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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

Mum kicking DS16 out - normal??

245 replies

ThirdTimeUnlucky · 10/09/2020 16:25

Posting here for traffic - regular poster.
My DP and his ex have a DS together. He spends 50% of the time with my DP at his home. This has been a regular thing since they split 5 yrs ago. His ex now has a 4 yr old DD with new partner. Recently DS caused some damage to the home by over-running a bath. Understandably she and partner were initially angry. She asked my DP to have DS full-time, but living on his own and working f/t, couldn't. She then sent him to live with his g/f'(and parents) and this suited DS. He was away 3 weeks. On his return he was told he can't come home. He is going to live 50% with DP as usal and 50% with grandparents.
He is a normal teenager, started college recently, no other 'trouble'.
DS has been told this is temporary but no idea of time scale and she'll still see him/ take him out.
YANBU - to think this is odd. I'd be initially angry at my own DS if he caused damage but wouldn't kick him out and surely 3 weeks is long enough to get over it?
YABU - this is normal?
Just to add, my DP has agreed for me to post this as he doesn't know what to make of the situation.

OP posts:

LuaDipa · 11/09/2020 06:05

The mother should not have kicked him out but I don’t believe that the dm should take ultimate responsibility for a child. A child has two parents, and it’s the attitude that kids are the responsibility of the mother alone that allows men to get away with neglecting their children and carrying on without a care in the world while the mothers are left to pick up the pieces financially and emotionally.

Op, your dp may well be ‘better’ than your ex, but better than a shit dad shouldn’t be the standard that we expect from men. There was no reason for your dp not to step up as soon as this situation occurred. I feel very sorry for this poor boy who doesn’t seem to be wanted by either of his parents.

Florencex · 11/09/2020 07:26

[quote ThirdTimeUnlucky]@lyralalala - his DS went to his g/f quite innocently, didn't know he was being 'kicked out'. He found out on his return.
This wasn't a thread about how awful my DP is. It is about how unreasonable it is for a mother to kick her son out over a fairly minor incident. I know I wouldn't.[/quote]
So his mother kicked him out over a small accident, we can all easily agree that is bad if that is the full story. However your DP didn’t want him because he “works full time”, is that really any better? You disclosed the information so you can hardly be surprised that people were shocked by your DP’s woeful parenting too.

You may be surprised to learn that not all relationships break down and there are many men live with their children 100% of the time. Your “D”P is not a hero for doing 50:50, he is probably just not wanting to pay maintenance.

Carrotgirl87 · 11/09/2020 07:32

Eurgh. Your DP wanted to shock her into taking responsibility as a mother.

Maybe - she was trying to do the same by calling him and suggesting he takes the boy full time.

Lockdown, has been awful for so so many families, if they've been at each other for the last few weeks and she's had the brunt of it there's little wonder she wants his dad to give her a break while he lives alone and doesn't have to deal with two kids (at least) no school, under each other's feet, boredom.

You wanting everyone to jump in and kick her right now is what's wrong with so many people in this country.

AgentJohnson · 11/09/2020 07:42

Seriously! He’s 16 FFS! It never entered his Dads head that he could look after his child full time?

OpenlyGayExOlympicFencer · 11/09/2020 07:52

Poor DS, both his parents happier to fob him off elsewhere instead of take responsibility.

MrsCakeTheMedium · 11/09/2020 07:53

LOL at you getting salty because this thread didn't go the way you wanted, OP, where we all slate the mother but your DP is above criticism.

