Page 12 | If your child came out as an asexual, how would you feel/react?

WellThisWentWell · 2020-09-13T12:11:07+00:00

Yanbu= would love and accept them for who they are Yabu= asexuality isin’t real, they just haven’t met the ’one’

Grellbunt · 13/09/2020 22:21

(caveat - I’m not saying doing it for money wouldn’t also be odd but it is obviously a different character of transaction ).

slashlover · 13/09/2020 22:23

Still not understanding why you’d have sex with someone if you’re not sexually attracted to them . That’s odd. Unless it is for money.

Because you love them.
Because you like sex.
Because you want to feel close to them.
Because your horny.
Because you want to make them happy.
Because you want to have children.

Just off the top of my head.

Original poster

WellThisWentWell · 13/09/2020 22:24

@UntilYourNextHairBrainedScheme

I’m not gonna lie, and i really don’t mean to offend some of the people who have answered here.
But yeah, i don’t really understand the extended definition either.

That’s why I haven’t been answering to the questions about sex.
It feels like the second asexuality got a little bit attention, along came people who shout ”don’t worry, we can still have sex”.
And i felt all alone, again.

I know i come off as bitter, but demi’s, grey’s, aces who can have sex.... i think we shouldn’t be lump into same thing.
Our experiences are so different.

I don’t know how other asexuals manage the sex part, i’m way too repulsed by it.

OP posts:

JustanAunt · 13/09/2020 22:25

@UntilYourNextHairBrainedScheme

JustanAunt it makes a nonsense of it though, it becomes word soup.

Asexual female looking for asexual relationship with sympathetic man aged 28-39, must like dogs and camping holidays...

If asexual means not interested in sex it's clear that a relationship without sex is what's being sought - if it means won't be attracted to the partner but will have sex with him anyway because sex in itself is pleasurable then it's a totally different (and slightly humiliating for the partner) deal surely?

The word isn't useful if it means both not interested in sex and interested in and keen to have sex with the caveat of not being attracted to any prospective partners.

I can’t and won’t speak to the personal experiences and choices of others.

I do not want a relationship and will not have sex. That’s my experience as an asexual. That’s not the only experience and I will not take anything away from anyone else who identifies as asexual regardless of whether they choose to have sex

slashlover · 13/09/2020 22:28

I don’t know how other asexuals manage the sex part, i’m way too repulsed by it.

I'm aromantic. I'm not repulsed but it's not something I'm interested in. I see asexuality and aromantic as two separate parts. I'm sex positive in that if other people want to do it and are safe and happy then have fun!

Original poster

WellThisWentWell · 13/09/2020 22:32

Oh yeah,yeah.
I don’t care what other people do, as long as it’s not me.
(And they spare me the details)

OP posts:

Biancadelrioisback · 13/09/2020 22:33

Still not understanding why you’d have sex with someone if you’re not sexually attracted to them

From what I've read, it seems many asexual people have sex because they think they should have sex. Whether it's because society tells us that it's the norm, or to try and get someone to like you, or to keep a partner interested or any other reason! Maybe even though they don't feel sexually attracted to people, they just want to have sex?

Sanitisethat · 13/09/2020 22:35

Heaven forbid someone should miss out on a special label! The Concept of everyone just being themselves, with different personalities, seems to be out. Is social media the cause? All this self absorbed navel gazing is just so shallow.

Gosh you’re right, we should return to the good old days where everyone was able to just be themselves (as long as they were straight).

Grellbunt · 13/09/2020 22:38

@slashlover

Still not understanding why you’d have sex with someone if you’re not sexually attracted to them . That’s odd. Unless it is for money.

Because you love them.
Because you like sex.
Because you want to feel close to them.
Because your horny.
Because you want to make them happy.
Because you want to have children.

Just off the top of my head.

Well, I’d have issues with a lot of those scenarios. Using/deceiving others. Very strange basis for relating to others.

And horny? Just randomly horny and you’d have sex with anyone around even if you weren’t attracted to them? Sounds a bit like the opposite of asexual. Not buying that at all.

I can see where pp who have bravely shared their experiences on here as not feeling sexual attraction are coming from, and I am sorry to hear of your negative experiences. in spite of reservations about labels - I think what I am sad about is that people are being so judged about sth so innocuous rather than about the labels as such. This really ought not to be such a big deal - society really needs to just leave people be.

UntilYourNextHairBrainedScheme · 13/09/2020 22:40

Ok, I'll but out of the discussion. WellThisWentWell (and JustAnAunt)if my child told me they were asexual and was using the word according to the dictionary definition then of course it would be fine and if they were an adult and had felt that way for some time it might help me understand that they were content not being in a sexual relationship, and not sad about not having that sort of life partner. I can completely see that "label" has its uses in talking to your nearest and dearest, understanding yourself and being clear with any prospective life partner that the relationship between you, were it to continue, would not involve sex.

The sexual-asexual definition really doesn't sound like anything anyone should be discussing with their parents, it's perhaps more something for people to read about online and think it rings true and makes them feel better, but no parent wants to think their child is having sex with people they aren't attracted to! It's too uncomfortably close to being used, or using other people, as objects.

No interest in sex full stop, or an interest in sex but no attraction to specific people, sound very much like different categories to me, and habitually having sex with people you don't find attractive does sound potentially pathological...

