To tell his wife....

[rachielou10]

I work with a guy, We'll call him Tom.

Last year our work hosted a summer party, after some drinks, Tom was acting inappropriately with one of the girls from our office. We'll call her Jess.
None of us saw any kissing, but they were very flirty, touchy, huggy.
More than just the usual "appropriate" behaviour.

It became office gossip that Tom & Jess were "seeing" one another.
They would always be together in the canteen, they'd regularly be seen going out together in the car at lunch time, and they'd always be together at the pub for Friday night drinks.

Tom has a wife but none of us wanted to question Tom as we don't know for certain that there is anything going on between him and Jess.

December last year our work hosted a Christmas party and for the first time we were allowed to bring partners.

Tom brought his wife.

My husband and I were seated at the same table as Tom and his wife for dinner.

I got chatting to her and she's such a lovely person. At the end of the night we ended up exchanging numbers and said we should meet for lunch.
We messaged a few times in the new year but lockdown hit and we never got the chance to meet and we've not messaged now for 5/6 months.

Two weeks ago my husband and I booked an overnight break in Chester at a lovely hotel/spa.

Guess who I saw that evening whilst we were having dinner....

TOM & JESS!!!

It was the MOST uncomfortable experience.
I saw them, they saw me. Neither of us said anything.

I'm currently working form home (most of our office are) so I haven't seen either of them in person though Jess and I have exchanged a few emails.

I still have Toms wife's number and I'm wracked with guilt on whether it's my responsibility to tell her.

I haven't told any of my other colleagues about this as I don't to be the one to spread the news, although we've all had our speculation something has been going on.

I just don't know what to do.

I wish I'd never seen them there!

I mean what would he have told his wife? Work trip?

I can't stop thinking about it.

If it were me, I'd want to know.

It could cause problems for me at work if I were to tell his wife too.

I've typed a message so many times but I've yet to press send.

Help! 😔

If OP does it anonymously specifying the date and location it's not going to take a genius to realise she was the one who told the wife, given Tom and Jess know they were seen by OP and her husband.

Agreed, @LadyH846 . Some people obviously wouldn't want the knowledge to be in control of their own lives should it happen to them.

Or they know they'd stay with their husbands regardless of their infidelities which is even sadder.

I would tell your colleagues, so everyone knows what complete rats Tom and Jess are.

Don't tell the wife, that could backfire, but gossiping to your colleagues won't necessarily.

@ulanbatorismynextstop

I would tell your colleagues, so everyone knows what complete rats Tom and Jess are.

Don't tell the wife, that could backfire, but gossiping to your colleagues won't necessarily.

What would be the point of that? Why is it OP's place to start a gossip-fuelled hate campaign at work?

It is amazing the amount of people giving the OP a flaming for literally asking for some advice. All those saying she is wanting to tell the wife for "drama" etc is unbelievable, she has been sat on this information for two weeks and is clearly in moral turmoil as to what to do for the best. Had she been looking for "drama" or excitement she would have immediately done something - not bothered posting on here two weeks down the line.

Whether they are "just colleagues" is irrelevant and all those telling her to keep out of it as it's none of her business are beyond naive - Tom and Jess have made it other people's business by openly flirting and then having the nerve to take it out in public - risking being seen by someone they knew/worked with. Had they been seen together in a random bar/restaurant then perhaps it could be passed off as two colleagues that were friends and wanted to socialise outside of the work environment....but a male and female colleague at a spa?! Sorry no! And any wives/girlfriends on here making out they would think that's acceptable of their partner/spouse are talking sh*t.

In my personal opinion (controversial as it may be) I think all those stating the OP should stay out of it are the same women that turn a blind eye to their partners infidelities, those that prefer to live in ignorance because they are scared to be alone and then blame not wanting to upset the children as an excuse to stay. Children are not stupid, they pick up on things you do not even realise you are putting out there and they will grow up to think that this is how relationships/marriage works.

Yes, it would make it incredibly uncomfortable at work should it be known the OP was the one that 'outed' Tom and Jess but there is absolutely no way on Earth that there should be any kind of action taken against her. Anyone that thinks this is a possibility is downright stupid.

