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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Mum kicking DS16 out - normal??

245 replies

ThirdTimeUnlucky · 10/09/2020 16:25

Posting here for traffic - regular poster.
My DP and his ex have a DS together. He spends 50% of the time with my DP at his home. This has been a regular thing since they split 5 yrs ago. His ex now has a 4 yr old DD with new partner. Recently DS caused some damage to the home by over-running a bath. Understandably she and partner were initially angry. She asked my DP to have DS full-time, but living on his own and working f/t, couldn't. She then sent him to live with his g/f'(and parents) and this suited DS. He was away 3 weeks. On his return he was told he can't come home. He is going to live 50% with DP as usal and 50% with grandparents.
He is a normal teenager, started college recently, no other 'trouble'.
DS has been told this is temporary but no idea of time scale and she'll still see him/ take him out.
YANBU - to think this is odd. I'd be initially angry at my own DS if he caused damage but wouldn't kick him out and surely 3 weeks is long enough to get over it?
YABU - this is normal?
Just to add, my DP has agreed for me to post this as he doesn't know what to make of the situation.

OP posts:
Abhannmor · 10/09/2020 17:21

@Aquamarine1029

What a horrible mum. I'd bet her new partner has a lot to do with this, as well.
That's very probable imo
billy1966 · 10/09/2020 17:22

Not normal at at all.
Poor fellow.
Very hard to understand when it was stupidity rather than deliberate.

He's very lucky to have grandparents willing to step in.

Shame on his mother for wanting to start fresh with out the inconvenience of her son.🙄

oakleaffy · 10/09/2020 17:22

@eatsleepread

We're going to end up with future generations of fucked up adults, who've come from broken homes, followed by unfavourable set-ups.
So, so true. A stable home with two loving parents is like a keel to a yacht, or Ballast to a steamer..Sets the child up for life.

Being effectively 'Abandoned' does untold damage to a young person.

No wonder there are so many gangs and troubled teens about...Boys need decent role models...preferably male. ..preferably their dads.

ButterflyBitch · 10/09/2020 17:24

My mum kicked my sister out when she was 16. My mum says it was only supposed to be temporary but my sis never came back.
They still don’t have a brilliant relationship, my sister has very little time for her unsurprisingly.
I don’t understand how you could kick a child out of their home, especially for something that daft. Not good that your partner said he couldn’t have him either. He’s 16, perfectly fine to be at home while his dads at work Hmm

topcat2014 · 10/09/2020 17:25

I judge both parents very harshly on this

ArranBound · 10/09/2020 17:33

If the DS is still fits the eligibility rules, your partner should apply for child benefit. As he won't be resident with his mother at all, she shouldn't be able to claim anything for him.

I would have been devastated to know my mother didn't want me in the house at 16. I hope he's taking it well.

tribpot · 10/09/2020 17:33

hoping to force the issue of her doing her duty.
No. Your DP needs to step up and do what is best for his DS, which is to remove him from this situation and give him a single home to live in, rather than shuttle between his dad and grandparents.

oakleaffy · 10/09/2020 17:35

@Hailtomyteeth

Very common where mother has started a new family. Seen it many times. Older-l child does not fit the image.
Plain wicked. Sadly I have, too. Do these women not love their sons/daughters?

Usurped by a new baby and a new man 🤮

diddl · 10/09/2020 17:37

Op, are you not just disgusted with your partner for not instantly offering his son a home?

My best friend has done more for me than either of these two "parents" seem to be willing to do for their own son!

Sirzy · 10/09/2020 17:38

@ArranBound

If the DS is still fits the eligibility rules, your partner should apply for child benefit. As he won't be resident with his mother at all, she shouldn't be able to claim anything for him.

I would have been devastated to know my mother didn't want me in the house at 16. I hope he's taking it well.

Anything that can be claimed should go to the grandparents who have stepped up to provide him a home!
RiftGibbon · 10/09/2020 17:39

Similar happened to someone I know. From age 15 her mother would frequently remind her that at 16, she was expecting her to move out. By 16 she felt so unwelcome she did move out.

HandfulofDust · 10/09/2020 17:40

It was an accident. Poor kid to be thrown out of home for a simple mistake, he must feel so rejected. If I was your DP I'd take him in full time. At 16 surely he doesn't need much supervision.

BBCONEANDTWO · 10/09/2020 17:40

Feel so sorry for the boy - but there might be a lot more to it than the bath.

I think your husband should take him FT - why can't he? He's 16 so could let himself in from school??

