Mum kicking DS16 out - normal??

[ThirdTimeUnlucky]

Posting here for traffic - regular poster.
My DP and his ex have a DS together. He spends 50% of the time with my DP at his home. This has been a regular thing since they split 5 yrs ago. His ex now has a 4 yr old DD with new partner. Recently DS caused some damage to the home by over-running a bath. Understandably she and partner were initially angry. She asked my DP to have DS full-time, but living on his own and working f/t, couldn't. She then sent him to live with his g/f'(and parents) and this suited DS. He was away 3 weeks. On his return he was told he can't come home. He is going to live 50% with DP as usal and 50% with grandparents.
He is a normal teenager, started college recently, no other 'trouble'.
DS has been told this is temporary but no idea of time scale and she'll still see him/ take him out.
YANBU - to think this is odd. I'd be initially angry at my own DS if he caused damage but wouldn't kick him out and surely 3 weeks is long enough to get over it?
YABU - this is normal?
Just to add, my DP has agreed for me to post this as he doesn't know what to make of the situation.

@Friendsoftheearth

delicious that is truly terrible, because a 15 year old is just about the hardest age. Poor kid.

He was a friend of one of my boys and used to stay regularly, but I thought nothing of it, as they often had friends sleep over. It was only when chatting to my boy, I discovered he was actually homeless. We got him just in time, as he was starting to take risks and now he has a great job and lives abroad. I’m very proud of him. Of course, daddy dearest now goes around boasting about his son. 🙄

I feel really sorry for this child who has two parents who don't love him enough.

He will be scarred for life

parents are bastards

In the US parents are legally obligated to provide support (housing, food, etc.) until the child reaches age 18.

Sorry op, I realise this is your dp,

Hope you find a solution.
Children caught between parents upsets me, that's all

Your last post doesn't make his Dad sound any better either.

He's only offered his son the choice to live with because a bunch of strangers on mumsnet pointed out he isn't sounding great either. He initially said he can't because he works full time.

There's no way I'd want my son in a home I felt I had to "force" the other one to do their duty. If I thought for one second my child's parent was only tolerating them because I'd forced them to, there is no chance I'd say they can't live with me.

Why does a 16 year old need a parent to be available all day if they are in college all day? If he's at his dads fifty fifty then can't his Dad manage being available the same way he does on his days anyway?

I have a sneaking suspicion that the father doesn’t want him there full time as he likes to live a child free life, with the OP. Part time parenting and freedom to spend time with his girlfriend, while they both feel superior to the boy’s mother. That’s convenient.

Why are you with a man like this? Stop making excuses for his poor parenting. Single mums work full time all the time

Poor kid.

@ThirdTimeUnlucky

OK. Shown DP the comments and he's spoken to DS and asked if he'd like to live with him f/t. DS is actually happy with 50/50. The original thought was that the ex is around during the day so he'd be better off with her and OK, hoping to force the issue of her doing her duty. He's quite happy to 'step up' and his DS knows this. I still think it's massively odd for her to kick him out and I agree that her new DP probably has a lot to do with this. Unfortunately it's the DS that suffers.

That's fine but now your partner needs to pay the grandparents maintenance for having his son 50% of the time.

The grandparents are doing your partner a favour by stepping up when him and his son's mother can't be bothered so now he needs to ensure they are financially compensated.

He also needs to inform the school, SS and GP that the boy is living with them 50% of the time.

Actually re-reading the OP again it's bloody ridiculous your DP didn't take him full-time temporarily when his Mum originally wanted the space from him.

It took the lads girlfriend's parent to step up for 3 weeks?!

Poor boy. Neither of his parents want him. This will likely, rightly, have repercussions for his relationship with his son going forward.

Tbh I don't know many men who have their kids 50/50 - it's the usual every other w/e and maybe a day/night in the week.
The ex has form though. She has 3 older kids who have left home in their teens. She seems to move from one relationship to another and the kids get in the way.
My own DS will be with me for as long as he needs (ASD). I'm from the old school that children need their Mum more but need both parents in an ideal world.

If my DP and his ex were still together, would it be reasonable to kick the son out? I think this is only happening because of an easy 'get out' clause and I fear her new DP has huge influence.

I respect my DP and he has always been there for his DS, more so than normal.

He isn’t there for his son when he needs him most otherwise him moving in there would never have been in doubt. It should have been the default not an after thought because people online pointed out he was as bad.

@ThirdTimeUnlucky

Tbh I don't know many men who have their kids 50/50 - it's the usual every other w/e and maybe a day/night in the week. The ex has form though. She has 3 older kids who have left home in their teens. She seems to move from one relationship to another and the kids get in the way. My own DS will be with me for as long as he needs (ASD). I'm from the old school that children need their Mum more but need both parents in an ideal world.

