If your child came out as an asexual, how would you feel/react?

[WellThisWentWell]

Yanbu= would love and accept them for who they are

Yabu= asexuality isin’t real, they just haven’t met the ’one’

I think it’s also worth pointing out that complaining about labels - particularly in the context of complaining about other people using them - almost always comes from a place of privilege.

It’s so easy to say ‘why do you need to label yourself, why can’t you just get on with it without making a big song and dance’ when your sexual orientation is the one that is automatically assumed. Of course you don’t feel a need to label yourself as straight when everyone already assumes that you are, and when you see your orientation freely expressed everywhere, represented in the media and presented as the ‘normal’ one.

I bet you would be a little more keen on labels if everyone actually assumed you were gay or bisexual unless you told them otherwise. You might be keener to find a community of other straight people if you hardly ever saw straight relationships portrayed on tv (and if, when you did, they tended to be portrayed as tragic, damaged or oversexualised). You might want to find others like you if you knew that a sizeable portion of the world considered you a criminal for being straight, or thought you needed therapy, or dismissed it as a mental illness.

‘Labels’ often help people to express pride in who they are, to find others who share their experiences, to identify resources / art / literature which allow them to explore parts of themselves, to share elements of their identity with others, to be understood, to challenge stereotypes, to educate others. It’s not for straight people to decide that labels are harmful when they’re lucky enough to live in a world where their sexuality happens to be the one everyone assumes as a default.

I've never in my life been asked what my sexual orientation is, and can't think of a circumstance where I would ask a friend that question. It's just so intrusive.

Agree whole heartedly with Santisethat

I have been assumed gay, people have also assumed that I’m a sad sack that can’t get a date, or get a partner to stay with me. Unfuckable, must be a nightmare behind closed doors.

The question that’s been asked multiple times on this thread yet no one seems willing to read or understand the answers given to ‘why feel the need to come out?’ Because there is so misinformation and assumptions made about people not in relationships, or not having sex. Because sometimes those closest to us are concerned about us and want to know why we have never dated. Because we shouldn’t feel the need to hide in the shadows and pretend we aren’t who we are. Because we have nothing to feel ashamed of.

No, I will not openly announce my sexuality upon meeting you, as you all say, it’s none of your business.but if a friend or family member one day gets curious and says, hey, I’ve never known you to have a partner, can we have a conversation about that? Yes I absolutely will

Well put Sanitisethat. It's very human to label things and while it can become detrimental to overidentify with one, it's also detrimental to have none at all that is recognised as normal and to be able to discuss it.

Mittens I agree it's very intrusive, but some people are just rude. Teens (and some of the nosey adults around them) even when I was young in the '90s seem particularly like to ask if given much of a reason to do so. Older people tend to ask more indirectly like in JustanAunt's examples, but it's there. I have a friend in his thirites who has never dated, makes many self-depreciating upfront comments about it mainly as a shielf against rude people trying to either label or ask him rude questions about it.

I'm finding it difficult to reconcile the dictionary definition of asexual -a person who has no sexual feelings or desires., with some others' interpretations, which seem to include hornyness, and an interest in sex.

It's not possible, imo, to categorise the whole gamut of complicated intertwined human sexual, emotional and physical feelings and experiences with labels, and it sometimes seems to me that labels can be confining, rather than liberating,

This often leads to an ever increasing need to sub-divide categories to try and encompass every possible permutation.
You're never going to be able to achieve that, because ultimately we are all individuals, and I wish we could reach a point where everyone's individual choices are accepted as such, with no need for labels.

I bet you would be a little more keen on labels if everyone actually assumed you were gay or bisexual unless you told them otherwise. You might be keener to find a community of other straight people if you hardly ever saw straight relationships portrayed on tv (and if, when you did, they tended to be portrayed as tragic, damaged or oversexualised). You might want to find others like you if you knew that a sizeable portion of the world considered you a criminal for being straight, or thought you needed therapy, or dismissed it as a mental illness

Hang on. Your lumping being Asexual in with being gay - it’s entirely different. You don’t know my family set up so don’t assume anything - AND on many occasions it was assumed I was a lesbian the only time I ever had to say I was straight was when I was asked out for a drink by another woman.

Being gay and lesbian still carries stigma and bigotry - being Asexual doesn’t. Not a chance. Being asexual doesn’t mean persecution and possible death. When was the last time any one was battered for being asexual? Dont try and shoe horn it in with being gay.

I have a really big problem with labels in school as children develop at different stages. A child who has no desire for anyone purely because her body isn’t ready doesn’t need to be told she is x,y,z

Star signs, Myers-Briggs, Hogwarts Houses, A type / B type, 16PF, introvert or extrovert, Insight Personality Testing, palm reading, dream interpretations, therapy, self help books... a million different ways for people to try and understand themselves and share that understanding with others, a tradition going back thousands of years - since long before ‘know thyself’ was ever inscribed on the entrance to the oracle at Delphi.

