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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Mum kicking DS16 out - normal??

245 replies

ThirdTimeUnlucky · 10/09/2020 16:25

Posting here for traffic - regular poster.
My DP and his ex have a DS together. He spends 50% of the time with my DP at his home. This has been a regular thing since they split 5 yrs ago. His ex now has a 4 yr old DD with new partner. Recently DS caused some damage to the home by over-running a bath. Understandably she and partner were initially angry. She asked my DP to have DS full-time, but living on his own and working f/t, couldn't. She then sent him to live with his g/f'(and parents) and this suited DS. He was away 3 weeks. On his return he was told he can't come home. He is going to live 50% with DP as usal and 50% with grandparents.
He is a normal teenager, started college recently, no other 'trouble'.
DS has been told this is temporary but no idea of time scale and she'll still see him/ take him out.
YANBU - to think this is odd. I'd be initially angry at my own DS if he caused damage but wouldn't kick him out and surely 3 weeks is long enough to get over it?
YABU - this is normal?
Just to add, my DP has agreed for me to post this as he doesn't know what to make of the situation.

OP posts:
unmarkedbythat · 10/09/2020 16:56

No, of course this isn't bloody normal. He has two parents and neither will are housing and caring for him, this is a shit situation all round.

movingonup20 · 10/09/2020 16:57

It's far from normal, parents have responsibility until 18. I don't understand why he can't live with his dad full time, it's not like he needs childcare. Poor kid, neither parent really wants him it seems

Nicetableinnit · 10/09/2020 16:57

Partner doesn't want him. Is the mum okay? Is the partner behind tis, coersive control etc?

AnneofbigCleeveage · 10/09/2020 16:57

Not sure what has gone on but he should go to his Dads. Dad will have to organise himself now to accommodate son. I have 2 grown sons and they can be hard work at times. That said, their Dad always avail to pick up the slack.

PaquitaVariation · 10/09/2020 16:57

No, not normal but his dad is being unreasonable too not to have him. He doesn’t need babysitting.

nitsandwormsdodger · 10/09/2020 16:57

More to this story I think
Is new b/f controlling and put pressure of your partners ex to get rid of "troublesome teen"
Poor kid u less their is some undisclosed safeguarding issue like teen abuse towards 4 year old or drugs I can't imagine why she has done this
Don't know why your bf can't take his son in?

lyralalala · 10/09/2020 16:58

@ThirdTimeUnlucky

OK. Shown DP the comments and he's spoken to DS and asked if he'd like to live with him f/t. DS is actually happy with 50/50. The original thought was that the ex is around during the day so he'd be better off with her and OK, hoping to force the issue of her doing her duty. He's quite happy to 'step up' and his DS knows this. I still think it's massively odd for her to kick him out and I agree that her new DP probably has a lot to do with this. Unfortunately it's the DS that suffers.
During the day his DS will be at school so that doesn't make any sense.

If the grandparents were the only ones who actually said "come to us" it's not surprise the lad wants to stay there as he knows he's actually wanted there.

Stompythedinosaur · 10/09/2020 16:58

Terrible behaviour from his mum, but how can his dad refuse to care for his child full time when he knows he has been abandoned by his other parent?

He is being hugely let down by them both.

Batshitbeautycosmeticsltd · 10/09/2020 16:58

Why the fuck is your 'D'P not having him to live with him FT? Why do you want to be with a man who's such a shit parent? What an arsehole, because he lives on his own and works FT he can't have his own 16-year-old son?

BiBabbles · 10/09/2020 17:02

It is an odd reaction to overrunning the bath (as is his father's reaction), but the kicking out is sadly not that rare. It's difficult to enforce parental responsibility for teenage children, for authorities with limited resources, teens often get pushed to the bottom of the list & too often are just expected to cope and get on with it.

ThumbWitchesAbroad · 10/09/2020 17:03

No, that's not normal - sounds like the mum and the new partner just want him out the way so they can focus on the 4yo without him there :(

I didn't understand at all why your DP couldn't have him full time but I see that's more the boy's choice - but still, there's no real reason why he can't live full time with his dad at 16, that's well old enough to be able to look after himself part of the time while his Dad's at work!

Poor kid though.

jessstan2 · 10/09/2020 17:06

@Whenwillow

It doesn't sound like deliberate damage to me. Poor kid! I think his mother and her partner are being vile. I wonder if it's just an excuse to get rid of him and play happy families with the little one only. 16 sounds grown up but it's so young still!
I think so too. I realise we don't know all of it but even so, kicking a school kid out is very harsh.

He must be very hurt. Hopefully he will feel loved and secure with the the op and his dad, and grandparents. Poor lad.

diavlo · 10/09/2020 17:07

Poor kid. I don’t think I could stay with someone who didn’t immediately take their dc in full time in this situation. Absolutely appalling parenting on other sides!