If my DP and his ex were still together, would it be reasonable to kick the son out? I think this is only happening because of an easy 'get out' clause and I fear her new DP has huge influence.

I respect my DP and he has always been there for his DS, more so than normal.

Sorry, but that's bollocks.

The fact most men have EOW does not make it acceptable that your DP has completely failed to step up for his son when it was needed.

He has not "been there" for his DS when his DS had to sofa surf with his GF for 3 weeks and live with his Grandparents half the time.

The backstory about the boys mother, and your good-Mum spiel, just makes your DP sound worse. You wouldn't dream of letting your DS be palmed off elsewhere but think your DP is a hero for having his son 50% of the time - you need higher standards.

@RedRumTheHorse - that isn't an issue. The ex has always got full benefits, she can deal with it.

I respect my DP and he has always been there for his DS, more so than normal.

Bullshite. He didn’t step in and say, “son, I want you to come live with me. He was happy to let his elderly (I assume) gps take him in. He had to wait until a load of women on the internet got pissed at him to make a half arsed offer. As for the more so than normal.* your bar must be set very low, is you’re impressed by a man half supporting his son. A lot of men like the 50/50 because it means they don’t have to pay support. It’s nothing bro be impressed about. I hope the gos go after both of them for support.

@ThirdTimeUnlucky

Tbh I don't know many men who have their kids 50/50 - it's the usual every other w/e and maybe a day/night in the week. The ex has form though. She has 3 older kids who have left home in their teens. She seems to move from one relationship to another and the kids get in the way. My own DS will be with me for as long as he needs (ASD). I'm from the old school that children need their Mum more but need both parents in an ideal world.

If my DP and his ex were still together, would it be reasonable to kick the son out? I think this is only happening because of an easy 'get out' clause and I fear her new DP has huge influence.

I respect my DP and he has always been there for his DS, more so than normal.

Please don't use other people's questionable parenting to excuse your DPs poor parenting. He was locked out by his Mom and your DH didn't step up and you're ok with that because then you don't have to have him full time either. At least own it

[quote ThirdTimeUnlucky]@RedRumTheHorse - that isn't an issue. The ex has always got full benefits, she can deal with it.[/quote]
Your DP may still owe the Grandparents maintenance

@lyralalala - his DS went to his g/f quite innocently, didn't know he was being 'kicked out'. He found out on his return.
This wasn't a thread about how awful my DP is. It is about how unreasonable it is for a mother to kick her son out over a fairly minor incident. I know I wouldn't.

It was an accident.

His mother and her DP have overreacted imo.

But then again your DO is also a pretty shit parent.

So he lives alone and works FT? So do I.

Oh no hang on - I live with my 16yo DS and work FT.

It's a crap excuse. He needs to step up.

So DS got moved in with his GF without any explanation and thought that was normal? Doesn't say much for his homeless with both parents that he was fine being shipped away.

And you night not have meant this to be able your DP but if you're going to criticise his shit mother then his crap Dad deserves recognising too

@lyralalala - how so, when the ex is still getting everything. Surely it's up to the ex to pay the grandparents???

That boy is going to have a lot of abandonment issues to work through.
Let's hope the he doesn't go the usual route of having children young trying to recreate a family he feels he has lost, only to abandon the mother and children to seeing them a couple of months on the weekend.
Ime it happens less when gp step up so fingers crossed for the lad.

[quote ThirdTimeUnlucky]@lyralalala - his DS went to his g/f quite innocently, didn't know he was being 'kicked out'. He found out on his return.
This wasn't a thread about how awful my DP is. It is about how unreasonable it is for a mother to kick her son out over a fairly minor incident. I know I wouldn't.[/quote]
But it has highlighted the whole situation.

You can’t expect people stand back and say “mum is awful for not stepping up. Dad is a hero for doing the minimum but no extra”

[quote ThirdTimeUnlucky]@RedRumTheHorse - that isn't an issue. The ex has always got full benefits, she can deal with it.[/quote]
No it isn't to leave to his ex.

He is an equal parent to the boy's mother and when she doesn't step up he must.

In this case as he hasn't convinced his son to live with him full-time he needs to compensate his other carers.

[quote ThirdTimeUnlucky]@lyralalala - how so, when the ex is still getting everything. Surely it's up to the ex to pay the grandparents???[/quote]
Your DP is still financially responsible for his son.

50:50 care doesn't automatically mean no maintenance is due (because most 50:50 isn't totally 50:50).