But god forbid someone try to label their sexuality; only harm can come from such rampant, self-indulgent narcissism 🙄

Not a chance? Asexuals were pathologized and put into institutions, some asexuals were medically tortured, some asexuals have experienced corrective rape - they just need a good fucking to learn how great it is & stop being a prude. Sound familiar?

No, it's never been to the same extent, no where near, people have never roamed around to attack or viewed asexuality as a contagion like homosexuality and bisexuality or tried to make it illegal (other than the possibility of a woman saying no like other women), but that doesn't mean it has or doesn't now carry stigma and bigotry. It doesn't mean it is entirely different to other sexualities.

Yes, telling a child "You're X" can have detrimental effects, just like with any type of labeling that one can overidentify and make the core of one's sense of self, but there are also detrimental effects of not having a name for one's experiences. Listing off four sexualities as something kids can come to terms with themselves on their own time is not labeling them, it can be a tool just like the rest of the information in sex-ed that can turn detrimental when swung away from being informative.

Hang on. Your lumping being Asexual in with being gay - it’s entirely different. You don’t know my family set up so don’t assume anything - AND on many occasions it was assumed I was a lesbian the only time I ever had to say I was straight was when I was asked out for a drink by another woman.

My comments weren’t directed at you specifically. You have clearly had some experiences of people assuming your sexuality incorrectly; perhaps that’s given you some empathy for others who experience it all the time? Perhaps when you were asked out by a lesbian it was a relief to be able to say ‘sorry, I’m straight’ and know that you wouldn’t he stigmatised for that. I guess you felt confident in revealing your sexuality at that moment, unlike many lesbians who fear the reactions they will get from men when they tell them they’re a lesbian.

Being gay and lesbian still carries stigma and bigotry - being Asexual doesn’t. Not a chance. Being asexual doesn’t mean persecution and possible death. When was the last time any one was battered for being asexual? Dont try and shoe horn it in with being gay.

Asexuals absolutely do face stigma and discrimination - look at all the people on this thread talking about how they need therapy / are mentally ill / require treatment. And if you don’t believe they can face violence as a result of their identities, you should read this article in which an asexual woman discusses the link between asexuality and corrective rape / sexual assault: m.huffingtonpost.co.uk/entry/asexual-discrimination_n_3380551?ri18n=true&guccounter=1&guce_referrer=aHR0cHM6Ly9jb25zZW50LnlhaG9vLmNvbS92Mi9jb2xsZWN0Q29uc2VudD9zZXNzaW9uSWQ9M19jYy1zZXNzaW9uX2MxNGYwZjQxLWM1ZTktNGQ1Yy04MDI2LTU4NDlhZTgwMGFmZQ&guce_referrer_sig=AQAAAASbhuQ9c3ITDxX6X78eiTqxXDPNWP_xmfklNppP94MZJau4rMSo_JT98MF4DG-6rils5_0p5do9zCDyOZOaU0deKWv0jETFDeQtwV-pY_FctnSRJdPa5P67Q6BjVbEGSCa_NyiBUlQ8ssWlH8Bc9ZlO56w_Qm5rkGCS-OW9YUpr

I have a really big problem with labels in school as children develop at different stages. A child who has no desire for anyone purely because her body isn’t ready doesn’t need to be told she is x,y,z

It’s not like you’re handed a label as if it’s a prescription. Children aren’t being told they are anything. But sex education classes should include discussions about asexuality, because whether you talk about them or not, asexual people exist.

The actual fact of them being asexual wouldn't bother me at all. I would wonder why they were making a thing out of it though.

But god forbid someone try to label their sexuality; only harm can come from such rampant, self-indulgent narcissism

As an adult you can label yourself as a purple tea pot for all I care. But I don’t want yet another box for the kids in school to have decide if they fit in it or not thanks. They’ve enough to deal with.

It’s not like you’re handed a label as if it’s a prescription. Children aren’t being told they are anything

Actually they are. Maybe you should go and look at the safe schools alliance website.

As an adult you can label yourself as a purple tea pot for all I care. But I don’t want yet another box for the kids in school to have decide if they fit in it or not thanks. They’ve enough to deal with.

Yes, it’s much better just to ignore the possibility of any other sexuality than heterosexuality and leave the ones who aren’t straight to feel confused, weird, sidelined and abnormal

I’m bisexual and when I was at school it absolutely was not discussed. I thought I was just a straight girl with weird, perverted thoughts about other girls. I can’t tell you how much better my life would have been if my sex education had included a discussion about the fact that some people like both men and women, and that’s totally normal and ok.

