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AIBU?

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Original poster

Mum kicking DS16 out - normal??

245 replies

ThirdTimeUnlucky · 10/09/2020 16:25

Posting here for traffic - regular poster.
My DP and his ex have a DS together. He spends 50% of the time with my DP at his home. This has been a regular thing since they split 5 yrs ago. His ex now has a 4 yr old DD with new partner. Recently DS caused some damage to the home by over-running a bath. Understandably she and partner were initially angry. She asked my DP to have DS full-time, but living on his own and working f/t, couldn't. She then sent him to live with his g/f'(and parents) and this suited DS. He was away 3 weeks. On his return he was told he can't come home. He is going to live 50% with DP as usal and 50% with grandparents.
He is a normal teenager, started college recently, no other 'trouble'.
DS has been told this is temporary but no idea of time scale and she'll still see him/ take him out.
YANBU - to think this is odd. I'd be initially angry at my own DS if he caused damage but wouldn't kick him out and surely 3 weeks is long enough to get over it?
YABU - this is normal?
Just to add, my DP has agreed for me to post this as he doesn't know what to make of the situation.

OP posts:
XingMing · 10/09/2020 19:59

I simply can't imagine how either parent can so easily shrug off responsibility for their child, frankly. I read about it, but think that I wouldn't sell them a dog. They sound more like irresponsible teenagers than adults. Shitty experience for the 16 year old lad, and likely to be bad news for his life.

IseeIsee · 10/09/2020 19:59

You seem to have a very low bar as to how men should behaviour. It is not normal to abandon a 16 year old and both parents have in someway done this. You clearly believe a woman should be heavily reprimanded for this but a man should not.

lyralalala · 10/09/2020 20:00

Not a single person has said that it's normal for a mother to kick out her child.

However, if there are issues at home then the RP should be able to rely on the other parent to step up when needed.

The fact that your ex moved abroad and you wouldn't kick out your child is neither here nor there.

Although it does make it very bizarre that you can't see that your DS has failed his son.

MsKeats · 10/09/2020 20:02

Father needs to have him FT and show the kid he is wanted.

RedRumTheHorse · 10/09/2020 20:02

@vanillandhoney

As the original thread said, I don't think it's natural for a mother to abandon/kick out her child. Tell me I'm wrong? Tell me that is normal

Nobody is going to tell you it's normal - of course it's not. But her bad behaviour doesn't excuse your DP's bad behaviour. His mum let him down massively - that's when his father should have stepped up.

This with bells on it.

Your partner let someone else sort out his son's living arrangements because he can't be bothered to act in a timely manner . And then refuses to compensate those people when his son, who feels unwanted, decided it is better to stick with those reliable non-parental carers.

Oh and I'm being harsh because up until around the mid-2000s I knew plenty of people kicked out by their parents as teenagers. Their parents then wonder why in their old age their children either refuse to help them or have absolutely nothing to do with them.

Oliversmumsarmy · 10/09/2020 20:03

Father needs to have him FT and show the kid he is wanted

I think that ship has sailed

SleepingStandingUp · 10/09/2020 20:03

@ThirdTimeUnlucky

For what it's worth, my STBEXH left the country. He doesn't have my DS at all. As the original thread said, I don't think it's natural for a mother to abandon/kick out her child. Tell me I'm wrong? Tell me that is normal? Leave aside for one moment that his DF will step up. That is not the point of this thread!!
What exactly do you expect op? People saying it's ok to kick your kids out? You know they won't so just want everyone to join in giving the ex a kicking. And I'm sorry you have now picked two men who have questionable parenting skills
Original poster
ThirdTimeUnlucky · 10/09/2020 20:05

@AlwaysLatte - that's what we are aiming for now. So hard when you are in the thick of the situation. My DP always thought he was a good parent, and he is! He was so disgusted with his ex attitude, he hoped to shock her into stepping up, as a mother. Call me old fashioned but I've been brought up with the mother taking ultimate parental responsibility. I'm 53.

OP posts:
Marmite27 · 10/09/2020 20:06

It shouldn’t be normal. We ended up with a friend of my sibling living with us from the time he was 13 to finishing uni at 21 due to an unrelenting hate campaign from their step parent which the resident parent wouldn’t deal with. Their non resident parent worked overseas and didn’t have any contact with the resident parent and the friend daren’t say anything due to fear of reprisal from the step parent.

It all came to ahead after they visited with physical injury marks and my parents called the police. They ended up with a special guardianship order with the consent of the non resident parent, and non attendance of the resident and step parents.

They have kids of their own now, and they call my parents Granny and Grandpa. They don’t have contact with their biological or step families.