Actions have consequences, these two individuals - whether having a full blown affair or whether they are just being overly friendly (I somehow don't think it's that innocent) - are behaving in a way that is disrespectful to the wife. What the OP does is obviously entirely up to her but I think she should be praised for even contemplating telling the wife. She deserves to have the information, what she does with it and how it then affects the family is her business.

@ulanbatorismynextstop

I would tell your colleagues, so everyone knows what complete rats Tom and Jess are.

Don't tell the wife, that could backfire, but gossiping to your colleagues won't necessarily.

Nonsense.

When a work colleague spread a malicious rumour that I was having a lesbian affair with a colleague who was very much my junior, though much older in age, I went to management about it and she was pulled in on a disciplinary.

She didn’t learn her lesson though and a few years later started a rumour that a male colleague (whose wife also worked in the department) was having an affair with someone in a different department. He went to management and that gossipy vindictive bitch no longer works there.

my personal opinion (controversial as it may be) I think all those stating the OP should stay out of it are the same women that turn a blind eye to their partners infidelities, those that prefer to live in ignorance because they are scared to be alone and then blame not wanting to upset the children as an excuse to stay.

Even if this weren't weapon-level projection with absolutely nothing to substantiate it and a total disregard for the cases people have made in favour of not getting involved, it would still be irrelevant. If a substantial number of people would prefer not to be told, that's something to inform OP's decision, even if you personally disapprove of that preference and, like others on this thread, would like to get all judgey over it. If a woman doesn't want to know, for whatever reason, it's not anyone else's place to decide for her that she should.

Can't believe some of the advice on here. Tell the woman anonymously. Imagine getting an anonymous letter or phone call saying hour husband is having an affair. Total madness.

Yes, it would make it incredibly uncomfortable at work should it be known the OP was the one that 'outed' Tom and Jess but there is absolutely no way on Earth that there should be any kind of action taken against her. Anyone that thinks this is a possibility is downright stupid.

I’m afraid it’s you who’s downright stupid if you don’t get that this is not just a possibility, but a probability. You really don’t think a company would take action against an employee sending malicious messages to a colleague’s wife? Because make no mistake, without proof of an affair (and the OP has none) it WOULD be considered malicious. You can cry ‘But it’s truuuuuuuue!!!’ all you like - all that happened is that the OP saw two people she recognised in a hotel. She didn’t even speak to them while she was there. All Tom would have to do is say that maybe she saw someone who looked like him and, thanks to the office gossip doing the rounds, she let her imagination do the rest.

In my first job, a woman I worked with very narrowly avoided the sack after she telephoned a colleague’s parents, saying he’d got a girl at work pregnant. It was her stupid idea of a prank. The problem was he still lived with his parents and they kicked him out because of it. She very narrowly kept her job because he took pity on her - she was a single mother and he was worried for her daughter.

Obviously this was genuinely malicious, whereas I don’t believe the OP is being malicious for a minute. But it doesn’t matter. All Tom would have to do is prove malicious intent - and if he’ll cheat on his wife, what makes you think he’ll develop a moral compass when it comes to the OP’s job?

His poor wife.

If you hear hoof beats, don’t look for zebras and all that...

I’d stay out too; I think that it is for him to tell her, particularly as you are not 100% sure. It would be terrible if it affected your own situation at work.

I say mind your own business. And stop trying to create drama.
What Tom does is none of your business, don’t bring drama into the work place. He mite be a shit and his wife mite be nice but you are only seeing it black and white and judging it how you would feel etc.
It’s Tom fault yes and Jess too but you could potentially blow up people’s lives here just to make you feel better than you’ve been honest and told her.
Leave it alone. And get on with your own stuff

I am shocked by many of these replies. Any decent person would be torn about whether to tell the wife or not IMO. Only a person with no morals or doesn't give a shit about anyone else would be 100% certain they wouldn't.