And maybe if my peers had had the same education, I wouldn’t have had to put up with years of ignorant comments about how bisexuals are just straight girls who want attention, or greedy, or likely to be unfaithful, or only trying to titillate men, or lesbians in denial, or confused.

Hear you.

My ex girlfriend wouldn't stop telling me I was straight, you know how much that fucked my head up? Slut, whore etc from both men and women. That's fun.

And don't get me started on the I can cheat on you cause you cool with it thing.

Old maids were/still are shunned and ridiculed. Both my gay and asexual friends were encouraged to get a good fixing! Raped into normality.

@Sanitisethat I take it you love the film 'but I'm a cheerleader'? I really do, oh but wait your an individual not a stereotype. Shocker 😂

I would tell them that that is absolutely fine and to be happy and live a life they are comfortable with. I’d also feel privileged they were able to discuss it with me.

Depending on what age they were I’d also consider if they perhaps just weren’t ready yet and may change their mind with time. I possibly wouldn’t say those exact words to them, but would advice it’s ok to keep an open mind and that we as people do evolve over our lifetimes.

@Imworthit I haven’t actually seen it, because I’m clearly a fake bisexual

@MorrisZapp

Why on earth would anybody who doesn't want to have sex with you need to know that you're asexual? The whole thing is baffling. Why is it 'coming out'? It isn't a sexual orientation any more than being single or coupled up is an orientation.

I'd be like 'sure, whatever you're comfortable with' to my kid if they 'came out' with this, but internally I'd be wtfing, to be honest.

So if your kid never "came out" as asexual to you, you would never, from age 14-80 ever ever ask them if they fancied anyone, if they had a girlfriend/boyfriend, if they were gay, asked why they never brought a partner round to meet you, nagged them for grandchildren...?

It's not about the physical act of sex, as you seem to think, so not equivalent to 'mum, dad, I did it doggy style last night,' or 'As you have noticed I broke up with my ex so am now "coming out" as single, please support and respect me.'

It's about the emotional aspect of feeling and being a sexual orientation (except in this case the orientation is "none") so for many people it is worth "coming out" as asexual, in exactly the same way it would be worth coming out as gay; i.e., to have a label with which to meet others who are similar to you; define oneself; allow your family and friends to know your true self rather than having to hide a major part of you; explain to the ignorant that there is nothing "wrong" with you; and to stop aunty mabel asking "when are you going to settle down with a nice man," every christmas.

Sorry not trying to steal your thread. Am genuinely motivated by my asexual friends struggle and witnessing all the pain she went through to feel OK in her own skin.

But it is similar to being bi in a way where its deemed easier to just pretend your straight. When in reality it's awful.

You talk about confusing children, but seem to neglect the children who are asexual and feel confused because they don’t fit into everything they are taught about sex and relationships. I was confused because I didn’t know about asexuality. It wouldn’t have taken much to add on to the end of a sex Ed class that hey, some people don’t experience sexual attraction and that’s ok!

Same here. I just couldn't understand what the teachers meant in sex ed class (you will experience "urges", I was like, what the fuck is an "urge"? I'm almost 40 and have never experienced an urge 😅) or what the hell the other teenagers were talking about being "horny" etc. As it was my brother would just call me a lesbian, my mum asked me if I was gay, it was like "no, I just don't see other humans like that". But no one I knew understood what I meant.

I think kids of primary school age are becoming very confused about this, and when they're too young to understand. My DD2 (then 7) came home last year and told me that she was gay. This was because she and one of her best friends had a kiss on the lips. I told her that she was far too young to put a label on herself, and she's no longer worrying about it, thankfully, and just enjoys playing with her friends.

With children that age, it would be better to focus on online safety and their right to bodily autonomy, with regard to unwelcome physical contact from adults. They shouldn't be worrying about putting sexual labels on themselves.

[quote Sanitisethat]@Imworthit I haven’t actually seen it, because I’m clearly a fake bisexual [/quote]
You should it's really good.

Purhaps we should start another thread just to bitch about being fake bisexuals 😂

As it was my brother would just call me a lesbian, my mum asked me if I was gay, it was like "no, I just don't see other humans like that". But no one I knew understood what I meant.

I've had that. "There's no such thing as being asexual, you're just gay and repressed,"

I've also had a couple of people somehow come to the conclusion that I think I'm better than them because I don't have sex, like I look down on them or something.

I'm not often directly asked but I get a lot of "I'm going to help you find a man".

It’s gearing off topic from the main point of the thread, but there really is no danger with being honest with teenagers about what different sexual orientations exist. The moral panic surrounding this topic is exhausting. It needs to be taught right and at the right age, but ignoring certain sexual orientations and pretending they don’t exist is wrong

Love and accept them, of course. Find out more about asexuality. Ask them what they needed from me. Offer to chin people who express to them some of the views that have littered this thread. That sort of thing.