To tell his wife....

[rachielou10]

I work with a guy, We'll call him Tom.

Last year our work hosted a summer party, after some drinks, Tom was acting inappropriately with one of the girls from our office. We'll call her Jess.
None of us saw any kissing, but they were very flirty, touchy, huggy.
More than just the usual "appropriate" behaviour.

It became office gossip that Tom & Jess were "seeing" one another.
They would always be together in the canteen, they'd regularly be seen going out together in the car at lunch time, and they'd always be together at the pub for Friday night drinks.

Tom has a wife but none of us wanted to question Tom as we don't know for certain that there is anything going on between him and Jess.

December last year our work hosted a Christmas party and for the first time we were allowed to bring partners.

Tom brought his wife.

My husband and I were seated at the same table as Tom and his wife for dinner.

I got chatting to her and she's such a lovely person. At the end of the night we ended up exchanging numbers and said we should meet for lunch.
We messaged a few times in the new year but lockdown hit and we never got the chance to meet and we've not messaged now for 5/6 months.

Two weeks ago my husband and I booked an overnight break in Chester at a lovely hotel/spa.

Guess who I saw that evening whilst we were having dinner....

TOM & JESS!!!

It was the MOST uncomfortable experience.
I saw them, they saw me. Neither of us said anything.

I'm currently working form home (most of our office are) so I haven't seen either of them in person though Jess and I have exchanged a few emails.

I still have Toms wife's number and I'm wracked with guilt on whether it's my responsibility to tell her.

I haven't told any of my other colleagues about this as I don't to be the one to spread the news, although we've all had our speculation something has been going on.

I just don't know what to do.

I wish I'd never seen them there!

I mean what would he have told his wife? Work trip?

I can't stop thinking about it.

If it were me, I'd want to know.

It could cause problems for me at work if I were to tell his wife too.

I've typed a message so many times but I've yet to press send.

Help! 😔

@RunningFromInsanity

How is that a lie? Op said it was noticeable at work, and she saw that at X.

No major loss by means of they weren’t great friends.

And the two colleagues made it uncomfortable at first.

Just state what you know and if it’s not true, Tom will have a reasonable explanation.

Unbelievable. OP does not know anything other than that she saw them together. I agree it's almost certainly an affair, but you can't go off telling her things about her marriage that you didn't witness, and then say it's ok because Tom can talk his way out of it if you told Wife he was having an affair when he wasn't. There is more at stake here than OP's non-existent friendship with Wife.

And if you start meddling with the private lives of your colleagues, going outside the workplace to do it, you are definitely causing discomfort in the office. It's Tom's own home-made bomb, but that doesn't make it ok to light the fuse and then claim you didn't aggravate the situation. Or that it's no big deal because you weren't close to the explosion, and Tom can deal with it if it turned out not to be true.

OP, if this is indeed the thought process - that it's ok to spread muck outside of your workplace and the resulting atmosphere is nothing to do with you, or that the potential devastation is fine because you're not close to it - then I'm changing my answer to an absolute definite no, don't tell. There's absolutely no virtue to this line of reasoning.

I would tell her or send an anonymous message. How she deals with it is up to her, if they’re in an open marriage it won’t be an issue, but at least you’ve given her the opportunity to discover the truth.

Telling her isn’t going to ruin her life. If her husband is cheating HE is the one ruining her life. If he isn’t cheating then it won’t be an issue.

Personally I wouldn’t over think it, just drop a note and be done with it.

He’s having an affair. She deserves to know. You don’t take a work colleague to a spa.

Don’t mention the part about them being flirty at work then.
Just say, “I saw Tom and Jess (a colleague) at X on X. Might be nothing but just thought you should know”
Factual and let’s her do what she wants. Of course she’s gonna be hurt but everyone in that position would want to know.
It’s cowardly to sit back and not do the right thing because that’s the easy option.

@RunningFromInsanity

He’s having an affair. She deserves to know. You don’t take a work colleague to a spa.

Don’t mention the part about them being flirty at work then.
Just say, “I saw Tom and Jess (a colleague) at X on X. Might be nothing but just thought you should know”
Factual and let’s her do what she wants. Of course she’s gonna be hurt but everyone in that position would want to know.
It’s cowardly to sit back and not do the right thing because that’s the easy option.

That's a bit better...at least just telling her what you saw rather than what you've concluded as if it's proven fact and then shrugging it off if it turned out you were wrong.

But some people wouldn't want to know. They've said so on here (and been insulted and judged for it but still, that's what they would choose).

It's not cowardly, though, to decide that it isn't your place to insert yourself into the lives of three people who have nothing to do with you and take an active role in setting off an explosion. (It would be cowardly, though, to do it in such a way as to create consequences for everyone but yourself.) Far from the undisputed "right thing", that could actually be devastating and heartbreaking, not to mention presumptuous.

It’s crazy that you are getting flamed for this.

This is a reason to hate mumsnet.
Acting like you’ve came on and said you want to steal an old ladies pension.

