it.

b0redb0redb0red · 13/09/2020 16:34

Also, it makes me Hmm that we only tell people they’re too young to know their own minds and shouldn’t label themselves if they identify as something other than straight. I know plenty of 30-something gay, lesbian and bisexual people who were 100 per cent convinced that they were completely heterosexual when we were all 16 or 17 (and I mean genuinely convinced, not just in the closet. My best friend still complains about the fact that I didn’t tell her she might be a lesbian, because she didn’t have a clue). But I don’t go round saying to teenagers “sure, you think you’re straight now but you’re too young to know for sure. Wait until you meet the right person!”. If someone tells you something about their sexuality, listen and be accepting. If their understanding of their sexuality changes later, you’ve lost nothing by listening without judging or questioning them.

QuestionMarkNow · 13/09/2020 16:36

I wouldn’t care about my dc sexuality unless it was making them miserable.

So a 30yo wo never had a sexual relationship but had never said they are asexual would worry me. Esp as the answers you give don’t say I’m happy that way as such. There are many many reasons why someone never had a sexual relationship and it’s more likely to come from a place of hurt than being asexual iyswim.
I personally would prefer my dc. To TELL ME directly they are asexual rather than making vague comments.

thirdfiddle · 13/09/2020 16:36

I know people who've changed their mind about their sexuality well into adulthood. So at any age I'd be kind of - that's cool, if that label helps you for now. I would hope they know there's really no need to come out to me like it's a big deal announcement. Any partners/friends they want to introduce to us at any point are welcome without question and without a third degree as to sexual partner status unless needed for practical purposes, e.g. to find out if they want to share a room visiting.

I'd try to understand what they actually mean by it if they did feel the need to announce it - they don't want any relationship? They want romantic asexual relationships (in which case label is distinctly helpful and they might be wanting sympathy as that's hard to find)? They want to let me know not to expect grandkids? They want to ask me to stfu about finding a partner? I hope I wouldn't be so tactless in the first place!

Wimpeyspread · 13/09/2020 16:44

@HermioneWeasley

If an adult child told me this, I’d suggest therapy. I don’t think it’s normal to not want sex, and they’re missing out on something wonderful.
But for them it isn’t wonderful! Do you advocate therapy for people who are gay also?
SimonJT · 13/09/2020 16:45

@HermioneWeasley

If an adult child told me this, I’d suggest therapy. I don’t think it’s normal to not want sex, and they’re missing out on something wonderful.
Thankfully such therapy is now being made illegal in the UK.
cosmicdoughnut · 13/09/2020 16:45

I'd continue to love and support them but would feel sad as enjoyable sex is one of the best things in the world and natural.

Miseryl · 13/09/2020 16:51

Can you become asexual? I've

slashlover · 13/09/2020 16:56

I'd continue to love and support them but would feel sad as enjoyable sex is one of the best things in the world and natural.

Most enjoyable for you, not everyone like the same things.

Sanitisethat · 13/09/2020 17:00

If an adult child told me this, I’d suggest therapy. I don’t think it’s normal to not want sex, and they’re missing out on something wonderful.

An excellent illustration of why education is so important. Ignorance like this is very harmful, and there’s lots of work to be done to overcome it.

WerkHorse · 13/09/2020 17:00

Can I please ask those here who are asexual what their definition of it is? My understanding is that it is not feeling sexually attracted to anyone and no 'feelings' that you would like to have sex with another person.

Feelings - for me - would be physical such as stomach butterflies, getting wet (sorry if tmi), raising heart/pulse, feeling hot; and mental such as OMG OMG OMG OMG I love them (lust), thinking about them, fantasising about them. Oh and masterbation whilst thinking about them. At a younger age I suppose that would manifest as a 'crush'.

So for you, no crushes and no physical or mental feelings/thoughts as above?

To answer your question OP I would love and accept them but I would worried about them being lonely because 'most' people want to be in a living, sexual relationship throughout their life.