Jenasaurus · 10/09/2020 17:07

My EX kicked our DS when he was 16 for borrowing his trainers, he then said he was joking, but my DS was scared and he definitely wasn't joking, my DS rang me at work really upset, and I came home and he wouldn't budge, said he had to leave, it was the start of the end of our 28 year relationship, I took all 3 DC and moved to my parents, since sold up and got a house but it was the straw that broke the camels back, he was OTT with punishments to the DC. 16 is far too young to be kicked out, especially for something that was an accident. What is weird with my Ex kicking out our DS is that we had previously taken in a 16 year old friend of my DS when her parents kicked her out, and my Ex was OK with that.

knittingaddict · 10/09/2020 17:08

So op, in the 30 minutes between posting your first and second post your dp has read the replies, seen sense, talked to his son, had a decent conversation about what is for the best and son has said that he doesn't want to live full time with him. That's fast work. I knew MN was good, but wow.

BernadetteRostankowskiWolowitz · 10/09/2020 17:08

She asked my DP to have DS full-time, but living on his own and working f/t, couldn't

I didn't even read past this. Absoloutley inexcusable.

vanillandhoney · 10/09/2020 17:08

@ThirdTimeUnlucky

OK. Shown DP the comments and he's spoken to DS and asked if he'd like to live with him f/t. DS is actually happy with 50/50. The original thought was that the ex is around during the day so he'd be better off with her and OK, hoping to force the issue of her doing her duty. He's quite happy to 'step up' and his DS knows this. I still think it's massively odd for her to kick him out and I agree that her new DP probably has a lot to do with this. Unfortunately it's the DS that suffers.
Probably because your DP made it quite clear originally that he didn't want him full-time. Why on earth was 50/50 with grandparents the original starting point? Your partner should have immediately had his child full-time, surely? That's just being a parent. His mum has let him down and now his dad has done the same thing.

Are the grandparents happy to suddenly have 50% care of a teenage boy, anyway? That's a huge responsibility to suddenly have foisted on them.

You're right, it is DS who suffers because it appears that neither of his parents want him.

Cocomarine · 10/09/2020 17:09

Who knows on the mum’s side. There are some pretty shit parents out there. There are also ones who recognise a problem situation and resolve it well with the advantage of two homes.

You boyfriend on the other hand?
Not a great father.
Of all the times to tell his son he doesn’t care about him enough to give him a single, stable home? That would be right after mum kicks him out. What on EARTH was your boyfriend doing even entertaining his 16yo son moving in with his girlfriend’s parents? Confused

Mum sounds shit but could go either way as we don’t know the details.
Dad sounds shit and you do have the details.

My stepsons lived full time with their dad after their mum died - wonder how on Earth he managed that? Confused

Can’t believe you have enough respect left for your boyfriend, for him to still be your boyfriend!!

eatsleepread · 10/09/2020 17:09

We're going to end up with future generations of fucked up adults, who've come from broken homes, followed by unfavourable set-ups.

SavingShoes · 10/09/2020 17:11

16 and 17 really is that limbo age. Can't apply for housing but can be a parent. Need a job but has little experience. How anyone can throw someone out that they birthed and/or brought up is beyond me.
Shows it was all about the money/benefits I would assume.

Enoughnowstop · 10/09/2020 17:11

Presumably you only have the son’s story? So you can’t be sure it wasn’t deliberate and/or you don’t know what might have been lost as a result of the damage. Mum may be struggling to get past her anger.

And I’m sorry, but your shite about ‘what kind of mother’ when your partner can’t have his child full time because of work. Really? I have brought up 3 children from the age of 5 and under whilst working full time, no input from the ex whatsoever. What kind of father won’t but a roof over his child’s head because he works?

Cocomarine · 10/09/2020 17:11

Funny how when everyone is rightly shocked at your boyfriend’s non-dealing with this, suddenly he did offer to have him full time. Hmm

Even if that’s true (and I’m cynical) you don’t ASK a child, you tell them, that they’re living with you full time in their other home now. What good father wouldn’t jump at the chance to have their child more?

oakleaffy · 10/09/2020 17:14

@ThirdTimeUnlucky
That poor poor boy.....
Overflowing a bath by accident is hardly a crime...

I'd have him at yours.

I bet that awful 'mother' is under the thrall of her new 'bloke'.

Talk about him feeling unwanted....It could seriously damage him emotionally, to be thought of 'Not Welcomed'. Poor Lad.

Enoughnowstop · 10/09/2020 17:14

Shows it was all about the money/benefits I would assume

Why? He reeked havoc in his home - maybe on purpose. He’s hardly going to admit that to his dad’s girlfriend, is he? Who knows what trouble he has caused?

And even if the OP is in possession of the full facts, nothing she has suggested says anything at all about benefits. Do you stereotype all single mothers as benefit grabbing scum?

cakeandchampagne · 10/09/2020 17:18

How very sad for this young man.
It seems nobody really wants him in a way that creates a firm emotional foundation.