To tell his wife....

[rachielou10]

I work with a guy, We'll call him Tom.

Last year our work hosted a summer party, after some drinks, Tom was acting inappropriately with one of the girls from our office. We'll call her Jess.
None of us saw any kissing, but they were very flirty, touchy, huggy.
More than just the usual "appropriate" behaviour.

It became office gossip that Tom & Jess were "seeing" one another.
They would always be together in the canteen, they'd regularly be seen going out together in the car at lunch time, and they'd always be together at the pub for Friday night drinks.

Tom has a wife but none of us wanted to question Tom as we don't know for certain that there is anything going on between him and Jess.

December last year our work hosted a Christmas party and for the first time we were allowed to bring partners.

Tom brought his wife.

My husband and I were seated at the same table as Tom and his wife for dinner.

I got chatting to her and she's such a lovely person. At the end of the night we ended up exchanging numbers and said we should meet for lunch.
We messaged a few times in the new year but lockdown hit and we never got the chance to meet and we've not messaged now for 5/6 months.

Two weeks ago my husband and I booked an overnight break in Chester at a lovely hotel/spa.

Guess who I saw that evening whilst we were having dinner....

TOM & JESS!!!

It was the MOST uncomfortable experience.
I saw them, they saw me. Neither of us said anything.

I'm currently working form home (most of our office are) so I haven't seen either of them in person though Jess and I have exchanged a few emails.

I still have Toms wife's number and I'm wracked with guilt on whether it's my responsibility to tell her.

I haven't told any of my other colleagues about this as I don't to be the one to spread the news, although we've all had our speculation something has been going on.

I just don't know what to do.

I wish I'd never seen them there!

I mean what would he have told his wife? Work trip?

I can't stop thinking about it.

If it were me, I'd want to know.

It could cause problems for me at work if I were to tell his wife too.

I've typed a message so many times but I've yet to press send.

Help! 😔

Well - clearly OP should get a burner phone, phone for a duplicate invoice to be send to VS (virtual stranger), start rumours at work and send poison pen anonymous messages and / or cryptic faux naive comments.

Have I missed anything ?

I was in his wife's position and dearly wish I had been told. I felt like such a total fool, I was ashamed and embarrassed by how easily I had been deceived. To all appearances my partner and then husband appeared charming, totally committed to us, proposed, got married.... the whole shebang. Found out 3 months later he had been cheating for nearly a year, gave him a chance to redeem himself, believed his bullshit again and he got caught out again.

So you found out for definite your partner had been cheating, but forgave him... yet you’d want to hear vague gossip from a virtual stranger?

@Aridane

Well - clearly OP should get a burner phone, phone for a duplicate invoice to be send to VS (virtual stranger), start rumours at work and send poison pen anonymous messages and / or cryptic faux naive comments.

Have I missed anything ?

Yes. She should also have taken a selfie with Tom and Jess "accidentally" in the background and plaster it all over social media in the hope that it'll get around. And tell Tom's boss and then deny that she's done anything to cause trouble in the workplace.

Ah yes, silly me.

And of course I forgot one of the more bonkers suggestion of PM’ing another poster who from their phone would then text the Virtual Stranger

I suspect there are a lot of posters having affairs on this thread.

Why wouldn't you want to have full knowledge of your relationship and be in control of your sexual health?!

If the wife knows and has chosen to live with a cheat then telling her won't make a difference. She probably suspects but is being gaslighted by him.

I understand this is a moral dilemma and people will have different views. But I am puzzled as to why so many people in the "tell her" camp can't accept that there could be a good reason not to step into and light a fuse in the lives of three people you barely know, and whose situation you don't know either. You can believe that's a harmful, presumptuous and dangerous thing to do without being in an affair, or blaming your kids for your choice to accept your husband's infidelity, or whatever other batshit projections and accusations there have been on here.

Honestly, the thought processes alone of so many "tell him" posters are enough to make me side with "stay out of it". Some of them are absolutely deranged and even hateful. Not to mention the obsession with anonymity or using dishonest means to spill the beans, in an attempt to bring consequences to everyone but themselves. If it's that much your business, own the consequences too.

