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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

If your child came out as an asexual, how would you feel/react?

386 replies

WellThisWentWell · 13/09/2020 13:11

Yanbu= would love and accept them for who they are

Yabu= asexuality isin’t real, they just haven’t met the ’one’

OP posts:
JaffaJaffJaffpussycatpuss · 13/09/2020 14:46

Yanbu.
I grew up in a house hold that was homophobic amongst other toxic point of views.
Acceptance is needed, also acceptance that things change as people grow.

slashlover · 13/09/2020 14:48

If an adult child told me this, I’d suggest therapy. I don’t think it’s normal to not want sex, and they’re missing out on something wonderful.

And this is why asexuality needs to be discussed more. Asexuality is not about not wanting sex. Some asexual people do have sex, have kids etc.

PinkiOcelot · 13/09/2020 14:49

@WellThisWentWell my daughter actually said to me last week, “you do know I’m asexual don’t you?!” I actually said, well how would I know that? However, I did go on to say “you obviously haven’t met the right person yet. Did I say the wrong thing?

Obviously, my feelings for her haven’t changed at all. She is who she is. I do think it could be a case of she hasn’t met the right person as she is only 16. Am I doing her a disservice? At what age did you realise this?

We haven’t spoken about it since.

ResIpsaLoquiturInterAlia · 13/09/2020 14:49

Asexual definition

adjective
Biology - having no gender or sexual organs and so independent of sexual processes, especially not involving the union of male and female germ cells.

noun
A person who is free from sexual desires or sexuality

I am guessing original poster that you are referring to the adjective meaning of asexual as child born with no gender or sexual organs.

As a parent you would love your child no matter what and adapt accordingly. What other option is there? I am no medic so naively assuming this is not screenable early on in pregnancy etc?

Original poster you also included the voting option relating to the noun meaning of not finding the 'one.' No really knowledgeable to know much about this as can't love in its general sense be implied to mean family/parental love and then possibly when into adulthood love for another in the traditional sense of finding a partner where love is mutual? Anyway good luck in this scenario to anyone with this predicament. Frankly I needed to double check definition as was not immediately sure of asexual meaning(s)!

slashlover · 13/09/2020 14:55

my daughter actually said to me last week, “you do know I’m asexual don’t you?!” I actually said, well how would I know that? However, I did go on to say “you obviously haven’t met the right person yet. Did I say the wrong thing?

Obviously, my feelings for her haven’t changed at all. She is who she is. I do think it could be a case of she hasn’t met the right person as she is only 16. Am I doing her a disservice? At what age did you realise this?

I'm not the OP but if your daughter said she was gay would you say she just hadn't met the right boy yet? If she said she was straight then would you say she just hadn't met the right girl yet?

I knew I was asexual when people in my class started dating and talking about who they fancied and I just...didn't get it. Your DD may be going through a phase or she may be asexual for the rest of her life. Please don't dismiss how she feels right now.

There's an FAQ here you might find helpful. www.asexuality.org/?q=family.html

Beamur · 13/09/2020 14:57

I'm going with the noun meaning, the doctors would probably have told me about the former when she was born.

slashlover · 13/09/2020 14:57

I am guessing original poster that you are referring to the adjective meaning of asexual as child born with no gender or sexual organs.

As a parent you would love your child no matter what and adapt accordingly. What other option is there? I am no medic so naively assuming this is not screenable early on in pregnancy etc?

Original poster you also included the voting option relating to the noun meaning of not finding the 'one.' No really knowledgeable to know much about this as can't love in its general sense be implied to mean family/parental love and then possibly when into adulthood love for another in the traditional sense of finding a partner where love is mutual? Anyway good luck in this scenario to anyone with this predicament. Frankly I needed to double check definition as was not immediately sure of asexual meaning(s)!

I sincerely hope you're trolling.

Original poster
WellThisWentWell · 13/09/2020 15:00

@PinkiOcelot

If your daughter would have said she’s a lesbian, would you have said she just haven’t met the right guy?

Asexuals get this quite a lot i think.
So it’s not the best thing to say.

Not my place, but ” Obviously, my feelings for her haven’t changed at all. She is who she is.” sound great.
Maybe you could tell her that.

Personally i knew since i was 13 or 14.

OP posts:
ResIpsaLoquiturInterAlia · 13/09/2020 15:03

@slashlover

No not "trolling" as that is intentionally rude and unnecessary. I am not this. curious yes but trolling NO!

I am naively learning more about this and do not require and instant antagonist inference as not everyone is an armchair keyboard warrior subject specialist and experienced in asexual issues.

thatplaceinjordan · 13/09/2020 15:04

I really wouldn't care as long as they were happy.

I'd be worried about them being lonely if they never have any relationship.

I'm pretty certain one of my husbands siblings is asexual.

It's a sexuality and not really my business

RobinlovesCormoran · 13/09/2020 15:08

I'd be asking myself, is she safe and happy? If yes and yes, then I wouldn't have a problem. Give her a hug, tell her I love her, and that's it.

Yy, same with coming out as gay, or bi, or any other sexuality.

slashlover · 13/09/2020 15:10

No not "trolling" as that is intentionally rude and unnecessary. I am not this. curious yes but trolling NO!

I am naively learning more about this and do not require and instant antagonist inference as not everyone is an armchair keyboard warrior subject specialist and experienced in asexual issues.