Its a really tough decision and its so hard to know what to do. I think unless it was actually a friend of mine I probably wouldn't, once I told a close friend something and they stopped speaking to me over it, people don't always thank you. Personally I would want to know and I would absolutely judge a close friend who didn't tell me but an acquaintance I probably wouldn't blame.

Any decent person would be torn about whether to tell the wife or not IMO. Only a person with no morals or doesn't give a shit about anyone else would be 100% certain they wouldn't

Here we go, more judgement.

“ In my personal opinion (controversial as it may be) I think all those stating the OP should stay out of it are the same women that turn a blind eye to their partners infidelities, those that prefer to live in ignorance because they are scared to be alone and then blame not wanting to upset the children as an excuse to stay. Children are not stupid, they pick up on things you do not even realise you are putting out there and they will grow up to think that this is how relationships/marriage works.“

It’s not that controversial...I imagine your view is a common misconception...but it is inaccurate. I’ve never cheated for example...and as far as I’m aware I’ve never been cheated on either. Who’s being judgemental now?
I still think the OP should stay the fuck out of it. Oh so.

@ulanbatorismynextstop

I would tell your colleagues, so everyone knows what complete rats Tom and Jess are.

Don't tell the wife, that could backfire, but gossiping to your colleagues won't necessarily.

You probably would. You would revel in spreading the unsubstantiated gossip based on your own interpretation among your workmates, all the while telling yourself yourself you’re doing it because you’re a good person.

@WitchesNStuff

I am shocked by many of these replies. Any decent person would be torn about whether to tell the wife or not IMO. Only a person with no morals or doesn't give a shit about anyone else would be 100% certain they wouldn't.

Its a really tough decision and its so hard to know what to do. I think unless it was actually a friend of mine I probably wouldn't, once I told a close friend something and they stopped speaking to me over it, people don't always thank you. Personally I would want to know and I would absolutely judge a close friend who didn't tell me but an acquaintance I probably wouldn't blame.

You are spot on. It is not a black and white issue.

my personal opinion (controversial as it may be) I think all those stating the OP should stay out of it are the same women that turn a blind eye to their partners infidelities

Most of us have posted the reasons why we feel like it would be an awful idea for OP to tell. Your opinion is ridiculous.

Only a person with no morals or doesn't give a shit about anyone else would be 100% certain they wouldn't

I have morals
My moral code states that it is not OK to get involved in what is practically three stranger's lives. What about if the wife is vulnerable for whatever reason and telling her would cause her more harm than good at this point in her life?. My moral code is to not fuck with people's lives unless I know it is 100% in their best interests.

I also care about my job and feeding my family.

I have been in the position of the wife. Someone told me and I appreciated it in the long run.
Could you tell her anonymously so that it doesn't have work consequences for you?

I'm amazed by the people who think that it's preferable not to tell the wife.

And I’m amazed by the people who think it’s appropriate to drop this bombshell not the lap,of a virtual stranger you met once

IN the lap

Could you tell her anonymously so that it doesn't have work consequences for you? why should there be no consequences for the OP. If she can’t own what she’s doing then she shouldn’t be doing it. It’s that simple.

People here clearly don’t care if there are consequences for Tom’s wife, for Jess, for the children who might be caught up in this, so why should the OP not have consequences? You don’t just get to drop this on someone and walk off into the sunset saying “it wasn’t me, honest.”

NO ANONYMOUS NOTE.

I wish people would stop suggesting an anonymous note. It would be a sleekit, creepy, intimidating thing to fucking do. Use some emotional intelligence you drama-seekers, please.

Or an anonymous message, email, phone call...whatever the fuck other idiotic idea any of you have for a reveal.

I was in his wife's position and dearly wish I had been told. I felt like such a total fool, I was ashamed and embarrassed by how easily I had been deceived.

To all appearances my partner and then husband appeared charming, totally committed to us, proposed, got married.... the whole shebang.
Found out 3 months later he had been cheating for nearly a year, gave him a chance to redeem himself, believed his bullshit again and he got caught out again.

So Facebook isn't really a good measure, and yes I would plant the seed of doubt in her mind if it isn't already there. Mention the hotel and how nice it was, perhaps we could grab a girls weekend.....