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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

If your child came out as an asexual, how would you feel/react?

386 replies

WellThisWentWell · 13/09/2020 13:11

Yanbu= would love and accept them for who they are

Yabu= asexuality isin’t real, they just haven’t met the ’one’

OP posts:
OwlBeThere · 14/09/2020 00:23

I can see where pp who have bravely shared their experiences on here as not feeling sexual attraction are coming from, and I am sorry to hear of your negative experiences

I don’t need sympathy, you don’t need to feel sorry for me. My experiences weren’t negative, they were just...boring. It’s not for me and my life is great!

I also never deceived or used anyone in my life.

Goosefoot · 14/09/2020 00:31

What does "supportive" mean really.

If my child isn't interested in having a relationship with someone, that's fine. If they do, but don't have sex, that's fine if it works for them. If they have sex but aren't that into it, that's ok too as long as they are being honest with each other. As a parent, I might not be the best person to discuss those details with.

I don't think the label is helpful in this instance, it's mainly a symptom of a deep need for some kind of box. Our sexual interests are a small part of who we are. All "asexual" really means is not that interested in sex which describes lots of people, and even more for periods of time.

slashlover · 14/09/2020 00:56

All "asexual" really means is not that interested in sex which describes lots of people, and even more for periods of time.

I honestly give up. I'm out.

Yeahnahmum · 14/09/2020 03:59

Just tell your mum to back the hell of and let you live your life. But i dont think you have to tell her you are asexual because being asexual doesnt meant that you will never date someone. So she could still push you to date a person feeling Similar to you. Nope. Just tell her to back off.

Byallmeans · 14/09/2020 06:30

I don’t see why anyone would need to ‘come out’ as this. What buisness Is it of anybody else’s?

I can understand them want to find their ‘own’ community to discuss feelings but considering Asexuality is only 1% of the population it would have to be done on line as you wouldn’t really ever ‘bump’ in to some one who is asexual. And how would you know unless you said ‘hi my name is xxx and I’m asexual’

I really hope this isn’t filtered down in to schools. I think the children are being confused as it is.

WerkHorse · 14/09/2020 07:11

@VirginiaWolverine

Very helpful analogy - thank you

Porcupineinwaiting · 14/09/2020 07:41

@VirginiaWolverine thank you, that makes a lot of sense.

Sanitisethat · 14/09/2020 08:33

I really hope this isn’t filtered down in to schools. I think the children are being confused as it is.

Yes, it’s much better to never mention it and encourage no healthy discussions so that when asexual kids come along they just think they’re weird and unusual for not experiencing sexual attraction.

Babyboomtastic · 14/09/2020 08:52

I don't see how it isn't an orientation. Surely people are either heterosexual, bisexual, homosexual or assexual, or somewhere on the spectrum between those labels.

O have an acquaintance who had been single as long as I've known him, and had recently 'come out' as assexual. I think it's liberating for him and useful for me to know that he isn't actually seeking anyone but is truly happy as he is.

It didn't need to be a big thing in schools, just the at on of the sentence 'and some people don't experience sexual attraction towards either sex, and that's ok too.'

SimonJT · 14/09/2020 09:00

I really hope this isn’t filtered down in to schools. I think the children are being confused as it is.

Another fan of section 28 Hmm

Imworthit · 14/09/2020 09:01

It took my friend along time to accept that it was OK to not be attracted to people. She put alot of pressure on herself but mostly because of other peoples cruel comments.

Have to agree with sanitisethat on this. Healthy discussions help as long as children are made to understand that they don't have to pick an orientation and are allowed to develop, change and grow as valid individuals.

Grellbunt · 14/09/2020 09:16

@SimonJT

I really hope this isn’t filtered down in to schools. I think the children are being confused as it is.

Another fan of section 28 Hmm

Ludicrous. It’s not bigotry to disagree on something entirely unrelated to the nasty, unfeeling homophobia that was behind Section 28. We need to move on but it’s not a free pass to go mad and start introducing all sorts into schools.
Imworthit · 14/09/2020 09:20

@madcatladyforever

It seems bizarre to me that anyone would feel the need to "come out" about this - it is nobody's business but their own.

It isn't necessary to come out as gay, straight, pansexual or anything else either. Sexuality is peoples own business, however I think sometimes its necessary. My friends know I'm not just a sad old spinster I choose to be alone for a reason and I don't want to be "fixed up" with their single man friends or have platonic male friends hitting on me which has happened in the past.
It means people just let me get on with being me because they know what I am.
I would not tell my parents though, they would just say I was being ridiculous and the right man will come along one day. he won't.

