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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

If your child came out as an asexual, how would you feel/react?

386 replies

WellThisWentWell · 13/09/2020 13:11

Yanbu= would love and accept them for who they are

Yabu= asexuality isin’t real, they just haven’t met the ’one’

OP posts:
Grellbunt · 13/09/2020 21:33

@Porcupineinwaiting

I'm so old that I remember when only wanting to have sex with people you are deeply attracted to was mainstream.
I think that is my problem. I was brought up with that being mainstream.

I’m really sorry if I offended others - honestly, I accept everyone as they are. To me being asexual/ demi sexual seems perfectly acceptable and normal, it’s the harsh world that seems to have gone full circle and makes people feel judged that is so terrible.

Grellbunt · 13/09/2020 21:35

@slashlover

It’s very sad that people who don’t desire sex find themselves expected to label themselves as somehow not normal.

I'm asexual and I'm normal.

So why do you need a label then?
TomPinch · 13/09/2020 21:35

I'm sure everyone's identity is important to them. And I believe there is something about everyone that falls outside normality. Some of these things, particularly what people do or don't do with their genitals, have the privilege of labels.

In my view, the best approach is kindness, politeness and tolerance. It doesn't warrant endless debate about how society should change, because there are far more important things to worry about.

VictoriaBun · 13/09/2020 21:35

I would feel that my adult childs sex life is nothing to do with me .
I would worry that they might have more difficulty in finding fulfilling relationships ( friendships ) with others not within the family that are long lasting.

Grellbunt · 13/09/2020 21:37

@UntilYourNextHairBrainedScheme

Grellbunt that's exactly what the healthline article shared upthread says though.
Precisely - doesn’t that suggest that the article is maybe not very good? It makes no sense.
JustanAunt · 13/09/2020 21:39

Grellbunt

It’s a sexual orientation, why do we need labels for straight or gay people? It’s really no different

Grellbunt · 13/09/2020 21:39

@JustanAunt

Grellbunt

It’s a sexual orientation, why do we need labels for straight or gay people? It’s really no different

I don’t see why we need those labels either.
JustanAunt · 13/09/2020 21:43

We use labels to better understand ourselves and other people. Not just with regards to sexual orientation, we use gender, political ideology. Vegetarian etc. It’s human nature to do it. Hate it all you want, it’s a fact of life

slashlover · 13/09/2020 21:45

So why do you need a label then?

It's a shortcut to describe myself and allows me to find other like me who have had similar experiences. You even used the word 'normal' which could be seen as being a label.

Grellbunt · 13/09/2020 21:48

@JustanAunt

We use labels to better understand ourselves and other people. Not just with regards to sexual orientation, we use gender, political ideology. Vegetarian etc. It’s human nature to do it. Hate it all you want, it’s a fact of life
Life isn’t that simple. Labels are the root of a lot of evil. They hide nuance, change, hinder personal growth ... create barriers to proper understanding and in-depth discussion. The last thing we need are more bloody labels.
Original poster
WellThisWentWell · 13/09/2020 21:48

For those of you who go on about ”just being a label” , why does it bother you?

Isin’t hetero-, gay-, bi/pansexualities also ”just labels”?

The two reasons why I would like asexuality to be more known are

  1. other who feel the same way, wouldn’t have to feel they are alone/wrong/broken etc.

  2. when people ask why i don’t ever date and wants to set me up with someone.
    I could actually be honest and just say i’m asexual (the kind that won’t be having sex)
    but yeah, i would like to meet someone.
    Now i feel like i have to lie, and pretend i’m ok with being single (i’m really not).

So all and all, i want to have more open and honest conversation about my life.
And maybe sometimes talk about my struggles, can’t do that now...

OP posts:
YouJustDoYou · 13/09/2020 21:53

I wouldn't care - though, I wouldn't wish it on anyone should they be in a relatio ship whereby the other partner is not also asexual. It's not always easy to be able to deal with.

JustanAunt · 13/09/2020 21:53

Grellbunt

I disagree, I think they are a starting point. When there is an agreed definition of something we can use that to know a fundamental truth about that person and then go from there. A label will only give you a small insight into that person, you use nuance to gain a fuller perspective of who that person is as an individual

Biancadelrioisback · 13/09/2020 21:56

People who want labels can use labels. I rarely label my sexuality (although I have in my pp) because I haven't needed to. Not for personal reasons, not to help others understand me or find others like me. But others like labels or benefit from them in all the ways already described on this thread. I love that a very simple word helped people not feel broken or alone. I love that they were able to better understand themselves because if that word. I love that they can use this word to find others whom they can form relationships with without unfair expectations or confusion.
Words matter because they are powerful.

Grellbunt · 13/09/2020 22:00

I suppose if it helped you to explain to a potential partner that you’d like a relationship but without sex, it would help.