MsEllany · 10/09/2020 20:08

If they’re unreasonable to kick him out (they are) then your DP is unreasonable to say he can’t stay with him full time. He’s 16, he doesn’t need supervision - the bath and water damage aside!

I respect my DP and he has always been there for his DS, more so than normal

Except he’s not is he, because when push comes to shove, his son can’t live with him. And you don’t say it’s because he doesn’t have the room.

Your whole thread is just bashing the mum - and it would have worked if you hadn’t said his dad won’t have him either!

CaptainAthena · 10/09/2020 20:10

So you wanted a thread bashing the poor boy's mother, ignoring the fact that his father is equally as shit? Nah. Your wide-eyed disapproval of your boyfriend's ex doesn't make any of you look good to be honest

Pumperthepumper · 10/09/2020 20:11

My DP always thought he was a good parent, and he is

He let his sixteen year old live at his girlfriend’s house for three weeks! What do you think her parents think of your partner? I bet it’s not ‘what a good parent he is’.

Guiltypleasures001 · 10/09/2020 20:11

Op check if she's getting any child benefit for him, and not still claiming when he's not there

lyralalala · 10/09/2020 20:12

Call me old fashioned but I've been brought up with the mother taking ultimate parental responsibility.

And that's why you are excusing your DP's shitty behaviour.

It's bollocks.

XingMing · 10/09/2020 20:12

I've clearly lead a sheltered life. I don't know, and have never known, anyone who completely failed, much less refused outright, to shoulder responsibility for the child they brought into the world. I thought xBIL was a total waste of space for his failure to pay CM, and have been contemptuous of his character ever since. But even he took his DD on holiday, once. When they were nearby, they asked to visit. Niece would have been welcomed, but XBIL... take a hike.

CaptainAthena · 10/09/2020 20:15

Oh and my 16 year old lad has spent the majority of lockdown living with his dad as he has a bigger house, works from home and is as much of a parent as I am. I suppose I'm a shit mother by your "old-fashioned" standards? Our boy is happy and can come to either of us at any time because we both love him and support him 100%. Although that's because I chose a decent man to have children with.

Cocomarine · 10/09/2020 20:17

Your hypocritical shit of a boyfriend has little right to be shocked at his ex Hmm

HE LET HIS SON DOWN

You don’t dump on your child on grandparents half the time to “shame” your ex into taking him back.

What? Leave him knowing that his dad doesn’t want him full time to score points?

And your pathetic attack that the ex has form with her older children just makes it WORSE. Why did he want the shame her into taking him back when she was such an unfit mother, instead of wanting to protect him from that and embracing him full time?

Your standards are very low, @ThirdTimeUnlucky

Tigerty · 10/09/2020 20:18

Poor son. Not normal for the mother to kick him out for an accident of overflowing a bath and not normal for a father to refuse to step up and take him in permanently after having him 50%. As a single working mother of two DCs I‘m horrified at both parents. I do hope his grandparents can give him the support and security he needs.

ReturnofSaturn · 10/09/2020 20:19

Your partner is a shit parent.

XingMing · 10/09/2020 20:21

Failed by both parents. Doesn't give you much hope for the poor abandoned lad's parenting promise does it?

Stompythedinosaur · 10/09/2020 20:26

Does your dp live full time with his stepson while refusing to care for his own son fulltime? That is definitely very unusual.

The poor lad must really feel unwanted.

Thecobwebsarewinning · 10/09/2020 20:40

Sadly it’s only too common for people to do this although IME (psychotherapist working with teens and YAs), it is most common in families where the parents aren’t living together. That doesn’t mean it’s right or reasonable and it’s immensely damaging for the young people involved to not have a safe, secure base that is their undisputed home/territory/safe space to go.

Gingerkittykat · 10/09/2020 20:41

Can I ask if she has just lost tax credits/ Universal credits/ child benefit for the son? Can that be what is motivating her to do this?

CaptainAthena · 10/09/2020 20:42

@Stompythedinosaur

Does your dp live full time with his stepson while refusing to care for his own son fulltime? That is definitely very unusual.

The poor lad must really feel unwanted.

OP says that her boyfriend lives alone so I'm baffled as to why she is even asking on here as it doesn't affect her own living situation. I think it was just planned as a "let's slag off the boyfriend's ex" thread which has backfired (rightfully).
JingsMahBucket · 10/09/2020 20:43

@ThirdTimeUnlucky I’d probably ask @MNHQ to get the thread deleted now because it seems to have served its purpose and is now turning into a step-mother bashing thread by proxy. Good luck with your partner’s son.