I agree some of my friends 'came out' and it was a big part of their identity, others didn't as it was private (but with their permission) I outted them occasionally to stop unwanted advances.
JustanAunt · 14/09/2020 09:21

@Byallmeans

I don’t see why anyone would need to ‘come out’ as this. What buisness Is it of anybody else’s?

I can understand them want to find their ‘own’ community to discuss feelings but considering Asexuality is only 1% of the population it would have to be done on line as you wouldn’t really ever ‘bump’ in to some one who is asexual. And how would you know unless you said ‘hi my name is xxx and I’m asexual’

I really hope this isn’t filtered down in to schools. I think the children are being confused as it is.

I don’t need to come out, but I also don’t need to hide it. If someone asked me what my sexual orientation was I would say asexual. I’m not going to sing it from the rooftops.

You talk about confusing children, but seem to neglect the children who are asexual and feel confused because they don’t fit into everything they are taught about sex and relationships. I was confused because I didn’t know about asexuality. It wouldn’t have taken much to add on to the end of a sex Ed class that hey, some people don’t experience sexual attraction and that’s ok!

Sanitisethat · 14/09/2020 09:29

Ludicrous. It’s not bigotry to disagree on something entirely unrelated to the nasty, unfeeling homophobia that was behind Section 28. We need to move on but it’s not a free pass to go mad and start introducing all sorts into schools

Asexuality isn’t being ‘introduced’ into schools. It exists as a matter of objective fact, regardless or her whether or not it’s talked about. Therefore, much better to talk about it so that children learn about a perfectly normal expression of the human experience and don’t end up turning into the kind of adults who post on forums that someone’s sexual orientation is nothing more than some new-fangled form of attention seeing because they, personally, haven’t heard of it before.

Waveysnail · 14/09/2020 09:33

I just want them to be happy. May feel a little personally sad that grandkids might not happen but I'd totally keep that to myself

Imworthit · 14/09/2020 09:38

And it's not just the gay, bi, asexual youths that need to know. One of my friends didn't understand why people didn't really like him and we had to have alot of talks about how he was crossing our friends boundaries.

Soozikinzii · 14/09/2020 09:47

There were always single people who chose not to have partners, I suppose they were asexual but Ive never really thought about it . I can't see why it is anybody's business but their own .?

BiBabbles · 14/09/2020 10:02

Asexual as a term isn't new, it's been around since at least the early 1900s (so maybe a millennial label, but not the ones who are alive today). Like homosexuality, it's been pathologized, used as a reason to torture people, and generally associated with libido and kinks rather than (lack of) natural attraction as noticed in this thread.

Socially, humans name/label things for many reasons - to identify, to ease communication, to organize, to simplify, and - it has been said - to tame and to feel belonging. There are many mythos and cultural reasoning around the world that to name something is to take control of its power over you and even to take control of it. If it has a name others recognize, it means someone is not alone in that experience. It's why naming emotions is a powerful tool in emotional control. Normal things get labels just as much as abnormal things, arguable more so as many abnormal things we tend to just push aside as just weird if it's too out there for us to control.

We can debate some of that has gotten out of hand and that there are detrimental effects when said labels become the core of someone's sense of self - being controlled by it than using it to contain and label an experience -, but I struggle to see how having 4 basic sexualities (hetero-, homo-, bi-, a-) and treating them as traits like being able to label hair colour or one's interest in food (from utilitarian to foodie) to continue the great previous analogy.

The support needed for teenagers includes the sex ed to reinforce boundaries and consent and all the pp have said, support in feeling normal in a very sexualized world, and yes, these days, I'd argue in seeing it as a trait that doesn't need to define them. That's why, regardless of the sexuality that comes up, if a young person said 'I think I'm...', then I'd go "It's a possibility, we can talk about it if you like." or something similar in a positive but not like it's a big thing if they resolve differently later. I don't want my kids to fix their identity and sense of self around their sexuality, and I don't want them to feel that it's not up for discussion when they want or that they're broken.