So out of the choice of someone with no genitals and someone who doesn't feel sexual attraction you chose to believe OP has no genitals? Even though her question was about they just haven’t met the ’one’

MattBerrysHair · 13/09/2020 15:14

Honestly it wouldn't be an issue. I'd worry about what they may have been through in order to come to that realisation, but so long as they are happy in themselves their sexuality is none of my business.

UntilYourNextHairBrainedScheme · 13/09/2020 15:15

As my kids are teens I'd be perfectly happy as long as they were ... However I am not a big fan of the current need so many people have to put a label on themselves. You're just yourself - there's no obligation to be in a relationship with anyone if you're happy and content not to be.

With the constant determination to adopt labels and publish them a lot of people seem to be fighting phantoms - as long as you're happy and safe just be yourself, stay single or have relationships with whichever single consenting adults you are attracted to, dress how you want, follow the hobbies and interests that appeal to you, have the career you want - but don't cut off your own nose to spite your face by closing and bricking up all doors to future possibilities and hanging a sandwich board over yourself to advertise the fact...

Mittens030869 · 13/09/2020 15:16

If one of my two DDs told me this, I would accept what she said, as it's up to any individual person whether they want to be in a relationship or not. I wouldn't want them to feel they have to be in a relationship because it's what's expected, and certainly not because their parents wanted grandchildren!

No one is under any obligation to have sex or be in a relationship. If it was one of my DDs, if she was happy on her own, and had a supportive circle of friends, then I wouldn't have any issue with it at all.

It would only be an issue for me if she was unhappy about it, as all I want for my DDs is for them to be happy and fulfilled.

TorgosPizza · 13/09/2020 15:18

I think it's strange that some people are so insistent that anyone not interested in sex is "missing out". No, for them, they're not missing out on a thing.

It's like someone who loves a certain sport and trains religiously not comprehending that there are others for whom that sport is utterly unappealing and isn't even on their radar. Not everyone has to like even things that tend to be almost universally popular. There are people who don't like chocolate, for instance. Why doubt that there are people who feel no desire for sex?

I'd hope that my parents would've accepted my choice if I'd gently told them that I wasn't looking for a physical relationship, even if they didn't "get" it. There are so many people who never find the right one, even when they are looking for a sexual relationship. You wouldn't (well, shouldn't) pester them about that, so why is it any different if someone just isn't looking for a sex partner at all? Surely at some point you just accept that it's their life, and if they seem satisfied, you don't question or pressure them because you don't understand why they're satisfied.

ProfYaffle · 13/09/2020 15:25

My dd told me she's asexual at about 13, she's now 16 and not changed her mind. Privately I think there may be other issues behind it, eg being afraid of her changing body and sexuality in general. I wonder whether she might actually be gay. But whatever, her feelings are real whether she's fully processed them or not.

I haven't voiced my private thoughts to her, just reiterated that I love and support her no matter what. There's no way I'd tell her she just hasn't met the right one, it's so dismissive.

Original poster
WellThisWentWell · 13/09/2020 15:29

I would like the say that it’s not about ’label’ per se, more like there is actually a word that
describes (one part) of me.
And with that word, can find like minded people.

And to ResIpsaLoquiturInterAlia, no, i was not born without genitalia.

OP posts:
Codexdivinchi · 13/09/2020 15:34

It wouldn’t bother me at all and tbh I wouldn’t be surprised because the battering of sexualisation our kids are getting.

Fucking sex Ed lessons aimed at 11 year olds discussing anal, group sex and rimming.

Honestly if my child case home and said they were asexual I’d tell them they made the right choice!

Krook · 13/09/2020 15:36

My 16yr old has also announced this recently. I did do the 'ok, that's fine whatever makes you happy' speech while inwardly thinking perhaps it is a phase? I would never voice this aloud of course, and genuinely don't care as long as they are happy. Maybe it's a phase, maybe not. Interestingly my teen is also on the waiting list for an ASD assessment and our current therapist says confusion over or rejection of sexuality is quite common for people with autism, although I have not researched this further.

Babyboomtastic · 13/09/2020 15:36

Honestly, I would feel like they were missing out on something that can be wonderful, but I'd realise that they probably wouldn't be bothered, so that's more my issue than theirs.

I'd love and support them, though I would wonder if perhaps the right person might ignite their desires, or I'd hope they could find a relationships or companionship that they were happy with that was sex free.

Basically, I'd worry that it would be an impediment to their happiness, but I'd respect their view and really hope that it wouldn't be.

Whatruthinking · 13/09/2020 15:39

I really don’t care as long as their room is tidy.

Beamur · 13/09/2020 15:40

@Codexdivinchi

It wouldn’t bother me at all and tbh I wouldn’t be surprised because the battering of sexualisation our kids are getting.

Fucking sex Ed lessons aimed at 11 year olds discussing anal, group sex and rimming.

Honestly if my child case home and said they were asexual I’d tell them they made the right choice!

I agree!
Porcupineinwaiting · 13/09/2020 15:43

asexuality is not about not wanting sex

Then what is it about?

Craddle64 · 13/09/2020 15:44

I feel uncomfortable to know about this intimate area of my childs life. Its essentially no sex drive? Fine, why do you need to come out? What if a person is extrasexual then? I think it's another mellinium nonesense. Low libido is still on the spectrum of normality. Liking people for who they are is like, being a low libido bisexual.