OP can you tip her off anonymously?

Otherwise I think the idea of sending her a how are you message and then innocently mention you saw Tom.

People on AIBU just jump on LITERALLY anything to drag the OP. You could be like “there’s a tiny puppy outside and I’m going to let it in from the cold” and they’d be like “FUCK YOU!!!” 😂

Personally I understand your worry, I would feel bad if I thought someone was cheating and I was sort of “complicit” in keeping it from the wife but then you don’t know any facts.... ugh for me it would be so awful people knowing my husband was cheating. Actually this happened at my old work and I don’t think anyone told the wife because none of us had met her... it was all a mess. I have no advice just shocked people are having a right go at you for this.

I saw someone else suggest speaking to Tom about it first, i think thats a good idea, if you know him well? Id say that you no theres clearly something going on behind his wifes back and they your giving him the chance to tell her 1st before you end up telling her yourself. I mean id be prepared for a total bullsh*t answer from him

I mean id be prepared for a total bullsht answer from him*

Like “Mind your own fucking business”, perhaps? Which is the only appropriate response to this idiotic idea.

People on AIBU just jump on LITERALLY anything to drag the OP. You could be like “there’s a tiny puppy outside and I’m going to let it in from the cold” and they’d be like “FUCK YOU!!!”

The thread being in AIBU has nothing to do with the responses. It would be one thing if the OP and the wife were best friends but they’re not. But now we have posters suggesting that the OP get a burner phone, pose as jess to get proof she was in the hotel, take selfies with them in the background. That’s not doing the right thing that’s deliberately making yourself a part of the drama.

And let’s not be so disingenuous as to suggest that if it’s all innocent then Tom can sort it all out. Everyone on here knows full well that if a woman posted here that some random person had told her her husband was having an affair the immediate response would be “he’s having an affair. Don’t believe a word. Whatever he tells you it’s all a script. Ducks in a row and call a solicitor.”

So yes, the OP would be ruining this woman and her children’s and possibly even Tom’s lives.

I don’t understand how OP can be responsible for ruining someone’s life. Telling someone that you suspect they’re being cheated on doesn’t mean you are responsible for all of the conduct and consequences that flow from that. If the husband is cheating, he alone is responsible for his conduct.

@Plmoknijb123

I don’t understand how OP can be responsible for ruining someone’s life. Telling someone that you suspect they’re being cheated on doesn’t mean you are responsible for all of the conduct and consequences that flow from that. If the husband is cheating, he alone is responsible for his conduct.

He absolutely is 100% responsible for his affair. But actions have consequences, and if you insert yourself uninvited and unsolicited into other people's lives to set off chains of events, you're responsible for your part in a potentially devastating drama. So you had better be bloody sure it's the right thing to do and your place to do it, especially as it can't be undone, and I'd have no time for someone doing it anonymously so that the only person who could escape consequences would be themselves. If it truly is your business, then the consequences are your business too. If you don't feel you should have responsibility for the consequences, perhaps you don't have responsibility for lighting the touch paper.

I was on the fence when this started, with my only clear feeling being that if OP tells, she should tell honestly and openly, just saying what she saw and not what she speculates, and not anonymously so that Wife has no idea what to believe. And if she couldn't do that, then she shouldn't do anything at all. I still believe that, but the number of people advising anonymous tip offs is making me sway towards not telling at all. If you don't think it's your business enough to take the consequences of inserting yourself into it, then I'm struggling to see how it could be your business enough to lob a grenade at everyone else.

The OP isn’t responsible for harming his wife that’s his doing (if he is having an affair)

Neither is she responsible for going round trying to correct wrongdoing when it is nothing to do with her.

We often have to sit with uncomfortable feelings - sometimes we need to try an understand why it’s making us feel so bad, why we feel we need to save someone, why we feel guilty when we have done nothing wrong, are we liking the drama, have we been in that position so assume we know what she wants etc

I would feel pity for a partner I suspected being cheated on but I could never feel it was up to me to interfere

Why would you risk having issues at your job? His wife is not your friend, just someone you once chatted with at a party.
Not your business getting involve din your colleagues' private life. What are you? the morality police?

These ppl are not friends, they are just work colleagues.
You know nothings about thier lives or what is going with their marriage.
I suggest you keep your beak out and maybe stop gossiping about people.

I wish somebody had told me. However, I am conflicted because I know how painful and life ruining it is. I'd probably tell Tom you know what he's doing and to pack it in or you will tell his wife.

The OP isn’t responsible for harming his wife that’s his doing (if he is having an affair) and what if he isn’t? Do people honestly believe that if it’s all innocent the news from someone else won’t have any consequences for the wife? For Tom? For the children who will possibly be witness to a horrible atmosphere at home even if it’s innocent and while things are being resolved?