Yeah, not having sex until in a loving relationship has been and in many spaces still is mainstream, but I still know people who cried in relief when told demisexuality has a name because they had felt broken. Sexuality had always been framed to them - as I think it still is even where the idea as mainstream - as something one holds back from expressing until that point in a relationship when they literally didn't feel any sort of sexual connection or attraction to anyone except 1-2 people after knowing them a very long time and were already platonically very close to them. They's dealt with a lot of shite because of not fancing anyone and percieved as cold, rude or oblivious to others interest in them which no one, of any sexuality, should have to put up with but it had left them feeling in the wrong. That label gives some people peace of mine that it's something that is real and normal part of the human experience and when it doesn't become an all-consuming part of someone's sense of self for an extended period of time (teens and others often temporarily move things into their sense of self when new and then it fades back out into a trait - like new PFB mums vs mums with adult kids), it doesn't do any harm that it would hurt kids to know about the asexuality spectrum.

Byallmeans · 14/09/2020 10:16

I don’t need to come out, but I also don’t need to hide it. If someone asked me what my sexual orientation was I would say asexual. I’m not going to sing it from the rooftops

Why would anyone ask what your sexual orientation is and why would it be any of their business. That’s what I don’t get. In real life who actually asks that or get asked?

You talk about confusing children, but seem to neglect the children who are asexual and feel confused because they don’t fit into everything they are taught about sex and relationships. I was confused because I didn’t know about asexuality. It wouldn’t have taken much to add on to the end of a sex Ed class that hey, some people don’t experience sexual attraction and that’s ok!

I don’t think there is anything wrong with ‘and some people don’t experience sexual attraction and that’s ok’

What I have an issue with is telling children if you don’t feel sexual attraction- your Asexual. They are kids. Kids do not know themselves.

Children should be able to discover themselves by them self in their own good time with out some well meaning advocate or eager parent labelling them. Which we are seeing now with children as young as 4

I don’t trust the organisation that are being allowed in school to ‘educate’ our young children. We’ve gone from severely lacking sex Ed to inviting nefarious Organisations pushing agendas and lessons aimed at 11 years old discussing group sex and docking.

It needs to stop, the subject is getting to convoluted

Rumbletumbleinmytummy · 14/09/2020 10:21

Erm, if it were my child, I'd say their sexuality wasnt important to me except in the sense that I'd support her whatever her alignment was.
It wouldnt change the way I thought of her, but I would gently say I wasnt sure things wouldnt change, as I'm not so certain that all teens even feel the requirement...
I know a lot of people who remained celibate until they were 20 odd and not bothered, but seem to have decent sex lives now.

Either way, I think the most important thing that your child needs when they're confiding something quite so sensitive, is the same sensitivity, love and support, and openness to accept who they are, whatever it is.

JustanAunt · 14/09/2020 10:29

Byallmeans

I don’t think being asked specifically about sexual orientation is all that common, but I can think of two personal examples in recent years where I was pressured to divulge personal information about my sex life.

Three years ago in a bar with a bunch of colleagues the head of IT loudly asked me in front of everyone whether I was a virgin (I had not told anyone I was asexual and the question came out of nowhere) luckily my manager promptly told him to mind his own business.

2 years ago I was with my friend at her mums house for a barbecue. Most of the people there were women in their 50s, one of them loudly declared she wanted to know when the last time everyone had sex was. One by one she pointed at someone and asked them. I didn’t know what to say, I knew I couldn’t lie as my friend knew that I was a virgin, so I meekly said that the answer was never. She declared she would ‘find me a man’. Luckily I never saw her again.

The point is that people do make it their business and if you have known someone for a few years and never known them to have a partner, you might get curious, and the more brazen among us would ask the question.

Sanitisethat · 14/09/2020 10:36

@BiBabbles thank you, that was such a thoughtful and eloquent post

Whathappenedtothelego · 14/09/2020 10:41

I don't see why it is something you need to "come out" about.Confused

BiBabbles · 14/09/2020 10:44

In real life who actually asks that or get asked?

I've been asked that repeatedly. More when I was younger, but I've been at events within the last couple of years where someone has asked me.

My spouse got asked that a lot when he was younger and was repeatedly told that if he didn't X attractive, then he must be Y.

My 13 year old DD has been asked that at school. If she turns someone down, much like her father, people start saying then she must be... Her go-to response has been "Maybe" and walk away, not what I would pick, but it's her choice. I've told her specifically not to label herself at school, she can't control the environment and it's not their business & she doesn't need to take the risks involved in that when it's stressful enough with just a few jerky kids thinking it.

I agree that some sex ed materials have swung the pendulum into sex-positive-for-everything too far, rather than just being sex-informative and labeling others as anything rather than giving them the tools to do so themselves both isn't helpful and can be detrimental. Saying 'some people rarely or don't ever experience sexual attraction, this is commonly called asexuality' as part of a list of other sexualities than labeling someone.

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