Grellbunt · 13/09/2020 22:41

Seems to me some people just want to free ride on the asexual label. @JustanAunt and @WellThisWentWell’S understanding of it seems quite logical to me, if there is to be a meaningful definition.

Sanitisethat · 13/09/2020 22:44

Well, I’d have issues with a lot of those scenarios. Using/deceiving others. Very strange basis for relating to others.

Who says it’s deceitful? You’ve assumed the worst, but there’s no reason to believe asexuals are routinely deceiving their partners about these things, or using them.

Most people in romantic relationships are honest with their partners and would simply explain that while they don’t experience sexual attraction they are still happy to have sex for other reasons. Equally, some asexuals might never want to have sex under any circumstances. Both are fine. Neither implies dishonesty or using a person.

DishRanAwayWithTheSpoon · 13/09/2020 22:47

@grellbunt that was my point, a lot of the time people, especially teenage girls, dont actually fancy the celebrity. Its just a thing teenage girls do.

It would be very convenient for a whole group of girls to fancy the same men, and often manage to fancy a different one of the same group.

slashlover · 13/09/2020 22:49

And horny? Just randomly horny and you’d have sex with anyone around even if you weren’t attracted to them? Sounds a bit like the opposite of asexual. Not buying that at all.

No. Would you assume a heterosexual person was having sex with anyone around because they were horny?

I just assumed you would know that I meant in a relationship.

Leaannb · 13/09/2020 22:50

@slashlover

Still not understanding why you’d have sex with someone if you’re not sexually attracted to them . That’s odd. Unless it is for money.

Because you love them.
Because you like sex.
Because you want to feel close to them.
Because your horny.
Because you want to make them happy.
Because you want to have children.

Just off the top of my head.

Asexual means you don't like sex and you don't get horny. Asexuals don't need physical touch to feel close to close to them. Sex has nothing to do with love. Other ways to have xhildren besides sex. Nothing wrong with keeping yourself happy which means no sex

MajesticWhine · 13/09/2020 22:51

Calling yourself asexual but wanting / having /enjoying sex makes zero sense to me. But each to their own.
Regarding the original question, of course I would love and accept them regardless, but would probably privately worry a bit that there was something else going on.

slashlover · 13/09/2020 22:54

Asexual means you don't like sex and you don't get horny. Asexuals don't need physical touch to feel close to close to them. Sex has nothing to do with love. Other ways to have xhildren besides sex. Nothing wrong with keeping yourself happy which means no sex

It literally doesn't mean that you don't like sex, get horny or need physical touch. Several actually asexual people on this thread have said that.

It means you're not sexually attracted to anyone.

DrawingLife · 13/09/2020 22:56

I'd agree with PP, love and support whatever you think about it.
I personally think it's a completely meaningless, unnecessary box to be putting oneself in that nobody else is interested in, but if your DC feels this says something about themselves that they want ppl to know - let them. They live in a world divided into a myriad of different identities and labels now, maybe it's expected to declare oneself one way or the other.
You might gently ask why they feel the need for a label like that / what it means to them, possible try to steer away from that unhealthy feedback loop that comes from the demand to get attention for the label, e.g.the demand their micro ID gets a special mention everywhere which then creates resentment if ppl don't mention or "include" AC enough.

DishRanAwayWithTheSpoon · 13/09/2020 22:57

If asexual people want sex but arent attracted to someone surely they are missing out massively?

Because they would enjoy a sexual relationship, they just arent attracted to anyone?

Grellbunt · 13/09/2020 22:58

@slashlover

Asexual means you don't like sex and you don't get horny. Asexuals don't need physical touch to feel close to close to them. Sex has nothing to do with love. Other ways to have xhildren besides sex. Nothing wrong with keeping yourself happy which means no sex

It literally doesn't mean that you don't like sex, get horny or need physical touch. Several actually asexual people on this thread have said that.

It means you're not sexually attracted to anyone.

Those words put together are contradictory

What is sexual attraction then if it is not being horny or liking sex? How are these things separate? As a pp says, habitually having sex with people you’re not attracted to sounds a bit pathological (and imo not asexual)

slashlover · 13/09/2020 22:59

I personally think it's a completely meaningless, unnecessary box to be putting oneself in that nobody else is interested in

Have you read any of the comments by the actual asexual people on here who have said that the 'box' made them feel less alone and that they now had a group to fit into? That it made them realise that they weren't broken and there was nothing wrong with them?

MajesticWhine · 13/09/2020 23:01

What does "sexually attracted to" mean @slashlover?

Grellbunt · 13/09/2020 23:01

It’s going to be quite confusing and possibly distressing for a no sex asexual to be met by one of the asexuals who actually does want sex.

Mischance · 13/09/2020 23:02

It seems bizarre to me that anyone would feel the need to "come out" about this - it is nobody's business but their own.

slashlover · 13/09/2020 23:05

What is sexual attraction then if it is not being horny or liking sex? How are these things separate? As a pp says, habitually having sex with people you’re not attracted to sounds a bit pathological (and imo not asexual)

Being horny is a biological response, you can be horny and not involve another person. You can enjoy the act and the feeling without being sexually attracted to a person.

Are you saying that being in love with someone and having sex with them even though you're not sexually attracted to them is pathological?

People seem to think I'm saying that a horny asexual will grab anyone off of the street. I'm not. I'm saying in loving relationship, someone may choose to have sex for several reasons.