To tell his wife....

[rachielou10]

I work with a guy, We'll call him Tom.

Last year our work hosted a summer party, after some drinks, Tom was acting inappropriately with one of the girls from our office. We'll call her Jess.
None of us saw any kissing, but they were very flirty, touchy, huggy.
More than just the usual "appropriate" behaviour.

It became office gossip that Tom & Jess were "seeing" one another.
They would always be together in the canteen, they'd regularly be seen going out together in the car at lunch time, and they'd always be together at the pub for Friday night drinks.

Tom has a wife but none of us wanted to question Tom as we don't know for certain that there is anything going on between him and Jess.

December last year our work hosted a Christmas party and for the first time we were allowed to bring partners.

Tom brought his wife.

My husband and I were seated at the same table as Tom and his wife for dinner.

I got chatting to her and she's such a lovely person. At the end of the night we ended up exchanging numbers and said we should meet for lunch.
We messaged a few times in the new year but lockdown hit and we never got the chance to meet and we've not messaged now for 5/6 months.

Two weeks ago my husband and I booked an overnight break in Chester at a lovely hotel/spa.

Guess who I saw that evening whilst we were having dinner....

TOM & JESS!!!

It was the MOST uncomfortable experience.
I saw them, they saw me. Neither of us said anything.

I'm currently working form home (most of our office are) so I haven't seen either of them in person though Jess and I have exchanged a few emails.

I still have Toms wife's number and I'm wracked with guilt on whether it's my responsibility to tell her.

I haven't told any of my other colleagues about this as I don't to be the one to spread the news, although we've all had our speculation something has been going on.

I just don't know what to do.

I wish I'd never seen them there!

I mean what would he have told his wife? Work trip?

I can't stop thinking about it.

If it were me, I'd want to know.

It could cause problems for me at work if I were to tell his wife too.

I've typed a message so many times but I've yet to press send.

Help! 😔

I would 'forget' I saw them, tbh.

They are almost definitely having an affair and his wife doesn't know. However, she won't be grateful for you dropping a hand grenade in her life - I have told somebody in a similar situation and they are still together, but she blanks me in Tesco's...

They have kids, are working from home and the second wave is about to hit. Don't put her in a position where she has to confront the problems in her marriage too... For all you know Tom and Jess could have been having a dinner to end things, or this place was just convenient to meet up in terms of where they are living working from home. There is a lot you don't know.

I feel for you though, as it is a quandary

I wouldn't some people just don't want to know.

@Bluntness100

All these comments about how it could affect their son etc are not your concern! That is his doing. He is the one cheating, he is already affecting his son.Ignore the vipers!

Really? Because this comment is as viperish as it gets, she doesn’t know he is cheating, she is guessing, and she shouldn’t give a toss about the son, she should just guess and wade in there ?

Yeah, that’s not viperish at all

When did I say that please?

The cheater is affecting the son, not OP.

To all those saying ‘I’d want to know; get a burner phone and send an anonymous text’, I’d genuinely like to know - what would your reaction be to such a text? Would you scream ‘The bastard! I’ll kill him!’ and then take the scissors to his best suits? Would you angrily confront him, demanding to know who this Jess slut is? Or would you be in shock that someone hated either you or your husband enough to make up such a vicious lie and send it to you anonymously? Because unless the wife significantly suspects already, the last one is the most likely reaction. An anonymous note or text is not ‘telling’ the wife - it’s more likely making her think someone has a grudge or is playing a sick joke.

Even if the OP does contact her directly, this isn’t a ‘do I believe my husband or my old trusted friend?’ quandary. It’s ‘do I believe my husband or his colleague I met once, months ago?’ True, she might ask more questions if it’s not a stranger, but the likelihood is Tom could fairly easily convince her that the OP has a grudge or is taking revenge for an unrequited crush.

‘Telling’ the wife in either of these ways is not a case of ‘Job done’.

Well no, if OP decides to tell what she thinks she knows, that will have an impact on the wife and the son.

It's a cop-out to say that the cheater is affecting the son in this scenario because that fact isn't even established. So many people seem so willing to throw bombs into other people's relationships stating that 'they'd want to know'. Want to know what exactly?

There are several things that OP could actively do to let her colleagues know that she disapproves but still distance herself from this situation rather than plonking herself into it, front and centre. Not as drama-filled but effective nonetheless.

Absolutely StillCoughingandLaughing, that bell can't be un-rung either.

I new someone whose husband was always messing around and no one told her. She was devastated and very hurt and felt totally humiliated when she was made aware that folks new. She cut people out of her life who didnt tell her. For me I cant abide cheats and whether she believes you or not is neither here not there I would tell her.

@blanchmange50 OP isn't her friend though, she met her once, messaged her a bit and hasn't had any contact with this woman for over 6 months. She only believes they are still married as she's seen a photo on social media.
Really, would you really make contact with her to tell her she's seen the man she assumes to still be her husband with another woman at a hotel, in the OP's shoes?

all those saying ‘I’d want to know; get a burner phone and send an anonymous text’, I’d genuinely like to know - what would your reaction be to such a text? Would you scream ‘The bastard! I’ll kill him!’ and then take the scissors to his best suits? Would you angrily confront him, demanding to know who this Jess slut is? Or would you be in shock that someone hated either you or your husband enough to make up such a vicious lie and send it to you anonymously? Because unless the wife significantly suspects already, the last one is the most likely reaction. An anonymous note or text is not ‘telling’ the wife - it’s more likely making her think someone has a grudge or is playing a sick joke.