@ShebaShimmyShake

I understand this is a moral dilemma and people will have different views. But I am puzzled as to why so many people in the "tell her" camp can't accept that there could be a good reason not to step into and light a fuse in the lives of three people you barely know, and whose situation you don't know either. You can believe that's a harmful, presumptuous and dangerous thing to do without being in an affair, or blaming your kids for your choice to accept your husband's infidelity, or whatever other batshit projections and accusations there have been on here.

Honestly, the thought processes alone of so many "tell him" posters are enough to make me side with "stay out of it". Some of them are absolutely deranged and even hateful. Not to mention the obsession with anonymity or using dishonest means to spill the beans, in an attempt to bring consequences to everyone but themselves. If it's that much your business, own the consequences too.

How is a factual message to the wife saying eg "Nice to see Tom at XYZ hotel last weekend. Sorry we didn't have a chance to say hello. Maybe we can all meet up for a drink" lighting a fuse? It's not spreading gossip, it's making no assumptions. It's not even mentioning Jess. Just the facts ma'am.

I would mind my own business But let Tom know what I saw

As an adult my parents separated, and my mum, siblings and I found out that my dad had had multiple affairs from when I was a baby, some lasting as long as 8 years.
It became apparent that many people in my parents large friendship group were aware but decided to “keep out of it”.
Many years ago, one of my mums Friends said to her that she had heard a rumour that my dad was having an affair (my mum chose to ignore - her choice at that time).
I have the utmost respect for that one friend.

How is a factual message to the wife saying eg "Nice to see Tom at XYZ hotel last weekend. Sorry we didn't have a chance to say hello. Maybe we can all meet up for a drink" lighting a fuse? It's not spreading gossip, it's making no assumptions. It's not even mentioning Jess. Just the facts ma'am.

Because it's a dishonest and loaded text. It pretends to be an innocent note about meeting up, but it's actually intended to tell Wife about Tom's suspected affair while trying to get out of any responsibility and consequences for doing so. You know you're lighting a fuse by doing this by the simple fact that you're pretending you're not doing it. Because it's explosive. Because it's potentially very damaging. Because you simply do not know enough about the situation or the people in it - indeed, they are all but nothing to for with you - to know that you are first doing no harm. And you'd know that. That's why you'd be trying to protect yourself with the dishonest premise.

It's horrible. If Tom, Jess and Wife's lives are your business enough to light the touch paper, then they're your business enough to take the consequences to yourself as well for what you're doing. If you aren't prepared to take those consequences after inserting yourself into the situation, then stay out of it.

@Skyla2005

I would mind my own business But let Tom know what I saw

He knows. He was there, remember?

How is a factual message to the wife saying eg "Nice to see Tom at XYZ hotel last weekend. Sorry we didn't have a chance to say hello. Maybe we can all meet up for a drink" lighting a fuse? It's not spreading gossip, it's making no assumptions. It's not even mentioning Jess. Just the facts ma'am.

Because the OP wouldn’t be sending it as a factual message. She would be sending it because she suspects foul play and wants to highlight it. She’d be doing it knowing she was going to cause trouble.

A factual message is me texting my mother to tell her I ran into our old next door neighbour In Sainsbury’s. Texting someone and saying ‘It was so nice to see your husband with a woman who isn’t you’ is gossipy troublemaking.

@ShebaShimmyShake

How is a factual message to the wife saying eg "Nice to see Tom at XYZ hotel last weekend. Sorry we didn't have a chance to say hello. Maybe we can all meet up for a drink" lighting a fuse? It's not spreading gossip, it's making no assumptions. It's not even mentioning Jess. Just the facts ma'am.

Because it's a dishonest and loaded text. It pretends to be an innocent note about meeting up, but it's actually intended to tell Wife about Tom's suspected affair while trying to get out of any responsibility and consequences for doing so. You know you're lighting a fuse by doing this by the simple fact that you're pretending you're not doing it. Because it's explosive. Because it's potentially very damaging. Because you simply do not know enough about the situation or the people in it - indeed, they are all but nothing to for with you - to know that you are first doing no harm. And you'd know that. That's why you'd be trying to protect yourself with the dishonest premise.

