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AIBU?

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Original poster

Mum kicking DS16 out - normal??

245 replies

ThirdTimeUnlucky · 10/09/2020 16:25

Posting here for traffic - regular poster.
My DP and his ex have a DS together. He spends 50% of the time with my DP at his home. This has been a regular thing since they split 5 yrs ago. His ex now has a 4 yr old DD with new partner. Recently DS caused some damage to the home by over-running a bath. Understandably she and partner were initially angry. She asked my DP to have DS full-time, but living on his own and working f/t, couldn't. She then sent him to live with his g/f'(and parents) and this suited DS. He was away 3 weeks. On his return he was told he can't come home. He is going to live 50% with DP as usal and 50% with grandparents.
He is a normal teenager, started college recently, no other 'trouble'.
DS has been told this is temporary but no idea of time scale and she'll still see him/ take him out.
YANBU - to think this is odd. I'd be initially angry at my own DS if he caused damage but wouldn't kick him out and surely 3 weeks is long enough to get over it?
YABU - this is normal?
Just to add, my DP has agreed for me to post this as he doesn't know what to make of the situation.

OP posts:
RedRumTheHorse · 10/09/2020 19:27

[quote ThirdTimeUnlucky]@lyralalala - how so, when the ex is still getting everything. Surely it's up to the ex to pay the grandparents???[/quote]
Nope.

Your partner needs to sort it out to ensure the grandparents are compensated.

lyralalala · 10/09/2020 19:27

The grandparents could, and should, claim maintenance from both parents. Obviously your DP's will be reduced based on the split.

RedRumTheHorse · 10/09/2020 19:28

@lyralalala sorry I see you are agreeing with me.

Redannie118 · 10/09/2020 19:28

Err you dont know many men who have more than 50/50? My DH started 50/50 but when it was clear her mum wasnt bothered and DSD asked to come live with us, she did. And she was only 12 at the time. She saw her mum a couple of weekends a month. Shes at Uni now and 20 but it still works that way.

itsgettingweird · 10/09/2020 19:28

He needs to tell his son he's living with him FT as he's the dad.

Then stop any maintenance payments to anyone.

Tell him to stop fart arsing around with a half baked attempt at stepping up and take charge. This is a 16yo lad who is going into adulthood and these years are important in making him feel secure and loved.

Pumperthepumper · 10/09/2020 19:29

The ex has form though. She has 3 older kids who have left home in their teens. She seems to move from one relationship to another and the kids get in the way.

Yet your partner still impregnated her for the fourth time? Then had to be persuaded to have his son when he had nowhere else to go?

What an absolute prince.

timetest · 10/09/2020 19:31

Neither parent has covered themselves in glory here. The GF’s family have been stars.

supersonicginandtonic · 10/09/2020 19:32

Poor kid so not only does his mum not want him, his dad can't be arsed with him full time.
Him not having him as he lives alone and works full time is completely ridiculous. He's 16, he can be left alone. I was left for 2 weeks at that age when my parents went away.
I'm sorry but I think you're partner is just as bad as the mother.

lyralalala · 10/09/2020 19:33

[quote ThirdTimeUnlucky]@lyralalala - his DS went to his g/f quite innocently, didn't know he was being 'kicked out'. He found out on his return.
This wasn't a thread about how awful my DP is. It is about how unreasonable it is for a mother to kick her son out over a fairly minor incident. I know I wouldn't.[/quote]
Yes, we can all see what it was. It was a chance for you to a have a snide pop at the boy's mother.

That doesn't excuse the fact that your DP has not stepped up for his son in the way a parent should until this thread pointed it out to him.

He shouldn't have needed it pointed out. And certainly not by strangers.

vanillandhoney · 10/09/2020 19:33

Tbh I don't know many men who have their kids 50/50 - it's the usual every other w/e and maybe a day/night in the week.

So because some other men can't be arsed with their kids, it's okay for your DP not to be arsed too?

Scarlettpixie · 10/09/2020 19:33

No it isn’t normal to kick a 16 yo out. It mostly seems to happen when parents are separated and the other parent can step in.
I am sure why living alone and working full time is an barrier to your DP having his son full time. Loads of single parents live full time with their child and work full time as I do with my 13 yo! Your DP should have stepped in straight away to make his son welcome. Poor lad.

LolaSkoda · 10/09/2020 19:35

OP - Your comment about how you would treat your own child says a lot about who you are as a person. Seemingly kind.

I was kicked out at the same age. It hurts that no one wanted or care enough to make sure I was safe etc. At first I thought it was great - no rules etc so I suspect the boy is probably in a similar phase.

Perhaps you could be that person for him? The person who sits him down and says whatever has happened is shitty, but me and your Dad are here to help you.

