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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To ask is it weird if you never masturbate?

263 replies

Rainbowb · 09/09/2020 23:18

I vaguely remember doing it in my teens but never have since. I’ve just been watching I hate Suzie and she does quite a lot of it and it’s kind of reminded me that I never do it but everyone else probably does. I’ve just never felt the desire to. It feels a bit gross and stupid and I would feel totally ridiculous even attempting it.

Just so as not to drip feed, I’ve been with the same guy since I was 18 (now in my forties) and I’ve always had a low sex drive especially since having a baby and a third degree tear. I do fancy men and think about them in that way but just can’t do what other people do, it’s just...icky.

Putting myself out on a limb here, just want to know what it means - am I asexual or a prude or what?!

OP posts:
daisyjgrey · 10/09/2020 14:40

Masturbating would give me a "high" for 5 minutes or so, but wouldn't have achieved anything purposeful from doing it. It would be different with sex, as I'd be bonding with my partner but what's the point in masturbating really?

That's the most depressing thing I've read all day.

daisyjgrey · 10/09/2020 14:42

I think a great thing about masturbating is that you get to choose whether you want to or not - unlike relationship sex (that sounds wrong but you get what I mean, sexual chores).

Oh, no, I stand corrected. This is.

RememberBlazinSquad · 10/09/2020 14:49

Ok BlazingSquad that makes sense. Perhaps your habits would change if you weren't having regular sex? I don't know, some people maybe don't feel a need to

Possible, yes. I'm not too sure as DH and I have been together most of our adult lives and the times where we've not had sex for a while (after births etc) it's been the intimacy and closeness I've missed more than a physical release. But I very much enjoy and indulge in the physical side when we do have sex. Just not really in the rest of my life. So I'm not sure!

TheGoogleMum · 10/09/2020 14:50

I dont masterbate. I did a bit as a teenager. I am married and if I get urges he is happy to comply! The sex is satisfying and I am not left wanting. My sex drive isn't that high though.

CharityRoyall · 10/09/2020 15:03

I used to masturbate all the time as a teenager! I’ve been in a relationship for the past decade with similarly mid-high sex drives which is very satisfying so I rarely get the urge. If I do it’s usually to help with sleeping or just when I’m bored rather than as a huge thought out process if that makes sense. I think it’s fine to not do it, it’s just a shame to see some of the words you associate with it!

NoHands · 10/09/2020 15:15

@Stripesgalore

I’m referring only to you not understanding that some women’s experience is not knowing women could orgasm or masturbate, even though they have said so on the thread, and are not talking about the distant past, no hands.

You knowing that women do orgasm puts in you in the majority, not the minority.

I may be wrong, and I'm too lazy to go back and read this thread now that it's 7 pages long, but I don't believe anybody said that except me? And I said it was in the past.

But even if so, of course I understand that it's possible for a woman not to know that women can orgasm or masturbate! I was one of those women, up to a decade or two ago! So of course I can understand that -- though tbh, these days you really must live under a rock not to know that! Grin

Stripesgalore · 10/09/2020 15:24

‘I'm too lazy to go back and read this thread now that it's 7 pages long.’

Me too. Either way, your point that throwing yourself around in an orgasmic high like in some Hollywood film shouldn’t be held up as an ideal is an important one.

DameHannahRelf · 10/09/2020 15:43

"I used to use a vibrator but I found it desensitised me to sex with my husband so I stopped using it."

I used to use mine during sex sometimes, especially if I was lying on my side with ex dp spooning (or rather forking?) me. It made me orgasm, and really turned my ex on so win win (and I'd run it over his balls, and that sensitive spot just under now and again, which would make him explode. Sorry if that's tmi).

SuperlativeScrubs · 10/09/2020 16:44

I know this isn't about the direct topic of masturbation but I saw this clip earlier and thought it might help you OP, if not others on here. It can at least be applied to your issues with masturbation or, actually, many kinds of sexual issues. God I wish we had this series when I was at school.

I, for one, love masturbation as much as I love sex. I get some others don't and it is totally normal.

JaffaJaffJaffpussycatpuss · 10/09/2020 17:00

@SylvanianFrenemies

Each to their own... but "gross", "icky", "stupid", "ridiculous"? Perhaps your attitude to sex is dampening your drive.
Exactly. I failed to masturbate until my mid 20s out if shame and it's still hard to do that due to an abusive past and a narcissistic mother. Change the narrative and you might think differently. However, of course there's no shame in not wanting to masturbate.
MissConductUS · 10/09/2020 17:18

Sex LIKE rabbits, not WITH!!!! grin

Sex with a rabbit is not so uncommon. Grin

www.amazon.com/Stimulation-PALOQUETH-Waterproof-Stimulator-Rechargeable/dp/B07CT9N2DP?tag=mumsnetforu03-21

ANC4this · 10/09/2020 17:26

I expect that a lot (most?) women don't orgasm ever time they have sex. Sex with someone you love can be amazing for feeling close, bonding, etc. even without an orgasm (at least it is for me).

Sex with someone you love, and adding an orgasm is much much better for me (even as I said it does not always happen). And for DH too.