But I’d struggle to know if that was true before I’d actually embarked on a good number of in depth relationships, so I suppose it just feels like you’re putting the cart before the horse I suppose.

UntilYourNextHairBrainedScheme · 13/09/2020 22:03

WellThisWentWell doesn't it make the term asexual a bit useless to you if people push a definition of asexual like the one in the healthline article and are keen to "educate" everyone that asexual people do have sex... Is the term still helpful if it's broadened out to mean not people with no interest in sex but in fact also people who do want, enjoy and have sex with the hard to grasp caveat that they aren't sexually attracted to the people they have sex with?

Grellbunt · 13/09/2020 22:03

I can see that with the ridiculous pressure on people to engage in sex at the drop of a hat nowadays there could be merit in making it clear upfront that it ain’t your bag.

I am clearly just very out of touch. Kinda sad that the world has changed so much. It sounds utterly exhausting.

Grellbunt · 13/09/2020 22:06

@UntilYourNextHairBrainedScheme

WellThisWentWell doesn't it make the term asexual a bit useless to you if people push a definition of asexual like the one in the healthline article and are keen to "educate" everyone that asexual people do have sex... Is the term still helpful if it's broadened out to mean not people with no interest in sex but in fact also people who do want, enjoy and have sex with the hard to grasp caveat that they aren't sexually attracted to the people they have sex with?
So well put.
rosiejaune · 13/09/2020 22:10

@thecatsthecats

It's a weird one because most sexualities describe WHO you're having sex with, not what you enjoy or how often. I'm not entirely sure about conflating the two. (I get that telling people you are demisexual serves the purpose of ensuring they know you only get aroused with people you are intimate with personally, but that applies to lots of people who don't put a label on it)

I'd probably be relieved if a young teen said that on the grounds that it would keep them out of trouble. I'd probably try to read up on the finer points and leave them to it, supporting them with resources.

I hope to never find out how much any child of mine has sex Grin

It does describe who they are having sex with, i.e. nobody.
JustanAunt · 13/09/2020 22:10

@UntilYourNextHairBrainedScheme

WellThisWentWell doesn't it make the term asexual a bit useless to you if people push a definition of asexual like the one in the healthline article and are keen to "educate" everyone that asexual people do have sex... Is the term still helpful if it's broadened out to mean not people with no interest in sex but in fact also people who do want, enjoy and have sex with the hard to grasp caveat that they aren't sexually attracted to the people they have sex with?
I feel like you are being bogged down with the minutiae of it.

To me asexuality means not being sexually attracted to any gender.

Whether or not you choose to have sex despite that is down to personal choice

velourvoyageur · 13/09/2020 22:13

I wouldn’t mind in the slightest.
I do think though that lesbianism is painted as very unattractive these days and that there are more than a few female ‘asexuals’ who have come to the conclusion that they’re asexual because they’ve not enjoyed the straight sex they had and won’t date or don’t know how to go about dating women. They may only account for a small proportion of people identifying as such, but it’s something to watch out for especially among teen friendship groups where acquiring identities is de rigueur.

slashlover · 13/09/2020 22:17

It's a weird one because most sexualities describe WHO you're having sex with, not what you enjoy or how often.

No, most sexualitys describe who you are sexually attracted to, not who you are having sex with. You can be heterosexual and virgin or bisexual and celibate. Asexuality is not being sexually attracted to anyone.

UntilYourNextHairBrainedScheme · 13/09/2020 22:18

JustanAunt it makes a nonsense of it though, it becomes word soup.

Asexual female looking for asexual relationship with sympathetic man aged 28-39, must like dogs and camping holidays...

If asexual means not interested in sex it's clear that a relationship without sex is what's being sought - if it means won't be attracted to the partner but will have sex with him anyway because sex in itself is pleasurable then it's a totally different (and slightly humiliating for the partner) deal surely?

The word isn't useful if it means both not interested in sex and interested in and keen to have sex with the caveat of not being attracted to any prospective partners.

Grellbunt · 13/09/2020 22:19

@slashlover

It's a weird one because most sexualities describe WHO you're having sex with, not what you enjoy or how often.

No, most sexualitys describe who you are sexually attracted to, not who you are having sex with. You can be heterosexual and virgin or bisexual and celibate. Asexuality is not being sexually attracted to anyone.

Still not understanding why you’d have sex with someone if you’re not sexually attracted to them . That’s odd. Unless it is for money.
VirginiaWolverine · 13/09/2020 22:19

How much have things changed, really in terns of feelings rather than actions?Read a Jane Austen novel and there's plenty of sexual attraction. There have been times when acting on that attraction was unacceptable, but the feelings (or lack of them) are still there.