Sunsetdawn · 11/09/2020 08:02

I think this thread has got a bit harsh on OP and partner. Boy's dad has obviously thought it through now if he's willing to step up and offer to have him live with him full time.
I hope it all works out for him (all of you) 16 is a vulnerable age, and maybe dad was worried about not being around as much as would be needed.

pastandpresent · 11/09/2020 08:09

Op, if you see no problem in your dp, it could be your child in the future who may be treated like his 16 years old.

areyoubeingserviced · 11/09/2020 08:41

Op, tell your DP that he is a shit parent and that his son will never forgive him if he doesn’t rectify the situation by taking him in.
If he wants to save the relationship with his son, he should insist that the son live with him. He should tell his son that he always wanted to have him full time but was worried that he ( the son) wouldn’t be happy living with him.
Your dp then needs to step up and be a parent. He can no longer be a bachelor boy for half the week.
Op, sorry to be rude, but I also question your own morals. Why didn’t you encourage your dp to take his son on full time?
You started this thread to bash the poor boy’s useless mother. However, neither you nor your dp coming out of this smelling of roses.

catnoir1 · 11/09/2020 08:46

His mum doesn't want him to live with her full time but neither does his dad? Poor kid

Hedgehog44 · 11/09/2020 09:08

I think DS is saying what he thinks his Dad wants him to say. Poor kid.

CarrotCakeCrumbs · 11/09/2020 09:46

I take back my earlier comment, I clearly misunderstood and your partner didnt ask his son to live with him full time until after he had seen these comments. That is awful, and every comment you have made trying to defend him since has only resulted in making him look even worse.

Both parents have equal responsibility - a mother is not more important than a father that is a ridiculous opinion. Admittedly it is more common for mothers to take on a larger portion of care in the event of a split but that absolutely does not make it right, nor does it excuse poor parenting from the father. It is also definitely your partners responsibility to make sure that the grandparents are being compensated for stepping up - both parents should be paying them because they do not have any parental responsibilities at all and are doing this because they are good people!

lyralalala · 11/09/2020 12:02

@Sunsetdawn

I think this thread has got a bit harsh on OP and partner. Boy's dad has obviously thought it through now if he's willing to step up and offer to have him live with him full time. I hope it all works out for him (all of you) 16 is a vulnerable age, and maybe dad was worried about not being around as much as would be needed.

Thought it through or realised that other people would view his shit parenting in the way most on here did and wanted to not look bad?

Given that it was 30 minutes between the OP's first post and her DP reading the replies, calling his son and having a conversation about it it was hardly a lot of thought or a deep and meaningful conversation...

RedRumTheHorse · 11/09/2020 12:10

@Sunsetdawn we are harsh due to pointing out both parents have equal responsibility for their child? And if one doesn't step up the other should?

Amber0685 · 11/09/2020 12:19

The poor child must feel so unwanted. My mother kicked me out at 18, and built a house with no bedroom for me. Not nice.

MsEllany · 11/09/2020 14:04

@ThirdTimeUnlucky

OMG. I wouldn't want any of you as a mother..

The feeling is mutual.

jessstan2 · 11/09/2020 15:13

Florencex
So his mother kicked him out over a small accident, we can all easily agree that is bad if that is the full story. However your DP didn’t want him because he “works full time”, is that really any better? You disclosed the information so you can hardly be surprised that people were shocked by your DP’s woeful parenting too.
........
I wondered about that because a teenager doesn't need a parent at home all the time. However I imagine the guy panicked a bit and also had to clear it with the op before committing to having his son with him permanently.

It's all happening now and I hope it works out for them.

lyralalala · 12/09/2020 10:41

@jessstan2

Florencex So his mother kicked him out over a small accident, we can all easily agree that is bad if that is the full story. However your DP didn’t want him because he “works full time”, is that really any better? You disclosed the information so you can hardly be surprised that people were shocked by your DP’s woeful parenting too. ........ I wondered about that because a teenager doesn't need a parent at home all the time. However I imagine the guy panicked a bit and also had to clear it with the op before committing to having his son with him permanently.

It's all happening now and I hope it works out for them.

Why would he have to clear it with the op? They don’t live together (not that he should have to clear it if they did right enough)

BilboBercow · 14/09/2020 17:24

Sounds like you have some real deep rooted internalised misogyny op

jessstan2 · 14/09/2020 20:25

lyralalala, I think you are right; I just re read the op and it says, "...at his house", not 'our house', in which case it is his decision alone.

It is right for him to have his son and I doubt a 16 year old will cramp the style of dad and dad's girlfriend too much. I hope it all works out.

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