Please be that person for him. It doesn’t matter that you’re not his blood. You’re a human and a mother, help in any way you can?

RedRumTheHorse · 10/09/2020 19:37

I suspect the OP won't show her partner the rest of the thread because he doesn't think it his duty to parent his kid or compensate those who are his kid's non-parental carers. (Children finding out that their parents paid their carers maintenance makes them feel less unwanted but it's better if the child lives with them.)

I don't know why the OP thinks that no father gas their child more than 50% of the time. I've met plenty of people who lived with only their father and one of my own brothers' decided he would rather live with my dad so did.

Original poster
ThirdTimeUnlucky · 10/09/2020 19:39

I totally get it. I'm an outsider looking in. It isn't how I would behave. I have far more shit to put up with when it comes to ex's.
However, as a mother, I wouldn't kick my son out.
That is my question - is it normal?
Yes DP has (in the past) and will step up. It was a shock to him. He's always been there but has a volatile relationship with ex. which can cloud things. Doesn't mean he's a bad person.

OP posts:
Paperthin · 10/09/2020 19:41

Sad story.
To answer your question his mum is being unreasonable. I can’t get my head around telling your child to leave , I just can’t. On the other hand I can understand why you are with a man who also cannot step up and parent his child, and only offered after randoms on the internet suggested it might be a good idea. The poor lad must feel very unloved, and at such a tricky age, I would be really worried about how this will affect him moving forward.

Original poster
ThirdTimeUnlucky · 10/09/2020 19:43

@LolaSkoda - yes, that brings tears to my eyes as that is what I think.

OP posts:
vanillandhoney · 10/09/2020 19:43

However, as a mother, I wouldn't kick my son out. That is my question - is it normal?

No, common sense should tell you that.

It's also not normal for your DP to not want his child full-time when given the opportunity. Why would you want to foist your child on grandparents?

SleepingStandingUp · 10/09/2020 19:43

@ThirdTimeUnlucky

I totally get it. I'm an outsider looking in. It isn't how I would behave. I have far more shit to put up with when it comes to ex's. However, as a mother, I wouldn't kick my son out. That is my question - is it normal? Yes DP has (in the past) and will step up. It was a shock to him. He's always been there but has a volatile relationship with ex. which can cloud things. Doesn't mean he's a bad person.
His volatile relationship with the ex should not stop him being a decent parent to his kid.

Is it unreasonable for a parent to kick their kids out at 16 over a mistake? Yes.

Is it u for a parent to not step up and offer a full time home to their 16 yo if the other parent won't? Yes.

lyralalala · 10/09/2020 19:49

@ThirdTimeUnlucky

I totally get it. I'm an outsider looking in. It isn't how I would behave. I have far more shit to put up with when it comes to ex's. However, as a mother, I wouldn't kick my son out. That is my question - is it normal? Yes DP has (in the past) and will step up. It was a shock to him. He's always been there but has a volatile relationship with ex. which can cloud things. Doesn't mean he's a bad person.
His volatile relationship with the ex makes it even worse that he hasn't stepped up. He knows what she's like.

If it was a shock to him imagine how much of a shock it would be to a 16yo - not only was he kicked out, but his Dad didn't step up and say "You're coming with me".

Of course it's not normal, but it is normal for children who don't live with their mother to live with their father. So instead of focussing on the ex you should be focussing on your DP

Original poster
ThirdTimeUnlucky · 10/09/2020 19:52

For what it's worth, my STBEXH left the country. He doesn't have my DS at all.
As the original thread said, I don't think it's natural for a mother to abandon/kick out her child.
Tell me I'm wrong? Tell me that is normal? Leave aside for one moment that his DF will step up. That is not the point of this thread!!

OP posts:
Sirzy · 10/09/2020 19:53

The more you post trying to convince everyone your partner is a saint the more it just seems your burying your head in the sand about what he really is like.

vanillandhoney · 10/09/2020 19:54

As the original thread said, I don't think it's natural for a mother to abandon/kick out her child. Tell me I'm wrong? Tell me that is normal

Nobody is going to tell you it's normal - of course it's not. But her bad behaviour doesn't excuse your DP's bad behaviour. His mum let him down massively - that's when his father should have stepped up.

Original poster
ThirdTimeUnlucky · 10/09/2020 19:56

@Sirzy - he's not a saint. Never said he was.
Really, are you female? Do you think that is normal?

OP posts:
AlwaysLatte · 10/09/2020 19:57

Poor kid, I really feel sorry for him. Can your partner not take control here and get him to move in full time? Sounds like he feels he needs to belong somewhere properly. His mum sounds horrendous 😢

Sirzy · 10/09/2020 19:58

Nobody has said what she has done is normal.

But a father refusing to look after his own child isn’t normal either.