If your child came out as an asexual, how would you feel/react?

[WellThisWentWell]

Yanbu= would love and accept them for who they are

Yabu= asexuality isin’t real, they just haven’t met the ’one’

I really don’t care about my children’s sexual preferences or define them by them. They simply are themselves and I love them for who they are. My eldest hasn’t decided yet about her sexuality (she brings this up and discusses it) and she comfortably talks about not knowing who she is or who she is attracted to - all is fine. I do think one of my children might be gay (and no it isn’t because he likes pink and unicorns as much as my ex feels it is making him gay and of course his hair clips 😂)?but that is for them to discover, enjoy etc my feeling is a gut feels I had from very very early and he often talks about marrying a boy - I do care who their partner is or isn’t but only in so far as I want them to have a positive healthy relationship regardless of the gender or person that is. Asexuals are part and parcel of a family and you would be accepted for who you are.

@slashlover

What is sexual attraction then if it is not being horny or liking sex? How are these things separate? As a pp says, habitually having sex with people you’re not attracted to sounds a bit pathological (and imo not asexual)

Being horny is a biological response, you can be horny and not involve another person. You can enjoy the act and the feeling without being sexually attracted to a person.

Are you saying that being in love with someone and having sex with them even though you're not sexually attracted to them is pathological?

People seem to think I'm saying that a horny asexual will grab anyone off of the street. I'm not. I'm saying in loving relationship, someone may choose to have sex for several reasons.

Are you saying that being in love with someone and having sex with them even though you're not sexually attracted to them is pathological?

Yes I am

@Mischance

It seems bizarre to me that anyone would feel the need to "come out" about this - it is nobody's business but their own.

I ‘came out’ to my mum, I didn’t really realise that’s what I did, I casually mentioned that I believed I was asexual. As I’ve said in previous comments this came as a relief to her, as she didn’t know what was going on with me, being in my 20s and having never had a relationship. Considering how big a part of life relationships are it’s not difficult to imagine that someone who cared about me wanted to know what the deal was.

It seems bizarre to me that anyone would feel the need to "come out" about this - it is nobody's business but their own.

It isn't necessary to come out as gay, straight, pansexual or anything else either. Sexuality is peoples own business, however I think sometimes its necessary. My friends know I'm not just a sad old spinster I choose to be alone for a reason and I don't want to be "fixed up" with their single man friends or have platonic male friends hitting on me which has happened in the past.
It means people just let me get on with being me because they know what I am.
I would not tell my parents though, they would just say I was being ridiculous and the right man will come along one day. he won't.

It’s going to be quite confusing and possibly distressing for a no sex asexual to be met by one of the asexuals who actually does want sex.

Confusing, how?

What does "sexually attracted to" mean

I've never experienced it but I assume it means to want someone sexually, to be attracted to them, to fancy them.

Wiki says - Sexual attraction is attraction on the basis of sexual desire or the quality of arousing such interest. Sexual attractiveness or sex appeal is an individual's ability to attract the sexual or erotic interests of other people, and is a factor in sexual selection or mate choice.

One thing I do not understand... let's say an asexual and 'sexual' person were in a relationship where they had sex with one another... how could the sexual person possibly be sexually satisfied knowing their partner does not find them sexually attractive? Surely a mutual sexual desire for one another is very important? Two asexuals in a relationship I could understand more...

Would you not just say “you know mum you don’t have to worry about me, I’m happy as I am” without the asexual label though?

I guess I find the concept of someone who is assexual wanting a sexual relationship, enjoying a sexual relationship, being horny and wanting sex with someone to be like a teetotal person who drinks alcohol.

@Navillerax

One thing I do not understand... let's say an asexual and 'sexual' person were in a relationship where they had sex with one another... how could the sexual person possibly be sexually satisfied knowing their partner does not find them sexually attractive? Surely a mutual sexual desire for one another is very important? Two asexuals in a relationship I could understand more...

Well exactly, it’s a bit humiliating isn’t it? It’s surely more honest to either have no sex or leave/allow them to leave?

@Grellbunt

Would you not just say “you know mum you don’t have to worry about me, I’m happy as I am” without the asexual label though?

Sure, some would say that. I’m very close to my parents and have no reason to hide my sexual orientation from them. Others might not want to. Each to their own

I would feel....nothing? Like.... ok honey. Fair enough.

(Actually, I'd also point out that some meds are libido depressants, so if they were bothered by their asexuality, that would be something to think about).

So many real problems in the world. This isn't one.

How do you know that the things you describe "Because you love them. Because you like sex.
Because you want to feel close to them.
Because your horny etc" are not the same or similar experience that other people call sexual attraction?