And what if he isn’t having an affair and complains to HR that his colleague has been putting about malicious gossip about him and trying to break up his marriage. Shouldn’t the OP at the very least be disciplined for that? As a PP said, if you want to make that big an impact in someone else’s life, then you have to be prepared for the consequences to yourself. And that could include issues at work, possibly disciplinary or even dismissal. If you’re not prepared for what it could mean for you then you have no business getting involved.

IMHO Tom is not 100% responsible. Just because Jess is a woman doesn’t mean she’s blame free. Affairs need 2 people so she’s no better than him.
If I was Mrs Tom I wouldn’t think badly of anyone that gave me the heads up that my OH could be playing away. If I already suspected, then it’s more evidence for me to go on and if I had no idea then I’d be grateful someone had the guts to let me know. In the unlikely event that I already knew and was happy to turn a blind eye then whilst I wouldn’t be happy about him doing it so brazenly I wouldn’t be angry with whoever told me
I haven’t read the whole thread as I got fed up of all the OP bashing but I fail to see how her job could be jeopardy because she spilled the beans. Some places have a policy about personal relationships with work colleagues so it might well be that Tom and Jess could be in more trouble than her if they are having an affair and management gets wind of it.
It surprises me that the ‘non of your business’ posters appear to have forgotten that not many of the women who seeks advice when they discover that their partners are having affairs don’t say that they wish someone had told them. I can’t believe that any of us would be happy if we knew our partners were behaving in an over familiar way with someone else in front of others and I for one would prefer to be told by someone I knew, if only vaguely, than by someone anonymously.

I haven’t read the whole thread as I got fed up of all the OP bashing but I fail to see how her job could be jeopardy because she spilled the beans. Some places have a policy about personal relationships with work colleagues so it might well be that Tom and Jess could be in more trouble than her if they are having an affair and management gets wind of it. well, it might not b true for starters.

And while many of the posters whose husbands had affairs say they wished someone had told them, there are equally as many who did tell someone and that person shot the messenger, and now they say they would never do it again.

It’s very easy to say “I would....” but you don’t actually know that.

If the wife for instance were to stay with him, then she would know that if they e.g. went to works do’s together she would be gossiped about “that’s his wife, he had an affair you know, and she still stayed with him.” “Yeah I know, there’s no way I would have, she’s a bit of a mug, he’ll do it again....” don’t under-estimate the office gossip. If the OP tells the wife, she will feel under pressure to do what others think she should do or know that everyone else knows and has gossiped about her business.

Keep out of it.

You have no idea what happens behind closed doors. No need to mess about in other people's relationships.

Just make sure yours is o.k.

Any comeback at work? “I’m not the one having an affair with a colleague and making the working environment uncomfortable”

Are people really this stupid? If the OP was so startlingly clueless as to make that comment, what do you think HR/the boss would say in response? ‘Yeah, she’s got a point Tom - you really shouldn’t have been shagging Jess in the stationery cupboard’? It’s ridiculous. Their first question would be ‘If you and others have had concerns over this since and how it’s affecting the team since Christmas, why has no one been to us about it before? Why have you taken it out of our hands and made allegations to a colleague’s wife?’

You’re also making a fairly massive assumption that, if Tom and Jess went to HR to complain about the OP, they’d say at the same time ‘Yeah, it’s a fair cop, we have been shagging, but she’s the one in the wrong for telling my wife’? Do you not think they might, you know, lie? If Tom has been lying to his own wife for months, he can lie to HR - and what’s more, the OP can’t prove he’s lying. She can’t prove he and Jess were at the hotel. The OP herself has said she didn’t even speak to them. All Tom and Jess have to do is say ‘OP was mistaken’. This is HR in a small company, not the police - they can’t call the hotel and demand to see the register or CCTV. OP has seen nothing concrete, has no evidence of what she claims has been going on and, if called in, wouldn’t even be able to prove she’d had previous concerns about how this was affecting the work environment. Tom, on the other hand, could have a text or voicemail he could prove came from the OP’s phone. He holds the cards in any scenario where this affects work, not the OP.

Stillcoughing is 100% right.

OP in your shoes I might feel angry that I was somehow complicit in screwing over Tom’s wife by being in a position where i had to keep silent.

It’s an awful position to be in but I would probably try to accept that life is a complicated mess, affairs happen (though they’re extremely selfish and hurtful) and you can’t fix everything.

It’s an awful position to be in

It really isn’t - a work colleague has cheated on wife, a virtual stranger To the OP she met once at the Christmas do. And now she was a moral dilemma as to whether to buy a burner phone, go all avenging angel etc?

And For something as run of the mill - sorry - as infidelity . After all, when c.20% - 40% of married people have been unfaithful (US estimates), it really isn’t that amazingly unique and moral quandary.

Totally get that if this were a close friend, the situation would be different

I agree...it’s not an awful position to be in. It’s fairly straightforward. Don’t interfere, there’s no need.

No I would feel really pissed that I was having to turn a blind eye - and probably my arsehole colleague feels smug that he knows there’s fuck all I can do to expose him for the liar he is.
Have some empathy.

I'm amazed by the people who think that it's preferable not to tell the wife.