This is exactly why I think that if OP does tell, and I'm not convinced she should, she should not do it anonymously. There's actually something very unpleasant about deciding the issue is worth lobbing a grenade into the lives of three people who are nothing to do with you, but not worth any consequences to yourself even after you insert yourself into it. Plus the fact that it will likely fuck with the wife's head and heart on an additional level to the discovery of infidelity, assuming she doesn't know or suspect already.

She should have taken a selfie at dinner and ensured they were visible over her shoulder by accident... then been sure to post on Facebook and hope a colleague/the wife noticed

There are some very sly and shit-stirring people around... and I'm not even talking about the cheaters.

I've just remembered a term for this courtesy of one of my Scottish friendst... "sleekit". A most excellent word.

Question to all the people advising carefully posed selfies, burner phones, dishonest loaded text messages and the like, or anonymous notes that Wife can't assess or verify because she doesn't even know who's saying it...why? If the situation is so important that it's worth OP taking an active part in it and resulting in all these consequences to everyone else, why is it not worth any consequences to her? If it's her business, why aren't the consequences also her business?

I've just remembered a term for this courtesy of one of my Scottish friendst... "sleekit". A most excellent word.
Clype also
www.dsl.ac.uk/entry/snd/clype_n1

@blanchmange50

I new someone whose husband was always messing around and no one told her. She was devastated and very hurt and felt totally humiliated when she was made aware that folks new. She cut people out of her life who didnt tell her. For me I cant abide cheats and whether she believes you or not is neither here not there I would tell her.

I can’t say that I would blame a colleague of my husband I’d met socially once for not telling me,tbh.

@ShebaShimmyShake

Question to all the people advising carefully posed selfies, burner phones, dishonest loaded text messages and the like, or anonymous notes that Wife can't assess or verify because she doesn't even know who's saying it...why? If the situation is so important that it's worth OP taking an active part in it and resulting in all these consequences to everyone else, why is it not worth any consequences to her? If it's her business, why aren't the consequences also her business?

TOTALLY AGREE WITH THIS!!!!

Just leave it. You risk seeming weirdly interested. This isn't Crimewatch. Leave it.

it’s interesting that none of the people who are posting here that they did tell someone about their partn’er’s affair and that person never spoke to them again are posting that it didn’t matter and that they would do it all over again.

I suspect that a lot of people saying that they would tell are doing it partly because they think the wife will be grateful to them for alerting her to the fact her partner is a cheat. But it seems the people who have actually told and the wife never spoke to them again all say they would never do so again.

Years ago my mum had a friend whose DH was having an affair. He actually asked her to lie for him and she told him to get stuffed, so when the wife asked her she told her. And after that it all got weird, the wife befriended the OW and they all went out to dinner together etc, she stayed with the husband for several years after that, and although they still stayed friends with my parents my mum said she would never do it again, she would rather just stay away from the person in future...

Is there any chance at all that they might be in an open marriage?

I think without knowing Tom and his wife in depth it's just too risky.

It could be innocent and Tom could end up loosing his wife due to a bit of rumour stirring.

It could be an affair of course but it's not worth the risk to their marriage if it's not.

My name is Gossip. I have no respect for Justice.

I maim without killing. I break hearts and ruin lives.

I am cunning and malicious and gather strength with age.

The more I am quoted, the more I am believed.

I flourish at every level of society.

My victims are helpless. They cannot protect themselves against me because I have no name and no face.

To track me down is impossible. The harder you try, the more elusive I become.

I am nobody's friend.

Once I tarnish a reputation, it is never quite the same.

My name is Gossip.

I’d tell her.
“Tom and Jess from work have been having an affair. Unfortunately it’s been obvious for a while at work, and then I saw them together at X on X. Sorry, thought you should know.”

If it’s not true or she decides to shoot the messenger then you aren’t that close so no major loss.

Any comeback at work? “I’m not the one having an affair with a colleague and making the working environment uncomfortable”

@RunningFromInsanity

I’d tell her. “Tom and Jess from work have been having an affair. Unfortunately it’s been obvious for a while at work, and then I saw them together at X on X. Sorry, thought you should know.”

If it’s not true or she decides to shoot the messenger then you aren’t that close so no major loss.

Any comeback at work? “I’m not the one having an affair with a colleague and making the working environment uncomfortable”

So you’d lie to her. And your response to any comeback at work would only encourage any decent manager to show you the door.

@RunningFromInsanity

I’d tell her. “Tom and Jess from work have been having an affair. Unfortunately it’s been obvious for a while at work, and then I saw them together at X on X. Sorry, thought you should know.”

If it’s not true or she decides to shoot the messenger then you aren’t that close so no major loss.

Any comeback at work? “I’m not the one having an affair with a colleague and making the working environment uncomfortable”

You don't think telling a colleague's wife about a suspected affair makes the working environment uncomfortable?

And you think it's "no major loss" if it turns out not to be true? Simply because OP herself isn't close to Wife? The potential consequences for Tom and Wife if it's not true are "no major loss"?

How is that a lie? Op said it was noticeable at work, and she saw that at X.

No major loss by means of they weren’t great friends.

And the two colleagues made it uncomfortable at first.

Just state what you know and if it’s not true, Tom will have a reasonable explanation.

It’s a lie because OP doesn’t know they’re having an affair. She thinks they might be. They’re all furloughed so how is it making it uncomfortable at work? None of them are even at work. I can’t believe people are so blasé about casually destroying other people’s lives.