@slashlover

It’s going to be quite confusing and possibly distressing for a no sex asexual to be met by one of the asexuals who actually does want sex.

Confusing, how?

What does "sexually attracted to" mean

I've never experienced it but I assume it means to want someone sexually, to be attracted to them, to fancy them.

Wiki says - Sexual attraction is attraction on the basis of sexual desire or the quality of arousing such interest. Sexual attractiveness or sex appeal is an individual's ability to attract the sexual or erotic interests of other people, and is a factor in sexual selection or mate choice.

I’m not getting the sense that you’re engaging with the words written down.

Confusing in that your definition of the same word is totally at odds with theirs.

I’m out. This is word soup.

It’s going to be quite confusing and possibly distressing for a no sex asexual to be met by one of the asexuals who actually does want sex.

In what way would it be confusing or distressing?

Would you not just say “you know mum you don’t have to worry about me, I’m happy as I am” without the asexual label though?

You could if that’s what you wanted. But why this idea that people should have to be so coy and indirect about it? Why should anybody act like it’s a dirty secret that can be hinted at but never openly mentioned?

Well exactly, it’s a bit humiliating isn’t it? It’s surely more honest to either have no sex or leave/allow them to leave?

You don’t have to have a sexual relationship with anyone if you don’t want to. If you would find it humiliating to be in a relationship with an asexual, it clearly wouldn’t be the right relationship for you. That’s ok. But some people might feel differently and be totally fine with it. It’s nothing to do with you what other people decide about their own relationships.

(Actually, I'd also point out that some meds are libido depressants, so if they were bothered by their asexuality, that would be something to think about).

Libido and asexuality are different things so.

@slashlover But how can you have sex with someone for years if you dont want to have sex with them? And is that not cruel to the sexual person to repeatedly shag them because your horny rather than because you want to have sex with them?

[quote DishRanAwayWithTheSpoon]@slashlover But how can you have sex with someone for years if you dont want to have sex with them? And is that not cruel to the sexual person to repeatedly shag them because your horny rather than because you want to have sex with them?[/quote]
The moral relativism is strong.

I’m not getting the sense that you’re engaging with the words written down.

Confusing in that your definition of the same word is totally at odds with theirs.

This is why I describe myself as an aromantic asexual, and others may describe themselves as heteroromantic or homoromantic asexual.

But how can you have sex with someone for years if you dont want to have sex with them? And is that not cruel to the sexual person to repeatedly shag them because your horny rather than because you want to have sex with them?

It is not about whether you want to have sex with them, it is about whether you are sexually attracted to them.

Surely wanting to have sex with someone is sexual attraction?

I think there are several different ways of feeling that all fall under asexuality. It's like with food having a sense of smell/taste. Some people can't taste food, and don't enjoy food in the same way that people who can taste it do. They won't salivate in anticipation of a delicious meal, and save up for a meal at a fabulous restaurant for a treat. But they will happily join a group of friends for a meal because they get pleasure from things other than the food - the company, the break from routine and so on. So some people don't have sexual feelings, but enjoy the social aspects of sex , and are neutral about the actual sex. They aren't forcing themselves to do a horrible thing, they are just doing a thing they enjoy in a different way from the typical one.

Other people are more like my friend who had a condition which made most food literally smell like shit, and found eating horrible and would be utterly miserable in a restaurant, even one with a lively atmosphere and great company.

Their experiences aren't the same, but they both gave a sense of smell which works in a way outside the norm.

@Sanitisethat

Heaven forbid someone should miss out on a special label! The Concept of everyone just being themselves, with different personalities, seems to be out. Is social media the cause? All this self absorbed navel gazing is just so shallow.

Gosh you’re right, we should return to the good old days where everyone was able to just be themselves (as long as they were straight).

No- in the old days, these things were simply no one's business.

A person might or might not be married. It implied nothing about what went on in their bedroom.

No- in the old days, these things were simply no one's business.

A person might or might not be married. It implied nothing about what went on in their bedroom.

You mean like when they chemically castrated Alan Turing? That kind of thing?

Or that a wife automatically consented to sex with her husband forever by marrying him?

I don't defend either of those things. The point I'm making is that it's assumed that everything in the past was heteronormative. That's not accurate. Secrecy would be closer to the mark. That's partly because what went on at home was, well, secret, and sex was closely associated with procreation due to lack of effective birth control.

And also, I very much doubt that sex was really on the mind of the average 2-up 2-down factory worker.

We have moved to the view that sexuality is critically important and that everyone must express it. I think this is a good thing, but there are limits to the amount of time its discussion deserves. And I think it's important to understand what we've moved from.