Boatonthehorizon · 10/09/2020 17:41

It's awful.
He's a child (however tall) and the mother has abandoned her child for her new man.
Thank god he's got his dad and grandparents.
This is, otherwise, how kids end up homeless.

knittingaddict · 10/09/2020 17:42

No wonder there are so many gangs and troubled teens about...Boys need decent role models...preferably male. ..preferably their dads.

Not entirely sure what you are trying to say here oakleaffy, but what if the man in question is an abusive arsehole? Preferable for who? In my opinion family courts are too quick to include damaging men in their children's lives. They may not hit them, but they sure fuck them up.

PlanDeRaccordement · 10/09/2020 17:42

Not normal, but neither is the DS not living with dad 100% of the time either. Your DP needs to step up and provide a home. Unless there is some additional issue with having to change college in the middle of A levels or something that is driving 50% stay with grandparents.

MomToTwoBabas · 10/09/2020 17:45

Oh that's kind of him to offer to house his own son just because we said he's a dick. What an utter dick.......

CarrotCakeCrumbs · 10/09/2020 17:46

I would be willing to bet alot of money that the new partner has alot to do with it....not that it excuses the poor excuse of a mother who would kick her child out for an accident! Angry. My step-dad used to refuse to allow me to shower more than once a week as a teenager because it cost money (among many other ridiculous restrictions). My mother allowed it. I no longer speak to them. However you can't change their mind, all you can do is be there for your step-son and make sure he knows that he can ALWAYS rely on you and his father.

Some people don't deserve children.

UsernameNotValid · 10/09/2020 17:47

Agree with those who've said you don't know the full story with Mum.

I was absolutely AWFUL at 15/16 and looking back my Mum was right to ask me to leave (2002 so not exactly long ago!) as it made her and my younger brothers life miserable.

Obviously at the time it was all her and I was hard done by but now I have kids I totally get it, tbh it was the best thing she ever did for me. I was a spoilt brat and ended up having no choice but to face up to reality and sort myself out and we are a stronger family now so it doesn't have to end up a disaster...

With that said your partner's excuse is a total cop out, sounds like someone needs to "force him to do his duty" too rather than focussing it all on the Mother.

SonjaMorgan · 10/09/2020 17:47

Even if my DC caused intentional damage there is no way I would kick them out at 16. I was in a similar situation at that age (but without GP or another parent) and it financially ruined me. I had to give up college to pay rent and still couldn't make it work with the piss poor min age at 16.

lyralalala · 10/09/2020 17:48

@ArranBound

If the DS is still fits the eligibility rules, your partner should apply for child benefit. As he won't be resident with his mother at all, she shouldn't be able to claim anything for him.

I would have been devastated to know my mother didn't want me in the house at 16. I hope he's taking it well.

The grandparents should apply for child benefit and claim maintenance from both parents.

(50:50 doesn't necessarily mean no maintenance - and it shouldn't when you delegate 50% of your child's care to their grandparent because you are too busy working)

MitziK · 10/09/2020 17:49

So, your DP thinks his ex should do her 'duty', but only as long as he doesn't have to trouble himself any more than he does already?

Not surprised the kid wants to stay at his GPs. It's clear his father's response was 'Well, I don't want him that much either'.

CarrotCakeCrumbs · 10/09/2020 17:51

Also I know the OP doesn't say the reason but not living with dad f/t could be due to being too far away from friends/having to change schools/still wanting a relationship with his mum - you often feel a very strong sense of loyalty to parents even if you don't get on well/also having a very close relationship with grandparents etc. She did say that her husband had suggested it though and that her step-son is the one who turned it down.

DeliciouslyFemale · 10/09/2020 17:52

@ThirdTimeUnlucky

OK. Shown DP the comments and he's spoken to DS and asked if he'd like to live with him f/t. DS is actually happy with 50/50. The original thought was that the ex is around during the day so he'd be better off with her and OK, hoping to force the issue of her doing her duty. He's quite happy to 'step up' and his DS knows this. I still think it's massively odd for her to kick him out and I agree that her new DP probably has a lot to do with this. Unfortunately it's the DS that suffers.
Nope. Your partner is still in the wrong too. The young lad already knows that his father is only offering because he feels obliged, whereas his gps have probably made him feel welcome. There’s a big difference in his father asking his son if he wants to live with him and his father telling him that he (the father) wants his son to live with him. The child isn’t stupid. Poor kid.
DidoAtTheLido · 10/09/2020 17:53

It's more than 'odd' - it's downright cruel.

Anyone can have an accident like over-running a bath. That's what insurance is for.

New cub in the nest and the new male is ousting the young male upstart.

Poor boy.

He's 16 - presumably he is out at school / college during the day?

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