It's horrible. If Tom, Jess and Wife's lives are your business enough to light the touch paper, then they're your business enough to take the consequences to yourself as well for what you're doing. If you aren't prepared to take those consequences after inserting yourself into the situation, then stay out of it.

This. Sending a faux innocent text is a horrible thing to do and I’m amazed people are suggesting it. If you are too much of a coward to tell the wife exactly what you saw and take the consequences then keep your fucking mouth shut.

Hopefully Tom either left the wife and took up with Jess at the start of lockdown, and they are both trying to keep their shittiness a secret.

Or when Tom saw the op that night at the restaurant, and suddenly realised what he could have lost and dumped Jess.

Or the wife found out another way, got her ducks in a row etc etc and took him to the cleaners.

I prefer the latter option, but I’m an eternal optimist .

There is so much projection on this thread it's mad.

OP doesn't even know if Tom and his wife are still together.

OP is not a friend of the wife, she met her once at a work do, swapped mobile numbers and hasn't had any contact with her for over six months
The wife might be dead for all she knows, sorry to be flippant.

Those coming with very sad examples of parent's affairs and friends and family knowing and not telling etc etc are describing a completely different situation.

I can't blame OP for disappearing tbh, this thread is now completely batshit.

It could be that the OP hasn’t heard from the wife in six months precisely because she does now know. I certainly wouldn’t be rushing to text my husband’s colleagues if he’d just ditched me for one of them.

Exactly.

No. She hasn’t heard from the wife in six months because we’ve been in lockdown and the OP is a stranger to her she met at her husband’s work event once.

I didn’t contact anyone I don’t know to arrange social stuff during lockdown...did you?

No, but the op has no idea what is going on with any of these people. Nor do you pictish. That’s the point.

@VinylDetective absolutely there is judgement there, surely it would cross any decent persons mind that they may want to tell the wife. What is eventually decided may be not to tell them which is fine depending on circumstances but to not even consider it seems unacceptable to me.

to be clear, there is no judgement about the OP. They are clearly torn about what to do, most people with any morals would be.

@U2HasTheEdge but the point is that you would consider telling someone in the right circumstances, that is totally different than not considering to tell them at all surely. If you were in OPs position would you think to yourself, even for a fleeting moment, should I tell the wife? Like I said, the chances are I personally wouldn't tell her in this situation as she is merely an acquaintance and I wouldn't know their full marital scenario, plus the work situation etc but it would still cross my mind as a thought to consider it.

No. She hasn’t heard from the wife in six months because we’ve been in lockdown and the OP is a stranger to her she met at her husband’s work event once.

Well of course this is the most likely reason she hasn’t heard from her. I’m just pointing out, for all the people saying the wife deserves to know, that she may well already know.

[quote WitchesNStuff]@U2HasTheEdge but the point is that you would consider telling someone in the right circumstances, that is totally different than not considering to tell them at all surely. If you were in OPs position would you think to yourself, even for a fleeting moment, should I tell the wife? Like I said, the chances are I personally wouldn't tell her in this situation as she is merely an acquaintance and I wouldn't know their full marital scenario, plus the work situation etc but it would still cross my mind as a thought to consider it.[/quote]
This is what you said

Any decent person would be torn about whether to tell the wife or not IMO. Only a person with no morals or doesn't give a shit about anyone else would be 100% certain they wouldn't.

And I disagree with that. I am 100% certain I wouldn't tell and I have morals. I would not be torn, and I am a decent person.

That is the comment I was replying to. It has now changed to talking about fleeting thoughts of considering telling her. That wasn't what you said originally, but I wouldn't think someone is lacking morals even if the thought of telling her never enter their head.

[quote WitchesNStuff]@VinylDetective absolutely there is judgement there, surely it would cross any decent persons mind that they may want to tell the wife. What is eventually decided may be not to tell them which is fine depending on circumstances but to not even consider it seems unacceptable to me.[/quote]
No, it wouldn’t. I’m a decent person which is why I don’t stick my nose in other people’s business and meddle with things that don’t concern me. It’s the height of arrogance to decide what’s best for other people.