I'd certainly think women who've never had on orgasm, are also very likely to have never masturbated.

Based on mumsnet there are many people (both men and women) with little/no interest in sex. Of course that's no problem, unless you are in a mismatched libido relationship.... then it becomes a BIG issue.

Stripesgalore · 10/09/2020 17:30

I would have assumed most women orgasm every time with their partner but not as a consequence of penetrative sex.

I think of penetrative sex as what you do after the woman’s already had her first orgasm.

PremierInn · 10/09/2020 17:39

@Stripesgalore

I would have assumed most women orgasm every time with their partner but not as a consequence of penetrative sex.

I think of penetrative sex as what you do after the woman’s already had her first orgasm.

Sadly you would be very very very wrong with that assumption. The stats are pretty awful. Something like 95% of men orgasm during sex with women but only 65% of women having sex with men orgasm during sex. Women are much better off with female lovers - it's about 85% I think.

I think of penetrative sex that way as well. It's my personal preference and it also ensures no orgasm gap in my encounters Grin. Men are more motivated!

Stripesgalore · 10/09/2020 17:47

65% would still be most women, but maybe they are not orgasming every time! And yes, motivation! Grin

RedPanda17 · 10/09/2020 17:51

It's obviously up to you whether you do it or not, I love sex and masturbating as well. I often have a danger wank before DP gets home from work. Since working from home I sometimes spend my lunch break scratching the DJ matt. Makes me sleepy though

Russellbrandshair · 10/09/2020 18:02

But - as an individual - OP is still allowed to say "speaking for myself, I find the idea of me sitting down and masturbating a bit icky - I just don't want to do that." And no-one should prude-shame her for doing so

OP said: "I just can’t do what other people do, it’s just...icky"- I dont see how you can read that any other way than- what "other people do" is "icky". Why use such immature words to describe it? Its like me saying, "I couldn't be a lesbian- its icky and gross!". Thats really offensive. You can say you prefer not to do something without labelling it icky stupid or gross for goodness sake. I also dont see anyone "pride shaming" her- she asked if people masterbate and if that was normal and lots of people said yes they do.

I'm sorry but the only person I can see using shaming words here is the OP!

Angrymum22 · 10/09/2020 18:03

I think never having an orgasm would be like never riding a roller coaster or any adrenaline ride at a theme park. Once you have experienced an orgasm ( whether through sex or masturbation) and you enjoy the experience you want to do it over and over again.
Masturbation has been part of my life since early teens. Mutual masturbation features heavily in DH and my sex life.
I do wonder if women with low libido have undiagnosed hormone problems though. I have a prolactinoma which was diagnosed in my early 20s one of the symptoms is zero sex drive. I take medication to correct the hormone levels. The meds do have side effects so I have taken them intermittently over the years. DH can accurately diagnose my increasing prolactin levels by my increasing lack of interest in sex. I thought my recent loss of libido was due to menopause over the last couple of years, but no, my prolactin was very high (alongside menopause). I went back on the meds and we are back in business at least twice a week again, with masturbation if either is too tired.
Apparently prolactinomas are underdiagnosed in women because they mimic early menopause. Few women are tested for elevated prolactin and because it causes levels of estrogen and progesterone to fall, GPs diagnose perimenopause.

AliceAbsolum · 10/09/2020 18:13

@daisyjgrey

I think a great thing about masturbating is that you get to choose whether you want to or not - unlike relationship sex (that sounds wrong but you get what I mean, sexual chores).

Oh, no, I stand corrected. This is.

Horrendous :(
MargieMo · 10/09/2020 18:28

Masturbation is something that I've never really spoken to my friends, or even my DH much for that matter. I assume that most people do, but a minority do not (wide variety of reasons from medical, low sex drive, religion, already sex enough in relationship, religion, shame, etc. etc etc).

If you've don't orgasm then it would seem there is no point to masturbate (but it you never masturbated then you're unlike to have discovered to orgasm). Chicken and egg situation.

Being married to someone that never had an orgasm must be really strange though (the @NoHands post). I wonder did her DH know that? I imagine that would have negative effect on many male egos?

MargieMo · 10/09/2020 18:30

i.e., can't imagine a guy down in pub telling his mates that his wife never had an orgasm :)

DontTouchTheMoustache · 10/09/2020 18:36

I've been single for a while and I have quite a large selection of vibrators which I use frequently, sometimes several times a day. I am starting to think reading this that I may have quite a high sex drive.

PoloNeckKnickers · 10/09/2020 18:41

If you're weird, OP, then so am I.

LockdownLump · 10/09/2020 18:42

OP, you do realise where your clitoris is don't you? It's not near where your pee comes out of.

AlexisCarringtonColbyDexter · 10/09/2020 18:45

I've been single for a while and I have quite a large selection of vibrators which I use frequently, sometimes several times a day. I am starting to think reading this that I may have quite a high sex drive

Yup- same. Except this is in addition to having sex with my H pretty much daily. Still, I refuse to feel weird about it- we are all different and some of us have a high sex drive- nothing wrong with that at all. At least I go around with a smile most of the time eh? 😂